Sunday, June 26, 2011

It's a New Day

Okay, so last night obviously wasn't the best for me..
I restricted my calories to about 800 before 5:00, and I ended up way overeating before and during dinner.
I guess it wasn't a binge, but it was still wasn't normal eating behavior.

When Connor texted me at 8:30 to skype, I was feeling very depressed and disappointed in myself.
I wasn't in the mood to talk, and I let him know this.
Luckily, Connor was in a pretty good mood and he was feeling stubborn I guess, cuz he said he wouldn't hang up until I was feeling better.

He forced me to talk about what was bothering me, which I didn't want to do because I don't really like talking about my eating problems or self-confidence issues with Connor. No one wants to date someone with so many problems, right?
So I told him about how lonely I've been feeling. I expressed that I feel like a failure both in running and in school. I'm not doing poorly in either, yet they both seem to be taking so much more effort than I expected in order to yield the results I want. I also told him how badly it hurts that I don't have my mom anymore. I don't know why I have felt so abandoned recently. I think about her more than ever, and the pain is just unbearable.

I feel guilty for being angry with her. After all, she has an addiction. So do I. Who am I to judge her? 
But then I know that if I forgive her and let her back into my life again she'll just hurt me at some point when I least expect it.
So it's all kind of confusing and I feel very conflicted.
A picture from last Saturday's long run at the Refuge. P.s. I love these girls
Anyway, Connor was the best listener, (he usually is), but he was also great about giving me some advice last night. He reminded me that what's in the past is in the past. I can't worry about the weight gain from the binges or the fact that my last race didn't go as well as I wanted. Making up for all of my past mistakes won't work. The only thing I can do is try to make my life better starting now.
I don't really know what that means in terms of my mom, but it does make me feel much better about summer school, running, and eating.

I finished writing my last speech today, and I present it tomorrow. Then I have a speech test Tuesday.
My last Chemistry test is also Tuesday, and then I have the final on Thursday.
I have A's in these subjects at the moment, and I know that if I continue to work hard I will pull out an A in both classes.

Running is another story. My summer running schedule is broken up into three cycles. We just finished the last day of cycle 1 today. That means I'm only 1/3 of the way through with my training. Therefore, there is no need to freak out right now if I'm not as lean/fit as I know I need to be to race at the level I want to. If I continue to work hard, I'll get there.
Picture from the long run yesterday morning.
I'm second from the left.. I used this picture as proof to Connor that I'm fat now.
I know that's ridiculous, though. Plus it shouldn't matter anyway.
I guess I finally realized that I'd much rather be happy than anorexic.
As for eating, Connor recommended that I start to follow a schedule, sort of like a meal plan I guess. That way I don't end up eating too little for the day and then have to make up with it in these binging episodes. I thought it was a great idea. I had thought of it before, but I hadn't wanted to be constricted to the confines of a meal plan if I wanted something different that day. However, I'm allowing myself to be flexible with it, and hopefully it won't hinder my cravings or anything.

I started today with this new outlook, and it's working well so far. I've had a great day. :)
I have also been talking to God these past couple days, and whenever that happens I feel so much safer. I no longer feel the need to run to food or exercise as a source of comfort or a way to mask my pain.
I'm hoping that my relationship with Him continues to grow, because I know that it is only good for me.

If I look at all of the things that I am blessed with, there is no reason for me to be sad. I have friends and family that love me. I have the best boyfriend in the world. I have the ability to run, and I love every second of it. I am intelligent, and I am blessed with the opportunity to go to school to further my education. Some don't even get this much.
So all in all, life is good when you look at it from the right perspective.
It's easy to think that the grass is greener on the other side when you can only see yours..

I want to thank you all so much for the encouraging emails and comments I've been receiving.
I know it's no fun to read about someone who's going through so much and doesn't seem to be in a happy place, but you all have supported me beyond what I had ever dreamed.
I send you all my love, and I hope that you have the hope and determination that things will get better just like I do today. I'll try to maintain this attitude, cuz life's much better this way. :)

I'm excited for 10 glorious miles of running tomorrow morning. And for the conversation I'll be having with God, thanking him for the many gifts that I have been blessed with. :)
<3 Haley


  1. You are by NO MEANS fat, girl!! You and your boy seem to have the sweetest relationship--y'all are BEYOND adorable! I LOVE how guys are often great listeners :)

  2. Haley, I've been learning a lot things from you this year and still learning a lot from you.

    "Making up for all of my past mistakes won't work. The only thing I can do is try to make my life better starting now.”

