Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Again and again..

My mom relapsed.
For the first time since last July.
When she took that drink last June my world fell apart.
I started taking control of the situation by not eating, by over-exercising, by ostracizing myself from everyone else..
I pray that this time will be different.
I've got to be strong.

But it hurts so bad to hear her crying to me telling me that this is the last time. She'll go to treatment. She'll get better.
She tells me she's at home, yet I hear rap music playing in the background.
I know she's probably drunk and high. And there's nothing I can do about it.
As soon as I think that things are going good, something like this happens. :( Just hurts so bad.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Going to Nationals!

Okay, so I made it.
I'm going to the National meet in Des Moines, Iowa June 9th or so..
But man, was it one crazy race to get there!!

The whole day was spent mentally preparing for the race. I knew I would have to get in the top 12 and stay there, so that's just what I did.
When the gun went off, I jumped in the pack and stayed around 10th place.
The first couple laps were a bit fast, and by the time we got to the mile mark around 5:19 pace, the pace slowed down tremendously.
I guess the girls didn't want to wear themselves out too fast..
Anyway, the race went on going much slower than I expected, and we just kept trucking on at like 5:30 something pace per mile. (Too slow!!)

I moved into third by mile 4 (It's a 6.2 mile race, btw), and I stayed there until we had 1000 or so meters  (less than a mile) to go.
I knew that I wasn't in a good spot, though. I don't have much of a kick, and I knew it would come down to a foot race. I was just too scared to take the lead :/
So the last lap and a half I see a whirlwind of girls pass me.
I'm trying so hard to sprint as fast as them, but my legs just don't have what it takes.
I split my last lap at a 75, and my last mile was sub 5:15. Still, though, it couldn't hold off the others.

I'm bending over at the end trying to count the girls ahead of me. Top 12 go to the final round of Nationals. I count 10 girls. That means I'm #11. Okay, that's okay. I'm gonna go.
My trainer and I look up at the scoreboard and nervously await as my name moves farther and farther down on the list..
Eventually it pops up with my place and time. #13 Haley Greenwell 33:52.87.. (Not exactly sure on the milliseconds, but I do know that I was .17 away from 12th place).

"Noooo!", I cry. "I've worked so hard.. I worked so hard.."
I proceed to go up to the tent to change out of my spikes while having a little pity party..
5-7 minutes later!!! my coach & trainer come over to me and tell me that they think the scoreboard was wrong. They think I got 11th. They must have counted two lapped runners.
So this is crazy. We spend the next few minutes trying to get everything straightened out, and it turns out that I actually was 11th.

Things I learned from this: Now I know that I can't leave it down to the last few laps. I have to make it hard in the middle. If I have to lead, then so be it. But I'm going to make Nationals an honest race.
Also, the funny thing is that my life wasn't over even though I didn't make it. Yes, I was really disappointed, but I actually thought back to what I had blogged that day about being happy with my best. And hey, that was my best. I set a new personal and school record. I ran with heart. That's all I can do. Even if I hadn't made this final round, I would have found happiness within myself.

Ahh it is so awesome to be able to settle for accept your best and not expect perfection. Seriously.
This post is all frazzled because I wrote it so speedily cuz I gotta go to the track meet to cheer on teammates now, but I just wanted yall to know how I did.

I never would have made it this far if I was as miserable/sick as I was this past summer/early fall with ED. I wouldn't have been strong enough, mentally or physically. To know that I can accomplish all that I have lets me know that I never need to return to anorexia as a means of coping with my life again. I can do anything I set my mind to, all with God's help, and yours. Thank you all for being so encouraging and supportive. I love you so much.

<3 Haley

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Going into my (hopefully not) last race with a new sense of self :)

Six hours from now I will be in the middle of possibly my last 10k race of the season. I'm here in Indiana for the first round of Nationals!
I'm ranked 8th out of the 48 girls that are racing tonight. But that doesn't really mean anything. The top 12 will go on to the final round of nationals where we'll meet the top 12 from the East. I sooooo want to be one of those 24 girls racing at the final round of Nationals in Iowa on June 9th!
I was excited before, but I have been doubting myself.
Am I fit enough?
Do I have what it takes? Am I tough enough? I know that these girls are also in phenomenal shape. This is not going to be an easy race. And last race I thought way too much about the pain. Am I going to give in?

