It's a New Day

Okay, so last night obviously wasn't the best for me..
I restricted my calories to about 800 before 5:00, and I ended up way overeating before and during dinner.
I guess it wasn't a binge, but it was still wasn't normal eating behavior.

When Connor texted me at 8:30 to skype, I was feeling very depressed and disappointed in myself.
I wasn't in the mood to talk, and I let him know this.
Luckily, Connor was in a pretty good mood and he was feeling stubborn I guess, cuz he said he wouldn't hang up until I was feeling better.

He forced me to talk about what was bothering me, which I didn't want to do because I don't really like talking about my eating problems or self-confidence issues with Connor. No one wants to date someone with so many problems, right?
So I told him about how lonely I've been feeling. I expressed that I feel like a failure both in running and in school. I'm not doing poorly in either, yet they both seem to be taking so much more effort than I expected in order to yield the results I want. I also told him how badly it hurts that I don't have my mom anymore. I don't know why I have felt so abandoned recently. I think about her more than ever, and the pain is just unbearable.

I feel guilty for being angry with her. After all, she has an addiction. So do I. Who am I to judge her? 
But then I know that if I forgive her and let her back into my life again she'll just hurt me at some point when I least expect it.
So it's all kind of confusing and I feel very conflicted.

A picture from last Saturday's long run at the Refuge. P.s. I love these girls

Anyway, Connor was the best listener, (he usually is), but he was also great about giving me some advice last night. He reminded me that what's in the past is in the past. I can't worry about the weight gain from the binges or the fact that my last race didn't go as well as I wanted. Making up for all of my past mistakes won't work. The only thing I can do is try to make my life better starting now.
I don't really know what that means in terms of my mom, but it does make me feel much better about summer school, running, and eating.

I finished writing my last speech today, and I present it tomorrow. Then I have a speech test Tuesday.
My last Chemistry test is also Tuesday, and then I have the final on Thursday.
I have A's in these subjects at the moment, and I know that if I continue to work hard I will pull out an A in both classes.

Running is another story. My summer running schedule is broken up into three cycles. We just finished the last day of cycle 1 today. That means I'm only 1/3 of the way through with my training. Therefore, there is no need to freak out right now if I'm not as lean/fit as I know I need to be to race at the level I want to. If I continue to work hard, I'll get there.

Picture from the long run yesterday morning.
I'm second from the left.. I used this picture as proof to Connor that I'm fat now.
I know that's ridiculous, though. Plus it shouldn't matter anyway.
I guess I finally realized that I'd much rather be happy than anorexic.

As for eating, Connor recommended that I start to follow a schedule, sort of like a meal plan I guess. That way I don't end up eating too little for the day and then have to make up with it in these binging episodes. I thought it was a great idea. I had thought of it before, but I hadn't wanted to be constricted to the confines of a meal plan if I wanted something different that day. However, I'm allowing myself to be flexible with it, and hopefully it won't hinder my cravings or anything.

I started today with this new outlook, and it's working well so far. I've had a great day. :)
I have also been talking to God these past couple days, and whenever that happens I feel so much safer. I no longer feel the need to run to food or exercise as a source of comfort or a way to mask my pain.
I'm hoping that my relationship with Him continues to grow, because I know that it is only good for me.

If I look at all of the things that I am blessed with, there is no reason for me to be sad. I have friends and family that love me. I have the best boyfriend in the world. I have the ability to run, and I love every second of it. I am intelligent, and I am blessed with the opportunity to go to school to further my education. Some don't even get this much.
So all in all, life is good when you look at it from the right perspective.
It's easy to think that the grass is greener on the other side when you can only see yours..

I want to thank you all so much for the encouraging emails and comments I've been receiving.
I know it's no fun to read about someone who's going through so much and doesn't seem to be in a happy place, but you all have supported me beyond what I had ever dreamed.
I send you all my love, and I hope that you have the hope and determination that things will get better just like I do today. I'll try to maintain this attitude, cuz life's much better this way. :)

I'm excited for 10 glorious miles of running tomorrow morning. And for the conversation I'll be having with God, thanking him for the many gifts that I have been blessed with. :)
<3 Haley