Saturday, September 24, 2011

Mom relapsed; I'm hurting.

I'm going through a rough time right now..

I set up my voicemail on my Iphone Monday night, and all of a sudden I had 14 new voicemails.. Oops.
Two of them were from my mother.
She left one towards the end of August and one on September 3rd..
The September 3rd voicemail was left from the number that she used to call me on when she relapsed.. some 751 number with music playing in the background.. my heart stopped..

I was already texting my dad, so I text him asking about Mom..
"Where's Mom? I just realized I haven't talked to her in forever.. Did she relapse?"
Dad responds saying that yes, she did relapse, and she is at Lakeside Hospital in the drug and alcohol center.. 

My heart hurts. I try to be strong, asking, "Why didn't anyone tell me? When did she relapse? When will she get out of Lakeside?"
Dad pretty much tells me that he didn't tell me because he knows how I worry and try to take her burdens on myself.
I know he's right, but I'm still upset.
I'm not a child; I deserve to know what's going on..

So Wednesday morning we had a workout, and of course I sucked it uuupppp.
We did a 1200 on a flat/downhill course with 90 seconds rest and then ran a 400 uphill pretty fast with 4 minutes rest before the next 1200. We did 5 reps.
I don't know what happened, but my body just wouldn't go.
Mentally, emotionally, physically, I was drained..
I hadn't eaten the best the day before.. 
Tuesday during the day I had way too much pb at lunch.. almost a complete binge.. I guess I would call it a binge, but it wasn't as much as usual.. And then I had a small-ish dinner and went to bed and woke up kinda hungry..
My trainers saw that I was getting dizzy, I was looking like I was about to pass out, and so they continued to shove Peanut butter Gatorade bars down my throat..
Yes, I felt better once I had some food in me, but I still sucked (finished 6th on the team towards the end).. And anyway, I don't think that's the problem..
I feel like I'm letting all of my emotional damage mess with my running..
Mom & I Christmas eve 2010
My dad texted me Wednesday morning worrying about how I was doing, and I replied saying how horrible the workout went.. 
He said that he's not surprised because the mind, body, and soul are all connected, and if one is out of whack it is hard for the others to function properly.. I agree with this concept..
So I've been trying to get back on track, but it's so hard..

I mean, isn't it sad that I didn't talk to my mother for 3 weeks before realizing that we hadn't spoken in a while??
Isn't it sad that the only way I know about my sister is through facebook??
And how pathetic is it that the guys team asked me where she goes to school and I responded saying, "I don't really know.. I think she may be in community college..?"
I know she was trying to get in, but she applied late, so I'm not sure whether it worked out.
I miss her.
We fought all the time in high school, but we're so different and we had so much going on throughout our childhood.. I can't really blame her for acting out against me or anyone else.
And my brother is probably going through so much right now, too.. I can't even imagine how he feels..

I feel disconnected from my family, and it hurts..
But so much s*** happens that sometimes it's easier that way.
Sara, me, Dad, and Reed at my high school graduation, May 2009
My mom called me from some random number Thursday night when I was pulling dinner out of the oven.. I answered and my heart stopped again when I realized it was her on the line..
I could tell she was slightly messed up plus she had been crying, so I told her I couldn't talk right now even though she said she really needed to talk to me..
She asked if she could call me back at 9 that night. I said yes.
But when she called, I saw the number, and I hurt too bad to answer.
What am I supposed to say?

I'm tired of the hurt.
I'm tired of loving her, caring for her, being there for her every time she relapses..
Yet I can't let her go.
I know she loves me.
I don't doubt that for a second.
But I hate her disease.
I hate mine, too.
I hate addiction. I hate this disconnection I feel from her and the world.
At least things with my dad are infinitely better than high school. He is my biggest fan, and I love him so much.
This morning I had an 8 mile tempo run.. 47:17. My teammate Renee did 47:09. We did the last three miles on the track, and with 800 to go she left me but tried to pull me along.
My legs hurt, my body hurt.. I was weak.
I'm worried about this year.
Running-wise, things are much different.. I am not as obsessive over every single mile, but is that a bad thing?
Is obsession/anorexia/making running your life the price that you have to pay to be good?
I'm making B's on all of my tests so far.. I feel overweight..  I don't feel like I'm excelling in anything :/
Yes, overall, I am still happy, and I am loving my life without food/running/being perfect being the center of everything.. but sometimes I miss that on top of the world feeling.
I feel like the world is on top of ME. And the pressure is just too much sometimes.

