Monday, January 31, 2011


Wow, I cannot believe I am twenty freaking years old today.
Why am I so old?
Life goes on. Or as Kurt Vonnegut writes, "So it goes.." :)

Anyway, I have had one craaazy weekend.
Everyone on my team read the blog post where I talked about lonely, and many of them expressed that they felt hurt by it because they consider themselves a friend of mine. I wasn't saying I don't have friends, though. I was just stating that I wish I would get the random text message asking me to go to dinner or to come over and watch a movie. That sort of thing, ya know? It happens once in a blue moon, but it's so rare..
So yea, everyone also read what I wrote about my roommate in a totally different manner than was my intention when writing it. I found out when I came home from my meet Saturday night about how several people on the team had been talking about me and my blog, saying how low and harsh I was & that they couldn't believe that I could be so cruel.
I cried for so long in Connor's arms when he told me this news. I had already posted the blog apologizing for my words, but apparently that went unnoticed. Oh well, it's my fault for bringing up past events in the first place.
The last thing I needed, though, was to feel even more alone. This did just that. I felt like everyone hated me. And that's jut my personality since developing ED, anyway, to doubt what others think of me and how I feel about myself.

Sunday, though, I woke up and headed to church. Connor had spent the night, and he was already at Sunday school. I decided that I needed God. I can't do this on my own. That's so me, to think that I can fix everything. But that's not the way it works. God has shown me time and time again that I can only make it in this world through Him.
Connor didn't end up staying for church service, so it was kinda funny cuz I passed him on his way back from church as I was headed that way. At first this made me doubt my decision of going. I wouldn't have anyone to sit with.. It might be uncomfortable..
Who cares? This is about my relationship with God, no one else. So I went.
The sermon wasn't the greatest, but I read a good bit from my Bible, and I really enjoyed my Sunday morning.
I felt so much confident and relieved when I walked out those doors than when I had entered them that morning. I knew that God was on my side, and we'd get through this together. Plus Connor, my friends back home, and my family are all very supportive.

So yesterday I waited on my roommate to get home, and I explained to her that I meant absolutely no harm in my words on my blog. I didn't even know anyone reads this thing other than those of you also recovering from ED *I love y'all, btw :)*. So I was shocked in the first place to find out that it had caused such a scandal. Nonetheless, she had read it and didn't know what to make of it. I almost burst into tears again telling her how very sorry I was and how much I wished I could have taken back the whole post.
She was very calm and understanding about it all. I rambled for a good thirty minutes or so, but I think she got my point that I have absolutely nothing against her at the moment, and I wouldn't want to do anything to cause distance between the two of us. No, I don't expect us to be best friends, but I like where our relationship has been heading lately. We're very civil and respectful towards each other.
So she said she's fine for dropping it if I am, and that was the best news I could have hoped for.

Yes, I still feel bad. I'm just so hard on myself that it's hard to let big mistakes like this go. But I'm trying to go with the 'let go, let God' philosophy.
It's also hard because I guess many of my teammates see me differently, and I want to have these in-depth conversations explaining myself to each of them, too. But honestly, that's neither plausible nor necessary. They weren't the ones I hurt. This was between my roommate and I, and that matter is settled.
Pretty colors :)

This morning we had a long run, and my teammate Dom and I started early because we both have an 8:00 class. It was such a great way to start my birthday. No worries, no pressure. No one watching.
Short sleeves, shorts, and trainers on January 31st. Is that not crazy? It's never been so warm on my birthday. I think it was mid-fifties on my run this morning. Love it.
Anyway, we did a 30 minute tempo run at 6:15ish pace in the middle of our run cuz that's what Coach had Dom doing, and she asked if I would join her. I in turn asked Coach, and he said it was fine, so I was excited. I love running fast for long periods of time. I did 93 minutes this morning, the most I've done in a month. I can't wait to run 100 minutes next Monday. :) I'm a running dork, I know.

Speaking of running, 0 achilles pain! Yay! I ran the 3k at Kentucky this weekend. My race wasn't until 5:20, so it kinda sucked that I was having to wait around all day, especially since we left the day before at 6 A.M., so the anxiety had been building for a while. Before the race, Coach Schmidt (my coach last year and the head athletic director of T&F this year) said, "Ok, ready to break some MSU records?" I'm like, uhhh.. I had done ONE speed workout before this race. I did not feel fast, not gonna lie.
So I go to the start line. I'm ready. I have my freshly applied lip gloss and my just-popped-in Extra Peppermint gum.
My racing gum
I have way too many of these. But I need lipgloss before I run. I know; I'm strange.
Of course he says, "To your mark," in which we on the outside lanes are supposed to step up to the line before he shoots the gun. Before we even get a chance to, though, the gun is fired. I'm cramped between 7 or so girls all trying to stay in these 3 lanes and get out as quickly as they can. Of course I get crushed and trip on the professional runner's shoe.
haha, I'm retarded.
I apologize to everyone, even though they're much more concerned about my well-being than restarting the race, and then we start again.

Man, it feels so great to race again. I was planning on hitting 80 splits for my 400's to get a 3k time of 10:00, but I came through the first lap at 74 feeling awesome. Of course the pro was a century ahead of me, but other than that I led the rest of the race until lap five. My splits were around 77-78 consistently, and I was so relaxed. When the girl passed me, I didn't freak out. I knew I could get her. I waited and stayed right with her until two laps to go. This was on a 290 meter track, so the race was fairly close to being over. My coach was cheering so loud I could hear him all the way across the track. He was jumping by the time I got around to him. I love that man, haha.
Unfortunately, I was passed in the last 150 or so meters by a Kenyan girl from WKU that just whizzed by me. It surprised me, mostly. Anyway, I got third place, and the WKU girl and I were closing in fast on the professional runner, too. My time was 9:44, so there is no complaining there. Next race I definitely want to go low 9:30's, though, if not faster. It's in two weeks, and I'm excited. :)
Yes, I got passed in the end, but I was happy with the race. :) It was fun. Seriously fun. 
I'm in white, and the girl on the left is the one that passed me with 5 laps to go..
The Kenyan in the back is the second place winner. Hey, she ran a smart race. What can I say?
Another thing: the professional girl. I see her before we start the race. Wow. Skinny. Really skinny. And of course, I'm like, ahh.. I've never raced at this weight. This pro is ridiculously thin. Her uniform top hangs off of her. It's not supposed to do that. And look at me, I weigh more than I did in cross country, when I had such a good season. But then I look at my coach (Coach Franks). He is always telling us that low weight doesn't mean fast times. Sometimes it can mean the opposite. I need to fuel my body. So I see his serious pre-race face, and I know that he has confidence in me. Heck, I have confidence in me. It doesn't matter how much I weigh. I know I'm strong. So I went to that start line knowing that ED wasn't going to affect my race. It's a great feeling telling those thoughts to eff off. 

