Sunday, January 9, 2011

Eating without exercising?

Ok so this summer was when my eating disorder was at it's worst. I ran every day of course (it was on my schedule). But even on Sundays when we had the option of taking off, I wouldn't. I'd do extra situps, extra pushups, planks.. exercises that weren't on my schedule. As far as running goes, I'd go far. I'd go fast. I wanted to come back drenched in sweat. I've always been this way with running. But it was different. It became an obsession of mine to exercise in order to burn calories. 
Before it was for the love of running. I loved the wind in my hair, I loved having to struggle a little for that next breath. I loved the feeling afterwards of accomplishing something.
Anyway, as I stepped into recovery, I gained back my initial love for running while also getting it through my stubborn brain that I'm allowed to have a day off. I'm allowed to eat on days when I don't run. Running isn't for the purpose of losing weight. It's so much more to me than that. So when I was threatened earlier this year of my mileage being decreased-not even being forced to stop running altogether- I immediately jumped on the gun and told my coach and nutritionist that I would do anything and everything I could to be doing the same workouts the rest of my track team was doing. I wanted to be normal and not let one of my greatest passions in life be overtaken by this stupid ED.
I love racing. I love the butterflies in your stomach and the sound of the gun as your spike kicks off the starting line.
Btw, I'm third from the right, with the blonde hair (no pink streak just yet) :)
So I did it. I went on my 3000+ a day meal plan. I gained weight, not very much, but I was healthy and both my coach and Kelly (nutrionist) were happy with me. I was happy with myself. Yea, it was scary to gain weight, but I did it. I didn't only do this for reasons of keeping my sport. I did it because I was tired of anorexia controlling my life. I was tired of going into Kelly every Thursday morning to step on the scale and be half disappointed, half thrilled at the fact that I was still underweight. I was tired of being cold all the time, of being depressed. I was tired of Connor having a girlfriend who wasn't really there half the time. I wanted my friends back. I wanted to be happy again. I used to be known as this quirky, loving, goofy girl who couldn't stop smiling.
I LOVE that. I miss that. Sometimes I'm that girl still, but I haven't made a complete recovery. I'm still not 100% me all the time. Not to say that I should ALWAYS be happy, but I want to get back to the place where I have that confidence again. I want to be able to eat peanut butter out of the jar like I used to and not worry about it.
I carried this jar EVERYWHERE. Literally. It was "my life", as I am quoted as saying most often. :)
This is me and my friends after my senior year cross country regionals meet.
Anyway, my workout went great yesterday. I did the 4 mile tempo in 23:00. That's 5:45 minute mile pace. Of course, I was still unhappy with it because I was supposed to run the first two miles more conservatively and then go fast on the last two. Instead I just ran pretty much even splits. However, as the day went on yesterday, I learned to be happy with that. I would have never though this time last year that I was capable of running so fast. Also, this is one of those things where I need to be happy with myself. I need to learn to love myself for the effort I put into this workout. It's not about whether I did it perfectly. I gave it my all, therefore I should be proud.
Unfortunatley, my achilles started hurting after the workout. So my trainer told me to take today off.

I asked her if I could PLEASE run, if I take it super easy? No. Can I elliptical? No. Can I bike? No. What the heck Katie!! (trainer)
Rest, Haley. That means completely off.
Therefore, I have been sitting in bed all day. I watched Princess and the Frog. I read some of my book, "Where We Once Belonged", and I've been focusing far too much on food. I read like 800 articles about staying healthy, losing weight, blahblah. Don't worry. I know that I don't need to lose weight. But at the same time, it's annoying that I get in these moods where I'm so obsessed with this stuff.

It's hard to eat today. Because I haven't exercised today. I don't understand because over Thanksgiving and Christmas it was SO easy. I think it's because I went too far in the other direction over these breaks- in terms of binging and everything.

Anyway, I'm about to eat dinner. Connor brought over the salad that I got to go from the school cafeteria last night, and I'm very tempted to eat it. My salads are amazing by the way. I don't use dressing because I use so many vegetables, and I think it tastes great without it. I'm actually gonna take a picture of it with my mac. Here it is :)
I swear there is spinach and mixed greens under all of the veggies.
I just wanted to make sure I got the good stuff on top. :)
But I know I need more calories than this. I haven't had too much today. So I'm gonna go make something. Probably fish, a sweet potatoe, maybe some leftover rice and stir fry veggies.
I'm seeing Kelly (nutrionist) tomorrow, and hopefully she will knock some sense into me.

