Saturday, May 7, 2011

Forgiving myself is proving to be the hardest thing I've ever done.

If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price ~unknown

I am not a has-been.  I am a will be. ~Lauren Bacall

If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. ~Vincent Van Gogh

It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves. ~Edmund Hillary

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

These are some quotes I was looking up about self-confidence. It's really something I've been lacking lately. I also found some great scripture that deals with self image and respecting one's body:

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 ~ Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
1 Samuel 16:7
But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
Matthew 6:25
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
All great things to remember..
Even if you are not religious, it's so true that a life wasted worrying over food and drink is just that- a life wasted. And since when did appearance become a priority in our lives? I don't want to be on my death bed remembering all of the moments I missed out with friends or family because I was worried over what they were going to eat at that particular gathering. I want to remember the love and laughter. It won't matter if my weight was 115 or 120. It will only matter that I was happy with myself and developing strong relationships with others and most importantly God. 
I cannot even begin to explain the epiphany I reached today when I was thinking over my disordered eating habits and how they affect me..
It seems so stupid that I go through this cycle so often, yet it's so hard to implement what I know I should do. I binge, either out of loneliness, a need for calories, low self-esteem, or a combination of all of these. Then I hate myself the next day. Literally. I am in a state of self-loathing the entire day. Let me tell you, I have never experienced anything as painful as the feelings that bingeing episodes have caused.
Yes, my mother left when I was 7, and years passed without any contact. I moved out of my house at 16. The line between my father and myself was broken for over six months. I have dealt with abuse, all kinds.. I have dealt with loss and heartbreak.. But it all pales in comparison to the pain that I feel the day/night of a binge, at least at the moment it does. I guess it's because I can look at all of the other traumatic events that have gone on in my life and know that they were not my fault. I didn't have the opportunity to take the drugs and alcohol from my mother. I couldn't have done anything to stop the abuse. I didn't know... 
Wow, I just started crying.. I didn't know this was going to be such a touchy post when I first starting writing..
Anyway, the thing with bingeing is I am the one causing the hurt.. I choose to get out that jar of peanut butter and the cookies and the yogurt and the pretzels, etc.. (Sadly, I could go on..). I know that I am full at a certain point, yet I don't want to stop.. Why?
And then the next day I decide that I need to eat as little/healthy as possible in order to balance out the calories.
That's what happened yesterday. ED was screaming that I was fat. Yes, I raced well in Philadelphia, but I've had two binges since then. I have probably gained a couple pounds. I need to get back to 'race weight'. *Gosh, I hate those two words.* So I decided that I'd eat super light/healthy. I totaled up my calories after the binge last night, and before the binge I had only taken in around 1000 calories. Not enough. I ran a 4 mile tempo that morning plus 4 miles of warming up/cooling down. No wonder my body is screaming for food..
As for the workout, I did alright (22:38 for 4 miles), not the best tempo of my life, and for Haley that's just not good enough, I guess. I just could not be happy. For some reason I expect so much of myself.
And so it's easy to restrict on a day like yesterday- a day when I'm not good enough, and if I could just be a little more perfect, the world would be a much happier place.
Excuse my nasty hair and sunburn. I just finished working the high school track meet that my college team is hosting. Retrieving the discus all morning- so fun :P
I placed this picture here because I want to move away from the negative tone of the first part of this post.
I want to move on with my life. I'm so tired of this stupid stupid cycle. I have come so far in my recovery from anorexia. Who says I can't do the same with bingeing? I have the control to stop this at any time, with the support of God, my boyfriend, my friends, and all of you. <3 
Goofy picture. :)
Today I've literally only read two blog posts of the many that I follow (too many :P), and I think it's a miracle that one of these two had a guest blogger talking about her recovery from bingeing. Here's the link to Julie's blog with a guest post by Tina. Tina's bit about forgiving yourself and moving on with life normally is what really struck me. I know that she's right. Restriction leads to bingeing which leads to restriction, etc.. So tonight, as hard as it may be, I am not going to restrict. I will eat what I am craving, and I will try to make it somewhat calorie dense, considering I haven't had too much to eat today, thus far.
Most important of all, I will forgive myself. First off, I will forgive myself for ever being anorexic.. I get upset with myself a lot that eating ever became such a big deal in my life in the first place. I will also forgive myself for these random bingeing episodes. But I must keep in mind that I need to fuel my body properly in order to prevent these from occurring. Bingeing has become somewhat of a comfort for me, just like starving myself used to be. I have to learn to deal with my emotions in ways that do not involve food. I know this is going to be a challenge, but I can do it. 
I think I showed this pic last time, but I love it. It's the group getting free Dunkin Donuts coffee samples at Penn Relays <3 
All of your support means so much to me. At times I have even shed tears when reading some of your comments. Even a "keep it up Haley!" gives me an infinite amount of encouragement and self-confidence that I can beat this! I can live my life with no regrets. I can enjoy the small things, and accept my imperfections, love my imperfections. After all, they are what make me me. 
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I'll be praying for you, and I hope you keep me in your thoughts (& prayers if you have them) as well.
P.s. I talked to my friend Simone and she thinks the thing about having my period a week and a half after I just finished a cycle might be because I missed a BC pill and had to take 2 on one day.. This makes sense!
P.p.s. I got a 4.0 for the semester! :)