Oh, btw, I also did wonderful the rest of the weekend with eating, too. Many of my teammates ran the mile race at 1:20 on Saturday, but like I said, I didn't race until 5:20 P.M. So they didn't eat lunch. They had to wait til after their races, and most of them raced again at 3:40. So for a second I hesitated with lunch because it's always been hard for me to eat when others are not. However, I had my bagel with PB&Co's Dark Chocolate Dreams peanut butter on one half, cream cheese on the other (We had to be at the meet at 11 A.M., so we didn't stop for lunch anywhere. I packed this from home the day before. *Always prepared ;)*). I also had my pretzels, gatorade, and an apple. And look how well I ran!
My teammate/friend Chloe and I joked that it was the peanut butter that made us fast because we both had bagels with the dark chocolate pb for breakfast that morning, and we both set new personal records. She ran a 4:56 mile. Yea, what a beast :)

This is a random picture I took the other night after eating some with pretzels. I figured I'd soon write about it on here, and what do ya know? I did! Conrad actually bought this jar for me. What a sweet boyfriend. :)
If you've never had this, you've never lived. Go out and buy some now. Seriously. So delicious.
Ok, so wow, this is a LONG post. Umm.. I will post tomorrow about my birthday presents and how my birthday went since the night is still young. Connor and I are going to Old Venice (our fave Italian place) for dinner, and then we're going to Local Culture for frozen yogurt. I also think we're going to rent the movie Easy A. He's seen it, and he really enjoyed it and thought I would, as well. 

So glad to have posted tonight. It feels great to 'online journal' again.
I've missed it this past couple days. I always feel relieved after this.
Oh, also, I meet with my therapist tomorrow. It's literally been two months since we've talked. Kinda nervous. 
Ok, so that's it. I'll stop writing now. 
If you read all this, you are either a wonderful person for caring so much about my life or you have no life yourself ;) haha just kidding.. I love reading blogs. I am a huge blog following dork.

I'm ready for some pasta, froyo, and spending time with the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. :)
<3 Haley

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Let's look at the bright side, shall we? :)

So, if you read my last post, you can see that I am kinda lonely at the moment other than the time I spend with Conrad.
However, I wrote all of that at a time when I was very upset and emotional. Yes, I wish I were closer to people here in college, but I do still have friends. I have some that really care about me, and that's rude and unfair for me not to take them into account. I guess it's just that I don't have that best friend connection that I yearn for. Maybe I even push people away because I know they can't give this to me. I feel like I kinda do. 

Also, I said some pretty nasty things about my roommate. I know that we're not on the best of terms at the moment, but at least she isn't being mean to me anymore. There's really nothing wrong between us at the time other than the fact that we're not friends. But that's fine; I mean, we can be in the same room as each other now, at least. I don't necessarily need her friendship as much as I do need her to be an acquaintance and teammate who doesn't loathe me. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't.
I guess the reason I went off on that little tangent last night is because I feel like I put all of my stock into that friendship, and it all went to shambles. It just saddens me..
However, that's not right of me to start reminiscing on the past in that way, bringing up bad memories and emotions for myself. It's over and done, and there's nothing I can do to change it now.
All in all, I feel like a horrible person for bringing all of it up and for making such harsh comments. I don't consider myself to be a mean person at all. And I feel horrible for feeling and writing some of the things I did.

I'm working on being a better person this year. I know that sounds like a vague and strange resolution, but no one can say that it's not a good one! I feel like I used to be considered this goofy, selfless, obnoxiously happy girl who wouldn't stop smiling or talking.
Now I'm somewhat of an introvert. Ever since I developed ED, I've been much more concerned with myself and my own issues. I hate this.

Anyway, now that that is off my chest, I feel a little better. I've been feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders ever since last night. The only way I'll do better in the future is by learning from my mistakes and knowing when to focus on my own issues rather than blaming others.
So from now on, I'm maintaining this positive attitude. I love it.

I was in the athletic academic building tonight printing off some papers for school and the old man that swipes our cards started talking to me after a while about how I had a pretty name. This led to us talking about where we're from, what we do with our lives, etc..
At one point he said, "Oh, I'll let you go back to studying now. I'm sorry to have been distracting you this whole time." I replied, "Oh no, you're fine. I'm just printing off some recipes here!"
This led to a conversation on my thoughts on double majoring in both Secondary Education-English as well as Nutrition. It's something I've been thinking about for a while, but seriously this semester. I know that if I want to do it I have to decide soon. I'm already way behind for the Nutrition major, so I'd have to take summer school and load up on intro classes next semester, as well.
But I want to do it. I feel like God is telling me that this is the right path. I don't really understand why because it is definitely not the easiest one, but I feel like I've got to go for it. A chance to change your life like this doesn't come around.. well, ever.
It's just scary that I have to decide my future NOW.
I'm not crazy about that :/

Oh yea, so anyway, the man (whose name is Cal, btw) tells me that I should do it because I seem very passionate in the subject, and he thinks I'd be great at whatever I aspire to be.
Wow. I don't even know this man. And he's here telling me that my smile lights up the room and that I have a love for life that is so great to see. Wow. This is the Haley I'm used to people seeing. It was so great to get this boost in confidence from Cal. I mean, I know we had only met twenty minutes previously, but I feel like that was another God thing.
It was Him telling me that I'm a better person than I think, sometimes. Tonight it was much needed. I was feeling horrible and ashamed of myself after the last blog post and about my workout, too. But who cares? All of that is in the past. I can only live in the present

Good quote. I need to remind myself of this ^; apparently I keep forgetting. :P

So I did run the workout today. 8x800's with 2 minutes rest.
2:36, 2:48, 2:36, 2:50, 2:37, 2:45, 2:35, 2:47
The wind was KILLER on numbers 2,4,6,&8. We ran straight down this road that leads to one of the farms that our team runs on, so we were either helped by the wind or tremendously hurt by it. And it definitely didn't seem to be helping as much as it hurt, ha.
Afterwards, I did that thing where I'm like, blahh. I suck. Every other one was horrible.
Grr, shut up.
This isn't just how low self-confidence starts, but this is how ED gets a hold of me.
If I were thinner I'd be running faster right now.
But hey, I barely allow myself even a second to think these things, anymore. I'm getting so strong in my talking back to ED. I'm actually not afraid to say that I'm proud of myself. :)

This week I'm trying to focus far less on calories since I'm planning on doing the "intuitive eating" thing and dropping my food log.
We'll see how it goes.
So far I've been way down after I eat my nutritious, balanced dinner, which saddens & frustrates me :/
It means I have to eat a lot after dinner, which I don't like doing because it scares me that I'm going to binge.
I've been good lately, though. I'm getting food in at night, but I'm definitely not gorging myself, either. As long as I don't restrict, I'm much less likely to binge. So today when I wanted that apple and those grapes even though I had just had a snack, I ate them anyway. Heck, it's fruit. It's not even like I'm eating two more bowls of ice cream, which, if I was in the "bingeing" mood, I wouldn't think twice about. So yea, we'll see how the rest of the week goes!

