Saturday, January 28, 2012

I can't... breathe

True love. I thought I had it.

But is it really, if only one person is truly in love?

I wish my knees didn't hurt so bad that I could run.

I wish I could run away from ever having fallen so deep in love with someone who obviously doesn't feel the same way..

He told me he would never hurt me..
This is pain far worse than I ever could have imagined..

My heart is broken, and my world is crashing down around me.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Dixie Chicks always bring up tears and memories

I was just listening to Dixie Chicks.. They were my favorite band as a kid. I went through a country phase, and they are the only ones that are still around.
As anyone who has listened to them knows, Dixie Chicks have their fair share of sad songs..

Anyway, I find that I'm shedding tears with every other song on shuffle..
Obviously there are some suppressed emotions here.

I miss my mom.
I wish I had a home, and a family.
I hate that I wasted the cross country season, but more importantly I hate that I wasted the past 6 months of my life fixated on how screwed up I am instead of trying to turn things around.

Why is it that we are so dependent on certain things?
For me, if eating, running, and my relationship with Connor aren't going well then nothing is..
Oh, and ALL THREE of those have to be going well for me to be happy, for me to ALLOW myself happiness..
It's hard for me to accept anything other than perfection, especially with these things..
I don't understand why I can't just accept a 7:30/min pace for an easy run, why I can't see a day of indulging in a cookie as anything less than a failure, or why I feel like I have to be doing something wrong if Connor doesn't have a smile on his face at all times.

For some reason, everything else can be messed up.. I think I expect them to be, really..

I think that a the major problem in my life has to do with my relationship with God.

I want Him when I want Him.
I accept his love and obey his commands when I feel like it.

Of course there are certain things I still sway on..
Are homosexuals going to hell?
What about those that never had the chance to know Jesus? Do they burn?

I would like to think that the answer is no for both of the above questions, but really, I don't know.
No one does.

I often turn to him when I am weak, and I turn to him sometimes when I am strong, but He has never been a constant presence in my life.

It's time that I stop blaming others, other things, and myself for the problems in my life. It's time that I accept these shortcomings as a blessing instead, allowing for me to grow with each and every obstacle I overcome.
I know that every one I have tackled so far has only led to good things in terms of my becoming the person I plan to be.

God works in mysterious ways.
And He loves each and every one of us so much.
Sometimes I just wanna scream (and sometimes I do) that this cannot be true. If so, he wouldn't leave me out to dry like this.
But then I have moments like this, moments when I feel Him holding me, telling me that it is all going to be okay, and I should have faith that tomorrow may bring some important changes in my life if I choose for it to.

I'm sorry if this post was too religious for some of you, but I feel that the Lord has called on me to post about Him and all that He has done for me and all of you.
We are still alive to breathe this beautiful air, to walk with two mobile legs, to see this blog post with our very own eyes. 
It's crazy how small and insignificant we are in this world, yet He loves us all. Just the way we are.
It gives me hope when I wonder what I am doing here if I can't even run close to the times I was last year at this time, when Connor and I have those stupid little fights, when I choose to binge after a long day of refusing any food over X calories..

Anyway, to update on my life..
I am back to running.. Well kinda. I seriously got the worst chaffing in the world last week, and I kept running on it, so now my skin is RAW. I decided to bike and elliptical instead because those do not cause my legs to rub together, and it has gotten much better.. I am gonna try to run tomorrow morning, and I cannot wait.
I seriously am so far away from the fitness level I want or need to be at, but I know I will get there if I work as hard as I can. I am a very hard worker, and when I decide I want something, I go after it.
And I want to be good again. I am starting to love running again.
But in order for me to continue this love affair with my sport, I need to tone down on the expectations and criticism I give myself. I love running just because it is running. The reason this season sucked is because I was mentally exhausted from beating myself up so much. I'm tired of that.

Connor and I are doing really well.. We had a kinda big fight the other day, but that is to be expected.. They happen sometimes. Especially when I am at his house practically 3/4 of the break. His mom and I butt heads a lot, so that puts a strain on our relationship when we are around each other so much, especially now that she does not have a job. The good news is that Conrad and I worked it out, and we are happy as ever. I can't wait to get back to Starkville, though, where I will finally feel comfortable in my home.

Eating- wow.. all over the charts..
Some days are great. I eat well-balanced meals.. no restricting, just trying to give my body what it wants and NEEDS.
Other days I start off bad and end worse.. It's like just because I ate a dove chocolate at breakfast, that means I must finish the night gorging on Nutella or cookies or whatever.. so dumb.
Some days I THINK I'm doing well, but I get to the end of the night and realize that I am at 1000 calories.. Connor then gets angry. I get defensive. I say it's okay cuz I need to lose weight, anyway!
But yea.. I know, not cool.
Connor has been asking me how my day (of eating) has been every night at 8:30 for the past week now.
At first it made it even worse.. I don't know how that's possible, but I binged right from the start.
Now I have gotten much better.
I'm trying to figure out what it is about these foods, these times, these emotions that cause me to want to gorge myself on unhealthy foods..
I am definitely making progress, and I am honestly very proud of myself.

One thing I am definitely not proud of is my body and my fitness right now, but like I said, I am working on those things, and I am trying to accept where I am right NOW.

Family- I miss my mom.. I haven't spoken with her since before my grandmother's accident. She used to call so often. Now I get a call maybe once a week. It saddens me. It shouldn't really, considering that I ignore every single call.. It's actually selfish of me to wish her to continue calling, yet I do.
I know she loves me so much, and I wish I could just call and tell her that I love her, too, in case she has her doubts..
But I know I can't without getting caught up in all of her drama. And who knows if she is sober today.. who knows if she'll believe me, that depending on whether or not she is doped up.. It's a lose-lose.

I am also worried for my sister.. She seems to be drinking a lot, and with my family's history that is not something to play around with.. She is nothing like me. This is both a good and a bad thing. I wish she had more drive when it comes to planning her future. She should be in college or at least planning a career. Instead she is working at a semi fast food place while partying every other night. I just want more for her because she deserves more and she CAN do more.

My brother needs love and guidance, and I'm not there to give it to him. I wish I was, but I'm not. And when I do talk to him I feel like he doesn't listen to anything I am saying. He doesn't want to. Maybe I'm too late. Maybe I'm like the preacher advocating abstinence when I have slept with a nun.. I don't know.

My dad's good. He loves me so much. And I love him, too. I wish I was around more for him, but he doesn't say much to me when I'm there.. We have a history, and when things happen to make him scream and get angry, it reminds me of how it used to be with us, which makes me want to flee.. But I know that he has changed, and so have I. He's a good man. Not many men can say that they raised three kids on their own, with seriously no help. Plus, I do. I just love him, not just because I have to.

Okay, anyway.. I have rambled on and on.
Time for bed. I leave for Starkville in the morning.
Too many thoughts going on in here.
I pray each and every one of you start out the new year great.

My dad has always told me, "Nobody can MAKE you anything.. happy, sad, mad, etc.. Other people do things, and you have the ability to CHOOSE how to react." It's something to think about..
If this is case, remember that we choose happiness. So do it, choose it, be it.