Saturday, February 26, 2011

Time to get on track :P

*Note: I wrote this around 3:30 today but am just now getting around to posting it at 9:40 because I didn't have internet access!*
Also, yes I know the title is cheesy. But I think it's funny in an obvious, dorky way :)

It’s been far too long. I’m currently in the bleachers of the University of Arkansas indoor track stadium for the Indoor Track & Field SEC Championships. And I’m bored. ha
I have about thirty minutes til one of my teammates compete.We left to come here on Thursday morning, and we leave tomorrow (Sunday) afternoon. I race tomorrow at 2:55 P.M. Wish me luck!
My view from the stands. Ignore the puke orange in front of me ;) haha jk..
Anyway, I guess I’ll begin by discussing my nutritionist appointment with Kelly on Wednesday. I stepped on the scale like usual and wasn’t really surprised to see that my weight was 113.4. I mean I think that’s about the same weight as last week. But like Kelly said, I was wearing more clothes this week, and I also wasn’t filled up on water.
We looked at my food log, and my daily calorie intake ranged from 1200-1750. 1200? Really? Not good.. This was on Sunday, the day that Connor and I took that picnic and I told him I’d really try to beat this. And I did eat better that night, but because of that morning’s low cal intake, it screwed up the whole day :/
Anyway, I’ve been doing better except Wednesday night.. What did I do? Yep, I binged. Grr.. Honestly though, I think it was a sign. Kinda like, wake up Haley. This cycle isn’t going to end unless you REALLY TRY. You are the only one that has the power to do this. Ya know?
It’s also probably a good thing that I overate that night, too (as much as I hate it) because on Thursday, the day we left for the trip, I got on the bus that morning with oatmeal in hand but no hunger in my tummy. 
I felt AWFUL. Sick as a dog. :(
Random place to insert this picture, but this is a sign of a true runner. I can run through sickness AND blood ;)
Conrad had the sickness, as did many of my teammates, so I guess it was just a matter of time til the nasty-cold-weak feeling came over me, as well.
Luckily, our team had the sleeper bus, which is this really nice Mississippi State coach bus that has tables and couches that fold into beds. I ended up sleeping for 5 hours until my teammates woke me up to tell me it was time for lunch. We stopped at some rinky-dink mall that had a total of 3 places to eat. Sbarro’s, Chick-fil-A, and some other sub place which I forget the name of. Ha, well I ended up choosing the sub place just to get something different. I ordered the grilled chicken salad since I saw that they had banana peppers, cucumber, carrots, onion, and tomato as toppings. Much better than the Chick-Fil-A salad toppings. Did I mention how much I LOVE banana peppers? :)
I then proceeded to sleep the rest of the bus ride back. Another 3ish hours. That’s 8 hours of sleep. On top of what I got the night before!
Thursday we went to the track and I had a really short, speed-oriented workout just to get my legs going since I have my race on Sunday. We did some 400’s at 5k pace and then 200’s at 3k pace & mile pace. Man, I felt so weak!
First of all, the only thing I had to eat prior to this was a couple bites of the oatmeal before I passed out and then a salad for lunch. Also, the sickness was definitely taking it’s toll on me. 
Then the funniest thing happened. We went to Wal-Mart, as a team. We had 30 minutes to go in and out and buy all of the food/groceries that we would need for the rest of the weekend. It was like a stampede of maroon and white. We are always given meal money for these out of town trips, the amount depending on how many days we’re gone. So we spent that money on an array of items at the legendary superstore rather than at restaurants like usual. All in all, I should put back a good little bit of money from this trip!
Some of my goodies! The Kroger brand honey braided twists are from home. I just love these, so I thought I'd slip 'em in the pic of yummy food. :)
So the Wal-Mart in Fayetteville is so much better than the one in Starkville.
I got 100 calorie almond packs (both natural and roasted dark chocolate) *really excited me!* :), french toast bagels, sandwich supplies, individual reduced fat cream cheese cups, carrots, Greek yogurt, Sweet Bar-B-Q Potato Straws, gum, individual packs of PB&Co Smooth Operator & Dark Chocolate Dreams pbs, and sweet potatoes, of course :).
Me being me, I already had some food packed. So this was all supplementary. Oh boy. Why do I always do this when I grocery shop? :P
I should also mention that our hotel rooms are huge. I have a room to myself, too, which is kinda weird. It has a fridge, microwave, freezer, toaster, dishwasher, stove, utensils, plates & stuff, and like everything one needs to live. I literally moved in, ha.
Anyway, I haven’t binged since Wednesday night. Thursday I was obviously low on food intake considering I was sick. Yesterday I felt much better, but I still ended up being under.. And today it’s not looking too promising that I’m gonna reach this 2500 calorie goal. I was looking back at my food log from last semester, when I was CONSISTENTLY hitting 2300-2700, and it seemed so much easier then. 

