Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Penn Relays, Philadelphia, Progress.

Wow. What a great week in Philadelphia for the Penn Relays track meet.
I did so much more than I ever dreamed we would do. We started the weekend with Olive Garden as I said in my last post. The next day I woke up and resisted the urge to restrict! Go me ;) 
Race day was mostly just chilling around the hotel and a little bit of shopping followed by us heading to the track. I realized I needed a little bit more fuel in me before the race, since it was delayed until 10 P.M. and I hadn’t eaten since 2, so I enjoyed a Powerbar and some pretzels while reading The Kite Runner and trying to stay relaxed. When it was time for warmup, I was ready! :)
I'm fourth from the front in this picture, the one with the bobbing ponytail ;)
Coach told me to try to keep 79 pace (per lap) so that I could PR and break the 5k school record-16:33. I started out with perfect pacing, but I was with this huge group of girls that were pushing like crazy! I actually almost fell at lap 3. A few laps later the crowd had lessened, and I was focused on keeping the pace and catching the girls ahead of me. About halfway through I felt the spirit of God and all of those supporting me there on the track. I put on a huge smile, and picked up the pace to pass the girls slowing down. It was the strangest, most euphoric feeling. The cheers of my teammates and coaches were also so helpful those last few laps as I started to feel the pace of three 5:15 miles.
With two and half laps to go Coach Franks yells at me that I have to go. He shouts, “Haley, you are NOT going to miss this record by one second, now GO!!” Man, I gave it all I had at that point. I finished my last 200 meters in 34 seconds, and Coach said I finished stronger than he’s ever seen me finish.
My final time was 16:21. That's a 19 second PR (personal record)! I was so happy. This is why I love running! I love seeing the well-earned results of all the hard work you put into something. It’s a beautiful thing. 
The next day I ran the 4x1500 meter relay with Chloe, Renee, and Katie. My split was 4:39 which sucks, but I was by myself (no other teams around) and my legs were really feeling that 5k from the night before. Despite these excuses, I was extremely disappointed with myself, and the girls were pretty close to slapping me cuz of my post-race attitude. They weren’t upset with me at all. They knew I did my best. So I snapped out of it and enjoyed the rest of the trip. Yea, have I mentioned I have the best teammates ever!?
Saturday, we had a long run. Chloe and I ran 80 minutes together, and Coach Franks was running the opposite way when he passed us at minute 47. He finished with us, and it was really fun talking with both of them as we rolled through the rest of the run. I LOVE long runs! :)
Sunday I did 45 minutes by myself. These Sunday ‘optional’ runs used to be motivated by my need to burn calories or get extra mileage in. Yes, I am a self-proclaimed mileage freak :P But lately it has just been for the love of running. And I love that. I love that my running has nothing to do with losing weight. :)
Renee and I spectating Saturday's events!
Okay, so running aside.. Connor’s grandfather died on Thursday. Connor was actually on the phone with me and asked me to hold on while he answered his dad’s call on the other line and his dad told him the news. He switched lines back to me, and I knew something was wrong when I heard his voice. He started crying and told me what happened. Of course I started crying, too. But we must remember that Papa is in a better place. My boyfriend was very close to his grandfather, and everyone in his family is going through a really rough time. Papa was a great man. So I ask you all to keep Connor and his family in your prayers, please.
Best cheesesteak in the world. I didn't think to take a pic til it was half gone, but here is half! ;)
Eating wise, I feel so much more normal than ever. I walked 40 minutes with my teammates just to get the best cheesesteak in Philly. That’s right, I enjoyed every bite of the world’s most delicious, greasy cheesesteak. It was well worth every calorie. I didn’t even think about the dumb things.
After our 40 minute walk back to the hotel we went out for ice cream. Can you blame us? All that walking works up an appetite! ;) I opted for vanilla froyo, but I did mix in peanut butter and oreos. I haven’t had pb+oreo in forever. It’s the best combo ever invented. Seriously, people!
Katie, me, and Renee. Enjoying every bite :)
Yes, I did overeat at certain times in this trip, but I love that food isn’t that big of a deal anymore. I didn’t binge, and eating has become more normal than ever! I continue to eat fairly healthy, obviously, but I wasn’t going to turn down signature Philadelphia food on this trip! It was a once-in-a-lifetime thing!
This was called "Miracle Gardens" I think.. Basically a beautified junk yard. We didn't get to go in cuz it was past closing time, but we enjoyed looking inside!
My self image is still teeter-tottering, but I am working on it. I am trying to remind myself that I am made in God’s image, and I need to impress no one but him. It’s hard cuz a large part of me does feel that I need to lose at least a couple pounds, and I don’t know whether this is justified or not, but I’m trying not to worry about it. As long as I eat healthy without bingeing or restricting then my weight should just work itself out.
Renee and I enjoying crepes the day after our race :)
Thanks for the encouragement about the Olive Garden post. Yes, it was really hard ordering my calorie exploding pasta, but I don’t regret it. Things like that make me feel like a normal girl. Normal people overeat sometimes. And they eat ice cream after eating a philly cheesesteak. Normal people also eat salads sometimes, which I am guilty of doing a couple times this trip ;) Hey, I love salad!
I hope you all have a great start to the week! 
Love you all so much,
<3 Haley
Renee & I taking goofy pics on the bus from Birmingham to Starkville
Okay, so I wrote this post on Sunday when I was returning from Philadelphia, Chicago, and then Birmingham back to Starkville. I didn't have time to post because as soon as I got back to Starkville I headed home (to TN) for Conrad's Papa's funeral. It was really late, and I was feeling very stressed, so Connor was kind enough to meet me halfway and drive me the rest of the way home.
I was so excited to see him. We hadn't had too much time to talk over the trip, and I missed him dearly. But when we saw each other, it didn't turn out exactly the way I wanted. I was looking forward to talking about the trip and my race and everything else, but Connor was still so upset over his grandfather's death. I can't blame him, but I was disappointed that I couldn't find a way to cheer him up and talk with him in the way I wanted.
So I have bad news.. Connor dropped me off at my house a little after midnight, and the first thing I did when I went into my house was go for the peanut butter. Then the ice cream. Then the pecan pie. (Have I mentioned my house is like a Little Debbie snackshop? For realz.) Anyway, I went to bed disappointed and upset with myself, obviously.
I mean, I had made it 6.5 days without bingeing!! Grr.. Why did I have to ruin it?
Once again, I used food to mask my emotions. So dumb.
Chloe & I on our walk to cheesesteaks in Philly
Since then I have been doing pretty well. I didn't binge the next day (Monday) even though at first I had the major urge to just eat everything in sight. I did stop and ask myself why I wanted the food and how I would feel afterwards, though, and that definitely helped stop the crazy binge mindset. Plus I turned to God. Like I said before, He is my rock. And I find that conquering ED is SO MUCH EASIER knowing that He is in control.

