Anyway, I continued to ask him whether he wanted to watch Friends or watch Enchanted or the new movie I rented and I didn't really ever get an answer.. So we went upstairs and I put on Friends. Of course Connor says he's in a bad mood because of his back hurting and he can't run and he's eating peanut butter.. I know that it is frustrating to have an injury. I've been there, a lot this season. But I don't feel like it should affect your whole mood or outlook on life. I feel like his major focus is running, and he's also very particular about his diet. He's gotten better with the eating thing recently, yes, but he still puts much more emphasis on staying skinny and "getting a six-pack" than any of the other guys on the team.
This wouldn't be so much of a problem if it weren't for the fact that this is the kind of attitude I'm trying to steer clear of. This whole summer and most of the semester I made running and eating my priorities. They were all that I thought about. Now that cross country is over, I feel like I have improved even more than before. Eating is whatever; sometimes I have bad days, sometimes I have great ones. But I've made major strides in terms of living life outside of running. I feel like if I was to get injured today, I would be fine.. Of course it would suck, yes, but my life wouldn't end. On the other hand, if I were to get injured this past fall, I would have wanted to shoot myself. Running was my everything. Now I realize there's so many more important things. I mean, I obviously knew this before, too; but my actions and overall demeanor proved otherwise.
So now we're in bed. He told me he would fall asleep within a few minutes after he gets off the computer and finishes playing Snake. This, he does. So my boyfriend that I love so very much is sleeping next to me, yet I have all of this frustration and even anger building towards him lately.. Why? Because I guess I don't want to get sucked back in. It's hard to have someone that is so skinny say that they're fat when they're obviously not. It's hard to hear someone say that he stuffed himself today when you know that you've had at least 500 calories more than him. It's hard to listen to someone obsess over running like it's a life or death thing. And it's especially hard when I'm trying to recover from compulsive exercising anorexia. It's not his fault. I really shouldn't feel this way right now. He just loves running, and he wants to be good this year. I'm so proud of him for everything that he's accomplished, too. But I'm wondering where the line is drawn between love for a sport and obsession.
Anyway, I feel like this blog helped. I realize now that some of this anger should be directed at my own problems rather than at my boyfriend who loves me. I'm not going to lie that I probably will get annoyed the next time he mentions being fat or being behind everyone else on winter training, again. However, hopefully I will handle it in a much more productive way.