    This is a great saying. I will keep this in my mind too!

    you are blessed. great friends, great family, and great boyfriend. I love how much Conner loves you and cares about you and treat you. and I love that you guys have a great relationship with each other :) :) :)
    and I love your attitude here! You can do whatever you think you can! Positiveness is the greatest thing. You are strong Haley. Don't forget that!

    Love you! Megumi :)

  3. Aaaaaaah sorry Hales I've been out the past couple of days and I missed your last post!! Probably a good thin for your sanity's sake cos I would've bombarded your inbox with email love:)

    You are too right in everything you say!! Connor sounds like a great guy, and you are so blessed to have so many awesome people in your life! And that is my favourite thing EVER about long runs!! Over an hour of just chatting with God?! Uh, yes please!!

    LOVE YOU and I missed you too!! <3

    P.S. You have a rockin' body so don't ever say you don't because I really will spam your inbox:)

  4. You are so beautiful Haley - I really mean that. And fat!!!! I have no idea what lies ED has been feeding you, because nothing could be further from the truth.

    Please keep hanging on Haley. I know things get difficult sometimes, but I know you can make it though!

  5. Haley! I know you have no idea who I am and I keep creepin on the blog but you've been so helpful to me in my hard times! Keep being honest with yourself and others and don't beat yourself up because you're doing such a great job-seriously.

    Also, you are soooo toned and lean and have a great body! I know that probably doesn't help since the ED voice is so strong but really you are so beautiful. I know one day you can believe you have an amazing body:)

  6. You're so lucky to have Connor in your life. He seems like an awesome guy from everything you write about him.

    You don't look fat at all in that pic! You look great and it looks like you guys had a great run. I hope your 10-miler today went well too.

    Following a schedule is probably a really good idea, but it's so hard to schedule some things. I mean, you could try to schedule in meals or snacks but what if your team members or friends randomly want to go out or something? It's hard to do because even though eating on a regular basis is good for your body, even if you have to schedule it, but then scheduling/planning/organizing can take the fun out of life and (for me, at least) can actually trigger even more sometimes.


  7. Incredible post.
    Glad Conner could be as helpful as he was, I'm praying for someone like that in my life.

    Happy you've had a great day :) Don't think it can't last, because it can.

    Praying for you!

  8. Girl you are amazing, don't ever forget that! You are gorgeous too, and not even close to fat! You have such a great, in-shape body but I know that ED can make the truth hard to see in the mirror. I think Connor's idea about having a meal plan is really great. I think knowing what you're going to eat can prevent restriction and bingeing and it'll help you on the path to intuitive eating. Keep pushing through the thoughts and guilt and try to see the good in every day!

  9. Angel,

    I don't know your history with your mum but I am here to listen. FB or otherwise.

    What I will say is the anger is normal.
    My ex has her issues and it has taken me so so so long to realise that taking her back in, and her letting me down etc is just so repetitive.
    I ended up walking away.
    Obviously I cannot tell you what to do but I am here.

    As for running and school.
    You do amazing and I am sorry that you are feeling that way.

    Trust the boy, trust yourself and above all, remember how amazing you are xxx

  10. I am so happy you're doing a little better. One day at a time! Sometimes you just need to make a little change to help move yourself in the right direction. Connor sounds like he really cares and I think he must be such a positive influence. It's so important to be around those types of people and let them help you.
    You are gorgeous! Shut out all the negative talk. It's not worth it to let all the lies bring you down. I know, it's easier said than done, but ED never lets it come easy!

  11. Connor sounds like an amazing guy, Im so glad you have him in your life! And the two of you makes such a beautiful couple!
    Im so happy that you feel a little better today! I hope the meal plan will help you eat enough, and help you over eat less! It sounds like a good plan, just remember to listen to your cravings too ;)
    I wish you all the best in the week to come<3