To wrap things up, I hope that you don't judge me based on my last post. I was bitter and jarring. That's not me.
I'm going to focus on being happy and healthy along with living in the here and now. I am also focusing on being happy with who I am, not who I was or who I want to be.
And once again, thank you all for the comments. I love them.
Sorry this post was so long and ramblyyy. Yes, I know that's not a word ;)
I hope everyone has a great week! It's almost over! We're past hump day! :)
<3 Haley

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

No friends here

So lately I've really been thinking about the fact that I'm lonely here in my college town..
Yes, I have Connor. And he IS great. Some of the comments I've been getting about us being a sweet couple have really touched me, btw. Thank you :)
Unfortunately, though, I feel like I need more than one friend in life.
Of course I do have many friends. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. It's just that they're all at home or at their own universities. I feel so isolated here.

I felt like this at the beginning of the year last year, too. When I first came to college I was expecting to create the tight as a knot friendships that I had back home. That didn't really happen..
With cross country and track it was kind of hard to meet new people and find the time to hang out with them. So I ended up mostly hanging out with my team. I wasn't the best of friends with them, but I found a little group of girls and we pretty much stuck together.

Still, I'm lacking in friendships. I don't know whether it's my obnoxious personality or my eating disorder or my OCD tendencies, but I just don't have anyone here I'm close with. Everytime I think I'm going to become good friends with someone, the bond fades.. We're both 'busy'. Something always comes up.

My birthday is in six days. I have no one to celebrate with.
Yes, I'm probably gonna go out to eat with Connor.
My teammates will probably all say nice things and wish me a happy birthday.
But I don't have anyone I really want to spend the day with other than my boyfriend. This worries me.
It makes me doubt myself, who I am, and who I am becoming.
ED wants to take hold since I have nothing else in my life worth pursuing at the moment.
At least I can count on my ED to be my friend, to be there for me when I'm feeling lonely/depressed/uncomfortable. That's what the ED wants me to think.

But I know I've gotta push away those thoughts. I've been down that road, and ED doesn't make me any happier. I'm no stronger, sweeter, prettier, or smarter with ED. It just masks my true personality while the real Haley hides behind this skeleton of a body, one with no soul and no longing for life.

I just wish there was an easier way. I miss my friends back home. I wish I had friends here *good ones* (I do have them here, sorry if I'm acting as if I'm a total social pariah. I just don't have a best friend. I miss that).

So I'll spend the night immersed in my book, living a fantasy life through Salander and Blomkvist.

Connor's coming over soon, too. Hopefully I'll lose the self-pity thing I've got going on. I'm sorry this blog post is so dreary :/ *kinda like our weather today. It was rainy and dark and gross, blah*

P.s. I saw Kelly (nutritionist) yesterday. I only need to maintain weight now. Good thing. I am also working on eating when I'm hungry rather than waiting until my designated snack or meal time. I tend to do that. I'm focusing less on calories this week and more on fueling my body when it needs it with healthy foods. But if I want a cookie every now and then, I'm going to have a cookie.
The only way to stop the bingeing is to stop the restricting.
I want to be full again. 
Like my pun? ^ :)

I'm already feeling much better. I don't know how writing one paragraph can do that to you, but yea.. I hope you all have a great week. Thank you so much for the inspiring comments. They mean so much.

Oh, also I'm running again! 70 minutes yesterday painfree! *And at a pretty fast pace, too*. I ran with my Coach, and we were just grinding it out. I was so excited to be out there again.
I did a recovery run today, and I have a track workout tomorrow. If all goes well I'm supposed to be going to Kentucky Friday morning to compete in the indoor 3k race this Saturday. I'll keep you all updated as to how it's looking!
<3 Haley

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Scared to confront my own feelings..

I think the reason that I haven't blogged in so long can be found in the title of this post. Yes, I've been busy. Yet, I've found the time to read other's posts and comment on those.. I've also found the time to finish 2 discs of Friends, season 9 within 3 days. I've been exercising like crazy, and reading a good bit, as well.

I don't really know where to start. I mean, it's been a whole week since I've posted. Actually, I'm looking through my food blog right now so that I can remember what all has happened these past seven days.
Well, I saw Kelly (nutritionist) Monday morning. I went to see her at 9:30 A.M. before my 10:00 practice (We were out of school due to MLK Jr. day). I texted my coach and told him I'd be late because of it, and he was fine with that since I'm only cross training now, anyway. So I woke up Monday, ate a Kashi cereal bar, put on my one tennis shoe and my ugly boot, and headed out the door.
On my way, I tried to drink plenty of water. It's pretty much a ritual of mine. Especially throughout the fall, I knew that my weight would probably be too low for Kelly's standards, so I'd try to go through my whole Gatorade bottle before I reached the hospital. I don't drink quite that much water now, but I still do drink a good bit when I'm nervous over what the scale will read..
So I walk in, take off the boot, put on my other tennis shoe and step on the scale. I weigh 1.2 lbs less than I did the week before..
I grimace, and say, "I knew this would happen.." It's true.
I had been restrictive and really weird with food the whole week previous because I felt that I was too lax over Christmas, and now was the time to make up for it.
Part of me was like, look! I can do it! I know how to lose weight, after all. I had been feeling as if I was just going to keep gaining and gaining without knowing how to stop.. Ridiculous, right?

The other *sane* part of me was disappointed, though.
After all, I've been reading all of these really encouraging pro-recovery blogs, and I've been so motivated to develop a normal relationship with food.
I felt like a failure, like a poser.
Haley, I thought you wanted to get better?
I do.. it's just..
STOP. This is where I need to stop myself. Anorexia is never ok. It doesn't matter if I felt like I had a past couple months. That doesn't make it okay for me to restrict myself today.
I don't want to use this eating disorder as my coping mechanism anymore. My blogger friend Liz had some great words to say about the matter in her last post.
I've gotta stop being so freaking scared to face my own emotions. Same with this blog. The reason I haven't posted: I don't want to deal with myself. I'm scared of what might come out of me delving into my feelings.

Anyway, this past week has been better. Kelly said on Monday that if I didn't gain weight this week she was going to tell Coach Franks (my track coach at MSU), and he would reduce my mileage. Now, Coach Franks has known about my ED since he became my head coach in August. However, he hasn't heard of any digression in my progress in the past few months, so I know that this would disappoint him as well as my athletic trainer Katie. It disappoints everyone who hears it, actually, including myself.
So, this week I have been eating more and trying to view food as my friend rather than my foe. Not my BEST friend, mind you, but a friend, nonetheless.

