Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Let's look at the bright side, shall we? :)

So, if you read my last post, you can see that I am kinda lonely at the moment other than the time I spend with Conrad.
However, I wrote all of that at a time when I was very upset and emotional. Yes, I wish I were closer to people here in college, but I do still have friends. I have some that really care about me, and that's rude and unfair for me not to take them into account. I guess it's just that I don't have that best friend connection that I yearn for. Maybe I even push people away because I know they can't give this to me. I feel like I kinda do. 

Also, I said some pretty nasty things about my roommate. I know that we're not on the best of terms at the moment, but at least she isn't being mean to me anymore. There's really nothing wrong between us at the time other than the fact that we're not friends. But that's fine; I mean, we can be in the same room as each other now, at least. I don't necessarily need her friendship as much as I do need her to be an acquaintance and teammate who doesn't loathe me. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't.
I guess the reason I went off on that little tangent last night is because I feel like I put all of my stock into that friendship, and it all went to shambles. It just saddens me..
However, that's not right of me to start reminiscing on the past in that way, bringing up bad memories and emotions for myself. It's over and done, and there's nothing I can do to change it now.
All in all, I feel like a horrible person for bringing all of it up and for making such harsh comments. I don't consider myself to be a mean person at all. And I feel horrible for feeling and writing some of the things I did.

I'm working on being a better person this year. I know that sounds like a vague and strange resolution, but no one can say that it's not a good one! I feel like I used to be considered this goofy, selfless, obnoxiously happy girl who wouldn't stop smiling or talking.
Now I'm somewhat of an introvert. Ever since I developed ED, I've been much more concerned with myself and my own issues. I hate this.

Anyway, now that that is off my chest, I feel a little better. I've been feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders ever since last night. The only way I'll do better in the future is by learning from my mistakes and knowing when to focus on my own issues rather than blaming others.
So from now on, I'm maintaining this positive attitude. I love it.

I was in the athletic academic building tonight printing off some papers for school and the old man that swipes our cards started talking to me after a while about how I had a pretty name. This led to us talking about where we're from, what we do with our lives, etc..
At one point he said, "Oh, I'll let you go back to studying now. I'm sorry to have been distracting you this whole time." I replied, "Oh no, you're fine. I'm just printing off some recipes here!"
This led to a conversation on my thoughts on double majoring in both Secondary Education-English as well as Nutrition. It's something I've been thinking about for a while, but seriously this semester. I know that if I want to do it I have to decide soon. I'm already way behind for the Nutrition major, so I'd have to take summer school and load up on intro classes next semester, as well.
But I want to do it. I feel like God is telling me that this is the right path. I don't really understand why because it is definitely not the easiest one, but I feel like I've got to go for it. A chance to change your life like this doesn't come around.. well, ever.
It's just scary that I have to decide my future NOW.
I'm not crazy about that :/

Oh yea, so anyway, the man (whose name is Cal, btw) tells me that I should do it because I seem very passionate in the subject, and he thinks I'd be great at whatever I aspire to be.
Wow. I don't even know this man. And he's here telling me that my smile lights up the room and that I have a love for life that is so great to see. Wow. This is the Haley I'm used to people seeing. It was so great to get this boost in confidence from Cal. I mean, I know we had only met twenty minutes previously, but I feel like that was another God thing.
It was Him telling me that I'm a better person than I think, sometimes. Tonight it was much needed. I was feeling horrible and ashamed of myself after the last blog post and about my workout, too. But who cares? All of that is in the past. I can only live in the present

Good quote. I need to remind myself of this ^; apparently I keep forgetting. :P

So I did run the workout today. 8x800's with 2 minutes rest.
2:36, 2:48, 2:36, 2:50, 2:37, 2:45, 2:35, 2:47
The wind was KILLER on numbers 2,4,6,&8. We ran straight down this road that leads to one of the farms that our team runs on, so we were either helped by the wind or tremendously hurt by it. And it definitely didn't seem to be helping as much as it hurt, ha.
Afterwards, I did that thing where I'm like, blahh. I suck. Every other one was horrible.
Grr, shut up.
This isn't just how low self-confidence starts, but this is how ED gets a hold of me.
If I were thinner I'd be running faster right now.
But hey, I barely allow myself even a second to think these things, anymore. I'm getting so strong in my talking back to ED. I'm actually not afraid to say that I'm proud of myself. :)

This week I'm trying to focus far less on calories since I'm planning on doing the "intuitive eating" thing and dropping my food log.
We'll see how it goes.
So far I've been way down after I eat my nutritious, balanced dinner, which saddens & frustrates me :/
It means I have to eat a lot after dinner, which I don't like doing because it scares me that I'm going to binge.
I've been good lately, though. I'm getting food in at night, but I'm definitely not gorging myself, either. As long as I don't restrict, I'm much less likely to binge. So today when I wanted that apple and those grapes even though I had just had a snack, I ate them anyway. Heck, it's fruit. It's not even like I'm eating two more bowls of ice cream, which, if I was in the "bingeing" mood, I wouldn't think twice about. So yea, we'll see how the rest of the week goes!

To wrap things up, I hope that you don't judge me based on my last post. I was bitter and jarring. That's not me.
I'm going to focus on being happy and healthy along with living in the here and now. I am also focusing on being happy with who I am, not who I was or who I want to be.
And once again, thank you all for the comments. I love them.
Sorry this post was so long and ramblyyy. Yes, I know that's not a word ;)
I hope everyone has a great week! It's almost over! We're past hump day! :)
<3 Haley


  1. Aww,Haley! I read your last post and didn't comment, but I don't think you're a bad, negative person at all! I think you're wonderful! All of us have bad days and need to vent our frustrations and this blog is a great place to do that.
    Oh and remember no matter what ED says: being thinner will NOT help you run faster, it will make you weaker...but it sounds like you've already told ED that. :)
    Keep up the good work. *hugs*<3

  2. It is very clear to me that you are a really caring friend. These people mean a lot to you, even if they might not be your best friends. So don't worry! Keep up the good attitude and keep talking back to the ED. Hugs!

  3. Of course, we won't judge you based off your posts! It is not easy to struggle with ED and it is healthier to just write them out. Trust me, most of us will understand where you are coming from and I certainly don't think you are some self-absorbed person who focuses on her own way! You are a very lively, beautiful, and amazing young woman who happen to be struggling with some obstacles in her life and needs to talk about it. Nothing wrong with that! :) <3

  4. Haley, none of us are judging you for your last post! We all have our hard times and sometimes need to just VENT- it's hard to be optimistic and positive all the time. I didn't read your last post as bitter at all- feeling disconnected from people is hard and feeling like losing your best friend is hard- those are both things I'm working on. I am glad though that you are concentrating on living in the present- that is a great way to look at life! :-) You are a remarkable person who deserves to be happy and if not focusing on the past so much brings you happiness, then that's wonderful! Just know that you were not judged for your past post.

  5. Good luck with the intuitive eating. I hope you are able to find a sense of balance in that, along with the rest of your life.

    And don't worry, we all have our down days and less then positive posts. We are all human after all.

    Hope you have a great week!

  6. Of course no one judges you! We all feel that way at times. If it makes you feel any better, in my first year at college I felt like I had no real friends other than my boyfriend and I was lonely a lot of the time. BUT by my final year, I had loads of friends who I'm still really close with now (I actually live with 2 of them!). Sometimes these things just take time.