My perspective drastically changed overnight. I now feel confident and ready. So, you may be asking what changed my thinking..?

Tuesday I was just hanging around at the hotel here, facebook stalking (shocker), and one of my facebook friends, let's call her B, had a status of a bible verse. Matthew 6:25- "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?"
Now, I don't really know this girl, but I had heard from my best friend and a few other people that she has dealt/is dealing with an eating disorder. I commented saying, "I really like this verse :)"
Next thing I know, I'm getting a facebook message from B asking if I wouldn't mind talking to her about ED cuz she heard from my best friend that I have dealt/am dealing with recovery. Of course I am overjoyed. I love talking to others about ED, especially when I feel that I can help make a difference in their lives somehow.
So we exchanged numbers and tried to get in touch that night, but it didn't work out cuz we were both busy.
The next night (last night) we finally got the opportunity to skype!

Quite frankly, I was surprised to hear her story. Eating disorder since 13. Wow. I can't even imagine.
I used to envision this girl as perfect. B was the one that sang at the school pep rally. She was on the cheer and dance team. She has money. She is also drop dead gorgeous, guys. Seriously. To think that she thinks she is too fat, ugly, stupid, etc.. is totally beyond me; it's crazy!

Anyway, I'm not going to go too in-depth about our conversation. We talked for an hour and a half. The time just flew by. We discussed distorted body image, the loneliness yet sense of accomplishment ED gives you, being scared of "normal, healthy" weight ranges, etc..
B told me that my best friend told her about me in September. She felt the need to talk to me then, but she was afraid I wouldn't want to. B had it in her head that I see her as a b**** like so many others have told her they thought of her before they really got to know her.
I told her that of course I didn't think that. I just assumed that her life was close to perfect, ya know? That she had it easy.. Little did I know that she was dealing with just as much, if not more, than I was during middle school, high school, etc..

Something that really stood out in our conversation was the topic of finding out who we are beyond our eating disorders. This can be a scary thing! She asked, "But what if I'm horrible?" I responded, "B, you aren't!" From the hour and a half I spent talking with her I could see that she is beautiful (inside AND out), genuine, caring, and self-aware. Hiding behind her ED is only masking all of these wonderful qualities.
I told her about my blog, and she has read a few posts. I used all of my readers and the blogs that I read as examples of post-recovery happiness. I told her that everyone that I have met (whether in real life or in the blogging community) that has overcome ED has come to find a love within herself like never before. The recovered woman is SO much happier than she was with ED.

I think the fact that she approached me at this time is all God's doing. Sure, I would've been able to tell B in September that food is fuel. I would've been able to say that she needs to eat more than some blueberries and a couple pieces of shrimp for dinner. But the fact that I am in such a better place now and can actually use my own experience to back up my words makes what I'm saying valid and worth so much more.
I couldn't keep new hair pictures from you any longer ;) I LOVE it!!
Not to brag or anything, but I feel like a completely different person than I was three, five, ten months ago. Yes, I still struggle with body image at times. I have binged *so rare now, though! :). I have restricted, as well (most of the time kinda subconsciously, though).  However, I am farther in my recovery than I have ever been.
I tried to use my own experience to help B, and I felt blessed and honored that I had the opportunity to do so.

As for me, I had a doctor appointment this past Tuesday. I was weighed at 119 pounds. 4 pounds more than my last visit in late February!
At first it was like, ahh! See what bingeing/not restricting has done! You're out of control.
But instead of listening to this stupid devil ED voice, I decided to take pride in this weight gain. Why shouldn't I be happy with weight gain the way I used to be with weight loss? I worked just as hard, if not harder, to gain the weight than I did to lose it!
Another hair shot ;) This is a random pic I sent to Connor to exhibit my super fast drinking skills. I made this drink mix in my Vitamin Zero bottle literally less than 60 seconds before the photo was taken. Ha, I have a problem ;)
And so I am going into this race knowing I have conquered so much already. I can now use my own experiences to help others. Don't get me wrong, I have a long way to go. But I am finally finding myself and learning to accept myself and love myself for who I am, flaws and all, and that has been the best part of my recovery, by far.
Creepy/excited face for the 10k tonight!!
I have the training behind me. I have the determination. Not to mention, I have the best fans ever!! You guys, my family, my friends, teammates, and coaches. If this is my last race, then so be it. But I will run with my heart tonight. And if I do that I doubt that I'm done for the season.