I made sugar cookies for my roommate's birthday on Wednesday. That was fun. I told myself I wouldn't eat ANY. I had already had too much of the dough. Yea right, I only had like half of a teaspoon of the stuff.
Please excuse how heinous I look.
P.s. I used this picture as an example to Connor of how fat I've gotten. I need to stop this nonsense.

Sugar cookies with a strawberry jelly/cream cheese royal icing. I experimented a bunch. :)
Due to this restriction, when the time came that everyone was eating the cookies (we had our neighbors over to celebrate with us), I ended up splurging and had four! I know that may not seem like an ungodly amount, but the way that it happened scares me. I had one in front of everyone. I also had a slice of cake. Yes, I felt somewhat pressured by my teammates surrounding me to eat normally. But I did it, anyway. Screw you, ED.
Then when they all left, I had another cookie. Ooh, and I'll have some more icing, too. How about another slice of cake? Yea, and another cookie can't hurt. Four cookies, 2 slices of cake, and far too much icing later, I'm feeling out of control. Thank goodness Connor walks in the door to hang out with me when he does; otherwise I feel like I would have eaten the whole plateful of cookies and half of the cake by myself in less than twenty minutes.

Ok, so this post is getting long. I won't go too much in detail about the rest of my week other than by saying that the next day I had 600 less than recommended for me to maintain my weight. Not good, especially on a week when I'm supposed to be gaining.. And then this weekend I did well because we had some recruits in for the weekend, and I had to eat out with the team multiple times.

Last night was fun. We went to my favorite burger place here in town. I'm not actually very big on burgers or any kind of meat other than grilled chicken or fish, but I do LOVE their peanut butter burger. Sounds gross, but trust me, it is to die for. I even wanted fries (theirs are sooo good), so I got them. This was a decision I was so happy with. I couldn't tell you the last time I had allowed myself to eat those things.
Connor and I at Mugshot's last night before our meal!
No, we did not mean to match, yet we were both wearing obnoxious purple. ha
I ordered my extra pb to dip the fries in, and it was just too good. I ate the whole burger. Plus the fries. Good thing, too, since before dinner I still needed 1500 calories to reach my 2500 cal maintaining goal.
I think I went a little too far off the deep end, though, because one of my recruits didn't eat her whole burger and I was reallyyy craving just a couple more bites. I took the rest of hers, split it, and gave 2/3 of it to Connor while I ate the rest. I also took some of her fries. I used my whole container of extra pb, plus some of Connor's, plus most of an accidental third dipping pb container we were given. A little excessive. I'm pretty positive I had at least 2000 calories in that meal, alone.

Grr, I am SO TIRED of this All or Nothing thing. It needs to stop.
Today I have been a little too restrictive due to last night, I guess. I haven't been consciously thinking of last night's episode as the reason for this, but I know that's why.. Also because I'm scared. Like I said before.
I went to the gym today and ellipticalled. I did a 15 minute warmup, a workout consisting of 6 minutes hard and 1 minute easy x6, and then a 15 minute cooldown. That's around 70 minutes of running.
I should have stopped, but this time I was consciously remembering last night, so I continued on for another 20 minutes to make it an even 90 minutes.
Then I did pushups and sittups.
Today's workout is pretty similar to the rest of my week's, as well. I've been running/biking/ellipticalling so hard. I don't want to lose my fitness. I don't want to become some fat bum.
Yes, I want to be a great runner. Yes, I would exercise hardcore even if I didn't have disordered thinking. However, sometimes the two are hard to distinguish as of late. I hate it.
Stupid elliptical
As far as my injury goes, I have been out of the boot for the past three days and I have been allowed to do very short runs the past few days, as well. The reason I ellipticalled today instead of running is because my trainer said I'm not allowed to run outside today if I want her to even consider letting me run the long run tomorrow.
I'm not going to be able to do the whole 90 minutes with the team, let alone the 105 that I would be doing if I wasn't injured, but I will be allowed to do 70 & that is fine by me! I'm just excited to be able to run.

I'm glad I've blogged tonight. I know I've said a lot, and I don't blame you if you didn't read the whole thing. I doubt I would. If you have, give yourself a pat on the back.
No seriously, do it.
Doesn't this make you feel like you're in elementary school? *I just patted my own back, btw, so I expect you to have done so, as well!*
I'm glad that we can go back to our roots for a second. When things were much simpler.
Well actually, my life was still pretty shitty in elementary school, too. But that's for another day, ha.

Like I was saying, I'm glad I blogged. It holds me accountable by allowing me to look at my behaviors and feelings from an outsider's perspective.

Also, I LOVE your comments. They seriously make my day. So feel free to leave some if you wish :)
I hope everyone is doing as well/better than I am right now.
I'll blog soon. And it won't be so long. Promise :)

P.s. I also made blueberry & blueberry chocolate chip muffins yesterday morning that my boys track team absolutely raved over. I'm sad I didn't take any pictures while they were still around. :/ Oh well, I'll make something else soon!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Never thought I'd be happy in the boot.. Good thing I can be wrong *sometimes* ;)

Ok so it feels like it's been a while since I've posted! Guess what? I'm still in this boot :/
But the good news is, my life ISN'T running. Neither is it restricting my eating. How are these things supposed to define me?
It's annoying that I'm seen as Haley, the runner. Haley, the anorexic.

Yes, I've always been known as the athletic one. But I was also known as the crazy, funny, strange, and hyper one. Anorexia took that away from me. My obsession with running in order to lose weight also took away my original passion from my sport.
So I'm getting it back. And I'm gonna find a balance. Yes, I want to run. Yes, I want to go to SEC Championships and absolutely tear up that track. But if this doesn't happen, my life isn't going to end.
Same with eating. I want to maintain a healthy diet so that I can fuel my body. But if I end up having a little too much peanut butter with my pretzels or if I end up putting one too many scoops of ice cream in my dish, my world isn't going to topple over.
I hate that I see things in black and white. All or nothing. I want to see the gray. I want to see the in between. I'm getting there. Just gotta have patience! :)

Anywayyy, enough with the vague inspirational talk. This past week has been ok eating wise.
Oh yea, let me tell you something!
So yesterday morning I was in the football weight room doing my bike workout, and a couple of the MSU football players come in. They know me from last year when I kinda hung out with a few of them. I tend to stay away from them as a whole now just because they're not the best of people. I know that's stereotyping a group of people as unworthy of my attention, but rumors were started last year about me from this group of guys, and if I can't be friends with a few of them without stuff like that happening, then I can't spend much time with any of them.
Anyway, like I said, the football players came in, and one of them gives me the nod and a half smile. I'm like, hi, yea.. I'm dying on this bike, but sure, hi.
I noticed that he's been looking me up and down. As he leaves he says, "You gone and put on some weight, huh?" with a smile on his face.
Honestly, he probably meant this in a most positive way. Black guys like "thick" girls. They loved my body last year. Big butt. Big hips. Yumyum ;P
So he was probably giving me his idea of a compliment by saying that I have put on a few pounds. But still.. who says that? I don't want to hear that.
It made me bike faster. It made me mad! Immediately my ED said, "SEE! You need to watch what you're eating Haley! You're letting yourself get by with far too much. You've gotta get yourself under control again."
No. Shut up. 
This made me bike even faster. Stupid ED. I don't want to listen to you. I'm happier than ever, and I don't care that part of me hates not being able to take comfort in the fact that I'm burning 800+ calories a day and only eating 1500 or less. It's not worth it. I don't want my life to revolve around my next meal. It used to be all I could think about, worry about. How silly.

