I don't know why, but it seems like ED is louder than ever.
I guess cuz I'm super stressed with school and everything.
I know that running shouldn't be adding extra stress in my life, but it is.
I love it so much, but I feel like I'm not good enough right now.
I need to be faster. I need to be leaner.
I have to be the best.
It's really dumb. And the drive to be perfect is making me want to restrict and then after a while of restricting all I want to do is binge.
It's not a fun cycle :/
Luckily the binging has subsided a pretty good bit this past week, but still..
I know that it would stop if I give myself enough fuel every day. It's just hard post-binge days when I know that I need to lose the weight of the previous binge.
When I went home last weekend I had no urge to binge. Okay, maybe a little.. but I didn't! I think it's because I finally felt satisfied with who I was and where I was..
I got to see some friends.
I was with Connor. I could see/feel/experience the love that he has for me, and it was so great. It reminded me that I am worth something to someone.
Since I'm staying in Starkville over summer, I don't get to experience that very often.
I'm lonely.. really lonely.
My roommate lives with Renee, a fellow teammate, and they spend all of their time together.
My other roommate moved out. All of my friends are back home, and I don't have much besides chemistry and speech to occupy my time here. And there's only so much studying one can do.
I guess my ED seems to be the only thing I have sometimes, and I cling to it as a companion of sorts.. how sad is that. :/
Anyway, my grandma called me earlier this week.
She said my mom burst into tears when she found out that I went home last weekend..
What did she expect? For all I know she was out getting high/prostituting herself for drugs.
But apparently she's sober now, and that means that I should just instantly forgive her.
It's hard when I know that she'll just hurt me again, though.
Part of me just wants to stay mad at her forever so that I don't have to deal with that hurt again.
My mom had grown into one of my best friends these past couple years of her sobriety.. I finally knew what it was like to be able to have a relationship with the one that gave birth to me.. now that's all over.
So all in all, I wouldn't say I'm doing too great.
I'm not in terrible shape, though, either.
I just miss being happy.
Sorry this post is uber debby downer :/