Friday, December 31, 2010

Confessions of a teenage.. what am I?

So I know that it's been quite some time since my last post..
I've been busy, yea.. But honestly, I've been scared to admit on the blog as well as to myself everything that has been going on with me lately.
A LOT of emotions. A LOT.
I don't really know when it all started, but it's just weird being home..
Part of me feels like I need to please everyone by eating. Another part of me feels like I'm being fake because they probably are wondering what happened to my eating disorder.. She must have been faking it, I assume they say.
Who cares, though? Why should I care whether they believe that I have or had a problem? I don't understand that.
I don't understand my relationship with food in general, though.

One minute I am restricting the number of carrots I eat and the amount of hummus I put on them, the next I am scarfing down puppy chow or pecan pie. It honeslty doesn't make sense. I've asked this of a couple of my friends lately: Why would I be restrictive when it comes to being healthy, yet not so when it's the desserts and stuff?

It's actually just the opposite. This past Friday night (Christmas eve) was really bad for me. My boyfriend Connor and I had been kinda naughty earlier in the night with our snacking and overindulging of sweets, but when I was on my way home I end up eating all of the chess squares and two of the three cookies I had on a plate to take home to my family before I even finish the 10 minute drive home.
The thing is, I wasn't even hungry. Seriously. I just wanted it. Ok, so you might say that's normal..
BUT is it normal to then go and eat a super frosted cookie, THEN the rest of the haystack treats, THEN SNEAK upstairs with the rest of the praline cookies, puppy chow, and rollo candies and eat it ALL?
Is it healthy to eat all of this to the point at which you feel like you're going to puke?
No, I'd say not.

The thing is, I knew I wasn't hungry. I knew I should have stopped. I didn't want to. I think part of me wanted to punish myself for being restrictive earlier that day. So I decided that I was going to punish myself by making myself fat? I really don't understand it, but for some reason my emotions are just tied with food. It's like as soon as I think I am defeating anorexia, binging happens. *Btw, this has been happening 2-3 times a week for the past month and half I'd say (not quite this extreme, but still..)* Binging, really?
The funny thing is, I even tried to puke it up. Since when am I bulimic? Since when have I stepped backwards? I've been doing so well. :(
I think part of my logic in stuffing my face was that it would be OK for me to do so because soon I would just be able to get it out. Fortunately or unfortunately, (I don't know which) I have never been one to have success at making myself throw up. So it all just stayed in there.

I had a workout the next morning and I felt HORRIBLE. I wanted to puke the whole time, my stomach was so full. Not only that, but Connor ran with me, and I randomly just stopped in the middle of our warmup and starting crying on his shoulder about how I hated myself for what I did the night before.
Poor guy.
He must have been so confused and upset. Here he is, on Christmas morning of all days, holding his crying psycho girlfriend in the middle the road when he probably woke up this morning thinking he would just be going for a nice run and maybe opening some presents. 
Why do I have to complicate things so much?
Why are eating disorders so selfish? I hate that.

I feel like I look so unhealthy..
Why can't I see this illness in a mirror
rather than just pictures?
Pictures like these motivate me
 to continue recovering
Anyway, I have not binged since that night. I'm proud of myself for that. At the same time, though, I have been much more restrictive throughout the morning and mid-day these past few days. I look in the mirror, and I see this fat nobody. I know I'm not fat. I talk myself into the truth more often than I convince myself that I am overweight. Yet it scares me to see all this change in my body, my face, my stomach, my thighs. What are people going to say now?
What are my teammates going to think when they see me?
Geez, someone didn't know when to say no to that sweet potato pie..
I hate the way this happened so fast. I know that I need to completely let go of my eating disorder, and I really feel that I have in so many ways. However, it still scares me that I don't have it to cling to anymore.
I used to know that no matter what was going on, I had control over the amount of calories going in me.
Stupid, right? But I don't even have that illusion to hold onto now. It's scary because I only have me.
I have myself and the consequences I must live with for my actions and the actions of others. I have to deal with issues in ways other than restricting or binging on food.
AKA- I have to grow up. I have to learn to love myself no matter what. That's a big one for me.

The past couple days I have been back and forth with myself on eating because part of me REALLY wants to lose weight before I head back to school. I want to be seen and feel as fit as I can be! Maybe fit is what I am now. That's what Connor keeps telling me, but my ED is saying that I was looking and running my best 10 pounds ago.
The other part of me wants to shoot the ED part, and tell it to back the f*** up. I HATE YOU. Leave me alone. I'm so much happier without you. I don't care that I could always count on you. That's like always being able to count on my mom relapsing when I was younger. Yea, it's a for sure thing, but is it positive? Is it something to look forward to waiting around the corner for? Don't think so.