Connor and I went out for frozen yogurt last night. It was scary for me, which I don't like. Late last semester it would have been no big deal. But now it's hard. Whaaat? Why?
Anyway, once we got to Local Culture, the fear washed away. I saw all the different flavors and toppings, and I was just happy to be able to eat whatever I wanted. :)
We got two big cups of froyo. The first was blueberry tart+cake batter twist and strawberry yogurts with blueberries on top.
The second cup was peanut butter+white chocolate mousse twist, triple chocolate, and banana with a sprinkle of pecan pieces.
We also added pretzels to these concoctions, but we were cheaters and brought our own because we didn't wanna pay for the weight of the pretzels when we already had some! (You pay by the ounce).
The first was definitely the best because of the cake batter. Yuummmm.
The second was really good, but I don't think I had enough peanut butter. And the banana was too fruity, so it took away from the savory taste we were going for.
Ha, too much info about my frozen yogurts! Anyway, the point is we had 10 oz. each (not including pretzels), and I was satisfied without feeling guilty or stuffed like I do after bingeing. Big deal for me :)
This picture is just one from their website. It's not a pic of mine and Conrad's froyo. Although we didn't fill ours up quite that much, we did get our fair share of yummy deliciousness in these huge cups :)
We also went to our favorite Italian place for dinner Friday night. It was funny cuz it seemed to be taking us a long time to go through our two pastas at the beginning of the dinner (I think because we were talking so much), so the waitress brought us a to go box. By the time she came back, we had devoured both dishes plus our second loaf of bread that we were dipping in the olive oil. "And she doubted us.. Puh-lease" :) -quote from Conrad (Connor's nickname, in case you were wondering..) haha
P.s. Connor and I always order two dishes and split them. Friday night we were seated in a booth, and I ended up just coming over to his side so that we could pick off of each dish without reaching across the table. Haha, do any of you do that? Is that strange? ;) Probably, but so what. I like variety, and I am terrible at deciding on what to order, so we always go 50/50. :)

Moving along, I have my second nutritionist appointment of the year coming up tomorrow morning. I'm gonna be a little late for practice because of it, but Kelly won't get in until 9:30 (Practice is at 10), and if I push it back then it will have to be after lunch which would change my weight. So yea.. Plus, I doubt I'm going to be able to run, anyway. The doctor said I could try to run Monday if my foot looks better. I hate to admit it, but my achilles is still slightly swollen. It's been 6 days! 7, tomorrow. How in the world do I still have a fat achilles? Oh well. Positive thoughts. At least I can bike! I'm not losing too much fitness, if any at all. On the bike, you have a workout every day, not just on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays like you do when you're running. So I should be fine.

Back to my nutritionist appointment, I'm somewhat worried that I'm going to hear that I lost weight this week :/ I burn so many calories with running that Kelly wants me eating SO much. It's just hard to convince myself sometimes that I really need all of that. Ya know? Sometimes I compare myself to normal people, and I'm like, hey.. They're eating salad for lunch! Why can't I? I need to stop comparing. It doesn't help anything. These people aren't me. They don't have a disease which makes them lose hair, remain constantly cold, and hate being around others. I hate this disease. Have I ever mentioned that?

So yea, I'll let you know how tomorrow goes, both with running and with my nutritionist appointment. Let's pray it goes well. I want it to all work out so badly; but if it doesn't, no worries. Life will go on. I'll keep smiling. I'll continue to get better, gain confidence, and love myself.

P.s. Check out this Dove commercial/PSA. I love it. We ALL need to stop comparing ourselves to others while setting unrealistic expectations for what we should and shouldn't be.
We're all beautiful.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

In a boot: 24/7

So right now I'm laying down in my bed watching Worst Cooks in America on Food Network. What am I wearing you may ask? *haha, just kidding.. if you're wondering that, then you're a freak ;)*
I'm wearing this stupid boot. A boot on my right foot. And I have to keep it on 24/7 at least until Monday. The only time I can take it off is when I shower or bike. I even have to sleep in the dang thing!

The good thing is that I had 2 MRI's today (I'll explain in a sec), and the doctor told me that it's just inflammation and a lot of fluid surrounding the calf and achilles, not a tear. This is great news. It means I have a much shorter recovery time, and with proper rest and treatment I should be able to try running on Monday! :) I was hoping to hear that I would be able to run Friday or Saturday, but I'd much rather wait to run on Monday than have a serious injury that prevents me from running indoor or outdoor season.
It's definitely NOT the cutest accessory..
The 2 MRI's story is so dumb. I went in this morning for it, and it was only supposed to take an hour-ish. I got there at 7:45. I have class at 9. Of course I don't leave until 9:55. I have another class at 10, but I decided to skip that considering by the time I get to campus, park my car, and hobble all the way across the drill field it would be 10:30. Pointless. So I go home and have a bit of breakfast. I didn't want to eat today. Probably because of all the stress from running around and being late to everything. I did, anyway. Woot. :P

So then I go to my 12:00 class that I have with Connor. Early U.S. history. It was our discussion section which is only on Wednesdays. Connor freaked out about reading all of the articles earlier this week. I told him not to worry about it. People rarely read them thoroughly. So then we're in our class of about 25 students, and how many have read the documents? 3. Some guy in the front, Connor, and myself. haha. I knew it. And of course I am a know-it-all, so I answer all of the questions he asks.. Sometimes I don't like it cuz I worry about people judging me, but I just hate sitting there knowing an answer and only hearing silence (or even worse, the wrong answer). Ha, I just have to correct them. I blame my dad. He's the same way about always being right and stuff :/

Anyway, I biked right after class. It was only supposed to be a 10 minute warmup, 2x15 x 60 seconds hard and 30 seconds rest b/w reps with 3 minutes between sets, then a 10 minute cooldown. I lost count on the last set, and I'm pretty sure I did closer to 18 reps instead of 15. I kinda knew this, but I wanted to work hard today cuz I knew my team was doing a workout, and I don't want to lose any fitness or get behind :/ I know this is stupid. I'm not gonna lose it in one day. But still.. I also did a 15 minute warmup & 15 minute cooldown.. Overall, it was a good workout. And I DID eat lunch after, even though I was stretched on time cuz I had to GO BACK to the stupid hospital to get another MRI because they didn't scan the correct area the first time. How dumb.

