Tuesday, January 25, 2011

No friends here

So lately I've really been thinking about the fact that I'm lonely here in my college town..
Yes, I have Connor. And he IS great. Some of the comments I've been getting about us being a sweet couple have really touched me, btw. Thank you :)
Unfortunately, though, I feel like I need more than one friend in life.
Of course I do have many friends. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. It's just that they're all at home or at their own universities. I feel so isolated here.

I felt like this at the beginning of the year last year, too. When I first came to college I was expecting to create the tight as a knot friendships that I had back home. That didn't really happen..
With cross country and track it was kind of hard to meet new people and find the time to hang out with them. So I ended up mostly hanging out with my team. I wasn't the best of friends with them, but I found a little group of girls and we pretty much stuck together.

Still, I'm lacking in friendships. I don't know whether it's my obnoxious personality or my eating disorder or my OCD tendencies, but I just don't have anyone here I'm close with. Everytime I think I'm going to become good friends with someone, the bond fades.. We're both 'busy'. Something always comes up.

My birthday is in six days. I have no one to celebrate with.
Yes, I'm probably gonna go out to eat with Connor.
My teammates will probably all say nice things and wish me a happy birthday.
But I don't have anyone I really want to spend the day with other than my boyfriend. This worries me.
It makes me doubt myself, who I am, and who I am becoming.
ED wants to take hold since I have nothing else in my life worth pursuing at the moment.
At least I can count on my ED to be my friend, to be there for me when I'm feeling lonely/depressed/uncomfortable. That's what the ED wants me to think.

But I know I've gotta push away those thoughts. I've been down that road, and ED doesn't make me any happier. I'm no stronger, sweeter, prettier, or smarter with ED. It just masks my true personality while the real Haley hides behind this skeleton of a body, one with no soul and no longing for life.

I just wish there was an easier way. I miss my friends back home. I wish I had friends here *good ones* (I do have them here, sorry if I'm acting as if I'm a total social pariah. I just don't have a best friend. I miss that).

So I'll spend the night immersed in my book, living a fantasy life through Salander and Blomkvist.

Connor's coming over soon, too. Hopefully I'll lose the self-pity thing I've got going on. I'm sorry this blog post is so dreary :/ *kinda like our weather today. It was rainy and dark and gross, blah*

P.s. I saw Kelly (nutritionist) yesterday. I only need to maintain weight now. Good thing. I am also working on eating when I'm hungry rather than waiting until my designated snack or meal time. I tend to do that. I'm focusing less on calories this week and more on fueling my body when it needs it with healthy foods. But if I want a cookie every now and then, I'm going to have a cookie.
The only way to stop the bingeing is to stop the restricting.
I want to be full again. 
Like my pun? ^ :)

I'm already feeling much better. I don't know how writing one paragraph can do that to you, but yea.. I hope you all have a great week. Thank you so much for the inspiring comments. They mean so much.

Oh, also I'm running again! 70 minutes yesterday painfree! *And at a pretty fast pace, too*. I ran with my Coach, and we were just grinding it out. I was so excited to be out there again.
I did a recovery run today, and I have a track workout tomorrow. If all goes well I'm supposed to be going to Kentucky Friday morning to compete in the indoor 3k race this Saturday. I'll keep you all updated as to how it's looking!
<3 Haley


  1. I am sorry that you are having a hard time right now. I can really understand where you are coming from about friendships.

    When I was in college, I did not feel that I really fit in anywhere, and my only friend was my ED and Stu (my fiance). I even joined a sorority, but I still felt really lonely.

    I do have this loneliness from time to time (most of my close friends are scattered all over US). I wish I can have something positive to tell you....I just want to tell you that I understand your feeling completely.

    Hugs <3

  2. I'm sorry Haley. Know that you are loved. Thank you for this post, it rang true for me in a lot of ways. Over the years, sometimes I've felt that my ED has been my only friend- and the reason I didn't have other *closer* ones. Sometimes my eating problems would keep me from being social at all, even with my good friends because I knew that there was usually food involved with teenagers. Luckily I've maintained a few, after years of trying to have far too many just friends, instead of close ones who actually care. And, like you- one awesome boyfriend. Don't know where I'd be without him. It's nice that you have camaraderie with your track team. I've always wanted to be on a team sport, just to get a sense of the word. Sometimes it's hard to find the right friends, keep troopin! I bet we'd be friends in real life too.

  3. I can relate to that feeling of isolation, especially at college. In my experience though, the greatest friends appear out of nowhere, and sometimes they are the last people you'd think you'd get along with. Don't stress too much about it. You are such a lovely girl I can't imagine you'd be without friends for very long :)

  4. I have had the same experience at college too except I'm lucky enough to have gone to a university in my home city so I still have plenty of my high school friends to hang out with.

    EDs, however, can be extremely isolating even if you don't realise it. Our minds are so consumed by thoughts of food and how we look that we forget to open ourselves up to others around us. Even if we were to be in a room full of people, we would still isolate ourselves internally. But like Eliza above has said, the greatest friends do appear out of nowhere :) It's better to have a few very close friends than to have a tonne of "aquaintances", ya know?

    So pleased that your leg is healing!!!! YAY!! :)