Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Harry Potter > ED thoughts :)

I'm glad that you all liked my last post comparing recovery to a long distance race. Both are tough. Both make you want to die, :P. But in the end it's so worth it :)

I finished SEC's this past weekend, and now I only have nationals to look forward to! First round of the 10k is next Thursday. I'm currently #9 in the East region, and the top 12 out of the 48 that race in the East will go to finals. Coach thinks I have a good shot at making it. I mean, obviously I'm in the top 12 so chances are not too bad, but still.. It's gonna be a super tight race. The #12 time is only around 6 seconds behind me. I've just gotta get out there and race with guts. I can't wait to get on that track and run as hard as I can for 6.2 miles. I've put in the training. I work so hard, and today it just hit me how much I want this.
I'm sorry to say that yes I have binged recently. Last night I was upset with myself thinking over my 5k, *Ok, I know I shouldn't be. I finished 7th in the conference, but I just expected better of myself*, I felt lonely (practically no one is in Starkville), and I don't know.. I guess food was my way of finding comfort. Again, I hadn't eaten enough throughout the day. Hello, Haley! You need to fuel your body so that it doesn't craaave food at 10 P.M.! That's no excuse, though, really.. Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling horrible. Shocker.
I went on my run, though, and as I listened to my inspirational playlist I realized that I cannot move on without forgiveness. So I decided that by the end of the run I was going to let it go. Today is a new day.

It's just really hard because I look in the mirror the day after a binge, like today, and I see such a fat, disgusting girl. I do not see the athletic, beautiful girl I see (or try to see) every other day. 
And I know that these binges are seriously not helping my running. That's a major concern of mine. I beat myself up over the fact that I'm gonna get fat and slow. I didn't PR this past weekend. Is it because I might weigh 2 pounds more than I did the last time I ran a 10k? I say "might" because I don't actually know my weight at the moment. Since I don't meet with Kelly anymore, I don't get weighed.. I'm finding that it's actually a good thing for me to not know the number. I know that I would only obsess over it and try to get it as low as possible, as quickly as possible. Anyway, I ask myself questions like this all the time. 
Me & Renee <3 
So you see there's two sides to this. Part of me wants to restrict and lose the weight that I have gained.
Part of me is fine with not being exactly 115 pounds, but at the same time I wonder if now I weigh too much..? 
My legs are big. My stomach is big. My face is fat.
Your legs are normal looking. No, you don't have a six pack, but you also don't look like a skeleton anymore. Your face isn't gaunt like it used to be. These are all good things.

The good news is that at the moment I am listening to the green words ^. I know that restricting won't do any good, neither will bingeing. I'm still working on that balance.
One of my delish sandwiches :) It may look gross, but it's sooo good. I love veggies!
Days that I don't worry about food I don't binge. Yesterday I was freaking out about what I would eat for lunch, what my snack would be, whether I should eat that extra apple or just wait until dinner. How stupid. I ended up eating tons of Annie's cookies (my fave, btw), 2 yogurts, granola, pretzels, cereal, peanut butter, cashew butter, almond butter, coconut butter, etc.. I just laughed out loud at all of my butters. :) Wow, I am a dork. But I love them. Seriously, my fave food is nut butter. *Don't worry, sweet potatoes, you're a close second. :)
Asian chicken crepe with ginger dressing from a Crepe bar in Athens, GA
Would you believe that this past weekend at SEC's I ate nut butter every day!? I had squeeze packets that I won in a giveaway by Logan, and I used them on my english muffins and on bananas! It was a big deal for me cuz bananas have always been a fear food. And guess what? Did I worry over food this past weekend? No. I didn't restrict. I didn't binge. I was normal. It was wonderful.
Giveaway goodies from Logan. Justin's=delish. And I usually don't like licorice, but this strawberry kind is really good!
Because of strides like this I know that I am making progress in my recovery. The fact that I am allowing myself to be forgiven is also another sign that I am gonna beat this thing! Cuz I mean I won't binge or restrict if I am happy with myself. That's not how it works.