I'm so ready for those long, grueling 25 laps because I know that by the end it will be worth it, just like recovery from ED. I can't wait.
True happiness :)
I love you ALL so very much! Sweet comments are always appreciated. ;)
P.s. Sorry that I have not blogged or commented lately. I was out of town last weekend, and earlier this week didn't have internet cuz it was out at my apartment :/.

Make sure to keep B in your prayers. And maybe leave her a little inspiration in a comment about how great life is post-ED :) I'm sure she'll be reading.

<3 Haley

Thursday, May 19, 2011

It's okay to be happy with yourself. :)

Oftentimes I find it hard to feel pride in my accomplishments. I fear that others will look at me as haughty or egotistical. And so I go to the whole other extreme; I set extremely high standards for myself, and if I don't meet this standards I am a failure.
This is definitely not healthy, and it often leads to things like restricting or bingeing.
Like I said in my last post, I usually have two sides of me arguing over whether I am worthy, good enough, fast enough, etc.. Considering that I am pretty good at debating, I find it difficult to stick with one side and listen to it. I often go back and forth.
But I'm honestly so tired of holding myself up to these super high, unrealistic expectations. It's exhausting. When I don't meet them I honestly feel like s***, and it doesn't allow for me to find any sort of contentment or happiness within myself.
This isn't real cuteness, (not on the right anyway), but this is REAL happiness. :)
For example, I got seventh place in the 5k at the SEC Championships. No, I didn't set a new personal record. No, I didn't score as many points for the team as I was hoping. Yes, a freshman beat me.
But hey, I ran a 10k as hard as my legs would allow less than 48 hours before this race. My legs were tired. I gave it all I had, and that's all I can do.
I had a therapist appointment with Dr. Tatem this afternoon. I told her how I cried after the 5k, and she says that she noticed that I almost looked guilty for admitting that. And it's true. I did feel guilty. I'm not supposed to cry. "And just why not?" she asks.
"I was taught from a young age that I just shouldn't cry.. It shows weakness and selfishness. Plus I didn't have the right to cry. There were many people on my team that didn't even get the chance to race in the finals of their event."
She proceeds to tell me that once again I am worried about what others are thinking.. I need to stop worrying about others and try to focus on my own needs. Did I need to cry at that moment? Maybe I was being a bit of a baby, yea, but if I wanted to cry I should allow myself to cry.
I don't know if that came across the way that I wanted it to, but the point is that I need to allow myself to experience emotions, even if I think I'm undeserving of them.

This includes pride.
I have come so far in my recovery from anorexia. I have come so far in discovering who I am and who I want to be, who I am becoming!
Whoever got the idea in our heads that we are unworthy of food, love, friendship, family, etc.. should be shot. Because we are SO worthy of all of these things and more.
I know my last post touched on this, as well, but full recovery doesn't happen until you accept yourself. I am finally learning to be happy with myself, all of myself.
I am a perfectionist.
I am stubborn.
I am diligent.
These things can be seen as both positive and negative attributes. But for now I am only going to focus on the positive.

I love the Haley that I am now and am becoming so much more than what I used to be with ED.
I am outgoing. I am loquacious (love that word :)). I am weird.
But I'm no longer someone who writes calorie counts for the day on my tip money.. I have better things to do.

My coach had a successful surgery today. *Thank you to all who prayed for him*. Things like this force you to realize how trivial little worries like food and what place/time you ran at the last meet are in the grand scheme of things.

I feel like I'm a new person. And I know it sounds silly, but that's why this haircut tomorrow means so much to me. *I posted a picture on my previous post for all that haven't seen it yet.* I just want to start over. I want to savor life and everything is has to offer.