As for eating, I had a Kashi Go Lean Roll bar right before I went to see the doctor back at our training room. I was proud of myself for choosing this bar instead of a FiberOne bar just because the Kashi has 40 more calories. Retarded, huh? But that's how my brain works. :P
I'm glad changes like this are getting easier, though.
Then I came home and really just wanted to pop in a Lean Cuisine. But I also knew that this wasn't enough. So I made dinner. Lemon pepper spiced cod, lightly salted edamame, and a sweet potato WITH butter (a suggestion my nutritionist has been begging me to follow for quite some time now). Did I mention how much I LOVE sweet potatoes? :D And I will admit, that it was pretty good with that dab of Smart Balance butter :)
Yummm :)
Now my stomach is grumbling.. I just did the daily tally, and of course I'm down on cals. DOWN 1000. How does this happen? Because I exercise too much (haha, jk. I love it). But it means I need more calories. And I eat soo healthy. Grr.. I am also too restrictive on myself in the morning :/ I need to work on that.
Anyway, I WOULD eat now, except I'm afraid it will turn into a bingeing episode. This is the reason I haven't been eating very much at all past dinner lately. Last night I had a pb fiber one bar right before bed, but that's just because it's prepackaged. I can deal with that. Something like cereal or yogurt or peanut butter & pretzels-these things aren't already set out for me. It's scary for me to start eating it cuz I don't know if I'll be able to stop. So I just chew gum and drink water to satisfy myself. Stupid, huh?
Sometimes it's just hard for me cuz I don't see how what I'm doing is wrong. I eat three meals a day. I snack. I eat all of the food groups. But it's simply not enough.
Anyway, I just read my blogger friend Liz's post and it makes me want to eat. She just mentioned her talking back to her ED, and it motivates me to nourish my body the way it wants. Yes, it may have gotten all of the meals for the day, but if I keep on at this rate I'm going to lose weight. Something I definitely don't want to do. I can't go back with my recovery. I'm so much happier. I've gotta push through.

I'm sorry this post is boring and kinda depressing :( I guess I just need some motivation.
Anyway, I'm about to go find something to snack on.

Monday, January 10, 2011


I really don't have too much to say, so hopefully this post won't be as long as my others recently :P
So as you know, I ended up doing well with my eating yesterday, even though I did not exercise.
However, this afternoon I was very excited for my long run. Of course I was looking forward to it because I love running for an hour and forty five minutes around 7 minute mile pace without stopping. It makes me feel invincible. I would be lying, though, if I said that the fact that I would be burning so many calories didn't cross my mind.
Ughh, where is this coming from? Over the course of last semester I got so much better at separating my love for running from my love for losing weight. Now it's hard to tell at times. :/
Anyway, the run was going great until around 50 minutes when my achilles was just really starting to tighten up. I ran through it, thinking it'd get better.. Then when I stopped to go to the bathroom and started up again, it hurt more than ever. I couldn't stop running because I was out on South Farm and I knew I had around half an hour at this point until I would reach my apartment. (We ran from our apartments because the snow was just too much for us to drive in, apparently. 3 inches! haha)
Well I finished the run, and my achilles was swollen x 3. I look like I have a cankle. I only did 90 minutes with my teammate Chloe. I wanted to do the extra 15 like I had originally planned, but you all are right in your comments that it is better to rest with this thing than to have to deal with a serious injury later.
So now I'm sitting in bed icing and taking ibuprofin. I'm also reading this strange novel called Where we Once Belonged for World Lit after 1600. So I guess something productive is coming out of this! Anyway, I'm cross training in the morning and probably tomorrow afternoon, too. Oh well, I'm taking it day by day. I like to believe everything happens for a reason.

It's fiction, but narrated by a young Samoan girl who is apparently very interested in sex and the family history of everyone around her. It's pretty bizarre. I'm constantly referring to the back of the book to find out the meaning of the Samoan words :P
As for as eating goes... I saw my nutritionist Kelly this morning. The first thing I do when I walk in is put down my jacket and step on the scale. Drumroll please... I have lost 1 pound over the past month, (the last time I saw her was December 9th) but she doesn't seem to be bothered by that at all because at this point I am still at a healthy weight. Yes, I am at the lowest possible healthy weight, but I am still there, ha. She plans on having me eat 2500+ every day in order to maintain this. It seems like so much when I'm eating so healthy, but she just reminds me that I need to be eating more dense snacks and things throughout the day. I guess she's right. I hate having to stuff my face at night when I realize I need 1000+ calories after dinner. Grr..
Anyway, it kind of shocked me a little that I actually lost weight. If anything I would think I'd be five pounds heavier after all of the snacking on sweets and occasional bingeing I had over the break. But I guess it just goes to show you that we tend to be harder on ourselves than we should be, and we overestimate how eating certain things will truly affect our bodies.

So, for those of you reading this, I hope that you learn the same lesson I have been learning and continue to remind myself: one meal, one snack, one cookie, one slice of cake is not going to make you fat. You are not going to lose control of your life just because you decided to indulge a little. And so what if you gain a pound? What is a pound, really? It might even be one that would be beneficial for you to gain. I know it's that way with me. I want to be strong and healthy. I don't want to come through the finish line weak and drained. I want to feel like I could go another mile if I really had to. I want to feel this way about life, too. It's not just about living. I want to enjoy this time that I've been given, to savor every moment: living, laughing, loving.
Food doesn't control me. Running doesn't define me. I choose who and what I want to be.
I want to be happy. :)

P.s. I named this blog "Maintaining" after I wrote it. I want to maintain (or maybe even increase!!) my weight, viewing food as necessary fuel, my progress towards recovery, my love for running, and the joy I'm getting out of life at the moment. I love it all. I don't want to go back. I'm not going to.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Eating without exercising?

