Sunday, February 20, 2011

I'm slipping..

Cupcake Wars on Food Network is making me want something sweet right now.
Unfortunately I'm scared to do that cuz I don't want to binge..

Before writing this I had titled this post: "Cupcake Wars and I have a love/hate relationship".
I just changed it to "I'm slipping..", though, because I feel like this is the more important issue.
For some reason it's easy for me to eat sometimes.
When I went out with Conrad to the local Hibachi/sushi place, I could totally eat that stuff. All day.
Other times it's not so easy.. When I take the leftovers home, I can't go near it. It's too scary. Even though I had at least 12 sushi rolls PLUS lots of hibachi on Monday, I won't let myself eat those last 5. I won't let myself eat the rest of the hibachi. Why is this? Grr..

I made delicious oatmeal again this morning. 1/2 cup of Oats with Light Vanilla Silk, cinnamon, nutmeg, organic crunchy pb, and raspberry preserves. So PB&J Oats!
I only allowed myself to eat it after I ran, though. I was hungry before I ran. But I thought, no. You've gotta run BEFORE. Grr.. ED, Stay away from my running.

Cucumbers, spinach, tomato, ham, turkey, onion, red yellow & green bell peppers, mushrooms, olives, banana peppers, and a couple pickles. 
Then I had my lunch. Carrots & a little hummus and my sandwich. Granted, my sandwich is huge, and I wasn't particularly hungry after eating it; but Kelly still wants me to eat chips, pretzels, some kind of snack along with it..
I knew this. I packed snacks. Just didn't eat them.

I say I packed snacks because Conrad and I had a picnic this afternoon :)
This was our view
We went by the lake on campus, across from our student athletic center, and set up camp.
It was nice. We talked while enjoying our lunches, and then afterwards I handed him this "just wanted to say.." card.
It was pretty much me saying how sorry I am for putting him through all that I have and letting him know how much I truly appreciate and love him for his compassion, patience, and loyalty with me through all of my ups and downs (ED related & otherwise).
I cried. I hadn't really planned on talking about all of this today. I definitely hadn't planned on crying and venting about my frustration with ED to my boyfriend on our lunch date. I feel bad every time I bring stuff like this up. He doesn't deserve to have to deal with my problems, too. :/
Anyway, we hugged it out, ha. It was really good for me.
It was good to admit to him that I have been struggling more than usual lately. He said he could tell that there had been distance between us this past week, and so he was happy that we talked, as well.
The distance=ED being evil and telling me that I'm not good enough to be happy.

Well then Conrad's still hungry so we go to Local Culture, the local froyo place. We got Triple Chocolate+pb, and then some white chocolate mousse yogurts. Topped with cookies and chocolate bits and bananas. My faaaave is the peanut butter, so I had some. I didn't have much, but I ate some. I had some banana topping, too.

Anyway, then I went home.. did a chat online with my group for Social Foundations of Education class, and ate an apple.
I later ate dinner. Baked cod. Sweet potato with cinnamon, truvia, and greek yogurt. Steamed broccoli.
After dinner I was still a little hungry, so I had the rest of the 6 oz container of plain greek yogurt with the rest of the truvia packet and some cinnamon. Yum. I'll have to try that more often.

So I don't feel like I've been that restrictive tonight.. I ate a good dinner. I ate until I was full.
So why am I so low on calories? Because I was restrictive earlier.. :/
And why am I now so afraid of eating? Well first of all, it's almost 11 P.M. That's a tad late to be eating..
Also, I think it's because I really don't wanna eat if I'm not hungry. Ok, so I'm a little hungry. But still.. Eating late after a low cal day=bingeing.. Well, sometimes. And I don't want one of those times to be tonight.
It's just that lately I feel like my appetite is so small that it's doing me some harm! I need to eat more. That's the point of food logging. It's supposed to let me know I need more.

