Saturday, September 24, 2011

Mom relapsed; I'm hurting.

I'm going through a rough time right now..

I set up my voicemail on my Iphone Monday night, and all of a sudden I had 14 new voicemails.. Oops.
Two of them were from my mother.
She left one towards the end of August and one on September 3rd..
The September 3rd voicemail was left from the number that she used to call me on when she relapsed.. some 751 number with music playing in the background.. my heart stopped..

I was already texting my dad, so I text him asking about Mom..
"Where's Mom? I just realized I haven't talked to her in forever.. Did she relapse?"
Dad responds saying that yes, she did relapse, and she is at Lakeside Hospital in the drug and alcohol center.. 

My heart hurts. I try to be strong, asking, "Why didn't anyone tell me? When did she relapse? When will she get out of Lakeside?"
Dad pretty much tells me that he didn't tell me because he knows how I worry and try to take her burdens on myself.
I know he's right, but I'm still upset.
I'm not a child; I deserve to know what's going on..

So Wednesday morning we had a workout, and of course I sucked it uuupppp.
We did a 1200 on a flat/downhill course with 90 seconds rest and then ran a 400 uphill pretty fast with 4 minutes rest before the next 1200. We did 5 reps.
I don't know what happened, but my body just wouldn't go.
Mentally, emotionally, physically, I was drained..
I hadn't eaten the best the day before.. 
Tuesday during the day I had way too much pb at lunch.. almost a complete binge.. I guess I would call it a binge, but it wasn't as much as usual.. And then I had a small-ish dinner and went to bed and woke up kinda hungry..
My trainers saw that I was getting dizzy, I was looking like I was about to pass out, and so they continued to shove Peanut butter Gatorade bars down my throat..
Yes, I felt better once I had some food in me, but I still sucked (finished 6th on the team towards the end).. And anyway, I don't think that's the problem..
I feel like I'm letting all of my emotional damage mess with my running..
Mom & I Christmas eve 2010
My dad texted me Wednesday morning worrying about how I was doing, and I replied saying how horrible the workout went.. 
He said that he's not surprised because the mind, body, and soul are all connected, and if one is out of whack it is hard for the others to function properly.. I agree with this concept..
So I've been trying to get back on track, but it's so hard..

I mean, isn't it sad that I didn't talk to my mother for 3 weeks before realizing that we hadn't spoken in a while??
Isn't it sad that the only way I know about my sister is through facebook??
And how pathetic is it that the guys team asked me where she goes to school and I responded saying, "I don't really know.. I think she may be in community college..?"
I know she was trying to get in, but she applied late, so I'm not sure whether it worked out.
I miss her.
We fought all the time in high school, but we're so different and we had so much going on throughout our childhood.. I can't really blame her for acting out against me or anyone else.
And my brother is probably going through so much right now, too.. I can't even imagine how he feels..

I feel disconnected from my family, and it hurts..
But so much s*** happens that sometimes it's easier that way.
Sara, me, Dad, and Reed at my high school graduation, May 2009
My mom called me from some random number Thursday night when I was pulling dinner out of the oven.. I answered and my heart stopped again when I realized it was her on the line..
I could tell she was slightly messed up plus she had been crying, so I told her I couldn't talk right now even though she said she really needed to talk to me..
She asked if she could call me back at 9 that night. I said yes.
But when she called, I saw the number, and I hurt too bad to answer.
What am I supposed to say?