P.p.p.s.(?) I changed the comment settings, so now anyone should be able to comment! Sorry about that! Also, you don't have to do that stupid word verification thing anymore, either. I hate that! :)


  1. haley, i don't really know what to write because you leave me speechless and so excited for you...but this should cover it:

    GO YOU!!!!!!!!

  2. I love the quotes and scripture you included in this post! I struggle with binging so I could relate to so much of what you wrote, especially the self loathing the day after a binge. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this but you seem like a very strong person who can definitely overcome this!

  3. Thank you for sharing the post from other blog. It was a good read!

    I think I can safely speak for everyone here who are struggling with any form of EDs....ED begins because we don't forgive and love ourselves.

    The biggest step to truly beating ED is forgiving and loving ourselves which is something I am finding very difficult right now.

    I got rid of word verficiation for the same reason! :)

    Your post is perfect timing for me to read by the way.

  4. Oh gosh don't even get me started on word verification ;) I mostly comment on my iPod and it always self corrects what I type in so I always have to be careful that I don't let it correct what I type in. I need to get rid of that on my blog, too!

    You are so right on the forgiveness thing. We can't keep beating ourselves up for what we do, whether it's bingeing or restricting. I always feel so guilty for putting my family through my ordeal with anorexia, but I shouldn't feel that way. I really love the quotes you shared, especially the Bible verses. I always seem to forget that God will love me no matter what I weigh. This was such an amazing reminder.

    P.S. Big congrats on the 4.0! That is so awesome!

  5. Glad I can comment this time! :)

    I was going to say basically the same thing, before you came to the conclusion towards the end of this post regarding Tina's post. Your restricting during the day so much, very well could be leading you to binge at night. I know how hard it is during the day to get in those calories. I know because I still struggle with it some days. Here it is, 10:30 at night, and I haven't reached my calorie intake that I should have. But I shouldn't have skimped my meals so much during the day. We're just setting ourself up basically. We know what we have to do, but again, it's so hard.

    By the way, I read that scripture in the Bible the other night. I highlighted it too! It's such an eye opener because everytime I have disordered thoughts or obesses over food, I think about how God wouldn't want me to value such things over Him. Food is fuel, and nothing more. To be enjoyed but not worshipped!

  6. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Haley. <3 I sent you an ecard with a more detailed comment, so if you get an American Greeting Card from "Jess", you can open it, it's not spam! Take care of yourself, girly. You can get through this!

  7. LOVE YOU HALEY!! This post made me CRY Hales! I'm so glad I read this this morning! I got up early and ate my pre-run breakfast cos it was sposed to be my long run right now, but it just started POURING with rain, but that's good cos it lead me to read THIS right now instead before church! Love how God works! :D

    So sorry to hear what you've had to go through in life whith your momma and stuff. No-one should ever have to deal with things like that, specially not so young!!

