Thursday, August 30, 2012

You shouldn't eat that; you'll get fat.

I am very frustrated right now to say the least.

I decided to have a shake for dinner tonight. I have lots to do, and I just didn't feel like cooking anything for myself. So I put some yogurt, soy milk, a banana, spinach, ice, and a scoop of protein powder into the blender and called it a meal!

I was cleaning up while sipping on my shake when a roommate came downstairs. This is the only roommate that does any sports. She was my track teammate, and although I love her, it's times like these that I get very bothered..

She noticed that my protein powder was out and said, "Why do you use whey protein?"
Me: "Cuz this smoothie is my dinner and it needs to fill me up! Plus I haven't really had any protein today."
Roommate: "You know if you don't lift weights that stuff makes you retain fat."
Me: (I hesitate.. topics like this are always very sensitive with me) "Well, whatever. A calorie is a calorie."
Roommate: "No, not really.. I've talked to lots of doctors and trainers and everything about it. You can actually have mine. I don't want it anymore" (points to her container of cookies 'n cream whey)
Me: "Why don't you want it?"
Roommate: "Because it makes you fat! I just said that."

My pandora was playing, and luckily one of my favorite Modest Mouse songs came on and I just zoned out by singing while continuing to clean up.
After a few seconds of her watching me, she said she had to go and I waved goodbye.

It's not just the words she spoke, but the way that she said it that made my skin crawl. She spoke to me as if I am voluntarily making myself fat and SHE knows better than to eat that stuff, so ha!

I am so very close to being completely recovered from all of my eating disorders, it is crazy. But hearing shit like this still sets something off in me.
I went to my room and googled something like, "Does whey protein make you retain fat if you are not working out?"

Mostly I got 'yahoo answers' responses, but from what I gathered it doesn't make you gain weight or fat any more than any other food would. It's basically pure protein, so it is a supplement for your diet if you don't get enough..

I guess the point of this post is that I am freaking tired of hearing things like this.
Why is our society so hell-bent on being the thinnest/losing the most weight/looking the best?
Honestly, I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and I weigh more than I have ever weighed.
Taken just now! This is what I look like now. Blonde/pink hair. :P
Sometimes I look in the mirror and think, geesh.. you have let yourself go.
But then I remember how far I have come and where I am headed.. I remember the seemingly-eternal hell that I went through in order to make myself 'skinny' and 'fast'.
I just want to let anyone that is struggling with an eating disorder to know that there is such a better life out there for you after recovery, a life of happiness, wholeness, joy. 
I didn't feel anything when I was anorexic.. or when I was really deep in binge eating disorder, really. And who wants to live their life as a numb shell of the person they could be?

It's just that I am so tired of people telling me what I can and cannot do, what I can and cannot eat, etc..
We shouldn't place rules on food.  Food is fuel. And more than that, it is something to savor, taste, love.

I'm done ranting. I know this was all over the place. I am not even going to reread or edit this post. I am just so done with it all.

I'll be writing a more up-to-date/less bitchy post sometime in the near future.

Sending you all my love,

Monday, August 13, 2012

A Utopic thought: Accepting and loving rather than berating and hating

Well today has been interesting. Not at all eventful, yet I feel like it is far from a wasted day of summer. I have done lots of thinking. I have been asking questions like each one is my last.

I spent the morning journaling, reading, and tumblr-ing. I decided to go to the gym this afternoon to run. I went downstairs to see my family for the first time all day, and as I was about to leave my mom asked me (jokingly, I hope) if she could pay me to have her keep my puppy while I'm away at college. I replied, "No, Mom! You can't buy my love!" 
We all giggled a bit, and then she whined, "But Haley, Riley is helping me with my sobriety!!" 
My response: "Uh, you don't think Riley is a big part of mine, too? She's been with me through so much."
My dad laughs and, loaded with sarcasm, says, "Yea, I can totally see how Riley has helped you.. Let's go to the fridge for proof." 
He points at several pictures of me on the fridge while giving me a look of total mockery and disbelief. He 'jokes', "Hmm.. huge failure here. And here. And here..."

I immediately start tearing up. I have gotten so much better about appreciating my body and realizing I am so much more than outward appearance, but I still struggle with pictures, especially. I choke back the tears, grab my dad's keys, quickly brush past both parents, and slam the door behind me.
I can't hold it in any longer. It's been building up. All the stress, drama, anticipation, worry. I bawl like an idiot in the middle of my driveway.

My mom came outside a couple minutes later saying that my dad was not referring to my weight gain. He was talking about my 'drinking'. 
One of the pictures he pointed to was taken at my best friend's 21st birthday dinner with her parents. We are holding up girly mixed drinks and smiling. My cheeks are chubby. My arms are a little flabby. But I am happy. Let me reemphasize this: BUT I AM HAPPY.

Of course I don't believe her. My dad has made hurtful comments about my weight gain since last summer. I don't expect this time to be any different. I am always on guard for his sharp stabs, painful reminders that I am not the once great runner, and by extension daughter, that I once was to him. 