Ok so this summer was when my eating disorder was at it's worst. I ran every day of course (it was on my schedule). But even on Sundays when we had the option of taking off, I wouldn't. I'd do extra situps, extra pushups, planks.. exercises that weren't on my schedule. As far as running goes, I'd go far. I'd go fast. I wanted to come back drenched in sweat. I've always been this way with running. But it was different. It became an obsession of mine to exercise in order to burn calories. 
Before it was for the love of running. I loved the wind in my hair, I loved having to struggle a little for that next breath. I loved the feeling afterwards of accomplishing something.
Anyway, as I stepped into recovery, I gained back my initial love for running while also getting it through my stubborn brain that I'm allowed to have a day off. I'm allowed to eat on days when I don't run. Running isn't for the purpose of losing weight. It's so much more to me than that. So when I was threatened earlier this year of my mileage being decreased-not even being forced to stop running altogether- I immediately jumped on the gun and told my coach and nutritionist that I would do anything and everything I could to be doing the same workouts the rest of my track team was doing. I wanted to be normal and not let one of my greatest passions in life be overtaken by this stupid ED.
I love racing. I love the butterflies in your stomach and the sound of the gun as your spike kicks off the starting line.
Btw, I'm third from the right, with the blonde hair (no pink streak just yet) :)
So I did it. I went on my 3000+ a day meal plan. I gained weight, not very much, but I was healthy and both my coach and Kelly (nutrionist) were happy with me. I was happy with myself. Yea, it was scary to gain weight, but I did it. I didn't only do this for reasons of keeping my sport. I did it because I was tired of anorexia controlling my life. I was tired of going into Kelly every Thursday morning to step on the scale and be half disappointed, half thrilled at the fact that I was still underweight. I was tired of being cold all the time, of being depressed. I was tired of Connor having a girlfriend who wasn't really there half the time. I wanted my friends back. I wanted to be happy again. I used to be known as this quirky, loving, goofy girl who couldn't stop smiling.
I LOVE that. I miss that. Sometimes I'm that girl still, but I haven't made a complete recovery. I'm still not 100% me all the time. Not to say that I should ALWAYS be happy, but I want to get back to the place where I have that confidence again. I want to be able to eat peanut butter out of the jar like I used to and not worry about it.
I carried this jar EVERYWHERE. Literally. It was "my life", as I am quoted as saying most often. :)
This is me and my friends after my senior year cross country regionals meet.
Anyway, my workout went great yesterday. I did the 4 mile tempo in 23:00. That's 5:45 minute mile pace. Of course, I was still unhappy with it because I was supposed to run the first two miles more conservatively and then go fast on the last two. Instead I just ran pretty much even splits. However, as the day went on yesterday, I learned to be happy with that. I would have never though this time last year that I was capable of running so fast. Also, this is one of those things where I need to be happy with myself. I need to learn to love myself for the effort I put into this workout. It's not about whether I did it perfectly. I gave it my all, therefore I should be proud.
Unfortunatley, my achilles started hurting after the workout. So my trainer told me to take today off.

I asked her if I could PLEASE run, if I take it super easy? No. Can I elliptical? No. Can I bike? No. What the heck Katie!! (trainer)
Rest, Haley. That means completely off.
Therefore, I have been sitting in bed all day. I watched Princess and the Frog. I read some of my book, "Where We Once Belonged", and I've been focusing far too much on food. I read like 800 articles about staying healthy, losing weight, blahblah. Don't worry. I know that I don't need to lose weight. But at the same time, it's annoying that I get in these moods where I'm so obsessed with this stuff.

It's hard to eat today. Because I haven't exercised today. I don't understand because over Thanksgiving and Christmas it was SO easy. I think it's because I went too far in the other direction over these breaks- in terms of binging and everything.

Anyway, I'm about to eat dinner. Connor brought over the salad that I got to go from the school cafeteria last night, and I'm very tempted to eat it. My salads are amazing by the way. I don't use dressing because I use so many vegetables, and I think it tastes great without it. I'm actually gonna take a picture of it with my mac. Here it is :)
I swear there is spinach and mixed greens under all of the veggies.
I just wanted to make sure I got the good stuff on top. :)
But I know I need more calories than this. I haven't had too much today. So I'm gonna go make something. Probably fish, a sweet potatoe, maybe some leftover rice and stir fry veggies.
I'm seeing Kelly (nutrionist) tomorrow, and hopefully she will knock some sense into me.

Last minute addition: My dinner :) 
If you read this whole thing, wow.. I need to learn to write less. Ha.

Btw, no school tomorrow! Snow day in Mississippi! It's not even snowing anymore, but people here freak out over half an inch, haha.
Keep commenting. I love reading them.
<3 Haley

Friday, January 7, 2011

So much to live up to..

Of course it's late again.
And of course I have the most important workout of the year thus far coming up in 8 hours. Plus I have to go in early for treatment for this stupid calf/achilles thing that has been bothering me. Yet, I am still on here! I just feel like I need to say what I have on my mind; otherwise it will be left unsaid..

I just finished reading my boyfriend Connor's blog. He wrote about me for a pretty decently length of time. When I first saw that I felt so loved as well as lucky to have him, but then I read what he wrote of my battling ED and it just made me sad. When I started restricting almost a year ago I never realized that it would end up ruining my life and hurting the ones I love along with myself so very much. Just like everyone else who's been through this, I feel like I never would have gone down this path if I had known that would be the case. Anyway though, this disease is unfortunately very selfish, and it hurts who it wants, the way that it wants.
He mentioned how he can tell that I'm trying really hard to recover, which I love. But he also said how he can see sometimes that "other Haley", not the one he fell in love with, but the one who doubts herself, loves isolation, compares herself to others.. I HATE this girl. Ughh.. I hate how she can take on my same name, and people recognize her as me. I hate that I let her get by me and take over. I hate ED. Sometimes I feel trapped in this person that is restricting, one who is feeling more tired, irritable, weak, and lonely than usual. I just don't know how to get out.

As I've been writing, it's obvious that I am getting better. However, sometimes I wish this process was faster. My therapist (who I haven't seen in over a month, btw. I have a meeting next Wednesday, thank goodness) says that I shouldn't expect my recovery to be quick because getting into this mess wasn't quick. I guess she's right. It took time for these behaviors and this self-detrimental mindset to develop, and so I know it will take just as much if not more time to set myself straight again.
Also, I see my nutritionist Monday which is a really good thing because as I've been getting back to school my eating schedule has been thrown off a pretty good bit due to classes and practice. I can't eat too much for lunch usually because I have practice only three hours afterwards. My stomach's just sensitive like that.
And today we had practice at 2. Considering I didn't finish my last class until 12 and I wasn't home before 12:15, I was only able to have a small snack beforehand. So I go to practice. I run. I meet the new recruit. Am I nice to her? Yes, I try to be at least.. Am I completely Haley? No.. I'm irritable, hungry, and tired. My stomach doesn't actually feel the hunger, of course, but considering the fact that I have been eating so healthy lately to make up for my holiday binges, I feel like my body can tell that it needs more calories. We then finish the run, do circuits (weights & stuff), and I don't get home until dinner time. I know I should have had a Cliff bar after I ran but I didn't want to because I wanted to just go home and eat the sandwich I had been craving all day. *I'll post a pic of my sandwiches on here one day soon. They are epic and huge.* :)
Even though I wasn't necessarily restrictive by choice, (most of the day, anyway) I know my nutritionist would be upset with me and want me to DOUBLE the amount of calories I ate today. I do want to get better, but since I've been at school it's also been much easier to slip into this habit of extremely healthy eating- low cal, low/no fat, non-processed diet (what I was doing all first semester). And while this sounds alright for a normal person I guess, I am not allowed to do it because I burn so many more calories than everyone else. Sometimes it doesn't seem fair, but my nutrionist Kelly says that I should look at it as an opportunity than no one else really has. I mean, it's true! If someone had told me a year and half ago that I needed to gain weight I would've been fine with adding an extra scoop of peanut butter to every meal. Why then, is it so hard now? Grr..
It's the same as I mentioned before, though. I need to learn patience. It's a virtue, I know. Yadayadayada.
And I really need to start allowing for myself to be loved again. By myself, by others, by God. It's easiest to slip back into the ED state of mind when you think you're not worth anything, so why not let the eating disorder overtake you?
I'm gonna beat this thing. One day at a time.