    I read Tina's post too and LOVED it!!! She totally mentioned one of the biggest points in my recovery- seeing the bigger picture. You are SO there Haley!! I am seeing in your words the things that REALLY got me through recovery! I realised that no matter what trash I was going through or went through with the people in my life, I ALWAYS had God's love, and His forgiveness, and that lead me to love and forgive myself, just like YOU are!

    You are SUCH a strong beautiful (and SMART- wowzers 4.0!!!!) girl and you are ALWAYS in my thoughts and prayers friend! I KNOW you are going to recover completely and it's totally obvious to me that you will!

    LOVE the quotes too! Read this Bible verse yesterday: Song of Solomon~ "You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you." So true of you beautiful girl:)

    P.S. Love your photos and I just hugged my screen pretending it was you <3

  8. Jeez you've got some MAJOR wisedom - I think your ability to look at your behaviour, observe it and look in to it is a real gift in disguise. You can use it for good or bad, bad by beating yourself up over things like bingeing and good for learning more about yourself and finding out who you are in God. I've been told I'm the same.

    You are so so beautiful (not just on the outside- this is gunna sound cheesy but on the insde too.)

    So listen up Haley, you can recover, YOU CAN DO IT :D I 100000000% believe in you. You've got strength!

  9. Try not to beat yourself up, your motivation inspires me. I can all too relate to that dreaded cycle.

    take care hun

  10. I had to come check out your blog after your comment on my guest post. I'm so glad I did! I love how real and raw you are. It's my favorite thing in a blog. Also, so happy to hear that you wanted to focus on continuing with normalness despite the binge and forgive yourself. I truly believe its the best thing you can do...and you deserve it! Your body deserves that fuel too after such a kick butt run. ;)

    I hope you have a great rest of the weekend. You're beautiful!

  11. He shall be omnipresent in your mind, on your lips, and in your heart.

    Keep the Faith. :D

  12. <3

    this is a very inspiring post!


  13. love the quotes and verses!! not to mention the entire post!!

    thinking of and praying for you!!


  14. Haley, I am so happy and proud of you for coming to this realization. I hope this is the beginning of the end of binging!
    I also really liked the 5 quotes at the top. They were all so great!

    I'm thinking of you, and I truly believe in you! :-)

  15. You are a classic Type A -- perfect grades, perfect running -- no wonder you are so hard on yourself!! You are such a bright girl, I KNOW you are close to complete self-acceptance and happiness.

    you running talent amazes me to no end. Don't you dare let that talent go to waste by fueling it with only 1000 calories! you're too skilled for those weak games. Much love to you as always, and I'm so happy to hear you crash down another breakthrough

  16. Haley, reading this post almost brought me to tears. I know you can keep going forward, you are so strong! And ED can't stifle your positive and resilient attitude. I am so proud of all the progress you've made.
    Keep going! And remember, in the end, everything will be okay.
    Sending much love your way<3

  17. Haley, first of all, sending you a big {{{HUG}}} You are working your way through the challenges of recovering from an eating disorder, and there are going to be bumps along the way. It sounds like you have figured some things out, and are ready to put your knowledge into practice. I hope the past few days since you have written this have gone better. You are in my thoughts. You have given me so much encouragement, and I believe so much that you can do this!

  18. Um, you are my role model. Girl, those quotes are EXACTLY what I needed to read today, thank you. You are so right about wasting life worrying about food, fitness and appearance. We need to focus on GOD!!! you are doing absolutely amazing and yes, PLEASE FORGIVE YOURSELF!!!! Thank you for your sweet comment today, you made my day!!!

  19. You really chose some nice quotes about the importance of forgiving ourselves. It's also wonderful to see a young person focusing on learning the lesson of forgiveness, NOW and not later in life.

    Most of us don’t realize that by not forgiving ourselves we set the example for others not to forgive themselves either. Do we really want a world full of people preoccupied with punishing themselves?

  20. So I've read this post before... but reading it again, "randomly," right now, it speaks even higher volumes. Thank you for your consistent honesty.