My body image,though, is probably at it's worst. I look in the mirror and see 'fatfatfat'. It's making restricting seem more and more tempting, just to lose those couple pounds that I may have gained, but I am fighting it. I don't want to go back to that miserable lifestyle, even if I do have to stay at a higher weight than I feel comfortable with at the moment.
I ask that you all keep me in your thoughts and prayers! I'm on my way to beating ED for good!
P.s. I have been reading blogs, but I'm behind on commenting so don't think I am ignoring you :)

P.p.s. I hope no one is grossed out by this, but I stopped having my period due to anorexia starting last March. I got on birth control in November and have had regular light periods ever since.. My last period ended a week and a half ago, when I was supposed to have it according to my BC, on the fourth week of the pack. But yesterday morning I started spotting.. I thought it would go away, but it got heavier, so I've been treating this like a normal period. 
Why do you think this is? My body is readjusting to my weight or exercise or something?

Also, how do you handle a negative self-image while preventing relapse back to restriction?

And for those of you that have handled restricting and then bingeing and just anyone in general, when did you notice the transition to intuitive eating becoming easier? Do you feel mostly normal today?

Your comments are always more than appreciated and loved!!
<3 Haley


  1. You utter BEAUTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUS!

    Oohhh so much so say on this post!
    Well first off 5K in I have literally just started running (been on like three 3.5 mile runs...takes me 40 minutes haha, but there is a freakin HUGE hill at the end of it that takes do I get my time down?)
    Second, your trip looks so much fun! I love competitive sport even though I'm not involved in one at the moment, you look so happy and totally beauitful and NOT even CLOSE to fat.

    Thirdly I am so sorry to hear about Conor's grandad, my thoughts and prayers are with you all.

    You've done SO well going so long without bingeing and one slip is not a big deal if you look at the bigger picture.

    Okay, one more thing I want to say, "I am trying to remind myself that I am made in God’s image, and I need to impress no one but him." I love your attitude here, but just remember that what you do can't impress him, because he loves you unconditionally and his love doesn't depend on how you act, but who you are, the fact is we are his children so he loves us SO MUCH that we can't impress him because he is so big. Well that's what I think, I have no idea haha!

    Lots of love, just loving on your blog at the moment.

  2. So glad you broke your PR in the 5K race! 10 PM is such a crazy time to race though- it has to be hard to run so late, after a full day of doing stuff, and still do so well. Congratulations!

    Very sorry to her about Connor's grandpa passing away... and your resulting binge. But hey, you did really well in Philly and it was a tough day. Funerals and stuff are really hard to deal with- don't be super hard on yourself about it *hugs*. Being hard on yourself just makes things that much worse, all you can really do is just move on...


  3. I also love that you love running not to burn calories but just because it's what you like to do! Great job with the PR by the way :) and it's also incredible that you were able to eat normally! That is really amazing.

    About the period thing, I have been on birth control since last January and since about a year ago, I've also had regular light periods. This time, I freaked out a little because it started almost a day late and it was really light. I'm not sure if these kinds of fluctuations are weight-based or just random but I think if it happens again, it's probably because your body is adjusting to being fed and exercised more normally, which is a good thing!