Why is it sometimes hard to eat Cliff bars now? And all of a sudden a FiberOne or Luna or Lara Bar seems like it contains SO MANY calories. Who cares? I run all the time, plus they're all healthy.. and I LOVE them!
P.s. Why have I never seen this flavor before? Yum! I must try..
I talked to my friend Maria on the phone today and we were discussing the fact that FOOD IS FUEL. Food is not evil; it’s not something to be feared.
*I closed my laptop after writing this to watch some races, and ate a bagel thin with pb on one side, cream cheese on the other. Hey, it's progress! Before I was telling myself that I could wait til dinner to eat.. One of my major problems: putting far too much space between meals/snacks.*
My dad’s here today to watch the meet and he keeps reading over my shoulder asking what I’m writing. I finally responded that this is my blog, and he’s like, “Oh, so now I’m gonna have to read all about your life online?.. You know that once you put something on there it never goes away!” blahblahblah. I really hope he doesn’t start reading this. I love my dad, but I get really uneasy when it comes to me, him, and food. He teased me as I hit puberty and started to grow hips, constantly saying things like, “Watch it with that peanut butter big girl!” as he laughs. I know he’s *mostly* just kidding, but it still hurts. And those comments have stayed with me. One good thing is that he went to Wal-Mart upon reaching Fayetteville and asked if I needed anything. He picked me up a black headband (I need it to race.. I know, I’m weird) and a jar of MaraNatha Dark Chocolate Almond Butter that I had been eyeing on my previous visit but decided against buying. It’s expensive, plus how am I supposed to fit all of this stuff in my bag for the trip home? ha! Oh, and he also bought me The Bees Knees by PB&Co. Scrumptious.
I finally got him to smile. I swear this was take 5. "I don't smile!" My reply: "Just do it this once!" :P
Dad just looked down at my word count (since I’m writing this on Pages rather than on the blog website-no internet in the stadium), and he said, “No one wants to read 1100 words!" Ha, he’s right. I need to stop writing.
I have more to say about a few things on my mind, but maybe I’ll blog later tonight or tomorrow. Who knows. And if people read this, they read it. If they don’t, they don’t!
It’s for me, and that’s all that matters. I always feel better after blogging :)
P.s. Just ate a Fiberone Bar!
I hope you’re all doing well and having a great weekend!
Dad and I may go out for pasta tonight at this place beside the track. Otherwise I’m gonna make a sandwich and maybe boil a sweet potato or something.
<3 Haley

P.s. Random pictures of a dinner I cooked earlier this week!
Grilled chicken (It didn't taste at all burnt, but it kinda looks it in this picture :P).
Sauteed asparagus, onions, garlic, and mushrooms in couscous. And sweet potato bites w/ cinnamon.
P.p.s. This was the first time I have ever made/tried couscous! Me gusta!
The grilled chicken and veggies with couscous actually filled me up, so I had to save the sweet potatoes for another day!
I'm sure it's more than fine that I missed my daily dose of this one, though. ;)

Sunday, February 20, 2011

I'm slipping..

Cupcake Wars on Food Network is making me want something sweet right now.
Unfortunately I'm scared to do that cuz I don't want to binge..

Before writing this I had titled this post: "Cupcake Wars and I have a love/hate relationship".
I just changed it to "I'm slipping..", though, because I feel like this is the more important issue.
For some reason it's easy for me to eat sometimes.
When I went out with Conrad to the local Hibachi/sushi place, I could totally eat that stuff. All day.
Other times it's not so easy.. When I take the leftovers home, I can't go near it. It's too scary. Even though I had at least 12 sushi rolls PLUS lots of hibachi on Monday, I won't let myself eat those last 5. I won't let myself eat the rest of the hibachi. Why is this? Grr..

I made delicious oatmeal again this morning. 1/2 cup of Oats with Light Vanilla Silk, cinnamon, nutmeg, organic crunchy pb, and raspberry preserves. So PB&J Oats!
I only allowed myself to eat it after I ran, though. I was hungry before I ran. But I thought, no. You've gotta run BEFORE. Grr.. ED, Stay away from my running.

Cucumbers, spinach, tomato, ham, turkey, onion, red yellow & green bell peppers, mushrooms, olives, banana peppers, and a couple pickles. 
Then I had my lunch. Carrots & a little hummus and my sandwich. Granted, my sandwich is huge, and I wasn't particularly hungry after eating it; but Kelly still wants me to eat chips, pretzels, some kind of snack along with it..
I knew this. I packed snacks. Just didn't eat them.

I say I packed snacks because Conrad and I had a picnic this afternoon :)
This was our view
We went by the lake on campus, across from our student athletic center, and set up camp.
It was nice. We talked while enjoying our lunches, and then afterwards I handed him this "just wanted to say.." card.
It was pretty much me saying how sorry I am for putting him through all that I have and letting him know how much I truly appreciate and love him for his compassion, patience, and loyalty with me through all of my ups and downs (ED related & otherwise).
I cried. I hadn't really planned on talking about all of this today. I definitely hadn't planned on crying and venting about my frustration with ED to my boyfriend on our lunch date. I feel bad every time I bring stuff like this up. He doesn't deserve to have to deal with my problems, too. :/
Anyway, we hugged it out, ha. It was really good for me.
It was good to admit to him that I have been struggling more than usual lately. He said he could tell that there had been distance between us this past week, and so he was happy that we talked, as well.
The distance=ED being evil and telling me that I'm not good enough to be happy.