This post was very much me just venting and blabbering on about the same old, same old. I know it's not very coherent. All the same, though, I am so glad to have gotten this off my chest. It's good for me to admit that I have a problem and that I need to focus all of my attention on fixing it.
I love my life now. I definitely didn't feel that way when i was at the worst of my eating disorder.
I want to keep laughing, loving, living.
I want to beat ED.

P.S. New Year's Resolution: Post a blog every day. Yup. A lot of Haley! Hopefully you won't tire of me. If you even read half of this, I commend you, ha. 
Goodnight blog, I love your therapeutic remedies.

This is real happiness.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Business or pleasure?

Something that has been very frustrating to me lately is the fact that I am both an SEC college Division 1 runner as well as a recovering anorexic. These two things don't necessarily go hand in hand in terms of recovery. I've been reading lots of other's blogs on beating ED, and it seems that many are weary of exercising in fear that it is the eating disorder that craves it. Sometimes I feel this way, too.
Ok, do NOT get me wrong. I love running. And I'm good at it. I've been doing it since 6th grade, and I do not want to stop now. It's addicting, and I feel like it's healthy for me. It's what I do.
However, sometimes my winter training schedule may say 6 miles in the morning and 4 miles in the afternoon. Like today. Usually I'm fine with this. But today I feel like it's my eating disorder that wants to run and not ME. It wants to burn the calories, to lose the weight.

So, do I do it?
If I do, part of me feels like I'm giving in to these demon monster.
If I don't, how am I going to get any better at running? And why would I give up something I love just because my ED is trying to get in the way?

Grr.. it's like, as soon as I find myself getting better, ED comes and bites me in the butt.
Well guess what? I'm not listening. I hate you anorexia. I HATE you.
Feels good to get that off my chest..

Anywayyy, last night my boyfriend Connor and I watched Food, Inc., the documentary exposing the food industry for what it really is: disgusting and evil.
Even though I pretty much already knew everything discussed, watching stuff like this makes me want to be a vegetarian even more. I've been really interested in it since sophomore year of high school when I first became informed of all the unsanitary things that go on with our food, especially the meat industry.
I already tend to stay away from pork and beef. But chicken is one of my main sources of protein, along with turkey or ham on my sandwiches.
If I could, I would totally love getting rid of meat in my diet. If I wasn't a runner, definitely. If I wasn't a recovering anorexic, even moreso!
But it's hard to get the right amount of nutrients my body needs without being a meat eater. I know many people do it, but it does take a good bit more time, money, and adjustments made in order to meet this new diet. I don't know if I can do it quite yet while remaining healthy.

If I was to be a vegetarian though, I would still eat fish. I haven't seen or heard too much on the cruelty and unsanitary conditions in which fish are captured, killed, and cleaned. Then again, I haven't looked too much.

Ok so yea, this is a random post. Now it's game time to decide whether or not to run. Whether or not to eat meat. Whether to give into anorexia or conquer it.
Wish me luck.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Good to be home!

Ok so I got home from college last night, and I am loving it so far! I got to see a few of my friends, and it's just great to see the lights and decorations put up for the Christmas holidays.
However, being home slightly scares me. Over Thanksgiving I was extremely lax about food. I didn't worry about calories or how something was made. It was awesome. Yet I did binge at times. I wouldn't be hungry, but I'd eat anyway.
Then yesterday I did the opposite. I came home, and since I was so restrictive at the beginning of the day I only ended up with around 1800 calories, 700-800 less than I'm supposed to be eating to maintain my weight. That may seem like a lot, but it's not considering how many I am burning with my running/existing at the moment, ha. And I could tell that I didn't have much in my system even on my run this morning. Another reason that I sorta gave in to my ED yesterday is probably because Thursday night (two nights ago, the night before I left for home) I binged AGAIN. I had been so proud of myself for this week, too. And then yesterday I ran from my apartment and finished the whole perimeter of South Farm to make up for this lapse, a total of 67 minutes of pretty fast paced running, when my schedule only said to do 42-45 minutes at a relaxed pace. It was more like a tempo. So I felt a bit weak this morning on my actual 8 mile tempo that was posted on my winter training schedule..

Anyway, at the end of the day, I don't know why I binge or why I restrict. It seems really hard for me to find a balance, and I hate that. I just want to be normal.
Also, I don't know why I continue to give in to ED on some days. Overall, yes, I have gotten so much better. Yet that voice still haunts me from time to time. Haley, you're gonna get fat. You're going to get slow. You're going to be ugly, and you won't have any control over your life.
Really? Really? Am I psycho? Obviously these things are not going to happen. Why I listen to it on these rare ocassions is beyond me. Maybe because I miss having that stability to hold onto. No matter what I knew that I could control something with the amount of food that went into my mouth.