Last minute addition: My dinner :) 
If you read this whole thing, wow.. I need to learn to write less. Ha.

Btw, no school tomorrow! Snow day in Mississippi! It's not even snowing anymore, but people here freak out over half an inch, haha.
Keep commenting. I love reading them.
<3 Haley


  1. I feel for you so much. I have always loved running as a hobby, and also as a way to de-stress.

    One of the consequences of my ED is that I can't run for now. It is so hard for me to give it up! I injured my knee pretty badly from overexercise, so on top of my heart problems it is not even an option.

    I use it as a motivation to recover! I'll never be able to run a lot, but one day I will return to a nice, early morning run. Definitely rest the achilles! If you push yourself, you will pay for it later!

    You just made me hungry. That food looks so good. Good job listening to your body's needs. Keep it up and have a great week!

    -Liz =]

  2. Yes, I totally can relate to running. I love to run. Like Liz, I have to put it on the back burner until I am more stable. I agree with Liz, do nuture and take care of your body.

    And no worries, I love to read long posts and to write a long posts! ha ha so you are not alone.

    Love your blog by the way and thanks for your comments on mine :)

  3. Today was a pretty bad day for me too. There are times when I feel so healthy, and well and focused on health, but then it just slips through your fingers like sand. When I first started going to the gym I was excited to have a weight loss tool and something that would let me get rid of all my calorie intake. But then as I focused more on health I realized how fuel was so important and if anything I could eat so much more now that I was exercising. I wanted to eat all the healthy stuff because that's just me. And things got better from there. But there are times like today, when that evil ED comes yelling at at me. I didn't go to the gym today, and I ate, well binged. It's a major setback after months of progress. I need, maybe we both do, to find the balance on days we don't exercise. I know we can do it, I'll be back on track now. But I've always said that. :( I don't know what happened today. You saw my blog post earlier, well... yeah. That was before. Bummer.

  4. Haley, it's great that you did whatever you could to continue with running! I used to run and use the elliptical like crazy when I was ill because I truly thought that I loved running. In actual fact, I'm not really a big fan of it. I always dreamed of running a marathon, but that was only because all the other bloggers were running them left, right and centre and I wanted so badly to be like them. Turns out I'm not like them. I MUCH prefer to walk and I'm okay with walking. In fact, I LOVE walking!! :)

    Holy heck, girl, you are a MIGHTY fast runner!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When you run and you get a little bit of pain, it's best to take a day off so that it doesn't turn into anything serious. If you run and you feel pain, that pain could get worse and it could mean that you won't be able to run for weeks or maybe even months! One day is nothing compared to that.

    Resting is a huge part of training! Just because you aren't moving, your body is using heaps of energy to rejuvenate your muscles and make them stronger. Starving your muscles means that you are weakening them. Ya don't want that :)


  5. I know how you feel about not wanting to eat when you're not exercising. It's tough and I have to remind myself that I won't gain 20 lbs from a few days of rest. up girl! You deserve it. Remember you're doing your body a favor and helping it get healthy and strong.
    Thanks for commenting on my blog, btw!

  6. I'm so happy that running means enough to you that you want to hold on to it without keeping it as a behavior or whatever. I'm still having trouble keeping exercise and weight loss separate.

  7. Haha, I'm in Georgia and the state has practically shut down from the snow... haha and the same thing happened to me w/the running. I started running for the endorphins and to relieve stress. Eventually it became only for ED. Bastard that ED. I"m glad you know you need some more food :)

    Stay strong, hang in there!!!
    ps- i just found our blog- I"d love it if you had a chance to sub and follow mine!

  8. THAT's your type of salad ?? Whoa I'm stuck on that image ! It's unbelievable ! It's SO healthy ! I can't eat that many veggies in one plate without dressing. If anything, kudos to you for that ! Just the thought of biting one of those big onion pieces is making me tear a little. lol