I'm tired of the hurt.
I'm tired of loving her, caring for her, being there for her every time she relapses..
Yet I can't let her go.
I know she loves me.
I don't doubt that for a second.
But I hate her disease.
I hate mine, too.
I hate addiction. I hate this disconnection I feel from her and the world.
At least things with my dad are infinitely better than high school. He is my biggest fan, and I love him so much.
This morning I had an 8 mile tempo run.. 47:17. My teammate Renee did 47:09. We did the last three miles on the track, and with 800 to go she left me but tried to pull me along.
My legs hurt, my body hurt.. I was weak.
I'm worried about this year.
Running-wise, things are much different.. I am not as obsessive over every single mile, but is that a bad thing?
Is obsession/anorexia/making running your life the price that you have to pay to be good?
I'm making B's on all of my tests so far.. I feel overweight..  I don't feel like I'm excelling in anything :/
Yes, overall, I am still happy, and I am loving my life without food/running/being perfect being the center of everything.. but sometimes I miss that on top of the world feeling.
I feel like the world is on top of ME. And the pressure is just too much sometimes.

Okay, so that's a lot to say..
There's a lot of emotion in here.. a lot of things that I haven't addressed or felt in a long time.
But I just needed to get all of this off my chest.
If you read all this, you're a hero, ha.

I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer in this post. Life is good.
It's just hard.
And I find myself being sad without even noticing it..
Connor and I were making dinner last night, and I was chopping the onion.. It made me cry.. I never cry with onions, but I figured this one was just especially potent.. But then Connor looked over at me and said that I actually look sad, like it's not just the onions that are making me cry..
And that's kinda what's been going on lately.. every opportunity I have to be sad, I take it.. I don't want to be, but I just miss my mom and I wish that her actions proved the love that she has for us..
I wish I had more than 6 months of sobriety with her.

Okay, I'll stop writing.


  1. haley,

    1. you are my hero. i don't know a single person who could have gone through everything you have and still manage to care about themselves on a deep level. you have shown so much strength this past year and i couldn't be more proud of you.

    2. you are doing phenomenal in running. running isn't/shouldn't be a comparison game. you are kicking a$$ and taking names and come regionals and SEC, i have complete faith that you will be making certain people cry and you will be ripping hearts out on the course. i train with you, and some days i think to myself, "oh gosh, not today, please i don't want to run today because haley is going to make me HURT!" that is such a good thing!

    3. i love you and am so encouraged by your positive attitude through EVERYTHING. we all have down days/weeks, but you continue to shine through those times. you are not who you were a year ago, and thank God for that. you are haley, you are bubbly, you are a highlight of my day, and i thank God for our relationship.

    haley, i feel for you and hurt for you. you have a bulldog family that is behind you 100%. we love YOU haley.

    <3 renee

  2. I really want to reach into the laptop and give you a hug after reading this post, seriously.

    As far as running goes... we all have our days... today was not my day. Tomorrow might not be either. As hard as it is, remember you are at an SEC school and even if you're the 6th person on your team, you are still doing a great job and competing against the best (I'm a USC girl so of course, partial to the SEC!).

    So sorry about everything with your mom and family. It stinks not to have the typical parents who come to your races or games or events, take you out to dinner afterwards, come to visit on parents' weekend, etc. I never had that kind of family either, and despite what you see, I don't think many people do. The pics are great and you do have people there who care about you, your family and your teammates, even if they're not perfect or a "typical" family, they're there for you <3.

    Amy Lauren

  3. what a post.. haley you are going through so so msuch right now. i cnt even imagine.. we are here for you to vent it out-- im keeping you and your mom the whole fam in my thoughts :) remember that EVERYTHING happens for a REASON

  4. I get what you are going through. I really do.

    Your mom will never be the mom you want her to be. Yes, this is a harsh thing to hear, but the sooner you realize this...the easier it will be for you to accept.

    I am in that stage where I resent my mom like crazy but I love her too. So I feel bad for resenting her for not being the mom I need her to be (she's sick with her ED and other issues). I know that, despite her ED and other issues, she did try to be a good mom and I will always love her for that.

    For running.....don't be so hard on yourself. You ARE going through ALOT. Do be gentle to yourself, please. Feed yourself. :) I am proud of you for getting through this. It is hard, and you are doing remarkably well because you get up every time you fall.