For now I'm going out to dinner at a Greek place with my friends/teammates Renee & Morgan.
Pita chips & hummus, watch out. You may not be the healthiest thing, but I don't care one bit. I'm hungry, and you're one of my fave food combos. :)

<3 Haley

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Harry Potter > ED thoughts :)

I'm glad that you all liked my last post comparing recovery to a long distance race. Both are tough. Both make you want to die, :P. But in the end it's so worth it :)

I finished SEC's this past weekend, and now I only have nationals to look forward to! First round of the 10k is next Thursday. I'm currently #9 in the East region, and the top 12 out of the 48 that race in the East will go to finals. Coach thinks I have a good shot at making it. I mean, obviously I'm in the top 12 so chances are not too bad, but still.. It's gonna be a super tight race. The #12 time is only around 6 seconds behind me. I've just gotta get out there and race with guts. I can't wait to get on that track and run as hard as I can for 6.2 miles. I've put in the training. I work so hard, and today it just hit me how much I want this.
I'm sorry to say that yes I have binged recently. Last night I was upset with myself thinking over my 5k, *Ok, I know I shouldn't be. I finished 7th in the conference, but I just expected better of myself*, I felt lonely (practically no one is in Starkville), and I don't know.. I guess food was my way of finding comfort. Again, I hadn't eaten enough throughout the day. Hello, Haley! You need to fuel your body so that it doesn't craaave food at 10 P.M.! That's no excuse, though, really.. Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling horrible. Shocker.
I went on my run, though, and as I listened to my inspirational playlist I realized that I cannot move on without forgiveness. So I decided that by the end of the run I was going to let it go. Today is a new day.

It's just really hard because I look in the mirror the day after a binge, like today, and I see such a fat, disgusting girl. I do not see the athletic, beautiful girl I see (or try to see) every other day. 
And I know that these binges are seriously not helping my running. That's a major concern of mine. I beat myself up over the fact that I'm gonna get fat and slow. I didn't PR this past weekend. Is it because I might weigh 2 pounds more than I did the last time I ran a 10k? I say "might" because I don't actually know my weight at the moment. Since I don't meet with Kelly anymore, I don't get weighed.. I'm finding that it's actually a good thing for me to not know the number. I know that I would only obsess over it and try to get it as low as possible, as quickly as possible. Anyway, I ask myself questions like this all the time. 
Me & Renee <3 
So you see there's two sides to this. Part of me wants to restrict and lose the weight that I have gained.
Part of me is fine with not being exactly 115 pounds, but at the same time I wonder if now I weigh too much..? 
My legs are big. My stomach is big. My face is fat.
Your legs are normal looking. No, you don't have a six pack, but you also don't look like a skeleton anymore. Your face isn't gaunt like it used to be. These are all good things.

The good news is that at the moment I am listening to the green words ^. I know that restricting won't do any good, neither will bingeing. I'm still working on that balance.
One of my delish sandwiches :) It may look gross, but it's sooo good. I love veggies!
Days that I don't worry about food I don't binge. Yesterday I was freaking out about what I would eat for lunch, what my snack would be, whether I should eat that extra apple or just wait until dinner. How stupid. I ended up eating tons of Annie's cookies (my fave, btw), 2 yogurts, granola, pretzels, cereal, peanut butter, cashew butter, almond butter, coconut butter, etc.. I just laughed out loud at all of my butters. :) Wow, I am a dork. But I love them. Seriously, my fave food is nut butter. *Don't worry, sweet potatoes, you're a close second. :)
Asian chicken crepe with ginger dressing from a Crepe bar in Athens, GA
Would you believe that this past weekend at SEC's I ate nut butter every day!? I had squeeze packets that I won in a giveaway by Logan, and I used them on my english muffins and on bananas! It was a big deal for me cuz bananas have always been a fear food. And guess what? Did I worry over food this past weekend? No. I didn't restrict. I didn't binge. I was normal. It was wonderful.
Giveaway goodies from Logan. Justin's=delish. And I usually don't like licorice, but this strawberry kind is really good!
Because of strides like this I know that I am making progress in my recovery. The fact that I am allowing myself to be forgiven is also another sign that I am gonna beat this thing! Cuz I mean I won't binge or restrict if I am happy with myself. That's not how it works.

So at the end of the day, I am happy. I am currently watching the Harry Potter marathon my teammates Renee (check out her blog, btw) and Morgan have put on. And I am happy, not thinking about food or weight or how my running is going to suck now that I weigh >120. I am thinking about how I love Ron, and I am not looking forward to this next movie cuz the 6th one really sucks. :) I'm also thinking about all of the progress I've made. I can't wait to keep going. I can't wait til nationals. I can't wait for my life without ED. I can't wait til Harry Potter 7, part 2. I can't wait to kiss Conrad again. I can't wait to cut my hair. I can't wait to see my family again (never thought I'd say that). 
This is what I want. I'm getting it cut Friday or Saturday!! You like?