Okay, so that's a lot to say..
There's a lot of emotion in here.. a lot of things that I haven't addressed or felt in a long time.
But I just needed to get all of this off my chest.
If you read all this, you're a hero, ha.

I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer in this post. Life is good.
It's just hard.
And I find myself being sad without even noticing it..
Connor and I were making dinner last night, and I was chopping the onion.. It made me cry.. I never cry with onions, but I figured this one was just especially potent.. But then Connor looked over at me and said that I actually look sad, like it's not just the onions that are making me cry..
And that's kinda what's been going on lately.. every opportunity I have to be sad, I take it.. I don't want to be, but I just miss my mom and I wish that her actions proved the love that she has for us..
I wish I had more than 6 months of sobriety with her.

Okay, I'll stop writing.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Late night lab & happy goofiness

Just finished a freaking long lab report for 'Introduction to Food Preparation' class.
It was about sensory evaluation.
What a fun lab, though! Eating gummy bears, mushrooms, pretzels, pineapple, grapes, chocolate, almonds to identify their flavor, texture, aroma, and appearance. Too bad the report wasn't as much fun as the taste testing ;) haha, oh well.
I love nutrition :)
Yummy pasta and bread to fuel my beautiful teammates & I on pre-race day :)
P.s. I won the home meet this weekend! 5k in 17:48.. it wasn't the fastest time, and now I wish I had gone faster in the middle, but oh well! A win is a win! Plus that's 30 seconds faster than last year at this time, so really I shouldn't be complaining.
Also, I am so much happier now than I was a year ago; it's crazy.

My amazing friend/roommate Mollie was just going through her facebook messages, and she came across a message she sent to her mom on September 20th of LAST YEAR in which she was asking her mom to pray 'for her friend Haley who is really having a hard time dealing with her mom situation' and she mentioned that I wasn't eating.. I think that is just so crazy that I am in a completely different place now.
My boo :)
And I am so sososoosososo much happier.
Seriously, I didn't know life could be this good a year ago.
Yea, life sucks sometimes. It's not a birthday party every day. Buuuut, I will take the good with the bad.
Cuz now I'm so goofy and I love it :)
Creepin' in the background ;)
<3 Haley

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Back from Neverland :)

Okay, so I doubt anyone even reads this thing anymore!
I mean, when was the last time I posted? Forever ago..
But that is okay! I started this blog for me and ultimately that is what it is about.. my sanity :P

So anywayyyy, life has been good.
Ups and downs, for sure.
But I am happy.
I am experiencing emotion.
I cannot describe in words the change that has overcome me this past year.

I went to see my therapist, Dr. Tatem, yesterday for the first time in quite a while. After a few minutes of us just chatting and catching up, she just stared at me with this weird smile on her face..
I was like, "What?"
And she responded saying that she has never seen me with so much spirit. She said that now, even when describing my worst days, I still have more fire and life than she had ever seen in me before.
She also said that I have grown so much.. Honestly, that is definitely how I would sum up this chapter of my life. It has definitely been about growth and discovering who I am.

No one wants the Haley that was stuck inside of a skeletal body, wishing she could just be alone and not wanting to socialize, eat out, go out with everyone..
They like the one that is dancing on the couch like she's had wayyy too much to drink even though I really have not had a sip!

Living=letting yourself feel... everything!

Yes, it hurts sometimes, but life is so much better now that I am laughing or crying or angry or whatever!
I am getting to know myself.
I LOVE who I am.
I love this quirky, confident, confused, spunky, outgoing, and crazy girl!
I wasn't ready for the picture.. :) haha, but this is typical Hay + Nay
P.s. Renee, I am stealing pictures from your blog because I am writing this from a computer at school. :P
I'll upload my own soon :)
I love my team!!
So anorexic thoughts definitely comes back to bite me in the butt sometimes; don't get me wrong..
And that ultimately leads to a binge *or multiple binges*..
But I am learning to give my body, mind, and soul everything that it desires because
I deserve that.

Connor and I are still together, and we are more in love than ever. He is my everything.
I am loving Nutrition (my major), and running is going alright, as well. I do wish that I could lose some of this binge weight so that I would be more fit for this season, but it will all come off in due time if it is meant to happen.
My family is the same, my family.. We're distant, and it hurts sometimes, but maybe it's better this way..

I will write again soon with a more detailed post. I just wanted to do a little catch-up. I miss everyone I have met through blogger, and I hope you all have been doing wonderfully!
<3 Haley