This is a LONG post. Wow. Don't expect it to be read by many! ha. Speaking of which, I am so grateful for my readers and the comments I have been receiving on this blog. They have been such an encouragement, and it means more to me than you know. I never expected anyone to read this other than maybe Connor, so imagine my surprise when I get so many strangers telling me I can do this!
You're all great, and I have so much love for you even though I don't know you.. I know that's weird, but considering you are helping me in ways that some of my closest friends were too afraid or upset to do is really saying something.
I hope everyone has a great weekend! Hopefully I'll kick butt in this workout tomorrow and with my eating afterwards :)
<3 Haley

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Late night posts..

What's up with the fact that I only post late at night when I should be sleeping?
I even tried to post last night but for some reason the stupid wi-fi in my apartment was acting up.
Anyway, today was my first day of Tuesday-Thursday classes for the semester. I had the MWF classes yesterday, obviously. Overall, I really like all of them! I'm excited to learn some new things and to take on a challenge :)
One thing I noticed today when I was talking to one of my teammates about our World Lit after 1600 class was that not once during any of my 6 classes these past two days did I spend my time worrying about food consumption or calorie intake, blahblahblah. I paid attention to everything about the 6 foreign novels we're going to be reading without drifting into lala land where I debate on when and what I shall eat next. That is SO great! Seriously.
Last semester I didn't really notice it as being too much of a problem because I obviously had forgotten what it was like to NOT think about these things.
But now that I feel more normal than ever, it's clear to me that constantly worrying over food is just plain stupid and a waste of my brain power!
I can't wait to make even more progress with killing this ED :)

Speaking of defeating ED's, (I talk about that on this blog? Shocker! ;P) one of my friends on the team did the (1,2,3,4,4,3,2,1 minutes hard) workout with me today, and she was looking much weaker and tired than the last time we had done this workout except last time we even added a 5 minute in the middle.. This is the friend that's dealing with an ED herself..
It's so hard for me to see her go through this. I know that I can't do it for her, but I just want to shake her and tell her to eat something for goodness sake!
It seems that stuff like this always comes up around the time when I contemplate being restrictive again, too. I think it's God's way of saying, "Hey.. that's not cool. This is what's going to happen if you do. You will be tired, irritable, moody, lonely, depressed, hungry, cold, and dizzy all the time."
Who wants that? Not me.
Anyway, yesterday when this friend and I ran together at practice I told her about my binging episode on Christmas eve. She seemed pretty surprised by it, but not totally disgusted or anything like I feel everyone would/should be. I guess she's been there, so it's easier to get..
I really want to talk to her about this stuff because I know that she has been/is going through some of the same struggles, but at the same time I don't want to overload her with my problems and I also don't want her to feel that she has to compete with me to see who can get more control over eating.
So, I'm kind of at a crossroads about this.

Anyway, I had more on my mind but considering it is almost midnight and I have my first legit history lecture tomorrow morning at 8 A.M. I should probably go to sleep. Especially since it is one of my new year's resolutions to take more pride in my appearance. That takes time. This may seem like a vain resolution, but I actually do feel better about myself when I try a little harder to look decent instead of wearing sweats and tennis shoes to class every day. Ha, don't judge me :P
Well, goodnight all 8 followers of mine! (I don't even know if you all really read these, but I'd like to think that you do, so I will continue to do so for my own personal benefit)
Have a great Friday!
<3 Haley

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Back to school..

So this isn't supposed to be a very long post because I DO need to be closing my eyes soon; after all, tomorrow is my first day of the spring semester! Yet I have so much on my mind.
I got back to Starkville today.. I was so nervous/anxious last night and this morning. For a while I couldn't put my finger on what it was that was making me feel this way. Then I realized it is the fact that I look so different than I did a month ago, before I left for break..
This partly makes me happy. Heck yes ED, you suck. I am getting better, and I don't look like a Holocaust victim anymore.
Another part of me is yearning for that skinny Haley. Everyone used to know me as that. I know this sounds stupid, but yea..
Anyway, this morning on my way 2ish hour drive to school I was eating a yogurt in the car only to look down at it and see that it was a LOWfat yogurt rather than a NONfat one. OH em gee, right? :P
Why then, did I proceed to freak out?
I wanted to lean out the window and spit out the mere 2 or so ounces I had just eaten. I wished I could have reversed time so I would have had the sense to check the label. How stupid is this?
Earlier this break I don't think this incident would have bothered me as much, but considering that I was about to be seen by my teammates/friends/coaches, I knew I didn't need any extra calories turning to pounds to add on to my ever increasing weight.
Well, I don't even think many people noticed all that much, anyway. At least they didn't make near as big a deal of it as I had imagined they would. The only things said were how healthy and happy I look. I WANT to take these compliments and use them to keep driving out my anorexia; yet, something's also telling me that this is me losing control. I'm getting fat, and soon I will be disgusting.
So tonight I have not been restrictive (as opposed to morning) yay!
I also resisted the urge to binge on peanut butter, pretzels, & vanilla yogurt. Why I wanted to in the first place is beyond me.. I don't know why I'm always at ends with myself.
Anyway, I am having a good new year so far, and I hope everyone else is, too!
I will post more tomorrow. For now I should sleep and be happy with the progress that I have made. I don't want to go backwards.
Haley <3

P.s. Sorry for changing the name of my blog so much. I think I'm going to leave it as "All or Nothing". Whether good or bad, this is pretty much my view on the world, my recovery, and myself. I only hope that I continue to see the glass as half full rather than half empty, wanting to be all rather than nothing, and working as hard as I can to be the best that I can be.