Well then Conrad's still hungry so we go to Local Culture, the local froyo place. We got Triple Chocolate+pb, and then some white chocolate mousse yogurts. Topped with cookies and chocolate bits and bananas. My faaaave is the peanut butter, so I had some. I didn't have much, but I ate some. I had some banana topping, too.

Anyway, then I went home.. did a chat online with my group for Social Foundations of Education class, and ate an apple.
I later ate dinner. Baked cod. Sweet potato with cinnamon, truvia, and greek yogurt. Steamed broccoli.
After dinner I was still a little hungry, so I had the rest of the 6 oz container of plain greek yogurt with the rest of the truvia packet and some cinnamon. Yum. I'll have to try that more often.

So I don't feel like I've been that restrictive tonight.. I ate a good dinner. I ate until I was full.
So why am I so low on calories? Because I was restrictive earlier.. :/
And why am I now so afraid of eating? Well first of all, it's almost 11 P.M. That's a tad late to be eating..
Also, I think it's because I really don't wanna eat if I'm not hungry. Ok, so I'm a little hungry. But still.. Eating late after a low cal day=bingeing.. Well, sometimes. And I don't want one of those times to be tonight.
It's just that lately I feel like my appetite is so small that it's doing me some harm! I need to eat more. That's the point of food logging. It's supposed to let me know I need more.

I see Kelly Wednesday morning. I really have to get back on track these next couple days. I'll be working on it.
Connor and I talked a lot today about how I complain of having no one (best friends here at college), yet I subconsciously push others away. This is also something I've got to work on. Relationships involve two people. I can't expect someone to just reach out to me if I'm not even willing to accept the hand.

Also, I need to start praying and putting more faith in God like I used to. He's the only way that I'm going to be able to defeat this evil chatterbox telling me I'm not good enough.

I feel confident that I can do this. No one said recovery was easy. Then again, no one warned me it would be this hard, either.
<3 Haley

Saturday, February 19, 2011

First time making oatmeal!

Ok, so I feel like my efforts to stop bingeing have led to too much restriction..
This needs to stop. :/
I really don't need to lose any weight. I realize that now, and I'm in a sane mind to believe it.
I haven't gone over 1700 calories a day since Monday (the reason being that this day was Valentine's).
Considering that I ran 10 miles plus circuits Tuesday and Thursday, an 8x800 meter workout totaling 11 miles on Wednesday, 8 miles yesterday, and a 6 mile tempo today (+5 of warmup/cooldown mileage), I'd say that I should probably be eating more in order to maintain my weight..
It's just that I don't want to go overboard with my eating, and so I feel like I have to restrict in order to maintain control.

Well after reading some blogs and looking at some yummy pictures of oatmeal, I decided to try making my own tonight! I have never made oatmeal in my life. Although I love it, I've always just used the Quaker instant packets kind.
Umm, yum?! It was delicious. I dunno if I'll ever go back to instant! ha
I used a teaspoon of brown sugar, some cinnamon, a little vanilla extract, a packet of truvia, almond milk, and the oats, of course, 3/4 a cup. Then I topped it off with a dollop of greek yogurt and a dollop of light 'n fit Vanilla yogurt and a spoonful of almond butter. I was planning on taking a picture, but I had to try it before snapping a shot, and once I did I couldn't put it down! ha :)
I will next time :) And I wish I had had a banana.. I threw out an old one today, actually :/ darn..

Anyway, I am proud of myself for being experimental and not worrying about the fact that I used almond milk instead of water and that I added brown sugar and whatever.
However, I am still low on calories for the day :/

I'll try to make up for it later. As of now, I'm stuffed.
I'm about to go to a team birthday party thing at my friend Renee's. I told her I'd bring over stuff to make cookies cuz I've been in a baking mood tonight!

Ok, so this post was random and pointless I guess, but I just felt the need to express my concern over my somewhat restrictive eating habits- throughout the morning, especially.
I hope everyone's having a great weekend.
<3 Haley

Friday, February 18, 2011

Restrict, binge, repeat. No longer.

Ok so the last post I did was Sunday night.
Right after a binge.
Yes, I said I'm out of control & getting fat. 
Honestly? I still feel that way :/

I had a meet this past weekend at Texas A&M. We left Thursday afternoon and returned Sunday evening. It was over a ten hour bus ride, so we split the trip into two sessions each way, thank goodness. Anyway, my eating wasn't too bad over the break.. I was sorta restrictive on Thursday and a little on Friday. Friday we went to Jason's Deli for lunch. I was proud of myself for ordering the Mediterranean wrap (even though it was on their Liteline), and a cup of tomato basil soup instead of opting for the salad bar. What's wrong with the salad bar, you ask? Well, I'm still too scared to use salad dressings, cheese, croutons, or any of that stuff on my salads. Instead I like to dress them up with tons of veggies. Still delicious, but also restrictive. Anyway, it was the best soup I've ever had. Omg. So good decision.
I was kinda restrictive this day, though, cuz I didn't allow myself to have any snacks, and I also only had half of my Powerbar after finishing my run. Kelly *nutritionist* really wants me to eat one after every workout, no matter what.
Anyway, I went out with the girls for pasta Friday night & I ate it all! It was really good, and it came with a breadstick that I also enjoyed.