So at the end of the day, I am happy. I am currently watching the Harry Potter marathon my teammates Renee (check out her blog, btw) and Morgan have put on. And I am happy, not thinking about food or weight or how my running is going to suck now that I weigh >120. I am thinking about how I love Ron, and I am not looking forward to this next movie cuz the 6th one really sucks. :) I'm also thinking about all of the progress I've made. I can't wait to keep going. I can't wait til nationals. I can't wait for my life without ED. I can't wait til Harry Potter 7, part 2. I can't wait to kiss Conrad again. I can't wait to cut my hair. I can't wait to see my family again (never thought I'd say that). 
This is what I want. I'm getting it cut Friday or Saturday!! You like?

Life is too good to have such a trivial thing like food keep you in a state of misery and self-loathing.
I for one am tired of it.

P.s. If you could keep my coach (Schmidt) in your prayers I would really appreciate it. He went into cardiac arrest twice at the meet this weekend, and he's having triple bypass open heart surgery on Thursday. I know he can make it. He is one tough, stubborn, wonderful man.
Me and Coach after my 5k at Penn. If it's any excuse for my nastiness, I just PR'd!? :) ha
Okay, so blogger is being dumb. The only reason I am able to post this is cuz I am using Morgan's laptop. For some reason blogger is rejecting my computer. Fun stuff. :( But I will go back and post some pictures as soon as it is working. I have some good eats to show you! Plus a cute pic of me and Conrad & a pic of me and Coach. Most importantly, I need your opinion on the haircut I want!! 

**Just updated with pictures!!** Sorry for the delay!

I hope you all are having a wonderful week.
So much love,
<3 Haley :)


  1. Oh my gosh, I think I'm gonna get my hair cut soon too! I'm having the hardest time figuring out what style I want to get. My hair has been pretty much the same for the past 5 years and I want to try something new. I can't wait to see what you'll do with yours!

    I have the exact same thoughts about my weight. Since I've been home and had access to a scale, I've been on it every day at least once. I freak out so much about fluctuations even though they are so minor (like 1 pound) and I've been in this weight range for awhile. Just knowing the exact number is scary, whether it's lower or higher than usual, so I think it's good that you don't know exactly what you weigh. I'm also looking in the mirror and seeing myself way bigger than I probably am. That's what I hate the most, and I wish I knew what to tell you about how to stop the thoughts other than you are NOT at all fat! You might see that in the mirror but the mirror lies, it's another one of ED's stupid tricks.

    Stay strong girl, and good luck with your next race!

  2. First off, EWWW to Harry Potter
    Second, you are just insane for making it to nationals
    Thirdly, when you said you had squeeze packets of nut butter it made me laugh and flashback to when you used to take a million packets of those creams they have for coffee haha. good times, good times

  3. I LOVE NUT BUTTER TOO! Yet when I try to restrict it I end up eating too much of it. But I am realizing that it's ok to actually love a food, give yourself permission to eat it, and feel no shame about it. Plus, the fats are really good for you as a runner.

    And I know the feeling after a binge of feeling huge and horrible. It is just the worst.

    It's really awesome though to have you to relate with because I feel like we struggle with similar things.

    You're my favorite blogger by the way and I get really excited when I see a new post:)

  4. WOW you are so so amazing!! #9 in the whole of the East?! AMAZING!!! You will ROCK those nationals:)

    And don't forget that those extra pounds are making you stronger=better runner! And forgiving youself is the BIGGEST part of recovery so YAAAAY for you!! You ARE athletic and beautiful with a figure to DIE for so be proud of that! You are so right there is SO MUCH more to life than food obssessions. I mean, come on, HP7 part 2?! Definitely more important, and my life right now is one big countdown to it haha! :P

    Oh nooo I'll pray for your coach- I'm sure he'll recover! And I'm so so happy that you're happy that I could cry :')

    LOVE YOU have an awesome day <3

    P.S. I have loaaads of nut butter every single day and it rocks my world- you definitely need to come to London so we can feast on it together and watch Disney and ruuuun:)

  5. HARRY POTTER YAYAYAYAYAY! I recently read every single book for the millionth time, one after the next.

    I'm not entirely sure what nut butter is...is it like peanut butter? Cus if it is then YUM.

