Olive Garden now posts calories! Eek.

Okay so Philadelphia really is awesome.
Yesterday my teammates Chloe, Renee, and Katie went on a 40 minute run downtown and then on this awesome trail. It was beautiful. 
We didn't finish the run til around 8 P.M. Philly time, so we had to hurry, shower, and eat before bed. Renee, Katie, and I walked around and found an Olive Garden. Endless salad, breadsticks, and yummy pasta? I think yes.

Stolen photo, but this is my fave dish.

Shrimp Caprese- also yummy!

Unfortunately (?) Olive Garden has just added calories to their menu. This made ordering my favorite dish SO much harder. The Gorgonzola Steak Alfredo has 1310 calories. Yep. That's ridiculous. But I remembered what someone wrote me about how she got over bingeing and it was by exercising NO restraint whatsoever when it comes to eating what you want.
So my teammate Renee and I split that dish along with the Shrimp Caprese Linguine. 900 calories. Gah!
I had lots of salad *I asked for my own with dressing on the side cuz I don't like it drenched in it.* And I had 3 breadsticks with my meal. I ate half of each pasta dish, finishing every bite. I was pretty hungry! I had only had oatmeal, yogurt, an apple, a grilled chicken salad from O'Charleys & 2 O'Charley's rolls before dinner.

If it helps, I didn't use the butter? ha. I consider them tasty enough without it.

*Omygoodness, it has been almost 2 years since I had enjoyed one of those delicious buttery bites of heaven. I was proud of myself for eating them. It's also much easier to eat stuff like unhealthy rolls when my teammates are enjoying them, too. :) I love eating out with people that have a massive appetite the way I do.*

Anyway, I didn't count calories yesterday. I haven't counted them in a while, actually. I find it liberating. But I would say that my dinner alone ended up being 2000 calories. Wow, that is a lot. But it's better to eat 2000 calories for dinner when I am hungry and need the fuel rather than eating 2000 calories standing up in my kitchen over the sink with spoonfuls of tasteless ice cream and pb being shoved down my throat.

When I got back to my hotel room my teammate Chloe was still out with her mom that came to Philly to watch her race, and so I found myself alone. I started feeling guilty over the amount of food I ate. I definitely could have stopped eating a few bites earlier, but I kind of got into that mentality of "cleaning my plate".

All of a sudden the bingeing urge came on. I felt like a failure for eating so much at the restaurant, and I guess something in me wanted to continue the mindless eating thing.
BUT I stopped myself. I was like, how will eating more help you right now? I knew I would just feel horrible afterwards last night and all day today if I binged. I don't want anything to sabotage my 5k race tonight. I have a good chance of setting a personal record and possibly breaking the school record. I went to bed still kinda feeling bad about Olive Garden but also feeling proud of myself for not bingeing.


I woke up this morning and did a 20 minute shakeout run. Afterwards I stretched and came upstairs for breakfast. Chloe, Renee, and Katie went out to get a bagel or something, but I had packed food and didn't feel like spending money, so I ate in the hotel. I had a Kroger Carbmaster yogurt + Kashi Go lean cereal. Then a 100 cal English muffin with some lowfat cream cheese. And then ANOTHER yogurt, greek this time, with some Kashi go lean. In general, I had a bunch of cereal. And a good amount of cream cheese (3 tbsp?).
Doing stuff like this (eating randomly until I feel full) scares me. I feel like my body is trying to make me fat. Why is it never satisfied? ha.

Afterwards I got online, checked facebook, checked my grades *only 1 is posted- an A in Theatre*, and read some blogs. I got hungry literally 30 minutes after breakfast, which really annoyed me btw, so I ate an apple.

It's 1:30 now, and I don't really feel hungry. Finally, satisfaction! ha. But the girls and I are supposed to meet downstairs in the lobby to go looking for something to eat in about 45 minutes.
Part of me is mad at myself for eating the apple cuz I might not be as hungry for lunch, but what the heck, who cares? That just means I will eat a little less at lunch.

