Friday, January 7, 2011

So much to live up to..

Of course it's late again.
And of course I have the most important workout of the year thus far coming up in 8 hours. Plus I have to go in early for treatment for this stupid calf/achilles thing that has been bothering me. Yet, I am still on here! I just feel like I need to say what I have on my mind; otherwise it will be left unsaid..

I just finished reading my boyfriend Connor's blog. He wrote about me for a pretty decently length of time. When I first saw that I felt so loved as well as lucky to have him, but then I read what he wrote of my battling ED and it just made me sad. When I started restricting almost a year ago I never realized that it would end up ruining my life and hurting the ones I love along with myself so very much. Just like everyone else who's been through this, I feel like I never would have gone down this path if I had known that would be the case. Anyway though, this disease is unfortunately very selfish, and it hurts who it wants, the way that it wants.
He mentioned how he can tell that I'm trying really hard to recover, which I love. But he also said how he can see sometimes that "other Haley", not the one he fell in love with, but the one who doubts herself, loves isolation, compares herself to others.. I HATE this girl. Ughh.. I hate how she can take on my same name, and people recognize her as me. I hate that I let her get by me and take over. I hate ED. Sometimes I feel trapped in this person that is restricting, one who is feeling more tired, irritable, weak, and lonely than usual. I just don't know how to get out.

As I've been writing, it's obvious that I am getting better. However, sometimes I wish this process was faster. My therapist (who I haven't seen in over a month, btw. I have a meeting next Wednesday, thank goodness) says that I shouldn't expect my recovery to be quick because getting into this mess wasn't quick. I guess she's right. It took time for these behaviors and this self-detrimental mindset to develop, and so I know it will take just as much if not more time to set myself straight again.
Also, I see my nutritionist Monday which is a really good thing because as I've been getting back to school my eating schedule has been thrown off a pretty good bit due to classes and practice. I can't eat too much for lunch usually because I have practice only three hours afterwards. My stomach's just sensitive like that.
And today we had practice at 2. Considering I didn't finish my last class until 12 and I wasn't home before 12:15, I was only able to have a small snack beforehand. So I go to practice. I run. I meet the new recruit. Am I nice to her? Yes, I try to be at least.. Am I completely Haley? No.. I'm irritable, hungry, and tired. My stomach doesn't actually feel the hunger, of course, but considering the fact that I have been eating so healthy lately to make up for my holiday binges, I feel like my body can tell that it needs more calories. We then finish the run, do circuits (weights & stuff), and I don't get home until dinner time. I know I should have had a Cliff bar after I ran but I didn't want to because I wanted to just go home and eat the sandwich I had been craving all day. *I'll post a pic of my sandwiches on here one day soon. They are epic and huge.* :)
Even though I wasn't necessarily restrictive by choice, (most of the day, anyway) I know my nutritionist would be upset with me and want me to DOUBLE the amount of calories I ate today. I do want to get better, but since I've been at school it's also been much easier to slip into this habit of extremely healthy eating- low cal, low/no fat, non-processed diet (what I was doing all first semester). And while this sounds alright for a normal person I guess, I am not allowed to do it because I burn so many more calories than everyone else. Sometimes it doesn't seem fair, but my nutrionist Kelly says that I should look at it as an opportunity than no one else really has. I mean, it's true! If someone had told me a year and half ago that I needed to gain weight I would've been fine with adding an extra scoop of peanut butter to every meal. Why then, is it so hard now? Grr..
It's the same as I mentioned before, though. I need to learn patience. It's a virtue, I know. Yadayadayada.
And I really need to start allowing for myself to be loved again. By myself, by others, by God. It's easiest to slip back into the ED state of mind when you think you're not worth anything, so why not let the eating disorder overtake you?
I'm gonna beat this thing. One day at a time.

This is a LONG post. Wow. Don't expect it to be read by many! ha. Speaking of which, I am so grateful for my readers and the comments I have been receiving on this blog. They have been such an encouragement, and it means more to me than you know. I never expected anyone to read this other than maybe Connor, so imagine my surprise when I get so many strangers telling me I can do this!
You're all great, and I have so much love for you even though I don't know you.. I know that's weird, but considering you are helping me in ways that some of my closest friends were too afraid or upset to do is really saying something.
I hope everyone has a great weekend! Hopefully I'll kick butt in this workout tomorrow and with my eating afterwards :)
<3 Haley


  1. One day at a time. That's the only way to beat the ED. Your therapist is right - you cannot recover overnight because you didn't get into this mess overnight. My family hasn't been aware of my ED for very long, and it seems like they want a miracle cure...but we know it doesn't work like that!

    I hate that feeling like there is a constant war inside of my head. I know that I have to eat if I want to live, plain and simple. The ED has other ideas.

    I love your posts. Keep going!


  2. I can't wait to see these epic Sandwich pictures! Schedule changes always screwed me up too! But once you get into your routine it should be easy to adjust to your nutritionists plan. Or I hope so :) Hope practice went well!

  3. Hi Haley!

    Thank you for the encouragement on my blog - I hadn't seen yours before! (btw - I'm in love with peanut butter too)

    I completely understand the feeling of wondering who in the world I am when my ED is ruining my life. I look back on pictures when I was my lowest and can't believe I didn't die. I look at my friends who have known what i was struggling with and loved me no matter what-what a blessing!!

    It sounds like Conrad is a HUGE encouragement to you!! I'm so glad you have that close support.

    You can be healthy and work through all the changes! Everyone has a bad day-we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.

    Stay Strong!! <3