  5. Haley, I am so sorry about your mom. It must be awful to find out what has been going on later and feel so helpless. You are such a wonderful person, Haley, and the fact that you care about your mother so much is truly amazing! Your mom is so lucky to have a daughter like you :)

    In regards to not keeping in touch with your family, I only keep in touch with my family via facebook too. Sad but true but it's not as if you don't care about them! It's just that you are out living life. You can't be at your family's beck and call every second. You've got to live your life and do what you want to do. That's what comes from moving out into the big wide world - you become independent.

    And Sweetie, please don't take this out on yourself. Anorexia/overeating is not the answer. By resorting to these behaviours, you're making everything worse because you have to deal with those issues on top of everything that is happening with your family. Please don't do that to yourself. Sure anorexia made you feel on top of the world, but can you really be on top of the world when you're slowly killing yourself? You're LIVING now and that's an amazing thing. You are so much more beautiful than I've ever seen you and you are SO much stronger than you think. Just look at how far you've come!!!!

    You're amazing, Haley. You really are :)

    Love Katy

  6. Your amazing Haley.
    Like seriously, amazing.
    My Dad has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember and because of it, as I get older I'm finding we're drifting further and further apart. It does really suck and I understand what you mean about wanting to leave it behind but not wanting to let go.
    Don't worry about your running. My coach always says to me 'progression doesn't always travel in a straight line' which is so right. I don't know ANYONE that has a perfect running streak without a few dodgy times here and there ;)
    Please remember to look after yourself, your so so strong and I'd hate to see anything get in your way.
    Thank you for... Being you. You are strong and beautiful and you ARE on top of the world... It's just a little cloudy up there at the moment.
    Stay Strong <3

  7. <3
    You are so brave for opening up Haley! And YOU are a hero for staying strong (even when you dont feel strong!) through it all!

  8. SO sorry Hales about your mom! Trust me, I've been there so many times too with my alcoholic dad. I didn't believe for a LONG time that he would ever be sober forever, despite his promises every time he relapsed. But there WAS a last relapse, and he has been sober for 4 years straight now! So BELIEVE and keep the faith, k girl? I'm always here if you need, I know how hard it is <3

    And don't be worried about this year of running! We all have bad workouts and bad periods of running, but don't sweat it cos you'll be back to normal and even BETTER before you know it:)


  9. I am so sorry to hear about your mom :( I can't even begin to imagine how hard that has to be.

    You and your family are in my prayers <3


  10. I love you Haley and I am so sorry for this <3

  11. Haley,

    Given all that is going on in your family right now, it is not surprising to me at all that you're sad and want to cry. I think it would be a sign of unhealthiness if you didn't want to cry. Your mom's addiction must be so heartbreaking for you, I can't imagine going through the ups and downs that you've gone through.

    I'm sure everyone who knows about your mom's struggle has kind words of encouragement for you. I don't know you very well and don't want to over step my boundaries but, I am dealing with a similar problem with a sibling right now and I promise what is going on with your mom has nothing to do with you. Your mom has to want to be and stay sober to be sober. Just like you have to with food! You can't want sobriety enough for someone else to reach out and grab it, they are in control and all you can do is be supportive when it's healthy for you and put up boundaries to protect yourself when it's not. It's so very hard, but you deserve to be cared for and NOT walked all over by this addiction.

    I'm always here for you if you need anything, girl. You are SO strong and inspirational to me.


  12. I love you Haley! Miss your posting!!

  13. You haven't blogged in awhile... miss your blogs! I hope all is okay! Just checking in, sometimes I get worried when I don't see people for awhile. *hugs* hope all is well!

  14. I miss your blogging :( I hope all is well. Please don't forget that so many people are pulling for you and praying for you. You are strong, and your blog is very inspiring.

  15. i've been reading your words all night and you've made my heart hurt for you, in a good way. the way you talk about food and binge ED and the shame involved makes so much sense to me, but the way you battle your personal demons honestly has me rooting for you to pull through like you are my favourite character in a book or something. i dont know anyone half as brave as you, and it makes me feel stronger. you are incredible.