Eating- I'm doing much better!
I'm trying to listen to my body and feed it when it's hungry.. but sometimes I have to eat even when I don't really feel all that hungry just cuz I know I need it plus ED is the main thing that is stopping me, anyway.
I overate last night/was on the verge of a binge, but I stopped it.. I am much more aware of myself in these 'binging episodes' now, but the initial thrill of the binge definitely takes me off guard sometimes, and I get caught up in allowing myself to eat whatever I want, when really, I should be allowing myself these foods all the time.
School- Today was the last day of classes for the June semester of summer school. I made a 98 on my last Chemistry test this morning, plus I got 7 points for two bonus questions! That puts me at above a 100 for the class, so I only need a 120/200 on this final Thursday to get an A in the class! That's 60%! Since my lowest test grade is a 96, I think I can do it! :) Ahh, I am so happy all of my hard work has paid off so far.
I also took my last speech test today and got an 88. I barely studied since I was much more worried about Chemistry, but that's okay because I still made a high A in the class! Yay for being done with speech!
Running- Running has been wonderful the past couple days. I really enjoyed my 10 mile run Monday with my teammate Simone. We definitely went sub 7 minute pace after mile 2. She only ran 8 with me, though. I did the last two by myself.
That's usually how it is because my schedule has a little bit more mileage than everyone else. I really like the last bit of my runs though cuz if I feel like I didn't get much out of the run I can go a little faster on the last mile or two. Plus, it's a great time to think about everything.
My stomach hurt on the 8 mile run I had this morning, maybe from eating too much last night? But I stopped eating before 8:00, so that's strange.. Today was a bit slow, but I didn't mind too much mostly because of the fact that my stomach was flopping, plus we had company! We ran with two girls that are gonna be freshman this fall. I cannot believe I am so old! I'll be a junior! These girls probably see me as some kind of veteran on the track, but it's weird cuz I still see myself as a freshman!
We have a Kenyan tempo tomorrow. It's our first sorta-kinda workout of the summer!
4 miles easy, 4 miles progressively faster (ending at long tempo pace), and a 2 mile cooldown.
I'm really excited to get my legs moving and my heart racing! :) Tempos are my favorite!!
swimming every once in a while at the gym here at school. I find it very relaxing, and I'm slowly becoming addicted to it. I don't have goggles yet, so I am constantly running into the side floaty thingys. It's really annoying. For the life of me I cannot remember what that string is called right now. It's bugging me!! Ha, blonde moment! :P.
I'm pretty sure the lifeguards all laugh at me cuz my form is still pretty bad, and you can tell that I get frustrated with the side floaty thingys cuz I'll push them out of the way and swim harder, ha.
Anyway, I'm going home this weekend and getting goggles and hopefully a one piece swimsuit! I've been swimming in a sports bra and spandex.
|(Part of) Lunch today: Yummy bowl of chocolate oatmeal/oatbran |
with a banana fudge pudding + added almond milk swirled on top.
She responded with, "Did you mean to send that to me? I hope you did. I love you so much, and I miss you."
It made me tear up a little, but I responded, "Yes. I meant to send that to you. I miss you, too."
Today I also texted her about my Chemistry test.. She relapsed *cocaine & alcohol (for those that didn't know)* before I had even taken a test in the class, so she had no idea how I was doing, but she knew I had been worried about it since I don't consider myself to be very good at science..
Anyway, apparently Mom is getting her cervical cancer removed and then going to rehab. I heard all of this from my grandmother. I don't have any expectations, but I do hope that something changes this time around.
For now, I am taking things one day at a time.
Since I was 7, my dad has told me to be happy for every moment that we get with Mom rather than being sad about the ones we miss.. I always thought this was dumb since you're supposed to get time/have a relationship with your mom; it shouldn't be a privilege. But I understand that with addiction, things are different. Each day is a battle. So I am grateful that at least today she is sober.
Body Image- Still fighting ED voices..
Today I was looking back at pictures of me from earlier this semester, and I was shocked to see that I was so thin during these months where I thought I looked like a hippo! It's crazy how ED distorts our perceptions of our bodies..
So I know that I think that I look really fat/out of control/overweight now, but that is probably not the case.
I'm trying to remember that my body is stronger than ever before. I would never have been able to break 34 minutes in the 10k at 107 pounds, something that my 122 pound body CAN do, though. :)
*Sorry if the numbers are triggering. I have always used them on my blog.. For some reason numbers don't trigger me, but I know everyone is different. I hope no one uses my weight as a reason to restrict. Please don't. It's not worth it.*
|I thought I'd remember the moment of a day where I'm NOT wearing tempo shorts and a t-shirt by taking a pic.|
I dressed up one day last week to give a speech. :)
So it's strange that I know it's not worth it, yet the temptation to go back to my old lifestyle is so strong sometimes, just because I didn't feel all the pain then that I do now.
I didn't feel much of anything, though.
And like some of you have said in comments on here, recovery opens a floodgate of emotions. As hard as it is, it's better to feel these emotions, both the good and the bad, than feeling nothing at all. I have to remind myself of this when things get tough.
Okay, so this was long. And it was only supposed to be a brief update- both for my sanity's sake and yours! I didn't want you all worrying about me.
Thank you for all of the concerns and prayers. They mean so much to me.
Each and every comment touches my heart more than you know. I read them over and over, reminding myself that a life with ED is no life at all.
Sometimes I get scared of who I will be without some sort of food addiction, but I am slowly finding that out, and honestly, I like this
|My beloved sweet potato wedges baked in some cinnamon and maple syrup.|
Originally, there were quite a few more wedges on the plate (I pick out the biggest sweet potatoes at the store!!), but I couldn't resist eating some before snapping this!
P.s. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org for anyone who wants to email/talk to me. *hint: Corrie ;) But that definitely goes for everyone, for anything! <3