Friday, May 13, 2011

ED vs. 10k

I raced the 10k tonight at the SEC Championships. It was not a personal best time (34:16), but it was by far the hardest race of my life. I finished third. Everyone is so proud of me, and I guess I can't be upset with myself. I raced and ran with all that I had.
I'm in the white top, maroon shorts in fourth place in this picture. This looks like it was taken around the first couple laps cuz everyone is still together. *I love that my teammates are picture crazy!* ;)
I just want to do a quick post before bed to say that I finally feel that I am discovering who I am and who I want to be. I am loving life, and the fact that food isn't the center of my world is such an awesome thing. I would never have known that I'd feel comfortable in this 120-ish? pound body.
But if this is what recovery weighs, looks like, whatever, then fine. I want it. I'd much rather have a life and friends and a family than be super skinny, worrying over fat content and how many calories I'm burning, etc.. for the rest of my life.
Running that race tonight was super hard, yes. At so many points I just wanted to stop, to walk off the track. My head was spinning, my legs were burning, and I felt like I was about to roll over and die, ha. :P Like recovery, it's a freakin looooong race to the finish line, *25 laps in this case :P*. In terms of ED, I'm not quite at the finish line yet. But I do know that I am closer now than I've ever been, and I'm going to give it all I have to make it there because I know what it's like to feel that pride and love for yourself over all that you've accomplished once you do take finish those final steps. No, it's not egotistical. It is well deserved. I tend to be too hard on myself, and this doesn't help my recovery in the least bit. Now, though, I am finally starting to acknowledge all that I have done so far, and it makes me that much more excited to see what the future has in store for me. Finishing a 10k, and even tougher, conquering an eating disorder, are tough things to overcome. If I can do these things, I can do anything.
Finally took a picture with Conrad today. He's my rock, my love, my everything. <3
I'll post again soon to catch you up with my life. I've tried to post the past couple days, but blogger's been dumb. Tomorrow is rest day for me, so that will be nice to watch my teammates run a few races. I race the 5k Sunday afternoon. I hope to have the same fight in me in that race that I did tonight. I know that I can do it.

Thank you to all of you who have supported me by commenting or reading or praying.. I seriously have a spot in my heart for each and every one of you. I know I always say it, but words cannot express how tremendously encouraging and inspirational you all have been to me these past six months.
I send so much love, soso much love, to all of you.
<3 Haley

P.s. If this is choppy and has tons of grammatical errors, I'm sorry.. I'm pretty tired from the race and just feel like passing out, but even more than that I felt like expressing my love and happiness with all of you :)
Goodnight. <3


  1. Congratulations, hugs and happy thoughts!! You are an amazing girl, thanks for taking the time to share your story with all of us. "Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life you were only waiting for this moment to arrive."

  2. I was so happy to read this Haley.I love the fact that you are embracing life and determined not to let ED stand in the way of it any longer. And you're right, you CAN do anything.

    Keeping my fingers crossed for you girl - you are amazing!

  3. im so proud! this post gave me such a big smile!!! im seeing real changes in you :) :)!! cant wait for another post! and ummmm that 10k pace is INSANE! you are seriously like lightning!

  4. I loved the quote anonymous posted; it's the Beatles' "Blackbird." And isn't that the truth, though? Our wings have been clipped. Yet, with all that faith and support, they are growing back--albeit differently--in a better way. I, too, sometimes feel the ED thoughts. Keyword: feel. We'll feel 'em for a time...but then the being (you know who i'm referring to) will realize we're a lost cause for his reign.

    you already know how proud i am of you. so i'll just say, i love you a ton and i will see you very soon!

  5. Oh Haley this is wonderful!!! Isn't it true, though?!?! Once you get to a higher weight you just don't care anymore because you are so much happier than you have ever been! I would so rather be happy and big than small and miserable.

    You and Connor are ADORABLE!!! Your eyes are sparkling, love. You're gorgeous!!!! <3


  6. I was like YAAAY a Haley post!! :D

    AWESOME job!! I'm so proud of you for pushing through!! "When your legs get tired, run with your heart" <-- one of my fave running quotes!! You are soooo amazing and I have no idea how on earth you run so darn fast!!! For my birthday, can you give me your speed please?! ;)

    But I'm even MORE proud of you for all this self love!! You are so THERE Hales and you're kicking this ED's butt!! LOVE YOU!! <3

    P.S. You and Connor are seriously like a model couple- so so gorgeous!!

    P.P.S. GOOD LUCK for your race on Sunday!! You are so right you CAN do it:)

  7. Congratulations!!! I love reading your posts because you always have such wonderful insights into yourself and the disorder. Good luck on your race tomorrow:)

  8. I just found your blog today and I love it.

  9. every single one of your posts is a huge emotional experience for me as a reader -- you are so big-hearted, so full of emotion and strength and searching. You are amazing, I love witnessing you blossom like this.

    I am so proud of you for finishing that race and placing third! I know those mental games so well -- knowing you could just let your legs stop and step out, it can be tempting. Your brain is one of the most important parts of running! Way to stick it out. You are STRONG!!

  10. thats exactly right, when you look back on what you have accomplished, it motivates you to see what lies ahead on your path! you're resilient, strong, and beautiful! <3 xoxo

  11. Like everyone said, I am so proud of you! Not just for coming in 3rd place in a hard race but also for realizing that your life can be so much more without ED! It's such an amazing realization that I haven't quite reached but I'm so happy that you have! Our lives shouldn't revolve around food and being the skinniest! And you are so right about recovery being like a race--it's hard and long but crossing the finish line is so worth it :)

  12. Hey girl! Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog because it's how I found yours and I absolutely LOVE coming across people who are rockin' the road to recovery! You should be super proud of yourself! First of, recovery is an amazing accomplishment, and it allowed you to enjoy another accomplishment: finishing a 10K! So. amazing :D

  13. Your time was still totally awesome. I'm lucky to do a 10K 20 minutes slower than you, lol! Even coming in 3rd place is really awesome :).

    You're totally right comparing recovery to a long race. It's definitely not a sprint, because it's so much more mental than physical, and very tempting to just give it up and quit. As a runner, I like the analogy :).

    I think all of us with EDs tend to be extremely harsh on ourselves. There's nothing wrong with feeling proud of yourself for running your best in an actual race or in recovery. It's an awesome accomplishment :).