Thursday, June 16, 2011

No more veins..

I looked down in class today and realized that I can't see the veins on my arms anymore.. not like I used to, anyway. For some reason it really affected me :/
I know that's stupid, but I just miss feeling thin. I feel so fat. And I hate it.
I want to diet to lose weight, but every time I try I end up binging. So I guess that's not the way to go. It's just so hard to accept myself right now.

Sorry this is so depressed sounding.. I'm really not doing all that bad. I just wish I felt comfortable in this body. I wish I didn't wonder what others were thinking when they notice the weight gain. They probably think I'm so out of control. That's how I feel, anyway.

Okay, next post will be happier, promise.


  1. You aren't overweight, even though you may feel like it. I know it's hard to shake the "fat feeling," but just focus on the positive--like that fact that you can run 8.5 miles today! :) Strong is better than skinny!!

  2. Angel pie, you are mini mini and I know right now you don't *feel* that, you won't.
    You didn't *feel thin* when you were thinner, and you won't feel feel okay in yourself for a long time.
    I know that is hard to hear, but just hang in there.
    If you can keep fighting through all of this, you will get through.
    You have come too far to go back.
    Use all you have around you to help you accept yourself.
    Think of the things you are good at, so even if you are focusing on things you achieve, allow that to boost your self esteem, which ultimately effects how you view your body.
    Use the boy and all close to you.
    Everyone around you will probably be feeling a degree of relief that you are fighting this.
    Stay strong and PLEASE write me anytime.
    I love you xxx

  3. Girl, I'm sorry you're feeling this way! I hate feeling horrible about my body and not being able to do anything about it. But know that you are no where near fat! You are a beautiful woman and in God's eyes, you are perfect.

  4. remember what i said this look good, you look beautiful, you look normal, you look great, you don't look like a freak any more.

    we (and yes i am speaking for everyone who sees you run half naked through campus) we all think your body is banging hot. the thought "fat" never even enters our minds haley. YOU HAVE BOOBS!!!! YOU HAVE A BUTT!!! HECK YES!!! EMBRACE THIS GIFT!!! we don't see you as "out of control" at when you looked like the walking dead...that is when we thought you were out of control (even though you thought you were "in control")

    embrace your beauty. embrace the happiness and freedom. embrace the positive attitude you have had now since you started fueling yourself. embrace the fact that connor has put up with you through everything and that he isn't going to leave you. embrace the fact that you have friends who continually lift you up and want nothing but the best for you. embrace the fact that haley, i'm not going to lie to you. my a$$ size > your a$$ size....yeah, i'll let you know when it gets as big as mine lol gahhhh.

    look we all have these little "imperfections" when really the are perfections. change those voices in your head and put on a new pair of glasses you gorgeous, new you!

    i'm honestly going to slap you in the morning :) and then you can slap my butt like BAM! on my blog.

    ♥ love you hay

  5. *hugs* Haley you are gorgeous, seriously. You're strong, fast, healthier... the pictures of you on your last blog at nationals, you really do look healthy and strong. Having veins that show isn't healthy and strong- and you don't need to lose anymore weight... the numbers that really matter are how awesome you're doing in races and the face that you can run EIGHT miles. So many people would give anything to do that- shoot, I wish I could run 8 right now! I hope things get easier for you soon *hugs*.


  6. :) This is your blog and you can write whatever you want, happy or not! You don't have to worry about what people "want" to read because everything you write is for you. Like everyone has said you are truly beautiful and will always be! Love you!

  7. REMEMBER your goals and who u wnt to be in ur future... ED wouldnt let u get there- stay focused and stay positive! we all have down days (aka MY LAST POST), but that doenst mean its an excuse to go back to old ways :)

  8. Haley, remember that no one wants to see veins. I had horrible veins on my legs that grossed people out when they saw them. It even grossed me out. Be proud of yourself for not having sticky out veins! Sure, it means you're gaining weight but that's a GOOD thing! You're absolutely beautiful, Haley, and I'm not just saying that. Even MORE so without yucky green veins showing!!

    Love you lots <3

  9. You so so so so so are NOT fat, overweight, chubby. Nope. I agree with movesnmunchies, remember those long term goals and why you are in recovery (because ED SUCKKSSS)

    Lots of love and support!

  10. Haley I say this TOTALLY honestly that you look SO slim and strong and you have the HOTTEST bod EVER!! (Creep Emma is back!! :P) Seriously, anyone would KILL to look like you!! Veins are blech anyway:)

    And do you remember how miserable you were when you were in the grip of your ED? And how much happier you are now generally? Just remember how AWESOME life is and that you are beautiful and LOVED and here's a BIG EMMA HUG for you <3

  11. I have the same body image issues, especially now that I'm physically unable to log any sort of mileage like I used to (MAYBE like 10 miles a week... ugh).

    But it's funny... my boyfriend tells me he likes my body and it's just so hard to see it for myself... I look back at old pictures when I was "in shape" in the midst of track season and pine for that old body. But at the time, I was highly unsatisfied with my body BACK THEN!

    It's definitely frustrating. Most other people would kill for our bodies (especially living in the present time with obesity on the upswing), yet here we are SO unhappy.

    I think it's time we embrace the bodies God has given us! We're beautiful women made in His image, and I think a lot of the time, we let society's image of "beautiful" skew our own perceptions!

  12. Virtual Hugs! It's so hard to try to be healthy when you feel like you're never good enough. I used to judge myself on the space between my legs, my veins, etc., and it's such a destructive cycle. It's so sad how our perceptions have been totally skewed by eating disorders and society. This blog is your place to vent though, so don't worry about sounding depressing. You know that we are all supporting you and want the best for you!