But the good news is, my life ISN'T running. Neither is it restricting my eating. How are these things supposed to define me?
It's annoying that I'm seen as Haley, the runner. Haley, the anorexic.
Yes, I've always been known as the athletic one. But I was also known as the crazy, funny, strange, and hyper one. Anorexia took that away from me. My obsession with running in order to lose weight also took away my original passion from my sport.
So I'm getting it back. And I'm gonna find a balance. Yes, I want to run. Yes, I want to go to SEC Championships and absolutely tear up that track. But if this doesn't happen, my life isn't going to end.
Same with eating. I want to maintain a healthy diet so that I can fuel my body. But if I end up having a little too much peanut butter with my pretzels or if I end up putting one too many scoops of ice cream in my dish, my world isn't going to topple over.
I hate that I see things in black and white. All or nothing. I want to see the gray. I want to see the in between. I'm getting there. Just gotta have patience! :)
Anywayyy, enough with the vague inspirational talk. This past week has been ok eating wise.
Oh yea, let me tell you something!
So yesterday morning I was in the football weight room doing my bike workout, and a couple of the MSU football players come in. They know me from last year when I kinda hung out with a few of them. I tend to stay away from them as a whole now just because they're not the best of people. I know that's stereotyping a group of people as unworthy of my attention, but rumors were started last year about me from this group of guys, and if I can't be friends with a few of them without stuff like that happening, then I can't spend much time with any of them.
Anyway, like I said, the football players came in, and one of them gives me the nod and a half smile. I'm like, hi, yea.. I'm dying on this bike, but sure, hi.
I noticed that he's been looking me up and down. As he leaves he says, "You gone and put on some weight, huh?" with a smile on his face.
Honestly, he probably meant this in a most positive way. Black guys like "thick" girls. They loved my body last year. Big butt. Big hips. Yumyum ;P
So he was probably giving me his idea of a compliment by saying that I have put on a few pounds. But still.. who says that? I don't want to hear that.
It made me bike faster. It made me mad! Immediately my ED said, "SEE! You need to watch what you're eating Haley! You're letting yourself get by with far too much. You've gotta get yourself under control again."
No. Shut up.
This made me bike even faster. Stupid ED. I don't want to listen to you. I'm happier than ever, and I don't care that part of me hates not being able to take comfort in the fact that I'm burning 800+ calories a day and only eating 1500 or less. It's not worth it. I don't want my life to revolve around my next meal. It used to be all I could think about, worry about. How silly.
Connor and I went out for frozen yogurt last night. It was scary for me, which I don't like. Late last semester it would have been no big deal. But now it's hard. Whaaat? Why?
Anyway, once we got to Local Culture, the fear washed away. I saw all the different flavors and toppings, and I was just happy to be able to eat whatever I wanted. :)
We got two big cups of froyo. The first was blueberry tart+cake batter twist and strawberry yogurts with blueberries on top.
The second cup was peanut butter+white chocolate mousse twist, triple chocolate, and banana with a sprinkle of pecan pieces.
We also added pretzels to these concoctions, but we were cheaters and brought our own because we didn't wanna pay for the weight of the pretzels when we already had some! (You pay by the ounce).
The first was definitely the best because of the cake batter. Yuummmm.
The second was really good, but I don't think I had enough peanut butter. And the banana was too fruity, so it took away from the savory taste we were going for.
Ha, too much info about my frozen yogurts! Anyway, the point is we had 10 oz. each (not including pretzels), and I was satisfied without feeling guilty or stuffed like I do after bingeing. Big deal for me :)
|This picture is just one from their website. It's not a pic of mine and Conrad's froyo. Although we didn't fill ours up quite that much, we did get our fair share of yummy deliciousness in these huge cups :)|
P.s. Connor and I always order two dishes and split them. Friday night we were seated in a booth, and I ended up just coming over to his side so that we could pick off of each dish without reaching across the table. Haha, do any of you do that? Is that strange? ;) Probably, but so what. I like variety, and I am terrible at deciding on what to order, so we always go 50/50. :)
Moving along, I have my second nutritionist appointment of the year coming up tomorrow morning. I'm gonna be a little late for practice because of it, but Kelly won't get in until 9:30 (Practice is at 10), and if I push it back then it will have to be after lunch which would change my weight. So yea.. Plus, I doubt I'm going to be able to run, anyway. The doctor said I could try to run Monday if my foot looks better. I hate to admit it, but my achilles is still slightly swollen. It's been 6 days! 7, tomorrow. How in the world do I still have a fat achilles? Oh well. Positive thoughts. At least I can bike! I'm not losing too much fitness, if any at all. On the bike, you have a workout every day, not just on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays like you do when you're running. So I should be fine.
Back to my nutritionist appointment, I'm somewhat worried that I'm going to hear that I lost weight this week :/ I burn so many calories with running that Kelly wants me eating SO much. It's just hard to convince myself sometimes that I really need all of that. Ya know? Sometimes I compare myself to normal people, and I'm like, hey.. They're eating salad for lunch! Why can't I? I need to stop comparing. It doesn't help anything. These people aren't me. They don't have a disease which makes them lose hair, remain constantly cold, and hate being around others. I hate this disease. Have I ever mentioned that?
So yea, I'll let you know how tomorrow goes, both with running and with my nutritionist appointment. Let's pray it goes well. I want it to all work out so badly; but if it doesn't, no worries. Life will go on. I'll keep smiling. I'll continue to get better, gain confidence, and love myself.
P.s. Check out this Dove commercial/PSA. I love it. We ALL need to stop comparing ourselves to others while setting unrealistic expectations for what we should and shouldn't be.
We're all beautiful.