Life is too good to have such a trivial thing like food keep you in a state of misery and self-loathing.
I for one am tired of it.

P.s. If you could keep my coach (Schmidt) in your prayers I would really appreciate it. He went into cardiac arrest twice at the meet this weekend, and he's having triple bypass open heart surgery on Thursday. I know he can make it. He is one tough, stubborn, wonderful man.
Me and Coach after my 5k at Penn. If it's any excuse for my nastiness, I just PR'd!? :) ha
Okay, so blogger is being dumb. The only reason I am able to post this is cuz I am using Morgan's laptop. For some reason blogger is rejecting my computer. Fun stuff. :( But I will go back and post some pictures as soon as it is working. I have some good eats to show you! Plus a cute pic of me and Conrad & a pic of me and Coach. Most importantly, I need your opinion on the haircut I want!! 

**Just updated with pictures!!** Sorry for the delay!

I hope you all are having a wonderful week.
So much love,
<3 Haley :)

Friday, May 13, 2011

ED vs. 10k

I raced the 10k tonight at the SEC Championships. It was not a personal best time (34:16), but it was by far the hardest race of my life. I finished third. Everyone is so proud of me, and I guess I can't be upset with myself. I raced and ran with all that I had.
I'm in the white top, maroon shorts in fourth place in this picture. This looks like it was taken around the first couple laps cuz everyone is still together. *I love that my teammates are picture crazy!* ;)
I just want to do a quick post before bed to say that I finally feel that I am discovering who I am and who I want to be. I am loving life, and the fact that food isn't the center of my world is such an awesome thing. I would never have known that I'd feel comfortable in this 120-ish? pound body.
But if this is what recovery weighs, looks like, whatever, then fine. I want it. I'd much rather have a life and friends and a family than be super skinny, worrying over fat content and how many calories I'm burning, etc.. for the rest of my life.
Running that race tonight was super hard, yes. At so many points I just wanted to stop, to walk off the track. My head was spinning, my legs were burning, and I felt like I was about to roll over and die, ha. :P Like recovery, it's a freakin looooong race to the finish line, *25 laps in this case :P*. In terms of ED, I'm not quite at the finish line yet. But I do know that I am closer now than I've ever been, and I'm going to give it all I have to make it there because I know what it's like to feel that pride and love for yourself over all that you've accomplished once you do take finish those final steps. No, it's not egotistical. It is well deserved. I tend to be too hard on myself, and this doesn't help my recovery in the least bit. Now, though, I am finally starting to acknowledge all that I have done so far, and it makes me that much more excited to see what the future has in store for me. Finishing a 10k, and even tougher, conquering an eating disorder, are tough things to overcome. If I can do these things, I can do anything.
Finally took a picture with Conrad today. He's my rock, my love, my everything. <3
I'll post again soon to catch you up with my life. I've tried to post the past couple days, but blogger's been dumb. Tomorrow is rest day for me, so that will be nice to watch my teammates run a few races. I race the 5k Sunday afternoon. I hope to have the same fight in me in that race that I did tonight. I know that I can do it.

Thank you to all of you who have supported me by commenting or reading or praying.. I seriously have a spot in my heart for each and every one of you. I know I always say it, but words cannot express how tremendously encouraging and inspirational you all have been to me these past six months.
I send so much love, soso much love, to all of you.
<3 Haley

P.s. If this is choppy and has tons of grammatical errors, I'm sorry.. I'm pretty tired from the race and just feel like passing out, but even more than that I felt like expressing my love and happiness with all of you :)
Goodnight. <3

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Forgiving myself is proving to be the hardest thing I've ever done.