Adriana, me, and Renee at Ole Miss last weekend :)

I know I have been writing a bunch about food, but honestly it is on my mind less than ever. It's just that I know that I have gained weight, and that weight gain/changing body is on my mind more than anything. I worry over this intuitive eating thing. I looked myself in the mirror before the shower and thought, "gross", but afterwards I thought I looked pretty good. I definitely look bigger, but I also look much healthier.

A picture of me in the hotel bathroom this morning :p

Another thing that has been bothering me is my coaches' perceptions of me. I know that the wife of one of my coaches sometimes reads my blog.. What if she is letting him know how out of control I am? I hope that he and the rest of them are not disappointed in me..
I'm trying to get a hold on things now by stopping this viscious cycle.

Most important of all, today is race day!!
I've gotta put all doubts aside and kick some butt for 12.5 laps. I am excited for some competition and great race conditions.

So wow this is so long. If you read it all, then wow. Apparently you find my rambling to be somewhat interesting. Sorry if you didn't!
The comments on the last couple posts have really helped! See, I've even implemented the advice you guys are sharing. And let's make today another binge-free/doubt-free day!! :)

<3 Haley

Seeking for Progress, Not Perfection

Ashley, I stole my title from your blog. Sorry, but it fits perfect here! :)

Renee took this picture as I was stretching after the race this past Saturday. I like it!

So I’m sitting in the Nashville airport waiting for my flight to Philadelphia.
The team is traveling to University of Pennsylvania for Penn Relays.
I run the 5k tomorrow night. Woo! I’m excited. I haven’t raced it since the home meet here almost a month ago. I ran a 16:40 by myself, so I’m hoping that with additional training and more competition I should be able to run around 16:20ish.. 16:33 is the MSU school record. So really 16:32 & faster = success. :)

I’m also racing the 4x1500 meter relay on Friday around 1:30. I ran a 4:37 this past weekend in Oxford (Ole Miss) with a horribly upset stomach, so I’m confident that I can run faster than that this week. Our relay team is legit. I’m the slowest leg, ha. I’m not used to being the weakest runner. :P But it’s okay; it’s not my race. I’m just excited to get out there and run my fastest/kick some butt with my teammates Chloe, Renee, and Katie.

As far as the week goes: It was very stressful. Finals week. Scratch that. Finals days. 2 days. I had two papers due and three finals to take within 26 hours. The chaos started Monday at 8 and ended Tuesday at 10. Looking back, I am pretty confident that I did well in all of my finals and on the papers, so hopefully I will end up with another 4.0!

My eating was definitely thrown off by the finals, though. Why? Because I was super stressed out and of course I binged twice this past weekend :/ I feel like it has become so much more common than before. Like someone said in one of the comments on my last post, it has become somewhat addicting. I was talking to my good friend Loren about it yesterday. She’s a teammate of mine who has also had problems with bingeing at night (and peanut butter happened to be her binge of choice too, funnily enough!). But she started seeing Kelly *my nutritionist*, and they came up with a meal plan that has her adding more calories to her daytime eating so that she may have less of an urge to eat at nighttime. It seems to be working great for her. She said that she has overeaten maybe three times since seeing Kelly, but they have not been “binges”. And hey, three episodes of overeating over a 6 week period seems like awesome progress to me!
I just typed, “I wish I could do that.” But then I erased it.. I mean, why can’t I? I can make the same progress. I am making that kind of progress. I have been eating what I want when I want, when I am hungry! I have pretty much conquered restriction. This is an awesome feet. I do need to realize how far I have come. Dr. Tatum always tells me that undermining my progress doesn’t do me any good. I should take pride in my accomplishments.

And good news- I haven’t binged in 3 days. Okay, that sounds lame. But it’s good for me. As of lately I have been on a cycle of bingeing after bingeing after bingeing. It was like I was mad at myself for bingeing so I would binge again. And then again. Blah. But hey, I am making progress. Forgiving myself, loving myself, and accepting my imperfections all make it so much easier to get on with my life and break this stupid ED cycle.