You see, my dad didn't take the news of my not returning to the track team very well at all. He argued that I'm throwing away my chance of a free college education. He said that he knows that I am going through stuff, but I am ruining the chance of a lifetime. People everywhere wish they had my talent or even the opportunity I was given to run at the college level. 
I see behind all of his arguments, though. I know that he is scared. He has always been known as Haley's dad, the proud parent of a strong, fast, dedicated student athlete. 
Of course I've had tons of other things going for me, but my dad has always been most interested in my sports.
He has never missed a gymnastics tournament, basketball game, soccer match, or cross country or track meet unless he absolutely had no chance of getting there. He has traveled countless hours to watch me compete. And he has paid a good bit of his hard-earned money to watch me succeed. It's his way of connecting with me.

I hate to let down my father and everyone else, but I was just not happy. I am so much more than a runner. I wish some people would open their eyes and see that.

Anyway, apparently my father worries I have a drinking problem now. Although I understand his concern to an extent since alcoholism is quite prevalent in my family, I still find it totally absurd that he would actually think I have a problem. Sure, I have had more alcoholic beverages this summer than ever before, but 'ever before' included never drinking.
Now, ocassionally my friends and I will go out or have a party or go to the lake, and I'll have a couple Blueberry Lemonade Smirnoffs or maybe some chocolate wine. But this by no means indicates that I have a problem; they need not worry.
I don't know why I'm explaining myself here. I know I shouldn't. There really is no need. But yea..

I guess this is all to say that it is interesting how I assumed my dad was referring to my weight- just like I assume anyone who has not seen me in a while is going to be totally shocked and repulsed by my softer, curvier body. Obviously I still have much to work on in terms of insecurities and caring about other people's opinions, especially the negative ones.

Later tonight, my dad came in my room and said that he was not referring to my weight in the pictures. He meant that Riley had not helped my alcohol sobriety. Although I am only drinking in one picture, he says he knew I was drinking at my best friend's wedding, of which there is a picture of me and a fellow bridesmaid beaming while holding our bouquets.
He claims he has never thought I have any sort of problem with alcohol. He knows I am just young and having fun... So I don't know what the deal is. I guess it doesn't matter. I'm leaving soon and won't have to deal with all of this anymore.

It does make me question my logic, though. I worry over a perception of my looks but I don't care so much about someone questioning if I have a problem with alcohol? Kind of messed up.
Seriously. I think, 'Who cares what dad thinks about my drinking? I know I don't have a problem and it really doesn't matter if he agrees.'
I wish I could be so 'screw you' when it comes to my body image. Really though, who cares if I've gained some weight? I've battled two (TWO!) eating disorders and have come out stronger for it.
I wish people's thoughts and words did not affect me. But they do, and I worry.
So in response to that, I will share the words of the astoundingly brilliant Eleanor Roosevelt: "You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do."

We are all so caught up in our own actions, thoughts, and feelings, especially the negative ones. We find it hard to see the good in our own person. But for others it is just the opposite. If we could all just take a step back and see ourselves for what we truly are the world would be a much happier place.

I'll leave it at that. Except I'll add this link. It's a beautiful article written by a strong and brave woman. I was inspired. I hope you will be, too. CLICK HERE!

Monday, August 6, 2012

A note for tumblr's 'thinspo and pro-ana' community

I am so tired of pro-anorexia bullshit. Everywhere. I just saw something on tumblr that really pisses me off. *For those of you that don't know, tumblr is another blog site, mainly consisting of still and moving pictures and quotes*. Anyway, I thought I would share my frustration with this blog. 
This is something I just posted to my tumblr. I doubt it will get 1/10 of the 'posts' that the original post will receive, but I don't care. I will be happy if even one person reads what I have to say and knows that you don't have to be a size zero to be beautiful.
So here it is. In the pink.
A quote that came across my tumblr dashboard (reblogged multiple times):
“YOU WILL be thin. You will be happy. You will wear bikinis. You will be the skinny one. You will have that gap. You will have that flat stomach. You will not be ashamed of your body. You will be beautiful. You will weigh less. You will eat less. You will exercise more. You will do what it takes. You will KEEP GOING.”
You WILL BE beautiful?? Am I the only one who sees what’s wrong with this picture? Why are you only beautiful and confident if you have a thigh gap and a flat stomach??
You will eat less? OH YAY!! I cannot wait to eat less! Life goal, complete. I am now totally self-fulfilled and completely happy, now that the number on the scale defines me as beautiful and thin. Because apparently those all go hand in hand. Thin=happy, beautiful, confident, healthy, strong. How ridiculous and pathetic.
Side note for those of you that reblog the aforementioned quote thinking that this seems like a healthy mindset and way of life: this post was made from a pro-anorexia blog. So just take a minute and think that over. I don’t think a mental illness will make you any happier. Just sayin’.
I know it seems a little harsh, but I was upset. I am tired of the photoshopping and the idealizing of unrealistic Victoria's Secret bodies. Maybe it's just me, but I find 'normal' or 'curvy' women so much more attractive.
I'm not saying that skinny people cannot be beautiful, too. They can, and they are-if they are healthy. But to say that these are the only beautiful people is outrageous and abominable.
P.s. This is a 'plus size' model.
Society is so messed up.

But I love you all <3