Random sidenote: It was really funny because one of my teammates actually ordered the Chicken Alfredo with Broccoli, and when she got her food there was only sauce, chicken, and broccoli. No pasta!! haha, who does that? They returned later with a new dish, but I thought it was funny that they forgot the main ingredient we were going for. Kinda grossed me out, actually, because they put so much sauce that they didn't even notice the pasta was missing. This is why eating out is scary for me sometimes :P

However, for some reason it's not hard for me to eat all of my food when I go out or when I make something. I guess because my dad always taught us to eat everything on our plates. In this way, I have always been one to order or prepare very light and healthy entrees so that I can feel like I'm eating a lot, but it's all very low cal. 
Are any of you that way? I've never gone a day without eating, and I don't plan on doing so. Even when I was eating 800 calories a day this past summer, I still ate 3 meals. That was part of my reasoning for denying an eating disorder. Anorexics don't eat. I always did. Sometimes my meals would just consist of a salad, some carrots, and an apple. *not enough, I know :P

Ok, so Friday night after pasta, we return to the hotel. Around 10 PM I'm starting to get hungry again, which is annoying, but I decide to eat the rest of my Powerbar. Then I was craving the Hazelnut Vanilla & Chocolate Banana spreads I bought at the World Market next to Jason's Deli that day when we had extra time to blow after lunch. I had wanted to try these earlier, but shocker, I had not allowed myself that opportunity.
So what happens when I do try them? Of course I binge. I eat all of the pretzels I had packed in a ziplock with the spreads and then I even start gorging on the honey twists that I had been so precise about measuring out the day before. 8 of these is a serving size, and on the way to Texas on Thursday I had only allowed myself 4, and I ate them very slowly. The next night I find myself almost swallowing them whole. I'm standing over my duffle bag (Chloe, my hotel roommate, is off getting a massage), and I can't seem to stop. 
What is WRONG with me?!
I think because of all the pressure I had been putting on myself about the race and other things going on lately, I decided to punish myself while also 'letting go' of the controlling part of my personality by gorging on these fear foods.

Anyway, the next day I didn't race as well as I wanted to. To be fair, my stomach had been hurting and I put far too much pressure on myself the day of the race, thus depleting my energy before I even reached the starting line. Of course I blame this 'bad' race on the bingeing the night before.
I do a 45 minute cooldown. A little too much? Yes, but I needed to get away. Plus burning calories couldn't hurt, either.

I was upset with myself that night, but I ended up eating the pasta that I had previously ordered for the bus ride home.
Sunday night-binge. On? Pretzels, peanut butter, the 2 new spreads, 2 Valentine's cookies, a Macadamia nut cookie from Jason's deli that they had given us on the bus that I hadn't allowed myself to eat, and some icing from the fridge.
Then I write the two-liner post about how I hate my life. ha

I really need to start blogging more so that these posts aren't so epic..

Anyway, Monday was Valentine's day. I hated that. If only I hadn't been so fat leading up to this day I wouldn't mind celebrating..
Well Connor and I go out for Hibachi. We also ordered sushi. Yum. I kick ED's butt by not over-eating as well as by telling myself that it's a new day, and being restrictive today will only lead to bingeing and feeling like crap later.
Then we go back to my place and exchange presents. I have the best boyfriend ever who knows just how in love with sweet potatoes I am. He got me a tray of Sweet Potato Sweets from the Sweet Potato "capital of the world" here in Mississippi.
We tried a bite of everything on my tray, and I kinda felt the urge to binge, but I didn't. I read my book Made to Crave instead.
There was a sweet potato log roll, cookies, fudge, cocoons, tiny pies, bread, bonbons, and sausage balls.
Sausage grosses me out, so I spit that one out after trying it on accident, but everything else was delish!

So then Wednesday morning I had an appointment with Kelly. I did a shakeout run for 20 minutes before my workout that afternoon, and I took a shower. When I got out, I looked at myself in the mirror, and  I made a vow that no matter what my weight is or what Kelly says, I am not ok with gaining any more.

My weight was 114.6. A pound up from last week, and still a little under what Kelly considers to be a healthy weight. My BMI would be a healthy 18.5 only at 115 pounds. 

Why is this so scary? 
I've been above 115 before.. For some reason, though, my body image is so horrible this week. I see myself as bigger than ever before, and I just don't want to keep losing control with this bingeing. 
I had an appointment with Dr. Tatum (therapist) last night, and I was telling her that I guess I'd rather be restrictive and underweight than at a healthy weight where if I binge I'll gain all this weight. 

