I don't know why, but it seems like ED is louder than ever.
I guess cuz I'm super stressed with school and everything.
I know that running shouldn't be adding extra stress in my life, but it is.
I love it so much, but I feel like I'm not good enough right now.
I need to be faster. I need to be leaner.
I have to be the best.
It's really dumb. And the drive to be perfect is making me want to restrict and then after a while of restricting all I want to do is binge.
It's not a fun cycle :/
Luckily the binging has subsided a pretty good bit this past week, but still..
I know that it would stop if I give myself enough fuel every day. It's just hard post-binge days when I know that I need to lose the weight of the previous binge.
When I went home last weekend I had no urge to binge. Okay, maybe a little.. but I didn't! I think it's because I finally felt satisfied with who I was and where I was..
I got to see some friends.
I was with Connor. I could see/feel/experience the love that he has for me, and it was so great. It reminded me that I am worth something to someone.
Since I'm staying in Starkville over summer, I don't get to experience that very often.
I'm lonely.. really lonely.
My roommate lives with Renee, a fellow teammate, and they spend all of their time together.
My other roommate moved out. All of my friends are back home, and I don't have much besides chemistry and speech to occupy my time here. And there's only so much studying one can do.
I guess my ED seems to be the only thing I have sometimes, and I cling to it as a companion of sorts.. how sad is that. :/
Anyway, my grandma called me earlier this week.
She said my mom burst into tears when she found out that I went home last weekend..
What did she expect? For all I know she was out getting high/prostituting herself for drugs.
But apparently she's sober now, and that means that I should just instantly forgive her.
It's hard when I know that she'll just hurt me again, though.
Part of me just wants to stay mad at her forever so that I don't have to deal with that hurt again.
My mom had grown into one of my best friends these past couple years of her sobriety.. I finally knew what it was like to be able to have a relationship with the one that gave birth to me.. now that's all over.
So all in all, I wouldn't say I'm doing too great.
I'm not in terrible shape, though, either.
I just miss being happy.
Sorry this post is uber debby downer :/
<3 Haley
You're still in school? And ah I have been feeling pretty low too. And the starve/ binge cycles suck don't they?! I'm sorry you have to keep going through the stuff with your mom. Also, sometimes I feel bad for having a bad day/week or whatever. But you know what, it's NORMAL to not be happy all the time! It' s ok to express feelings, even if they're not the best because it's unrealistic to feel great all the time. Also, without the hard times you never can appreciate the good times.
ReplyDeleteTurn to Jesus Haley because he cares and loves you!
xoxo
Praying for you Haley..
ReplyDeleteThe beginning of this post? I can actually say I understand where you are coming from, because that's how I feel right now too.. in this season of my life.
Oh Haley, I'm sorry you have to be dealing with all this! I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to fight against the urges to restrict and binge. I wish I could be there for you so you'd be less lonely :) Keep trusting in Jesus, know that I'm praying for you and remember that the blogging community is rooting for you to beat ED!
ReplyDeleteSweetie it's great that you didn't go home and have a massive binge! Out of all of this that is an amazing achievement. I'm sorry things are rocky with you and your mom. I can understand that you feel like you've been betrayed because you have! But at the same time it's an addiction like you have with your eating disorder. You both use your disorders as a method of coping.
ReplyDeleteI wish there was more that I could say but try to look at the positive things going on. Remember that we love you and we are here to support you <3
xxx
haley im so sorry- u are just goin thru a rough patch right now..things will get better its just one of those times.. and we are HERE for you- dont feel lonely cuz altho we arent all there in person we are thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts :)
ReplyDeleteI'm struggling with a lot of the same things you are right now. I wish we were in the same town so that we could spend time together and help each other out. I'm going to call you sometime this week so that we can catch up. I love you so much and am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteHaley, it sounds like the stuff with your mom is really what is triggering your eating disorder. I don't think it is the running that is making you feel like you aren't good enough, but the fact that your moms slip backward makes you not feel good enough. I went through the same thing with my dad, and when he would slip, it would make me feel like I wasn't worth recovering for. Forgiveness takes time, and don't be hard on yourself that you aren't there yet. Trust is a hard thing to win back when it has been broken time and again. Keep fighting through this. I know you can do it! Sending all my love <3
ReplyDeleteHey there! Just found your blog through Daily Mile. I can totally relate to you on many grounds. EDs suck. Big time. Sometimes I feel like it completely consumes me... We need to be strong and push through. Praying for you <3
ReplyDeleteHaley <3
ReplyDeleteit makes me so so sad to read this! I wish I could be there and give you a huge hug!
I can not understand how your life is, with you mom and all going on. But I can relate to the feelinbg of lonelyness, and the urge to starve/binge. I work so much on this too, and it is hard to let my body get what it calls for- food! And I hate it, because I know it will only lead to a new binge.
You will get out of this Haley, I am sure!! Give it time, and take care of your self!
Love you<3
Hey Haley. I wish I could give you a big hug!!
ReplyDeleteI know it's tough, but try to remember all the good things in life and that restricing does NOT help anything.
You are so strong and beautiful - keep holding on!
<3
*hugs* really sorry about everything with your mom. Family issues for me can really trigger my ED too and set it off and make me restrict big time. Unfortunately, there's only so much you (or I) can control, eventually you do all you can and that's it. You can't control other people's actions, just your own and your reaction to their actions.
ReplyDeleteI get super lonely too. I work in a pretty introverted company, so I don't really have lunch buddies or anything like that. I kinda just sit at my desk all day, eat lunch at my desk, and work. I run and other stuff, but hubby works a weird shift so we don't get to do much together either. Being alone I can restrict all I want pretty much, but then if I was with others, I'd eat more, therefore wanting to purge or either feeling extremely guilty about it. I don't think I can win for losing either...
A.L.
Oh I wish you didn't have to deal with all of that with your mom. I can't imagine how difficult that is. I think it's a real testiment to your character that you didn't follow the same path as her. Sure, the eating disorder is a struggle that you have but you've turned out to be someone with a good sense of right and wrong.
ReplyDeleteI hope that running competitively isn't hindering you though. If it's really stressing you out maybe it would be wise to distance yourself a little? But you do love it so much, I know that would be really tough! But try to focus on why you do it. For the love of running, not to "be the best". Sometimes I think eating disorders and perfectionism go hand in hand. Lol!