Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Apologize for ED?

I just received a pretty passive aggressive letter from my ex's mother who described me as "3 people".

(Direct quote:)
1) The happy, fun loving, free spirited Haley
2) ED Haley with all the baggage that attaches to it
3) THIS struggling Haley not knowing which direction she's going

I was discussing this with Mollie, and I began to say, "Listen, I'm sorry that I got anorexia," because that was the part in the letter when ex's mom began to explain that I changed and my relationship with her changed..

Mollie brought up a good point. There is no apologizing for developing ED. I'm pretty sure no one WANTS to develop an eating disorder, at least no one that I know wished for that. 
But did it change me? Yes.. It did.
I've changed.. I've gotten more serious in certain ways. I've learned weaknesses and strengths in myself, and I have learned to love myself even when it was the hardest thing in the world to do so.

I don't agree with her. I might be struggling, and I may not know EXACTLY where I am headed in life.. but I feel like I have a good idea.. 
And I know that I can accomplish whatever it is I put my heart, soul, mind, and body into.

I may not be in a relationship right now, and I may not be on top of my game in running. And maybe to others that makes me seem lost.
But I'm not.

I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, and I'm going to show everyone what I am made of.

I'm not the struggling Haley that has no direction. I'm still happy, goofy, loving Haley, the one who beat and is still beating ED, and the one who knows what it's like to win after coming from behind, cuz that's what I've done before and it is what I am about to do.

<3 Haley

P.S. First track workout today in FOREVER. Well, really, I had one in January. But then I got hurt again. And this was my first workout since October, discounting the one. It was hard, and my times were by no means fast. But I worked hard, and I am excited about the progress I am making. I'll get there. :)

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I'm Meredith.

I'm sitting here watching Grey's Anatomy, and it's Season Two.. those horrible episodes after Addison comes back, and Derek leaves Meredith because he's technically married and he tries to make his marriage work.

Okay, so I know that if you don't watch Grey's then that was all just mumbo-jumbo. But these episodes are horrible because Meredith is still in love with Derek, and he just leaves.. to go be with Addison, his wife (who cheated, btw). 
Meredith and Derek try being 'friends'. It's awkward even for me as the viewer. I hate it. Meredith just has to sit there, immobilized, while Derek goes on with his life.. It's like he didn't even let her know he was moving on until it was too late. And there is no way for Meredith to catch up in terms of getting over him because he has the head start..

That's about how I feel.. I'm Meredith.
I'm okay with being without him right now. I'm even okay with being alone for God knows how long.
But for some reason I can't get over that he is so okay while I'm not, at least when I'm not as okay as he is.

It's not fair, and I'm actually angry about it. I know I sound childish and selfish and pathetic, but it's not fair. I should have known to let go. I should have let go when he did.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012


My last post sounded so positive.. and until last night, I was pleasantly surprised that my break up with my serious boyfriend of 2 and a half years did not sadden or upset me near as much as I expected.

Then, this morning on my 4 mile run, I swear I saw him running ahead of me on campus. He turned and made a cut through the intramural soccer/lacrosse fields. I knew I wouldn't be able to catch him, and that really upset me. It was somewhat metaphorical.
We're not on the same page anymore.. We used to run together, and we no longer do.

I haven't cried this whole week.. I've been almost stoic about everything, probably because I saw this coming, and I thought it best to be strong and level-headed.

But, being completely frank, I realize that even after all is said and done I am still so very much in love with him. All of a sudden my heart feels ripped open and exposed for the world to see.

I miss the texts saying good morning and sweet dreams. I miss our lunches in the Union. I miss making fun of him for studying so much while I slacked. I miss his smile and laugh and how he played with our puppy. I miss crying on his shoulder at times like this.. I miss him.

The Taylor Swift song, "Last Kiss", came on my ipod while I was on my way to an NCAA drug test this morning. They speak true to my feelings now..

"You can hope for a change in weather and time, but I never planned on you changing your mind..
So I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes. All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss."


P.S. I changed the name of my blog from "All Or Nothing" to "Running towards Recovery & Happiness". I don't want and don't really have the All Or Nothing attitude these days. And I think the new one fits much better.. The goal is to accomplish both recovery and happiness every day.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Single and doing alright

Sooo, I've been single for 7 days now..

If you read my last post, then you know that I was already having some relationship issues..
I posted last right after Connor and I decided to 'take a break'..
He had walked right past me in the gym without any acknowledgement, and it hurt so bad.. 
But we made up a couple days later.. He tried to convince me he wasn't good for me, but I convinced him we could make it work..
This time I let him go.

Sunday night I realized that I need to be with someone who wants to be with me, all of me. I want someone who loves me for all that I am, not in spite of who I am..

I do love Connor, and I will always have a place for him in my heart.. But maybe this will be a good thing. Maybe now I will learn even more about myself and grow individually as a person.

Then again, I may always wonder if I will find someone as good to me as my first love..
He was my everything, and most importantly he was my best friend.

It is going to be hard and different now that I'm back to school and back to the reality of being in Starkville without my boyfriend of 2 and half years. It will take some adjustment.

However, I know now that I can't make someone love me    X    amount.. And I can't be the hand that holds on so tightly while the hand holding mine is letting go.. 

Now is the time when I find out what I'm really made of.. I don't want to be that girl whose world falls apart because of a break up. I don't want to be the girl who develops ED because her mom relapsed..
I am in control now, and I know I have great things ahead of me.

<3 Haley