Anyway, I admitted that I didn't want to gain any more to Kelly, even after seeing that I'm not even at my goal weight yet, and the fact that it scares me that I'm thinking this way.. I've always agreed with her and tried to do everything I can to recover from ED. Am I going backwards now? I don't like it.
So I'm supposed to be at 2500ish calories this week. Earlier this week I hadn't been counting calories (the first time since May), but Kelly was kinda weary of this since now I need to gain weight, and she worries that I won't eat enough without writing it down. Obviously the only reason I had gained weight this week was due to bingeing, and when I don't do that then it looks like I'll lose. 
And I'm not going to do that. I used to keep my peanut butter in my closet; I took it downstairs Sunday night after my episode.
The main thing is, I know that I need to stop restricting in order to stop this vicious cycle.

It's just harder than it's been in a long time, these past couple weeks.
However, my mileage is increased. I'm running around 69 miles this week. That's more than ever before. I ran for an hour and fifty-one minutes (almost 16 miles) on Monday morning. I went fast, and I felt great. I don't want my running to be affected by this stupid disease. I don't want my life to be affected.

Final note: my friend that went inpatient for alcoholism/bulimia a couple weeks ago came back two nights ago, and surprised me at my house after practice. It was great to see her, but I still feel like she needs much more help than she can get here. She tried to re-enroll yesterday, but I don't think it worked out. We'll see what happens next with her. I'm praying that she remains sober and that her eating gets better.

Again, thank you all for the comments and words of encouragement. They keep me going.
One of my friends actually approached me the other day and mentioned that she reads my blog and also struggles with bingeing episodes. It took me by surprise more than anything, but I also felt comfort in that I'm not alone, and maybe by writing on here I provide a small amount of encouragement for others. I just wish I was in a better place at the moment so that I could be more of an inspiration than a pity party :P
I've been scared to eat these since Monday, but Dr. Tatum suggested freezing them.
That way I can always enjoy them later, and they won't just be lying around for me to binge on if the urge strikes (which hopefully it won't). :)
I hope everyone has a great weekend!
<3 Haley

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Restricting doesn't take away the pain

So I haven't written in quite a while..
The last post was almost a week ago.
The next day, Friday, I found out some really devastating news. My closest friend on the team and in Starkville, really, took some prescription pills that were given to her a long time ago and mixed them with a large amount of alcohol. She went to the hospital Thursday night, and her parents came into town.
Since then she's been kicked off the team, and I'm assuming that her parents are going to withdraw her from school soon. She doesn't have her phone or a facebook account anymore, so we have no way of contacting her. I heard that she is going inpatient in Memphis where her dad lives.
As horrible as it is, I had a feeling something like this was going to happen. She has been going off the deep end for quite some time now. She has anorexia bulimia, and she also has an alcohol problem.
When I found out that she was gone basically for forever on Friday, though, I broke down. I was in this stupid team meeting where our coaches are telling us that everything's going to be okay and this is why you don't make stupid decisions, and the tears just won't stop coming.
Then I'm supposed to do an easy hour long run two minutes after this talk ends? Yea right.. I flew. I had to. I wanted to hurt. I had a workout the next day, but I wanted so badly for it to be that day (Friday). I wanted to run until I couldn't any longer.. 

Anyway, the feelings that came over me were just tremendous.. I felt guilty, grateful, shocked, devastated, and angry all at the same time. I didn't want to eat dinner Friday night. I got home, took a shower, and just laid in my bed naked for two hours.. I didn't have on the tv; the computer wasn't up. I just laid there.. numb. 
Once Connor came over things got a little better. I finally was able to process some of these emotions I was feeling. I cried a lot, sure, but I also realized some of the reasons for my being so upset. Well, she was one of my best friends, especially here. We got so close over Christmas. It hurts to lose someone like that, especially since we had so much in common that it's ridiculous. I felt guilty because of this; I had gotten through it all, and ultimately I'm fine. She, on the other hand, is having to go inpatient and leave her school, friends, and family behind. Why her? Why not me?
I was angry with her. How could she be so stupid?
I was grateful that I'm not in that position. I am so much farther along in my recovery. I'm not at a point where inpatient or death are my only options. And I have a great support system of God, family, and friends to thank for that.

Even so, it's still hard dealing with this.. It's hard not hearing her make fun of my outfits at practice or seeing her in the Union between classes. I'm thinking about her, a lot.

But I had been planning on going home this weekend. I almost didn't because of what happened to my friend, but I figured I needed to get away. I had a horrible workout Saturday morning which made me feel even less deserving of going, but Connor kinda convinced me, and I'm so glad I did.

I had a great evening with my friend Nick and my best friend Sam Saturday night. We went to a Mexican restaurant, and I order the Chicken Fajita Salad. Yumm. It was really good. I was still hungry after, so I had lots of chips & salsa, something I had been restrictive with at the beginning of the meal.
This is a picture from Google. I forgot to take one. It pretty much looked like this, though.
Then we went back to Nick's and watched Jennifer's Body. Nick wanted to, of course, because he (along with way too many other people, btw) claims that I am Amanda Seyfried's twin. It was really dumb, but hilarious, and I had a really good time.

