Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Back to school..

So this isn't supposed to be a very long post because I DO need to be closing my eyes soon; after all, tomorrow is my first day of the spring semester! Yet I have so much on my mind.
I got back to Starkville today.. I was so nervous/anxious last night and this morning. For a while I couldn't put my finger on what it was that was making me feel this way. Then I realized it is the fact that I look so different than I did a month ago, before I left for break..
This partly makes me happy. Heck yes ED, you suck. I am getting better, and I don't look like a Holocaust victim anymore.
Another part of me is yearning for that skinny Haley. Everyone used to know me as that. I know this sounds stupid, but yea..
Anyway, this morning on my way 2ish hour drive to school I was eating a yogurt in the car only to look down at it and see that it was a LOWfat yogurt rather than a NONfat one. OH em gee, right? :P
Why then, did I proceed to freak out?
I wanted to lean out the window and spit out the mere 2 or so ounces I had just eaten. I wished I could have reversed time so I would have had the sense to check the label. How stupid is this?
Earlier this break I don't think this incident would have bothered me as much, but considering that I was about to be seen by my teammates/friends/coaches, I knew I didn't need any extra calories turning to pounds to add on to my ever increasing weight.
Well, I don't even think many people noticed all that much, anyway. At least they didn't make near as big a deal of it as I had imagined they would. The only things said were how healthy and happy I look. I WANT to take these compliments and use them to keep driving out my anorexia; yet, something's also telling me that this is me losing control. I'm getting fat, and soon I will be disgusting.
So tonight I have not been restrictive (as opposed to morning) yay!
I also resisted the urge to binge on peanut butter, pretzels, & vanilla yogurt. Why I wanted to in the first place is beyond me.. I don't know why I'm always at ends with myself.
Anyway, I am having a good new year so far, and I hope everyone else is, too!
I will post more tomorrow. For now I should sleep and be happy with the progress that I have made. I don't want to go backwards.
Haley <3

P.s. Sorry for changing the name of my blog so much. I think I'm going to leave it as "All or Nothing". Whether good or bad, this is pretty much my view on the world, my recovery, and myself. I only hope that I continue to see the glass as half full rather than half empty, wanting to be all rather than nothing, and working as hard as I can to be the best that I can be.


  1. Hey Haley! When you gain weight, there is a sense of lack of control because you've always used your disorder as a means of controlling your life and the world around you. The way I look at it is, your eating disorder is now the one losing the control. YOU are the one with the control now. You are controlling your life in a positive way. YOU are making sure that you are getting the nutrients and the energy that you need to live a healthy and fulfilled life - whether that involves low-fat yogurt or not ;)

    Throughout your disorder, you NEVER had control. It was the disorder controlling you. Now YOU have control over IT. Own it!!! :D


  2. I'm new at this blogging thing and so I feel a little weird saying this but I really want to run up and give you a hug! You are being so strong and like Katy (above) said, YOU are in control now. What a huge accomplishment. This Summer I moved into a healthier living environment which made it impossible for me to be as unhealthy with my eating disorder and I proceeded to gain weight. At first I was so angry, angry at everybody because I too felt I was loosing control. But after a few relapses and through many tears I finally reached a healthy balance that allowed me to be happy. I'm still working on it and it's getting better all the time. Think Nutrients not Numbers! You are so strong and keep it up! I can't wait to follow (just clicked the follow button! ohh yeah!) your journey!


    If you like, stop by my blog, you might like my last post!