I finished SEC's this past weekend, and now I only have nationals to look forward to! First round of the 10k is next Thursday. I'm currently #9 in the East region, and the top 12 out of the 48 that race in the East will go to finals. Coach thinks I have a good shot at making it. I mean, obviously I'm in the top 12 so chances are not too bad, but still.. It's gonna be a super tight race. The #12 time is only around 6 seconds behind me. I've just gotta get out there and race with guts. I can't wait to get on that track and run as hard as I can for 6.2 miles. I've put in the training. I work so hard, and today it just hit me how much I want this.
I'm sorry to say that yes I have binged recently. Last night I was upset with myself thinking over my 5k, *Ok, I know I shouldn't be. I finished 7th in the conference, but I just expected better of myself*, I felt lonely (practically no one is in Starkville), and I don't know.. I guess food was my way of finding comfort. Again, I hadn't eaten enough throughout the day. Hello, Haley! You need to fuel your body so that it doesn't craaave food at 10 P.M.! That's no excuse, though, really.. Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling horrible. Shocker.
I went on my run, though, and as I listened to my inspirational playlist I realized that I cannot move on without forgiveness. So I decided that by the end of the run I was going to let it go. Today is a new day.
It's just really hard because I look in the mirror the day after a binge, like today, and I see such a fat, disgusting girl. I do not see the athletic, beautiful girl I see (or try to see) every other day.
And I know that these binges are seriously not helping my running. That's a major concern of mine. I beat myself up over the fact that I'm gonna get fat and slow. I didn't PR this past weekend. Is it because I might weigh 2 pounds more than I did the last time I ran a 10k? I say "might" because I don't actually know my weight at the moment. Since I don't meet with Kelly anymore, I don't get weighed.. I'm finding that it's actually a good thing for me to not know the number. I know that I would only obsess over it and try to get it as low as possible, as quickly as possible. Anyway, I ask myself questions like this all the time.
So you see there's two sides to this. Part of me wants to restrict and lose the weight that I have gained.
Part of me is fine with not being exactly 115 pounds, but at the same time I wonder if now I weigh too much..?
My legs are big. My stomach is big. My face is fat.
Your legs are normal looking. No, you don't have a six pack, but you also don't look like a skeleton anymore. Your face isn't gaunt like it used to be. These are all good things.
The good news is that at the moment I am listening to the green words ^. I know that restricting won't do any good, neither will bingeing. I'm still working on that balance.
Days that I don't worry about food I don't binge. Yesterday I was freaking out about what I would eat for lunch, what my snack would be, whether I should eat that extra apple or just wait until dinner. How stupid. I ended up eating tons of Annie's cookies (my fave, btw), 2 yogurts, granola, pretzels, cereal, peanut butter, cashew butter, almond butter, coconut butter, etc.. I just laughed out loud at all of my butters. :) Wow, I am a dork. But I love them. Seriously, my fave food is nut butter. *Don't worry, sweet potatoes, you're a close second. :)
|Asian chicken crepe with ginger dressing from a Crepe bar in Athens, GA|
Would you believe that this past weekend at SEC's I ate nut butter every day!? I had squeeze packets that I won in a giveaway by Logan, and I used them on my english muffins and on bananas! It was a big deal for me cuz bananas have always been a fear food. And guess what? Did I worry over food this past weekend? No. I didn't restrict. I didn't binge. I was normal. It was wonderful.
|Giveaway goodies from Logan. Justin's=delish. And I usually don't like licorice, but this strawberry kind is really good!|
Because of strides like this I know that I am making progress in my recovery. The fact that I am allowing myself to be forgiven is also another sign that I am gonna beat this thing! Cuz I mean I won't binge or restrict if I am happy with myself. That's not how it works.
So at the end of the day, I am happy. I am currently watching the Harry Potter marathon my teammates Renee (check out her blog, btw) and Morgan have put on. And I am happy, not thinking about food or weight or how my running is going to suck now that I weigh >120. I am thinking about how I love Ron, and I am not looking forward to this next movie cuz the 6th one really sucks. :) I'm also thinking about all of the progress I've made. I can't wait to keep going. I can't wait til nationals. I can't wait for my life without ED. I can't wait til Harry Potter 7, part 2. I can't wait to kiss Conrad again. I can't wait to cut my hair. I can't wait to see my family again (never thought I'd say that).
|This is what I want. I'm getting it cut Friday or Saturday!! You like?|
Life is too good to have such a trivial thing like food keep you in a state of misery and self-loathing.
I for one am tired of it.
P.s. If you could keep my coach (Schmidt) in your prayers I would really appreciate it. He went into cardiac arrest twice at the meet this weekend, and he's having triple bypass open heart surgery on Thursday. I know he can make it. He is one tough, stubborn, wonderful man.
Okay, so blogger is being dumb. The only reason I am able to post this is cuz I am using Morgan's laptop. For some reason blogger is rejecting my computer. Fun stuff. :( But I will go back and post some pictures as soon as it is working. I have some good eats to show you! Plus a cute pic of me and Conrad & a pic of me and Coach. Most importantly, I need your opinion on the haircut I want!!
**Just updated with pictures!!** Sorry for the delay!
I hope you all are having a wonderful week.
So much love,
<3 Haley :)