Btw, the appointment with Dr. Tatum was so very helpful. The more she gets to know me and I open up to her, the more we accomplish during these appointments. I see her again early next week, and I cannot wait to see her and tell her that I have had a whole binge-free week! *fingers crossed*

Last night I had the urge to do it but it was more out of habit than anything. I did realize that I had probably not eaten enough calories throughout the day (considering I did two 40 minute runs yesterday- I need A LOT of calories), and so I ate even more sweet potato fries with pb hummus after dinner. Before I would have considered this to be off limits. Dinner is dinner; then, you’re done. You see, I didn’t feel particularly hungry, but once I got the calories in I felt much better, physically and mentally.

Unfortunately, I’m still struggling with self-image. I’m not used to this body, and I feel like I have gained even more weight than the last time I was weighed. So I’m guessing I might even be 119. That number is ten times scarier than 118 for some reason, I guess because it is eerily close to 120. It’s weird because sometimes I look in the mirror and see a healthier, bigger, muscular body that I am proud of. Other times I see the stomach that lacks the six pack it used to bare and the new fat on my inner thighs, and it scares and upsets me. I’m trying to put my faith in God and know that he doesn’t care about numbers, weight, body types. It is helping more than anything.

I have so much else that I could say, but I don’t want to make this the longest post in history. I will just end by saying that things are going well, and I hope I can continue to fend off restriction while denying these bingeing urges by giving my body the nutrients it wants and needs. I’m also noticing that I binge when I am in certain moods: lonely, depressed, when I’m feeling unworthy or incapable of something. This is where the self-appreciation must come in. I will not binge if I am good to myself. If I’m happy in my own skin then those urges never come on.
Therefore, I must learn to accept that I will not come in first in every race, I will not always get a 100 on the paper, and my workout might not be the one I want at the time I want it to be, but life goes on. I have to learn to be flexible.

P.s. I miss Kelly. I wish I had her right now since I’m going through this hard time with balancing my food intake for the night and day. But it will be okay. I have a wonderful therapist. I also have friends and family I can count on.

But most important of all, I have the best boyfriend in the entire world. I cannot say enough about how good Connor is to me. He always supports me without any form of judgement or criticism, no matter what. Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky. I have been thanking God every day lately that I have him in my life.

I hope you all are doing well. Your comments mean so much to me. I don’t know if I have ever mentioned that I get them sent to my email through my phone, so each message is read as soon as it is sent. They really brighten my day. It’s great to be in the middle of an overwhelming day and look at my phone to see that some beautiful young woman has taken the time out of her day to show me some very much appreciated love and encouragement.

<3 Haley

Compulsion

Yes, I have binged since my last post.

Honestly it seems like it's become this horrible compulsion. I can't even explain it.

The worst part is the disgust I feel with myself for so long after a binge.. :/

Plus I'm getting fat. Doesn't make things any better..

I'm seeing Dr. Tatum tonight. Maybe she can help. I hope so.

Anyway, I feel like it will all work out, eventually. I hope so, anyway. I'm trying to remain positive.

<3 

ED is screaming.

I had such a great therapist appointment yesterday.
I told Dr. Tatum about Monday's binge and all that I've been going through lately with self-image and dealing with my new post-ED body.
I use "post-ED" very loosely here. Obviously I am not 100% recovered. But I don't freak out about food anymore *for the most part*. It's something that goes in my mouth. It's not my life.
It was great to vent and hear her remind me once again of all the progress I have made.
She told me that I need to forgive myself for the binge and move on. Dr. Tatum always points out how unhealthy it is that I am so hard on myself. I need to be happy with all of the good qualities I do possess rather than trying to change the things about me that I'm not so crazy about.
Also, like many of you, she thinks that I look so much healthier at this weight compared to my weight at the start of recovery. Sometimes I think "healthier" = bigger, in an unhealthy, fat way. But I push these thoughts to the side and try to take these words as compliments, meaning I'm kicking ED butt and living my life for ME! I am in control by allowing myself to eat! 