I came home to see that I had a box of four giant delicious cupcakes awaiting me from my mom for my birthday. Ohmygosh, why??
It's freaking 11:00 on a Saturday night. Am I hungry? Umm.. kinda.
Do I want a cupcake? Heck yes. So I eat half of one. That is so good that I want another. So I take a bite out of the next one. Then the next one. Repeat. 
Anyway, I had half a cupcake + 3 huge bites out of the others. All in all, I'd say 2 cupcakes. And this icing is HUGE. Seriously. They're from one of those fancy bakeries known to all in Memphis.
Ugh.. I was still hungry. Of course, cuz now I'm in eating mode. So I grab the pb+rice cakes and go upstairs. Mistake.
Why do I always isolate myself when I binge? Well I guess it makes sense, but ughh.. I wish someone had made me stay with them, ya know? 
So anyway, it wasn't too terrible of a binge. I probably had two-three tablespoons of pb & almost two servings of the Quaker caramel mini rice cakes. But I still wasn't happy.

Sunday I didn't run! It was ED telling me that I needed to run in order to burn off last night's cupcakes PLUS I knew I was having bbq nachos for dinner. But I didn't run. Go me. I'm proud of myself for differentiating love for my sport and that stupid ED voice telling me I have to burn calories.

So anyway, I've been doing okay this week, but my 'baseline' is still down, like Kelly *nutritionist* said last week. I saw her today after lunch and before practice. I went in, took off my sweatshirt & sweatpants, (I had on running tights underneath, ha) and stepped on the scale. 115.2. Hmm, that's good. However, I had just eaten. Plus I had to pee like a racehorse. So I went to the restroom and then snuck into the room next to Kelly's office with the scale. I weighed myself again. 113.6.
So which is my real weight?
I'm kinda surprised, but kinda not about my weight.. I mean, how could I have NOT gained weight? I had that chicken fajita salad + tons of chips & salsa + cupcakes + pretzels and rice cakes + tooons of bbq nachos on Superbowl Sunday night. Btw, BBQ nachos=tortilla chips, queso, bbq sauce, pulled pork, and Rendezvous seasoning. So delicious, but definitely not low cal or healthy by any means.
These are Corky's bbq nachos, but mine look almost the same.
I added less nacho cheese than that, but I had two big platefuls.
Well I go back into Kelly's office and admit to her what I just discovered.. 
She's disappointed and tells me that we're in gaining mode agaaaain. 
So I need to stop restricting. Sounds easy, right?
But the thing is, I'm scared to get to my calories at the end of the day cuz I'm scared I'm going to binge when trying to get there. Ya know? If I'm down 1000 cals (like right now, for instance), I know that I need something dense to get me to my goal. Yet that means a scary food, one that I might binge on. Before I never used to have to worry about this. So ughhh, why now?
Anyway, she tells me that if that's a concern of mine I should just pre-portion my snacking. Get the peanut butter, put it in a bowl with my vanilla yogurt, and then set out a certain number of pretzels. Put everything away and out of sight, and then really enjoy my snack. Don't scarf it down, but think about how I'm deserving of this treat. So that's my goal. I guess I'm about to do it after this post. *Wish me luck* :P

I guess the last thing I wanted to say in this extremely long post *sorry!* is that I am leaving for College Station, TX tomorrow afternoon for a track meet at Texas A&M. I feel like gaining weight should be easy this week since I'll be gone from tomorrow until Sunday evening. And we always eat out at places like Cracker Barrel. *Seriously, every single meet we eat here at least once. My older coach is obsessed. ha*

But I really need to get back on track with my eating and thinking. I was doing so well. Now with everything that has happened food has become one of those scary things. Today I didn't put cheese on my sandwich.. This is a bad sign. I've gotta snap out of it! My body needs fuel in order to race fast! I need fuel in order to be happy!
Ok, so I'm gonna go now. This has been way too long. And even though I don't feel the hunger, my stomach is flopping around right now, and I'm assuming food would do it some good.

P.s. One last thing! Tonight with my dinner I had the biggest sweet potato ever (not really, but it was much bigger than my normal small-ish ones), and I put butter, cinnamon, and brown sugar on it!! I usually only add cinnamon, sometimes lime juice, and maybe a tiny, tiiiny dab of butter. But tonight I didn't care. I put as much as I thought I needed so that I could actually taste the buttery, sugary, deliciooous potato, ha! Yay. So look, already there is progress! :)

One last question: I still have three half-eaten cupcakes downstairs.. What do I do with them? I tried to give them to Conrad/the roommates, but they're still untouched.. Just wondering what you guys think..