    Also as I've recently started running, I can't believe you can run on little food, I just can't run when I am not well fed.

    I'm right with you on the binges. Binged for the last 3 nights. It's hard, but they aren't the end of the world. Every day is a brand new start.


  6. Angel {{{hugs}}}
    The day after a binge, I can imagine you will see all the faults because you feel so awful inside that it takes it out on what you see outside.
    I am so proud of your fight.
    Love you and hugging you tight xxxx

  7. I def need a haircut too! It's so long, and my split ends have split ends of their own! Lol!

    I like that you've realized you tend to binge when you're worrying about food and what to eat. It's good because knowing that triggers you, will hopefully help you to strive harder to keep those worries out of your mind.

    I haven't even seen the last Harry Potter movie! I use to be so into it and I've read all the books, and I would go see them the first week they were out, but I've really fallen off the wagon so to speak :)

  8. I love the haircut!!! Keep us posted!

    I am sorry for not responding to your post quicker.

    Keep focusing on the positive and ignoring the negative. ED voice is hard to drown out especially in the beginning. Within time, it will get easier.

    ;) Hugs.

  9. Go for the haircut, lovely! I think it would look awesome on you!! Sometimes, I ponder chopping away the locks, but I think that decision requires additional rumination.

    You are making so many strides in your training and recovery. Words cannot express how proud I am of you!

    In Souldiers last night, we discussed "accountability" and what it means. I told them: Well, whenever I give someone advice, I wanna stand by that. I want them to trust me and my words, trusting that I live by the creed I vehemently profess. Which is God's, so you know. And I gave them an example of a friend to whom I speak with quite a bit -- you!

    You, Haley, have helped ME so my much in my recovery that I am not quite sure you realize it. Every time I hang up after our terrific phone calls, I remind myself to "practice what I preach." Clearly, hypocrisy is counterproductive. In the end, it makes us all cognitively dissonant.

    There. You are amazing. I tell you that tirelessly but it never gets old in my book. I'm sure we will talk soon.

    8 Days!!!! Keep it up.
    You can do it!!!

  10. I think you will look amazing with that hair cut!

    Forgiveness is a major step and I'm so proud of you for making such strides in your recovery. Keep fighting!

    And I looove Ron, too! So cute!

  11. It's been so cool seeing your progress in races in just the short amount of time I've been talking with you. Binging is not going to do anything to change the beautiful girl/runner you already are! Six packs are over rated, and meant for body builders anyways, am I right? That sandwich looks amazing btw, and I'm glad you liked the stuff I sent! "Life is too good to have such a trivial thing like food keep you in a state of misery and self-loathing." True that! Who is the only one who can judge you Haley? I think you know the answer to that. Even if you don't like what you see in the mirror, or if other people make comments about how you look? Who are they to judge? I thought god was the in charge of that. And when my life is over, he will be the only to judge me on how I lived my life.

  12. I like the haircut- it's a pretty drastic change from what you have now, but if you like it that's all that matters. It will look really cute and sorta frame your face, plus it should be much cooler for the summer heat :).

    I'll definitely pray for your coach. That's so scary that he went into cardiac arrest at the meet. He looks like a super strong guy from the pics so hopefully all will go well with his surgery!


  13. Just sending all my love. You are making strides whether you can see them or not. I think that those days of worrying about food are going to become fewer and far between before you know it. Keep reminding yourself to fuel consistently throughout the day so that you don't hit the late evening munchies.
    The haircut will look beautiful on you, and I'm sending up prayers for your coach.