As for today, I woke up and went to practice. 40 minutes easy + stretching + ice bath. I have a race tomorrow at our rival school's track. I'm racing the 1500m (almost a mile for those of you that don't run). Gag. I hate short stuff. I feel like a turtle. I just don't have much leg speed. :/ Coach thinks I can do 4:35, so that's my goal.
Anyway, I came home and had a big bowl of oat bran + 1/2 banana + Lite Vanilla Silk + Strawberry Colada yogurt. Yum :)
I took a test, hung out with Connor, made pb hummus *yum*, and read some blogs.
Making the hummus was fun, and I licked the food processor/spoon/my fingers clean ;)

Afterwards, though, I'm thinking, "Oh gosh. You are going to get so big!" You see, Dr. Tatum weighed me at our appointment yesterday, and it's official. I'm 118 on the dot. Part of me cringed when I saw that number. Another part of me was okay. It IS just a number, after all.
I think the reading of food blogs was kind of a trigger for the ED thoughts. Sometimes I see what these women are eating (salad every meal it seems!), and I'm like, dang.. I had an apple, a huge sandwich, some pita chips and hummus, and whatever else..
I begin thinking that I am leading an "unhealthy" lifestyle. Then it becomes like a competition thing. I need to start eating like them so that I can be the healthiest I can be!
So I'm thinking I'm going to stop reading many of these blogs and only focus on pro-recovery ones. The couple blogs I probably will keep reading is HungryRunnerGirl and SweetToothRunner. These ladies exercise their butts off, but they also eat whatever they want! And it's generally healthy! I love seeing that we're allowed to eat peanut butter out of the jar every once in a while. I'm allowed to go to the movies and grab a couple handfuls of Connor's popcorn. Live a little, geez!

As for tonight, the team is going out to dinner. We are going to the favorite restaurant of Conrad and I - Old Venice. It's a super yummy Italian place that has the best pasta & bread to dip in olive oil ever.
I'm nervous about going, but oh boy, Conrad's here.. Gotta go!
Wish me luck :/ I know I need carbs for tomorrow's race. Of course I could get healthier carbs if I made my own pasta, but who cares? Like I said, I need to live a little. :P

I hope you all have a great weekend!
And thanks ssoosoososoosoososo much for the comments on my last post. You're all so sweet.
<3

Dealing with Weight Gain

I've read many other bloggers' posts about dealing with weight gain and my comments to them have always been something like, "Girly, do not worry about the number on the scale! You know that your body needs the extra food, and your weight will just balance itself out as long as you eat relatively healthy when you are hungry. Don't compare yourself now to your anorexic body. You were at an unhealthy weight then. I know that it's hard, but you can't give in to restriction. That will just undermine all of the progress you have made thus far."

So I just read what I typed, applying it to myself. Wow. How can the same girl that says & knows these things so well have such a hard time following her own advice?

All in all, though, I am doing SO well. Yes, I have gained weight. Yes, I weigh more than I ever have in recovery. And it's uncomfortable; it is hard. It's hard because I don't know whether this is the weight I'm supposed to be or if it is too much or still too little. My BMI is around 19, maybe a little less. I know that BMI is just a dumb number, and it's not really applicable for athletes, anyway. However, it is good to know that I'm not in the 'unhealthy' weight range anymore.

After the home cross country meet in September. Eew.

Being a Division 1, SEC athlete, I constantly hear about finding your "race weight" and maintaining that weight throughout the season. I have no idea what mine is. In cross country my lowest weight was 107. I honestly looked sickly at that point in time, and I know that was not a healthy weight for me. Now I weigh around 118. I'm not trying to sound conceited with this next statement, but I have raced pretty well the whole year, throughout the 107-118 range, therefore making it hard for me to pinpoint my exact "race weight". Idk, I guess I am in better shape now than I was in cross country, (at least that is what Coach says). To be completely honest with myself, I know that with the weight gain comes added strength and stamina. It's just that I don't know when the weight gain should stop.

Still a little too skinny..