When I look back on these bad days, I notice that I'm not near as happy as my normal days. I'm more irritable, tired, and I just feel different. I am not necessarily hungry, but I can tell that my body wishes I would give it something of more substance than just a 6 inch sub and a small salad for dinner. It needs carbs. Ughh.. Defeating ED is much harder than I thought it would be.

When all is said and done, though, I'm going to look back at this and be like, yea! I kicked my eating disorder's ass! I can't wait for that day. I still feel like I'm kicking butt some days, but if I'm not constantly focusing on telling that devil voice to shut up, then I find myself right back where I started.

Good news: Today is a new day. It's going to be a GOOD day. And I only have to maintain weight now! *My nutritionist told me Thursday that since I've reached my goal weight and stayed there a couple weeks, I only have to maintain this weight now* Yayy me! Let's keep it up.

If you've read all this, wow. Good job. It doesn't seem like it would be too interesting with all of my ramblings. I hope you got something out of it.
Always with love,

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Third time's a charm.

I wrote two posts earlier tonight before erasing each of them.
So now I'm just going to say a few words and hopefully I'll be brave enough to post it.

Lately my ED has been coming back to haunt me.

I find myself jealous of a friend of mine in the worst stages of an eating disorder. This is sick, I know. I don't know why this is.. In my other posts I tried to analyze it, but I couldn't ever come up with a clear-cut explanation. So I'm just going to put my feelings out there and hope that soon I'll understand.

Also many times at night I will have to eat 800-1000 calories after dinner in order to meet my 3000 calorie goal for the day. I do it because I want to get better, because I have been feeling so much happier as I have overcome this stupid disease. But sometimes I start the eating, and I can't stop. I seriously can't. I'm not even hungry anymore, but I just keep eating. At times I feel like I'm about to puke but I eat and eat until it's gone. I tell my nutritionist, my friends, my boyfriend this.. They all think I'm exaggerating. I'm not. It's disgusting. I'll eat 1500 calories in an hour. I want it to stop.

Why am I either restrictive or excessive? Why am I such a perfectionist? Why am I so hard on myself.. like I am being right now..
I'm frustrated and tired of battling this. I want to feel normal every day of my life. Not half the time, not during the daytime, not on weekends. Every day.
I can do it. I know I can. But sometimes it seems easier to slip back into that old frame of mind. However, I've just got to keep reminding myself that I wasn't happy then. It was a false sense of happiness from being able to control what went into my mouth. But is it fun having some anorexic bitch walking around masquerading as Haley? No, I'd say not. Many things were ruined this summer. I don't want these demons to come back.
I'll fight.
I'll eat.
I'll discuss.
I'll write.
Until the voices are completely gone. Until I am finally happy being me. All day, every day.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Reason to be annoyed?

Well today started off pretty well. I did great on my British lit final and then I spent the rest of the afternoon studying for Trig. I aced that final at 7, and then went by the Union to rent The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I'm excited to watch that tomorrow since I really enjoyed reading the book this summer.  I also planned on spending the night with my boyfriend at my apartment, either watching Friends or another movie. I was hoping we'd get a chance to talk some tonight, as well. But when he came over, we ended up hanging out with my roommates Anna and Sarah downstairs. It was fun, but once they left Connor just stayed on facebook.. I guess this kind of upset me because I wanted some attention. It's not like he was ignoring me or anything, but I just enjoy having one on one conversations with the guy I love without cell phones, the internet, and tv distracting us.
Anyway, I continued to ask him whether he wanted to watch Friends or watch Enchanted or the new movie I rented and I didn't really ever get an answer.. So we went upstairs and I put on Friends. Of course Connor says he's in a bad mood because of his back hurting and he can't run and he's eating peanut butter.. I know that it is frustrating to have an injury. I've been there, a lot this season. But I don't feel like it should affect your whole mood or outlook on life. I feel like his major focus is running, and he's also very particular about his diet. He's gotten better with the eating thing recently, yes, but he still puts much more emphasis on staying skinny and "getting a six-pack" than any of the other guys on the team. 
This wouldn't be so much of a problem if it weren't for the fact that this is the kind of attitude I'm trying to steer clear of. This whole summer and most of the semester I made running and eating my priorities. They were all that I thought about. Now that cross country is over, I feel like I have improved even more than before. Eating is whatever; sometimes I have bad days, sometimes I have great ones. But I've made major strides in terms of living life outside of running. I feel like if I was to get injured today, I would be fine.. Of course it would suck, yes, but my life wouldn't end. On the other hand, if I were to get injured this past fall, I would have wanted to shoot myself. Running was my everything. Now I realize there's so many more important things. I mean, I obviously knew this before, too; but my actions and overall demeanor proved otherwise. 
So now we're in bed. He told me he would fall asleep within a few minutes after he gets off the computer and finishes playing Snake. This, he does. So my boyfriend that I love so very much is sleeping next to me, yet I have all of this frustration and even anger building towards him lately.. Why? Because I guess I don't want to get sucked back in. It's hard to have someone that is so skinny say that they're fat when they're obviously not. It's hard to hear someone say that he stuffed himself today when you know that you've had at least 500 calories more than him. It's hard to listen to someone obsess over running like it's a life or death thing. And it's especially hard when I'm trying to recover from compulsive exercising anorexia. It's not his fault. I really shouldn't feel this way right now. He just loves running, and he wants to be good this year. I'm so proud of him for everything that he's accomplished, too. But I'm wondering where the line is drawn between love for a sport and obsession. 
Anyway, I feel like this blog helped. I realize now that some of this anger should be directed at my own problems rather than at my boyfriend who loves me. I'm not going to lie that I probably will get annoyed the next time he mentions being fat or being behind everyone else on winter training, again. However, hopefully I will handle it in a much more productive way.
Goodnight blog,