Thanks for comments, as always. They get me through the days.
<3 Haley

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Increase, increase

So yesterday I had one of the hardest workouts ever..
It was freezing outside, especially with the wind, and I did not want to run, a feeling most unusual for me.
The workout was 1x1600, 4x800's, 4x400's with 1/4 jogging rest of what you just ran.
My times were kinda slow.. 5:46, 2:53, 2:53, 2:50, 2:52, 79, 87, 81, 85, 81, 85, 80, 81. 
From the 400 meter times you can tell that the wind was at our backs on the first, third, fifth, and seventh ones, and against us every other one.
Anyway, though, it was a great workout. Although I didn't hit the times I wanted, the way the team pushed through those conditions together was just awesome. I gave everyone the biggest hug after our last rep, and I just kept repeating, "I love my team!" haha. I get really emotional after some intense running. Just ask Connor, I always end up crying on his shoulder after races (don't worry, they're usually happy tears. :P).
I was proud of myself for not being upset with myself, if that makes any sense.
Usually I'm so hard on myself that if I don't do as well as I had hoped, I consider the whole workout a failure. This isn't healthy. It's also how ED comes into play. I have to have self-confidence and realize that I tried my hardest, and that's all that I can possibly do.
I am good enough.
The 2011 Track & Field poster and schedule was just released today! It's such an honor to be on here!
So then I was exhausted after that workout. We didn't start until 4 P.M. because one of my teammates had a late class, and we finished a little after 6. Then I had to go ice and stem my achilles and my other calf that has been bothering me, and I didn't leave the training room until almost 7 o'clock last night. 
I had dinner, and did some homework. Conrad then came over, (way too late, might I add) at 10:00, and he took me out for frozen yogurt. I wasn't particularly hungry, but I knew that I needed it cuz I hadn't had too much to eat after my workout other than a Luna Bar and my low-cal dinner (not on purpose, that's just the way it ended up). 

Yumm.. Can I just say how much I love frozen yogurt?! It's my life. I got peanut butter, caramel, a twist of the two, and a twist of dreamy chocolate and french vanilla flavors. 
We took it back to my apartment and enjoyed it with some free pretzels. Ha, meaning we didn't have to pay for the extra weight of them at the froyo place!

So last night before Connor came over I called my coach and left him a voicemail asking if I could increase my mileage to what it was over Christmas. Ever since my achilles has been bothering me, it has been drastically reduced. *Don't worry. This urge to exercise more is not ED driven. I just feel like I race better off of high mileage.* Anyway, he texted me back saying that it would be fine if I wanted to add a light run in this morning. 
So I woke up and had a wonderful twenty minute 'shake-out' run. My legs weren't as tired after the workout as I thought they'd be once I started moving.
Then I had class.. class.. boring.

Ok, so onto interesting stuff, I saw my nutritionist today. 
So far this semester I've been seeing Kelly before lunch, but last semester I was able to see her in the morning after my light runs and before I had my full breakfast. I'd eat a bar maybe and then go in to get weighed. Afterwards I'd eat my oatmeal, English muffin, apple, yogurt, whatever, & drink my water in her office while we talked. I liked that. I don't really like this afternoon thing. It makes it harder to define my weight since it's more likely to fluctuate based on my diet and water intake for that day. So luckily I am able to see Kelly Wednesdays at 8 A.M. before my 9 o'clock class now. 

My weight is down. :(
And it's frustrating. But like Kelly said, I've lowered my 'baseline' to the point at which it's gotten harder to get up to the amount of calories that I need. She's right. At one point or another I convinced myself that 2000 calories was okay, because I was just needing to maintain weight, after all. But then 2000 turns to 1900, 1800, 1700.. That is not okay when I am running as much as I am. I don't need to lose anything. 
I had some good days, mind you, but my overall caloric intake has probably average 1900 this past week. Like I said, not good. 
I feel so much stronger than ever before when it comes to talking back to ED, but that's when I recognize it. Sometimes it just creeps up on me, and I don't realize that I am having disordered thoughts. Does that make any sense? I don't even know.. It's weird.

The scale is scary. And my relationship with it is very complex and dangerous. I love and hate what I see.
Another thing I am going to work on is not including my snacks as part of my meals. What I mean by this is that I keep a food log, and I write down everything I eat and guesstimate as to the calories I'm getting. I do this so that I don't go way under for the day, which is likely to happen sometimes when I don't realize that my food for the day has all been very healthy/low-cal.

Anyway, this morning I had my oatmeal on the way to school (7:45 A.M.). Then I had a bagel thin with peanut butter and greek yogurt on it between classes (the 8:00 was cancelled, so I really had this right around 8:30). I didn't eat again until after I finished my 11:00 A.M. class in which we had a test. So I ate the yogurt at 11:50 before I went to see Kelly. On my food log I tally it all, and it's around 540 calories. Which is good if that was only breakfast. But Kelly wants me to have a snack in there, too, after breakfast. And then a 600+ calorie lunch. And then another snack. And then practice. And then a Cliff bar. Big dinner. Another snack. 

AKA-I'm always eating.
And I kinda cheat by putting my snacking with my meals because then it makes my meals seem adequate.
So I've gotta stop that. I didn't really recognize that I was "cheating" until my appointment today when I was actually the one who pointed it out.