I binged on Monday night. It was horrible. I cannot even begin to describe the feelings of self-loathing and shame I felt that evening. Afterwards my good friend Maria called because I texted her about it. Throughout my sobbing, she told me what I knew- God is there for me no matter what. I cannot focus on the past. What's done is done. The most important quote I took away from our conversation: "No future without forgiveness".
Also, my friend on the team Loren responded to my text on Monday night. Again, she is another wonderful friend who inspires me to further develop my relationship with Christ. She has struggled with bingeing in the past, and she seems to be doing so great right now. She has incorporated more food into the beginning of her day so that her body doesn't crave it at night, and it seems to be working for her. Hmm, coincidence Haley? :P I need to work harder on that..
But she reassured me that one slip up is okay. It is to be expected. Each day is a new day. I have to remember that restricting will only lead to bingeing which leads to restricting. And we all know that cycle blows hardcore.
P.S. Loren's grandfather recently passed away. His funeral is tomorrow. Prayers for her and her family would be greatly appreciated.

Yes, it was really hard to live with myself the next day.. Btw, Kelly *nutritionist* just had a baby on Thursday :) and so I won't be able to go in and see her/get weighed :( until next fall. But I talked to her on the phone yesterday, and she also had the opinion that one binge is not the end of the world. She reminded me of all the progress I have made, and she told me how proud she was of me.
It really hit home that I have made so much progress.. Yes, my road to recovery hasn't always been smooth, but hey I am working so hard. I eat my fear foods *most of them*. I go out to eat without freaking out. I overeat sometimes, too often in my opinion, but I'm still learning.
The best thing about recovery is the lack of obsession with food. I used to freak out about what I would eat after practice, what I would order at the restaurant the track team would go to this weekend, how many freaking carrots I consumed, etc..
Now I live my life without worrying about these things. Food isn't the most important thing. Yes, I love learning about food and nutrition, but I'm not scared anymore. Food isn't the enemy. It's fuel. Wow, it's great to reread that line and know that I actually believe it.
I have been eating pita chips & hummus like no other. Also protein oats have become my best friend, along with greek yogurt 'messes' :)

So finally to get back to the point of this post, the most difficult thing I'm dealing with at the moment is self-image. I never had a problem with it before, even when I gained weight. But I feel like 118 looks so much bigger than 115. Connor thinks I'm ridiculous. "What is 1, 2, 3 pounds?" he asks.
It's not necessarily the number. I can tell that my body is changing.
I don't have the abs I used to. There is now a little bit of flab there. The past few days I have been very self-conscious at practice, and I've tried my best to avoid taking off my shirt, (sometimes it's just so hot that I don't care too much). I have extra skin between my thighs, and my calves don't seem as trim as before. I also have this paranoia feeling like everyone's looking at me and thinking, "Wow, she's been getting a little too friendly with that jar of peanut butter lately, huh?" P.s. That's a stolen phrase from my childhood, courtesy of Dad.

Too big?

I'm praying that I come to terms with my body and find my 'normal/ideal' weight without too much fear and obsession over the number on the scale or the image in the mirror.

I've written much more about God in this post than usual. I have really grown in my relationship with Him these past couple weeks. And it is making recovery that much easier. I love knowing that He could care less what I eat or look like. Maria pointed out this passage to me, and I've been trying to focus on it whenever I am struggling with anorexic/bingeing thoughts or behaviors.

"Don't Worry"  by Luke 12:22-34

[Jesus] said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life and what you will eat, or about your body and what you will wear. For life is more than food and the body more than clothing. Notice the ravens: they do not sow or reap; they have neither storehouse nor barn, yet God feeds them. How much more important are you than birds! Can any of you by worrying add a moment to your lifespan? If even the smallest things are beyond your control, why are you anxious about the rest? Notice how the flowers grow. They do not toil or spin. But I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass in the field that grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?

As for you, do not see what you are to eat and what you are to drink, and do not worry anymore. All the nations of the world seek for these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these other things will be given you besides. Do not be afraid any longer, little flock, for your Father is pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your belongings and give alms. Provide money bags for yourselves that do not wear out, an inexhaustible treasure in heaven that no thief can reach nor moth destroy. For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.

I hope this passage spoke to some of you. If you're not Christian then I hope that you have some kind of higher power or at least a family member or friend to look to during hard times. Also, know that I am always here for any of you if you ever want to talk. You all have been sososo encouraging and helpful to me throughout my path to becoming ED-free, and I am beyond grateful.

