I wrote two posts earlier tonight before erasing each of them.
So now I'm just going to say a few words and hopefully I'll be brave enough to post it.
Lately my ED has been coming back to haunt me.
I find myself jealous of a friend of mine in the worst stages of an eating disorder. This is sick, I know. I don't know why this is.. In my other posts I tried to analyze it, but I couldn't ever come up with a clear-cut explanation. So I'm just going to put my feelings out there and hope that soon I'll understand.
Also many times at night I will have to eat 800-1000 calories after dinner in order to meet my 3000 calorie goal for the day. I do it because I want to get better, because I have been feeling so much happier as I have overcome this stupid disease. But sometimes I start the eating, and I can't stop. I seriously can't. I'm not even hungry anymore, but I just keep eating. At times I feel like I'm about to puke but I eat and eat until it's gone. I tell my nutritionist, my friends, my boyfriend this.. They all think I'm exaggerating. I'm not. It's disgusting. I'll eat 1500 calories in an hour. I want it to stop.
Why am I either restrictive or excessive? Why am I such a perfectionist? Why am I so hard on myself.. like I am being right now..
I'm frustrated and tired of battling this. I want to feel normal every day of my life. Not half the time, not during the daytime, not on weekends. Every day.
I can do it. I know I can. But sometimes it seems easier to slip back into that old frame of mind. However, I've just got to keep reminding myself that I wasn't happy then. It was a false sense of happiness from being able to control what went into my mouth. But is it fun having some anorexic bitch walking around masquerading as Haley? No, I'd say not. Many things were ruined this summer. I don't want these demons to come back.
Until the voices are completely gone. Until I am finally happy being me. All day, every day.