  14. Hey Hales!!! I'm so happy to see all the comments you've been getting. You've sure got a load of support from lots and lots of kind people. I Love love love my new haircut. I did something very similar, lots shorter on the sides though. The funny thing is that I've never felt as beautiful as I do now with my short hair. It's a whole new Hayley. Too many women define their femininity with their hair, but our hair is not what makes us beautiful. Letting go of mine was liberating and I hope it's the same for you.

    As for the Yellow thoughts- NO NO NO NO. As for the Green- YES YES YES YES. Don't ever forget to follow your naturally greeeen personality.

    You're strong
    You're independent
    and You're a GOOD PERSON.

    Smile big and keep going.


  15. Hehe had to comment again since I am your stalker and VERY obsessed with YOU (not the other way round just to correct you from before ;)

    LOVE the photos!! Specially when you post ones of you running- so beautiful!! You are such a graceful runner! I want your sandwich and those giveaway goodies!!

    WOW that haircut is so pretty!! Can't wait to see it on you! :D Your hair is so lovely and you have the most gorgeous face I think even if you shaved your head you'd still look as model-esque as you do now:)

  16. u got an award on my blog Haley!!

  17. I just came across your blog from Carrie over at MovesnMunchies. I can completely relate to what you talk about in this post so I felt I couldn't not comment. The 'yellow' & 'green' conversation could have come right out of my own head .. and as you said, I too am listening to the green words, but it's frustrating that the yellow words are even there at all.

    Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath & focus on the big picture in order to drown out the 'yellow' thoughts. It does get easier in time.

    I'm so glad I came across your blog this morning! I'm definitely going to be a regular reader from now on :O)

  18. I KNOW you will make it to the finals!! you are one of the best 10k-ers in the nation. Man, than must feel incredible!

    Keep listening to the green self. That is the only one that makes ANY sense to me. You are gorgeous. You look like a thin, fit, stellar runner. You not longer look sad or disturbing. you are SO. BEAUTIFUL. Even the morning after a "binge". The morning after your body was screaming for you to eat enough to make up for all your hard runs. Don't get mad at your smart, strong, incredible bod!

    wishes for your coach. My high school soccer coach recently passed...it's rough. Coaches are like family.

  19. Hi Haley:)

    I just faound your blog, and Im soo glad I did! You are such a strong girl! This was really inspirational reading to me!
    I yhad a ED for many many years, and still my eating is kind of disordered! I have way to many rules, I have a hard time listening to my body, and I beat myself up for almost anything. I started my blog a few weeks ago to keep myself motivated to stop being so crazy about food! I have found reading blogs like yours so inspirational, and thought having my own could help!

    I will continue reading your blog! You are a great role model, and I cant wait for you to get free from you ED!

    I wish you all the best!

    Lots of love from Norway :)

  20. I can relate to you - how you think (both sides) - so well, really. It's cathartic, actually, to be able to write about this sort of thing, don't you think?
    Your decision to embrace forgiveness is so inspirational. It's so hard to decide - enough is enough - and just treat the self with love & compassion. Odd, but would a person ever beat a friend up about being too fat? Never. But it's so easy to self-punish, self-loath, ,etc.
    I actually just read a really good & refreshing book that opened my eyes to another way of looking at the world. Basically, in the book the main character comes to a realization that yes, bad things happen...but it's how we interpret what has happened that gives something 'meaning'. For instance, if one person gets a B on a test, they may be very happy, whereas someone else may be near tears (this principle can be applied to almost anything). Of course there are some situations that are inherently more upsetting or more happy than others, but the extent of the meaning & the reaction is UP TO US. It was so freeing. But it's also hard because I don't want to 'lower my expectations'...you know? But part of it is learning to be DETACHED to a certain extent and just let things be & be able to observe them without judgement...whew..
    On a brighter note, I cannot WAIT until HP 7 pt 2. So damn excited.