P.s. My race in California went even better than I had hoped! I ran my 10k in 34:04 to break the school record and qualify for first round of Nationals. I felt great. Thanks for all of the good luck wishes :)

P.p.s. I put all of my binge foods (Annie's cookies, boxes of granola, literally 14 jars of peanut butter) into a bag, and Connor is going to bring them back to his dorm tomorrow and then home when he leaves  next Friday. Don't worry, I still have a jar of peanut butter, almond butter, and coconut butter. It's just that when I go on my binges it becomes an OCD thing, too, and I have to have a spoonful of each kind. If I have two spoonfuls of my dark chocolate peanut butter, then I need to have another spoonful of the Cinnamon Raisin Swirl. It's stupid, but it's what I do.. So anyway, this will make things easier for the time being.

At any rate, I don't feel like I'll binge any time soon. I have 0 desire to do so. I feel like s*** after, and I'm tired of that. I want to fuel my body when it wants it, not at 11:00 at night when I'm feeling depressed/lonely/whatever it is that makes me binge.

Ok, so I'm done rambling now. Thank you for reading this long, redundant post if you did so. I hope you all have a wonderful week! I'm going to leave you with a question! You can reply in comments if you wish :)

Have you ever had to deal with weight gain, whether it was necessary or not?

If so, how did you determine what the right weight/size was for you?

And how did you come to terms with your new non-ED body?

<3 Haley

Wishing I could conquer bingeing like I have restricting..

Ok so I know, I  know..
It has been forever and a day since I last posted..
Partly because I've been pretty busy..
Partly because I am ashamed of my problems.
Partly because I like to think that these problems will just go away if I don't write/talk/think about them.

The main problems going on right now:
1. I am unable to register for Chems 1& 2 for summer classes at my community college back home because they have YET to receive my transcript from MS State that I sent exactly two flipping weeks ago. I have to take both of these classes this summer in order to graduate on time. *Note that I am behind because I switched majors to Nutrition (still no regrets!)*. However, both classes have filled up in the time I've been waiting for the transcript to be processed. I have probably spent at least 3-4 hours on the phone with these two institutions within the past week. No joke. MS State (regular college I attend) said that they sent the transcript April 1, but Southwest (community college) says that they have no record of ever getting it. Grr..
I'm not going to go into details, but each school wants me to get the other school to call them so that they can confirm that the transcript was sent out but probably just lost in the mail.. Hopefully it will all work out after this morning's efforts.
2. Because of the whole summer school dilemna and other things going on, I had a period of bingeing *red=evil* all last week. I binged 3 times within 48 hours. Then it stopped. Then I did it again Sunday night and again on Tuesday night. Getting old? You betchya.

On a good note, I am doing so well in terms of not restricting. I hate to brag, but the progress I have made with pushing away the ED voice is so phenomenal. It seems like it happened so fast, too. One week I was worried over the amount of carrots I was eating, and the next I am taking down pita chips and hummus *my life* like no other- out of hunger, not bingeing, btw!
It's almost like it's impossible to restrict now. For example, Monday morning part of me was thinking, 'just eat an apple for breakfast, a salad and carrots for lunch, and maybe a sweet potato for dinner.' However, it only took me a couple of moments to snap out of it and realize that if my stomach is rumbling, who am I to deny it the food and nutrients it needs? Plus I know that bingeing is often times a result of not eating enough throughout the day. I ate three full meals, two snacks, and a Cliff bar after practice on Monday. I want to defeat ED, all parts of ED- restricting, bingeing, the negative self-image, and the obsession with control over food.