Now I have to gain at least a pound :/ Ughh, I'm so tired of this. I liked the 'maintaining' stage.
My coach pulled me over today and asked how my appt. went this morning. I told him that Kelly wants me to gain weight and I need to be eating at least 2500 cals a day, if not more. She'd prefer for me to be closer to 3000, I think. This is especially because I want to increase my mileage. Both of them don't want to do that if I am underweight. I understand completely.
So I've just gotta push through this. As long as I can make it through breakfast without being restrictive, I can make it through the rest of the day. The morning is the hardest.. :/

One of my teammates told me yesterday after the workout that I am looking so healthy. 
We ran in sports bras on Tuesday, (the weather here is crazy!!) and she said that for the first time this year she wasn't grossed out when I took off my shirt.
This may seem like a harsh comment, but I knew what she meant, and I didn't take it the wrong way. She said that before she could see my rib cage, and I just looked unhealthy. She likes seeing the progress I'm making both physically and emotionally. 
I LOVE these comments. I need to remember that I am so worth fighting for. 

Btw, my boyfriend did awesome in that workout yesterday. He runs on the track team here at State, too. I'm so proud of him. :) He was injured over Christmas break, but he's coming back strong. He's a really hard worker, a great guy, and the best boyfriend. He supports me no matter what. Random, but I felt like mentioning how blessed I am to have him. <3 

Anyway, I guess that's all I've got. I hope all of you are having a fabulous week! It's almost Friday, Yippie!
Once again, the birthday comments were especially appreciated. :) And it's great to know that you guys realize how hard it was to have that cupcake. So glad I enjoyed that! Yay for kicking ED butt.
Hopefully tomorrow I'll start off the weight-gaining week the right way!
<3 Haley

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Just ate a cupcake!

Yum. This was to die for. Red velvet is my favorite.

My friend Kelly brought this over yesterday afternoon, and I was really wary of eating it for several reasons..
1. I knew I was going out for pasta last night, and that would be a lot of calories.
2. My best friend Caroline also sent me naughty goodies.
3. I was also supposed to go out for frozen yogurt.
4. Most importantly, I felt as if I would gain 8 pounds if I ate all of this stuff this week.
Caro sent me dark chocolate & Pure Maple Syrup candy. Umm, yum.
p.s. Sorry it reads backwards. These pictures are all from my mac.
But tonight after I ate dinner, and I was like, hey.. I want that cupcake. And I was hungry, so hey..
No, I didn't eat it while standing over the kitchen sink. *Something I typically do when in binge mode*
I heated it up until the frosting was almost melted, placed it on a plate, grabbed a fork, and brought it up to my room to enjoy while reading fellow blogger's posts :) It was delish.

Last night was fun. Connor came over to take me out to dinner, and we ordered two separate pastas and each had half like always :) We also had bread that we dipped in the olive oil they set before us. So yummy. Pasta is definitely one of my favorite meals.
We didn't end up going out for frozen yogurt cuz we were both stuffed after dinner, but we're supposed to go tomorrow night. I'm excited for that. They have my favorite flavor in right now: Birthday Cake!
I just wish they had Peanut Butter. Ugh, that is also a fave. I'm a self-proclaimed Peanut Butter Queen, so of course I love the Froyo :)
We did watch the movie Easy A before falling asleep around 10:30. It was really funny and cute. I'm also glad I got to bed at a decent hour, something I haven't been doing much of lately!

As for today, I had an appointment with my therapist at 1:00. Of course I'm ten minutes late, and I'm told that we may have to reschedule because she probably moved on to her next appointment. I was really upset. It ruined my plans for the day. :/ But luckily, she was able to see me!
The first thing she said to me was something about how good I'm looking. I'm looking healthy; I have color in my face; I look happy. Yay for ED butt-kicking compliments :)
We go on to talk about lots of things.. I tell her about my Christmas eve binge *worst in my life*. Then I tell her that I'm just tired of this relationship with food. It's stupid. Of course she tells me that there are underlying reasons for my obsession with control over food, and that's what therapy is for.
I expressed to her some worries of mine, though, that I wasn't worthy of therapy. I mean, I'm not that bad. I tell her, "I mean, my mom's not drinking right now.. [*****] isn't happening right now" (***=don't want to mention). She says, "You keep saying, 'right now'. And that's what we've got to work on."
So yea, I guess I still do have problems, and even if they're not that great in comparison to some, she does see the need in me coming in and talking with her. Therapy is different and can be uncomfortable at times, but it makes me think.. I like that.

Anyway, other than that I don't have much to say.. I was tempted to keep eating sweets after that cupcake, but I'm glad I picked up the computer instead. If I get hungry later *which I think I already am*, then I'll eat something. If not, I'll just go to bed. My therapist says I need to learn the difference between discipline and control. I had not thought much about these two words and their correlation and differences before, but now it is starting to make sense. I need to learn to let myself eat these sweets without going overboard, while at the same time not looking at it as a control thing. I don't think I worded that to make very much sense, but I get it, and I guess that's all that matters.

Ok, so I will leave you with a picture of the beautiful jewelry box my sweet boyfriend got me for my birthday along with the book that his mom sent me. *I've never mentioned Mrs. Terri, Connor's mom, on here before, but she is my rock. She is such a sweet lady, and she loves and cares for me so much. I don't know what I'd do without her and her family.*
I got lots of jewelry over Christmas, and I've had nowhere to put it, so this was the perfect gift. :)
I'm beyond excited to read this book.
I hope you all have a good night! Thank you for all of the birthday wishes and comments. They are so sweet and keep me going. :)
<3 Haley