If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price ~unknown

I am not a has-been.  I am a will be. ~Lauren Bacall

If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. ~Vincent Van Gogh

It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves. ~Edmund Hillary

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

These are some quotes I was looking up about self-confidence. It's really something I've been lacking lately. I also found some great scripture that deals with self image and respecting one's body:

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 ~ Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
1 Samuel 16:7
But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
Matthew 6:25
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
All great things to remember..
Even if you are not religious, it's so true that a life wasted worrying over food and drink is just that- a life wasted. And since when did appearance become a priority in our lives? I don't want to be on my death bed remembering all of the moments I missed out with friends or family because I was worried over what they were going to eat at that particular gathering. I want to remember the love and laughter. It won't matter if my weight was 115 or 120. It will only matter that I was happy with myself and developing strong relationships with others and most importantly God. 
I cannot even begin to explain the epiphany I reached today when I was thinking over my disordered eating habits and how they affect me..
It seems so stupid that I go through this cycle so often, yet it's so hard to implement what I know I should do. I binge, either out of loneliness, a need for calories, low self-esteem, or a combination of all of these. Then I hate myself the next day. Literally. I am in a state of self-loathing the entire day. Let me tell you, I have never experienced anything as painful as the feelings that bingeing episodes have caused.
Yes, my mother left when I was 7, and years passed without any contact. I moved out of my house at 16. The line between my father and myself was broken for over six months. I have dealt with abuse, all kinds.. I have dealt with loss and heartbreak.. But it all pales in comparison to the pain that I feel the day/night of a binge, at least at the moment it does. I guess it's because I can look at all of the other traumatic events that have gone on in my life and know that they were not my fault. I didn't have the opportunity to take the drugs and alcohol from my mother. I couldn't have done anything to stop the abuse. I didn't know... 
Wow, I just started crying.. I didn't know this was going to be such a touchy post when I first starting writing..
Anyway, the thing with bingeing is I am the one causing the hurt.. I choose to get out that jar of peanut butter and the cookies and the yogurt and the pretzels, etc.. (Sadly, I could go on..). I know that I am full at a certain point, yet I don't want to stop.. Why?
And then the next day I decide that I need to eat as little/healthy as possible in order to balance out the calories.
That's what happened yesterday. ED was screaming that I was fat. Yes, I raced well in Philadelphia, but I've had two binges since then. I have probably gained a couple pounds. I need to get back to 'race weight'. *Gosh, I hate those two words.* So I decided that I'd eat super light/healthy. I totaled up my calories after the binge last night, and before the binge I had only taken in around 1000 calories. Not enough. I ran a 4 mile tempo that morning plus 4 miles of warming up/cooling down. No wonder my body is screaming for food..
As for the workout, I did alright (22:38 for 4 miles), not the best tempo of my life, and for Haley that's just not good enough, I guess. I just could not be happy. For some reason I expect so much of myself.
And so it's easy to restrict on a day like yesterday- a day when I'm not good enough, and if I could just be a little more perfect, the world would be a much happier place.
Excuse my nasty hair and sunburn. I just finished working the high school track meet that my college team is hosting. Retrieving the discus all morning- so fun :P
I placed this picture here because I want to move away from the negative tone of the first part of this post.
I want to move on with my life. I'm so tired of this stupid stupid cycle. I have come so far in my recovery from anorexia. Who says I can't do the same with bingeing? I have the control to stop this at any time, with the support of God, my boyfriend, my friends, and all of you. <3 
Goofy picture. :)
Today I've literally only read two blog posts of the many that I follow (too many :P), and I think it's a miracle that one of these two had a guest blogger talking about her recovery from bingeing. Here's the link to Julie's blog with a guest post by Tina. Tina's bit about forgiving yourself and moving on with life normally is what really struck me. I know that she's right. Restriction leads to bingeing which leads to restriction, etc.. So tonight, as hard as it may be, I am not going to restrict. I will eat what I am craving, and I will try to make it somewhat calorie dense, considering I haven't had too much to eat today, thus far.
Most important of all, I will forgive myself. First off, I will forgive myself for ever being anorexic.. I get upset with myself a lot that eating ever became such a big deal in my life in the first place. I will also forgive myself for these random bingeing episodes. But I must keep in mind that I need to fuel my body properly in order to prevent these from occurring. Bingeing has become somewhat of a comfort for me, just like starving myself used to be. I have to learn to deal with my emotions in ways that do not involve food. I know this is going to be a challenge, but I can do it. 
I think I showed this pic last time, but I love it. It's the group getting free Dunkin Donuts coffee samples at Penn Relays <3 
All of your support means so much to me. At times I have even shed tears when reading some of your comments. Even a "keep it up Haley!" gives me an infinite amount of encouragement and self-confidence that I can beat this! I can live my life with no regrets. I can enjoy the small things, and accept my imperfections, love my imperfections. After all, they are what make me me. 
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I'll be praying for you, and I hope you keep me in your thoughts (& prayers if you have them) as well.
P.s. I talked to my friend Simone and she thinks the thing about having my period a week and a half after I just finished a cycle might be because I missed a BC pill and had to take 2 on one day.. This makes sense!
P.p.s. I got a 4.0 for the semester! :)

P.p.p.s.(?) I changed the comment settings, so now anyone should be able to comment! Sorry about that! Also, you don't have to do that stupid word verification thing anymore, either. I hate that! :)

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Penn Relays, Philadelphia, Progress.