Story of this week's first binge:
Sunday night I had scheduled dinner with Mom and her boyfriend at her house in Memphis. Earlier that day Dad and I had switched cars so that he could fix my door handle that was broken. He said that he'd be at Mom's to switch back by 7:30. Meanwhile at Mom's, everyone had a part in making dinner. It was supposed to be ready by 7. I wanted to be on the road to Starkville (MS State) by 8. That would put me in bed at my apartment by 10:30.
Well obviously everything did not go according to plan. My dad locked himself out of my car, and he called me yelling because it's my fault that I didn't have a spare key on me. This is around 8:10, about the time that we finally sat down for dinner. My mom is a fidgetty, controlling perfectionist (wonder where I get it? :P), and she was upset that dinner was running late, so by this time I was already upset, as well. Dad calling to tell me how irresponsible I am didn't help the situation.
Long story short, I told myself to relax and enjoy my dinner, which I did. Dad called a few minutes later saying that he got in the car through the open trunk and he'd be there soon. We start cleaning up the kitchen, and Mom mentions that she has pecan pie. At this point I am full from salmon, baby fingerling potatoes, salad, and sauteed asparagus. It was a delicious dinner. I tell Mom that I don't want any. But the time goes by. I am stressed that Dad is STILL not there. It's almost 9:30. Mom and Joe go next door to give an old neighbor the leftovers, and I decide to stay in their apartment. At that point, I knew I was going to binge.
I stuffed myself with pecan pie and ice cream, then bits of another pie she had out. I started eating a few cookies and then went for the peanut butter. For some reason I wasn't in the mood for pb that night (weird? ha) and then went back to the pie. I didn't stop until I couldn't eat any more.
I drove home at 10:00 feeling like a failure.
I tried to forgive myself, but it was just too hard. I mean, I hadn't binged in a few days. Why did I have to do it again? And why on that pecan pie? It wasn't even that good. *No insult to my mom. She brought it home from work-Perkin's Restaurant and Bakery.* At any rate, it just wasn't worth it. At all.
Two and half hours I arrive at my apartment in Starkville. What do I do? Binge. I guess cuz I was so mad at myself for earlier? I don't know..

Monday was good. I had an appointment with Kelly (nutritionist) and then with Dr. Tatum (therapist). I weighed 116.4-the most I have weighed since recovery. Kelly didn't have much advice for not bingeing other than getting more food throughout the day. My body obviously wants it..
The appointment with Dr. Tatum was much more intense than I thought it would be.. I started bawling pretty much as soon as I started talking about my weekend. I don't like crying, I really don't. ED has made me cry more than I have in my entire life. That alone is reason to give up this stupid disease.
Anyway, she told me what I already know. I have to let go. I have to forgive myself, and work on expressing my emotions in ways other than restricting or stuffing myself with 'fear' foods.

Tuesday's binge was more out of a need for food, I think. I had only had 1300 calories that day before I went for it. :/ So my goal is to work in more calorie-dense foods throughout the day so that I don't have the need for these heavy foods late at night.

Well Connor just called while I was writing this-probably a good thing cuz I could write forever & ever about everything going on right now. It made me realize that I need to wrap this thing up. P.s. I miss him.

I'm in California for a race. I got here yesterday, and I leave tomorrow morning. My race is tonight at 7 western time. I race the 10k! 25 laps around the track. Coach wants me to run around 34:30. That's fast, in case you didn't know. ;)
Man, I am nervous. But I know that I can do this. I have been training all year for the 10k. It's supposed to be MY race. I can't let my nerves or self-doubt get in the way with this one. I love running. And so why wouldn't I love a race that lasts even longer?? ;)
Wish me luck!

Oh, and eating has gone really well the past couple days. We even went to Panda Express for lunch yesterday, and I didn't freak out one bit. It was delicious/pretty unhealthy, but who cares. I eat enough veggies to make up for it. Also, no thoughts of bingeing! Woot. :) Hopefully I keep it going.

We're about to go exploring CA! We haven't done much since we've been here, so I'm excited. Probably just the mall and then some other random places before lunch at 2, but anything is better than being cooped up in this hotel any longer. P.s. Cali weather is beautiful. No humidity- something I'm definitely not used to! haha

Last thing: All of your comments mean more to me than you know. I appreciate so much the love and support I have received since starting this blog. I never knew I'd meet so many amazing people and develop some of the greatest relationships out of it, either. The comments I've received from others who are further along in recovery or post-recovery are especially helpful because they have let me know that what I'm going through is normal and just a part of the process of kicking ED's butt. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
<3 Haley

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