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Blog Therapy

Hello world!
      So Conrad started one of these bad boys not too long ago, and I got inspired to make my own. I've had a blog in the past, but I rarely wrote on it. I deleted it this morning, I guess because it was no longer being used along with it's bringing up of some bad memories.. Anyway, I'm going to begin today's post with practice this morning! 90 minutes of sub 7 minute paced running. Gotta love it. The other girls started complaining about 30 minutes in that we were going too fast, especially since when the guys were passing us, they pretty much kept the same distance afterwards. I, however, felt amazing. I want to sweat on these days; I want to hurt. I want to get out all of my frustrations and whatever else has been on my mind that week in this toxic-cleansing experience I call a long run every week. 
      So we dropped Katie and Kalli, then Anna, Lo, Eileen, and I ran the next 40 minutes together until Eileen and Lo had to stop at Barnes & Noble to use the restroom. Anna and I then went downtown, and it was really nice. We used to be best friends, but this past year our relationship has been the exact opposite of that. Feeling as if she hated me this whole semester, I've often been frustrated and confused as to why there is this tension between the two of us. However, the last couple weeks she's been so much nicer towards me. I mentioned that yesterday on the run when it was just her and I at the end and asked if it had anything to do with her just breaking up with her boyfriend. She said not really, just that it has become easier to be around me. Part of me wants to take that offensively because I honestly don't see how it was so hard to be around me before, yet I also know that this is a good thing. It means I'm getting better.
      I'm conquering this stupid disease that I've been dealing with for the past 8 months. Anorexia. I no longer dream about food. I no longer freak out if I don't know how something is made or with what ingredients. And if I DO know that it's made with tons of butter and sugar.. sure! Why not? You only live once. I burn a bajillion calories a day, and sometimes I eat this stuff just to prove the anorexic part of my brain wrong. No, you will not get fat and run a 24 minute 5k if you eat this piece of pie. I love that other people are also seeing this change in me. I'm loving life so much more than I have in a long time, and it feels great. 
     Along with that, I'm seeing a therapist. I actually have an appointment with Dr. Tatum today. She wants me to make a timeline of my life so that we can see where my disordered eating really started and why. Also, it's a control thing for me. My perfectionist personality makes it easy to drop into the pitfalls of calorie counting and restriction. So I guess we'll try to fix those things? I don't really know. But she said we can't expect things to happen overnight. Therapy is a long process, just like recovery (something I am aware of). I think part of the reason I have yet to make this timeline is because I'm scared of talking about some of the things I've experienced. It makes them true. Sometimes I just push these memories into the back of my mind and try to forget that it ever happened. I put on a smile, and everyone sees the Happy go lucky Haley. It's not like I'm putting on an act. I really do NOT consider myself fake by any means. It's just that I'd rather look at the good in life. If I constantly worried over everything I've been through I would have killed myself by now. Maybe not, maybe so.. Either way, I would not be the same person I am today. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or act strangely towards me, either. All of these reasons plus the fact that the memories are painful are what keep them from coming up very often.
     Wow this blog post is very long! I was only going to start the blog with the simple, "Hi. I'm Haley. This is my first blog," kinda thing. But I guess I had a lot to say. I feel like I got many things off my chest. Always a good thing. Anyway, it's good that I'm realizing the length of this post now because I need to stop to eat lunch anyway. And then start the timeline. Yes, I think I'm going to do it. I know it will help Dr. Tatum understand, therefore helping her help ME. Also, I have some British lit and Trig butt that I need to kick! Until tomorrow,