Wow. What a great week in Philadelphia for the Penn Relays track meet.
I did so much more than I ever dreamed we would do. We started the weekend with Olive Garden as I said in my last post. The next day I woke up and resisted the urge to restrict! Go me ;) 
Race day was mostly just chilling around the hotel and a little bit of shopping followed by us heading to the track. I realized I needed a little bit more fuel in me before the race, since it was delayed until 10 P.M. and I hadn’t eaten since 2, so I enjoyed a Powerbar and some pretzels while reading The Kite Runner and trying to stay relaxed. When it was time for warmup, I was ready! :)
I'm fourth from the front in this picture, the one with the bobbing ponytail ;)
Coach told me to try to keep 79 pace (per lap) so that I could PR and break the 5k school record-16:33. I started out with perfect pacing, but I was with this huge group of girls that were pushing like crazy! I actually almost fell at lap 3. A few laps later the crowd had lessened, and I was focused on keeping the pace and catching the girls ahead of me. About halfway through I felt the spirit of God and all of those supporting me there on the track. I put on a huge smile, and picked up the pace to pass the girls slowing down. It was the strangest, most euphoric feeling. The cheers of my teammates and coaches were also so helpful those last few laps as I started to feel the pace of three 5:15 miles.
With two and half laps to go Coach Franks yells at me that I have to go. He shouts, “Haley, you are NOT going to miss this record by one second, now GO!!” Man, I gave it all I had at that point. I finished my last 200 meters in 34 seconds, and Coach said I finished stronger than he’s ever seen me finish.
My final time was 16:21. That's a 19 second PR (personal record)! I was so happy. This is why I love running! I love seeing the well-earned results of all the hard work you put into something. It’s a beautiful thing. 
The next day I ran the 4x1500 meter relay with Chloe, Renee, and Katie. My split was 4:39 which sucks, but I was by myself (no other teams around) and my legs were really feeling that 5k from the night before. Despite these excuses, I was extremely disappointed with myself, and the girls were pretty close to slapping me cuz of my post-race attitude. They weren’t upset with me at all. They knew I did my best. So I snapped out of it and enjoyed the rest of the trip. Yea, have I mentioned I have the best teammates ever!?
Saturday, we had a long run. Chloe and I ran 80 minutes together, and Coach Franks was running the opposite way when he passed us at minute 47. He finished with us, and it was really fun talking with both of them as we rolled through the rest of the run. I LOVE long runs! :)
Sunday I did 45 minutes by myself. These Sunday ‘optional’ runs used to be motivated by my need to burn calories or get extra mileage in. Yes, I am a self-proclaimed mileage freak :P But lately it has just been for the love of running. And I love that. I love that my running has nothing to do with losing weight. :)
Renee and I spectating Saturday's events!
Okay, so running aside.. Connor’s grandfather died on Thursday. Connor was actually on the phone with me and asked me to hold on while he answered his dad’s call on the other line and his dad told him the news. He switched lines back to me, and I knew something was wrong when I heard his voice. He started crying and told me what happened. Of course I started crying, too. But we must remember that Papa is in a better place. My boyfriend was very close to his grandfather, and everyone in his family is going through a really rough time. Papa was a great man. So I ask you all to keep Connor and his family in your prayers, please.
Best cheesesteak in the world. I didn't think to take a pic til it was half gone, but here is half! ;)
Eating wise, I feel so much more normal than ever. I walked 40 minutes with my teammates just to get the best cheesesteak in Philly. That’s right, I enjoyed every bite of the world’s most delicious, greasy cheesesteak. It was well worth every calorie. I didn’t even think about the dumb things.
After our 40 minute walk back to the hotel we went out for ice cream. Can you blame us? All that walking works up an appetite! ;) I opted for vanilla froyo, but I did mix in peanut butter and oreos. I haven’t had pb+oreo in forever. It’s the best combo ever invented. Seriously, people!
Katie, me, and Renee. Enjoying every bite :)