    P.S. I'm praying for Connor's family.

  4. You're amazing! Seriously and I love how you are beautifully and brutally honest. You're helped me so much I can't even tell you.

    I can't help you with the body image stuff because I am going through the exact same thing. I wish I could just stop thinking about my body and freaking out when I look in the mirror.

    Anyways, keep fighting girl you are almost there!

  5. AMAZING girl!!! Ohmygosh seriously I am such AWE I almost fainted!! You are SO DARN SPEEDY!! Seriously, can you give me some of your speed? And your gorgeous looks too please?! K thanks ;)

    I LOVE those photos of you running, and I love how passionate you are about it!! Passion=success:)

    And you have come SO FAR Haley since a while back!! Seriously, your recovery is doing so well!! Small relapses happen, but the thing is to try not to freak out over it. When I became more relaxed about it all, it stopped. And that was the trick for me- simply relaxing about everything! I know it's hard at first, but baby steps!

    Don't forget girl that "you are God's MASTERPIECE"!! (Ephesisans 2:10) That is one of my fave Bible verses and whenever I struggled with body image, I just remembered that. He loves us, and we should love ourselves too:) Oh, and you look absolutely STUNNING so you should't feel that way about yourself EVER anyway!!

    Love you girl, have an awesome day!!

  6. So proud of you Beautiful!


  7. I am so proud of you and I love you to pieces.
    The period thing could be because of your low body fat. A lot of athletes have that problem and it might need discussing with a doctor or something.
    My weight needs to be past BMI 20 (sorry to use numbers but just as an example) for me to have regular periods. So we are all different.
    I always had a low body fat because I was a gymnast. As I have gotten older, obviously that has gone higher as I am more of a woman :p
    As for body image, it takes a freaking long time, and the worst injustice you could do yourself is go back on all the work you HAVE done.
    Your body image will improve as you get underneath why you developed an eating disorder.
    I am always here if I can do anything to help xxx

  8. I can't explain how proud I am of you. You seem to be doing so well and making so much progress and that is truly amazing. You're an awesome girl and so much better than ED.
    Slip-ups are part of recovery, and although binging absolutely sucks, you have come so far otherwise!
    I want to comment more on this post, and I probably will come back to it because there is a lot to respond to, in the meantime, stay strong<3
    I believe in you girlie!

  9. hay,
    i just wanted you to know that i love the smell of my own flatulents. ^_^ HAHAHAHAHAHA OMG I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!

    penn was so much fun and we got so much closer. john asked today, "so did penn really bring you guys closer?" i was like uh...YEAH! i went bowling with katie today and it was so fun. gosh, i just love our team. thanks for being there for me and likewise, i am ALWAYS there for you.

    hey.....tomorrow is a new day and you're more beautiful every single day. love you like i love one cheek sneaks (or however you say that in japanese)


  10. Wow, what a post! I just stumbled across your blog and I'm already a fan. It's so wonderful to have such an honest blog, so refreshing. You are incredibly beautiful and holy cow with that 5k PR! Amazing!!

  11. Just stumbled on your blog and SO glad I did!!!!
    I also run track and field for my school, Georgia Southern University!!
    Can't wait to

  12. Wow, Haley, what can I say? You are so amazing and I'm amazed at how wise and insightful you are when it comes to your recovery. I wish that I had advise on your body image question. I think that after a weight gain, it takes time for you to adjust to how that looks and feels. I also don't think that you need to lose any weight. I think that would really affect how your body performs. Your body will settle into where it needs to be if you continue to fuel it properly. As for the binge, it is just a blip on the radar, and you got up and got right back on track!
    I'm sorry about Connor's grandfather. I will keep him in my thoughts and prayers. You take care, and have a great weekend:)

  13. What an amazing blog entry, really. You are wonderful!

  14. You're the leader. :) You are inspiring so many people.

    Love to you always!

  15. you BLOW MY MIND!! like literally, my brain can't function properly right now. 13 second school record!?!? 19 second personal record!?! that's huge! I have a very serious question here: are you kind of a celebrity at your school? you are the $hit. You are such a mad inspiration.

    Guess what happened to also be the case when you BLEW DOWN that record?? You were fueling your body properly. Your body is THANKING you for that by running as strong and efficiently as possible. You probably have extra speed muscles now that your muscles haven't been eaten away by a starving body!

    My recent marathon was a 23 minute PR -- and one of the only changes between it and my previous marathons is better fueling. I know eat 2500-3000 calories a day, instead of 1800-2200 which is wear I used to be.

    Your teamates seam wonderful. And I'm sorry about your boyfriend's grandfather, but it sounds like he's thinking a little bit too much about himself...instead of his family and loved ones and everyone affected by the loss. I don't mean for that to sound harsh, I just wish he could balance his feelings better to still be fully present for you during a very important time in your life.

    Sending my love to you, you superstar!!!