So this isn't supposed to be a very long post because I DO need to be closing my eyes soon; after all, tomorrow is my first day of the spring semester! Yet I have so much on my mind.
I got back to Starkville today.. I was so nervous/anxious last night and this morning. For a while I couldn't put my finger on what it was that was making me feel this way. Then I realized it is the fact that I look so different than I did a month ago, before I left for break..
This partly makes me happy. Heck yes ED, you suck. I am getting better, and I don't look like a Holocaust victim anymore.
Another part of me is yearning for that skinny Haley. Everyone used to know me as that. I know this sounds stupid, but yea..
Anyway, this morning on my way 2ish hour drive to school I was eating a yogurt in the car only to look down at it and see that it was a LOWfat yogurt rather than a NONfat one. OH em gee, right? :P
Why then, did I proceed to freak out?
I wanted to lean out the window and spit out the mere 2 or so ounces I had just eaten. I wished I could have reversed time so I would have had the sense to check the label. How stupid is this?
Earlier this break I don't think this incident would have bothered me as much, but considering that I was about to be seen by my teammates/friends/coaches, I knew I didn't need any extra calories turning to pounds to add on to my ever increasing weight.
Well, I don't even think many people noticed all that much, anyway. At least they didn't make near as big a deal of it as I had imagined they would. The only things said were how healthy and happy I look. I WANT to take these compliments and use them to keep driving out my anorexia; yet, something's also telling me that this is me losing control. I'm getting fat, and soon I will be disgusting.
So tonight I have not been restrictive (as opposed to morning) yay!
I also resisted the urge to binge on peanut butter, pretzels, & vanilla yogurt. Why I wanted to in the first place is beyond me.. I don't know why I'm always at ends with myself.
Anyway, I am having a good new year so far, and I hope everyone else is, too!
I will post more tomorrow. For now I should sleep and be happy with the progress that I have made. I don't want to go backwards.
P.s. Sorry for changing the name of my blog so much. I think I'm going to leave it as "All or Nothing". Whether good or bad, this is pretty much my view on the world, my recovery, and myself. I only hope that I continue to see the glass as half full rather than half empty, wanting to be all rather than nothing, and working as hard as I can to be the best that I can be.