I see Kelly Wednesday morning. I really have to get back on track these next couple days. I'll be working on it.
Connor and I talked a lot today about how I complain of having no one (best friends here at college), yet I subconsciously push others away. This is also something I've got to work on. Relationships involve two people. I can't expect someone to just reach out to me if I'm not even willing to accept the hand.

Also, I need to start praying and putting more faith in God like I used to. He's the only way that I'm going to be able to defeat this evil chatterbox telling me I'm not good enough.

I feel confident that I can do this. No one said recovery was easy. Then again, no one warned me it would be this hard, either.
<3 Haley


  1. Hey darling! If you're feeling strong enough I would get a snack, but take out only what you want and eat it in another room. :)

    Its great that you have such a wonderful relationship with Conner. He sounds so sweet!
    I know you can do this - you're a fighter!

  2. Hey how ironic, I just ate a cupcake! The weather there looks beautiful, and that view...whoooeeeey. What a sight! We had a small blizzard here in SLC today, nothing big, just a few inches, but I'm ready for warmer weather. Sounds like a very good vent you had with Connor. It's always good to open up. The ones who love us most are the ones who really want to know what's going on. Love you! Keep troopin <3

  3. Hey Haley!
    I'm sorry to read that you are struggling. The best thing to do is to talk about your struggles with Connor or someone else that you trust, which you are doing :) Your sandwich looks really yummy but, as you know, it's most definitely NOT enough if you want to beat this eating disorder. Especially when you are as active as YOU are. Gaining weight doesn't mean that you are getting "fat". It means that you are getting healthy and getting your life back.

    Sometimes you need to risk having more food if it means the possibility of binging. The less you restrict, the less likely you are to binge the next time that you are hungry. Keep fighting Hales!!


  4. I'm sorry you're struggling Haley. Recovery is really hard, but we just have to keep trying. Sometimes baby steps are the only thing we can do, so don't be too hard on yourself.

    On the other hand, you have to eat even if you aren't hungry. I hated having to accept this one. Some days, I'm just not hungry for breakfast or lunch, but you still need that fuel, especially if you're running!

    Hugs. You can do this Haley. I believe in you.

  5. Haley,
    I know exactly what you mean by being hungry, but not eating because you're afraid of bingeing. I still struggle with finding a healthy balance between restricting and bingeing.

    The good thing is that you *realize* what is going on with you, and you can actively work on these issues.

    Sending you lots of love!

  6. <3 Just wanted to tell you that you are hanging in there tough. I know it is hard, but I know you will find your balance. It is not easy to not to believe ED lies and what it tells you. But ignore it!! It is not good for you. I know that one day you will find your balance. Just keep going. You can do it.

  7. I can relate Haley. Trying to avoid binging often leads me to restricting and its SO. HARD. to find balence.

    Its great that you've been able to talk to Connor and that you're perceptive enough to know where you struggle.

    Girl, keep pushing through. I know you can do it. You're so strong and getting back on track begins with small steps.

    Keep fighting, and know that I, and the rest of the blog community will be by your side fighting along with you.

  8. You can do it Haley. I know far too well the fear of binging/overeating vs restricting. It's a tricky balance to find, but if you treat yourself well your body will normalize and you'll be less likely to binge in the future.
    You can do it, just don't give up because there are great things ahead of you!

    Take care.

  9. I know it can be so hard to eat late at night even if you are hungry. Even though I don't struggle with binging I still can't make myself eat past 9 even if I'm starving. Keep placing your trust in God and He will lead you through this Haley, I promise <3

  10. Although you may feel like you are slipping, I can see how hard you are trying. You don't have to do it perfectly everyday. Glad you tried the peanut butter in your oatmeal. Isn't it YUM! Sending {{{HUGS}}}

  11. Hey Honey! Sorry I'm a few days late responding to your post, but I am here and hoping your doing well! I know that some things can feel like they will trigger you, but I feel like if you have the support you do when you need it (ie your bf) then you'll be able to get through those hard moments you think you can't.

    Stay strong! Don't be afraid to eat!