Yes, I did overeat at certain times in this trip, but I love that food isn’t that big of a deal anymore. I didn’t binge, and eating has become more normal than ever! I continue to eat fairly healthy, obviously, but I wasn’t going to turn down signature Philadelphia food on this trip! It was a once-in-a-lifetime thing!
This was called "Miracle Gardens" I think.. Basically a beautified junk yard. We didn't get to go in cuz it was past closing time, but we enjoyed looking inside!
My self image is still teeter-tottering, but I am working on it. I am trying to remind myself that I am made in God’s image, and I need to impress no one but him. It’s hard cuz a large part of me does feel that I need to lose at least a couple pounds, and I don’t know whether this is justified or not, but I’m trying not to worry about it. As long as I eat healthy without bingeing or restricting then my weight should just work itself out.
Renee and I enjoying crepes the day after our race :)
Thanks for the encouragement about the Olive Garden post. Yes, it was really hard ordering my calorie exploding pasta, but I don’t regret it. Things like that make me feel like a normal girl. Normal people overeat sometimes. And they eat ice cream after eating a philly cheesesteak. Normal people also eat salads sometimes, which I am guilty of doing a couple times this trip ;) Hey, I love salad!
I hope you all have a great start to the week! 
Love you all so much,
<3 Haley
Renee & I taking goofy pics on the bus from Birmingham to Starkville
Okay, so I wrote this post on Sunday when I was returning from Philadelphia, Chicago, and then Birmingham back to Starkville. I didn't have time to post because as soon as I got back to Starkville I headed home (to TN) for Conrad's Papa's funeral. It was really late, and I was feeling very stressed, so Connor was kind enough to meet me halfway and drive me the rest of the way home.
I was so excited to see him. We hadn't had too much time to talk over the trip, and I missed him dearly. But when we saw each other, it didn't turn out exactly the way I wanted. I was looking forward to talking about the trip and my race and everything else, but Connor was still so upset over his grandfather's death. I can't blame him, but I was disappointed that I couldn't find a way to cheer him up and talk with him in the way I wanted.
So I have bad news.. Connor dropped me off at my house a little after midnight, and the first thing I did when I went into my house was go for the peanut butter. Then the ice cream. Then the pecan pie. (Have I mentioned my house is like a Little Debbie snackshop? For realz.) Anyway, I went to bed disappointed and upset with myself, obviously.
I mean, I had made it 6.5 days without bingeing!! Grr.. Why did I have to ruin it?
Once again, I used food to mask my emotions. So dumb.
Chloe & I on our walk to cheesesteaks in Philly
Since then I have been doing pretty well. I didn't binge the next day (Monday) even though at first I had the major urge to just eat everything in sight. I did stop and ask myself why I wanted the food and how I would feel afterwards, though, and that definitely helped stop the crazy binge mindset. Plus I turned to God. Like I said before, He is my rock. And I find that conquering ED is SO MUCH EASIER knowing that He is in control.

My body image,though, is probably at it's worst. I look in the mirror and see 'fatfatfat'. It's making restricting seem more and more tempting, just to lose those couple pounds that I may have gained, but I am fighting it. I don't want to go back to that miserable lifestyle, even if I do have to stay at a higher weight than I feel comfortable with at the moment.
I ask that you all keep me in your thoughts and prayers! I'm on my way to beating ED for good!
P.s. I have been reading blogs, but I'm behind on commenting so don't think I am ignoring you :)

P.p.s. I hope no one is grossed out by this, but I stopped having my period due to anorexia starting last March. I got on birth control in November and have had regular light periods ever since.. My last period ended a week and a half ago, when I was supposed to have it according to my BC, on the fourth week of the pack. But yesterday morning I started spotting.. I thought it would go away, but it got heavier, so I've been treating this like a normal period. 
Why do you think this is? My body is readjusting to my weight or exercise or something?

Also, how do you handle a negative self-image while preventing relapse back to restriction?

And for those of you that have handled restricting and then bingeing and just anyone in general, when did you notice the transition to intuitive eating becoming easier? Do you feel mostly normal today?

Your comments are always more than appreciated and loved!!
<3 Haley