Unfortunately I'm scared to do that cuz I don't want to binge..
Before writing this I had titled this post: "Cupcake Wars and I have a love/hate relationship".
I just changed it to "I'm slipping..", though, because I feel like this is the more important issue.
For some reason it's easy for me to eat sometimes.
When I went out with Conrad to the local Hibachi/sushi place, I could totally eat that stuff. All day.
Other times it's not so easy.. When I take the leftovers home, I can't go near it. It's too scary. Even though I had at least 12 sushi rolls PLUS lots of hibachi on Monday, I won't let myself eat those last 5. I won't let myself eat the rest of the hibachi. Why is this? Grr..
I made delicious oatmeal again this morning. 1/2 cup of Oats with Light Vanilla Silk, cinnamon, nutmeg, organic crunchy pb, and raspberry preserves. So PB&J Oats!
I only allowed myself to eat it after I ran, though. I was hungry before I ran. But I thought, no. You've gotta run BEFORE. Grr.. ED, Stay away from my running.
|Cucumbers, spinach, tomato, ham, turkey, onion, red yellow & green bell peppers, mushrooms, olives, banana peppers, and a couple pickles.|
I knew this. I packed snacks. Just didn't eat them.
I say I packed snacks because Conrad and I had a picnic this afternoon :)
|This was our view|
It was nice. We talked while enjoying our lunches, and then afterwards I handed him this "just wanted to say.." card.
It was pretty much me saying how sorry I am for putting him through all that I have and letting him know how much I truly appreciate and love him for his compassion, patience, and loyalty with me through all of my ups and downs (ED related & otherwise).
I cried. I hadn't really planned on talking about all of this today. I definitely hadn't planned on crying and venting about my frustration with ED to my boyfriend on our lunch date. I feel bad every time I bring stuff like this up. He doesn't deserve to have to deal with my problems, too. :/
Anyway, we hugged it out, ha. It was really good for me.
It was good to admit to him that I have been struggling more than usual lately. He said he could tell that there had been distance between us this past week, and so he was happy that we talked, as well.
The distance=ED being evil and telling me that I'm not good enough to be happy.
Well then Conrad's still hungry so we go to Local Culture, the local froyo place. We got Triple Chocolate+pb, and then some white chocolate mousse yogurts. Topped with cookies and chocolate bits and bananas. My faaaave is the peanut butter, so I had some. I didn't have much, but I ate some. I had some banana topping, too.
Anyway, then I went home.. did a chat online with my group for Social Foundations of Education class, and ate an apple.
I later ate dinner. Baked cod. Sweet potato with cinnamon, truvia, and greek yogurt. Steamed broccoli.
After dinner I was still a little hungry, so I had the rest of the 6 oz container of plain greek yogurt with the rest of the truvia packet and some cinnamon. Yum. I'll have to try that more often.
So I don't feel like I've been that restrictive tonight.. I ate a good dinner. I ate until I was full.
So why am I so low on calories? Because I was restrictive earlier.. :/
And why am I now so afraid of eating? Well first of all, it's almost 11 P.M. That's a tad late to be eating..
Also, I think it's because I really don't wanna eat if I'm not hungry. Ok, so I'm a little hungry. But still.. Eating late after a low cal day=bingeing.. Well, sometimes. And I don't want one of those times to be tonight.
It's just that lately I feel like my appetite is so small that it's doing me some harm! I need to eat more. That's the point of food logging. It's supposed to let me know I need more.
I see Kelly Wednesday morning. I really have to get back on track these next couple days. I'll be working on it.
Connor and I talked a lot today about how I complain of having no one (best friends here at college), yet I subconsciously push others away. This is also something I've got to work on. Relationships involve two people. I can't expect someone to just reach out to me if I'm not even willing to accept the hand.
Also, I need to start praying and putting more faith in God like I used to. He's the only way that I'm going to be able to defeat this evil chatterbox telling me I'm not good enough.
I feel confident that I can do this. No one said recovery was easy. Then again, no one warned me it would be this hard, either.