The truth can be hard to take *and give*.

To catch you all up, I ran at Nationals last Wednesday night.
17th place.
Hardest race of my life.
We went out dreadfully slow (literally 6 minute pace), and then picked it up which just killed me for some reason.
My stomach was cramping almost the entire time *started after mile 1*, and my calves were so tight that last mile that I thought they might tear! Seriously, so uncomfortable, ha!
Anywayyy, it's over now.
Sucks that I went out in the way that I did, but I did try my best. I can only be happy with that.

10k at Nationals!!

While I was at Nationals I read Portia de Rossi's autobiography dealing with her battle with anorexia nervosa. I'm sure many of you have heard of/read Unbearable Lightness. Wow. It was a very difficult read for me. I thought it'd be no problem since I am not a person who is easily triggered. But man did it test me! Especially since I was dealing with the mom situation, track season ending (meaning I would be taking a break from running/exercise), and being isolated/away from everyone for almost a week. *Yes, my track team was there, but only the sprinters, and we don't always flow in the same circles. I just missed my distance girls.*

Portia at her lowest weight. This picture is also in her book. She looks so sick. It's sad.

Anyway, it was hard to read, yes, but I am so glad that I did. The epilogue is by far the best part of the book. I highlighted so much of what she said on my Kindle that my dad bought me for my birthday (love it, btw). She asserted that diets do not work. Restriction does not work. When I say they don't work, I mean that one cannot live her life denying herself certain foods. It's both physically and emotionally depriving and harmful, in the end.
Something that really shocked me was that she went from 82 to 168 pounds in 10 MONTHS. Wow.
She spoke of the high she would get from eating. It was the same she used to get with restriction, except now no foods were off limits. She would then feel terrible about bingeing and go on afterwards eating salad with no dressing and only fruits for snacks, etc.. Yet then she would find that she'd go back to bingeing. See a correlation? Restriction-->binge.
It was as if I could have written these words!
Now she lives her life without restriction, bingeing, or guilt. She no longer exercises, which I was so surprised to hear considering how great she looks and how obsessed she was with it when she was suffering from anorexia. She's now at a happy weight, though, and more importantly she is happy within herself!

Random, but I just got a blender, and I am now obsessed with green smoothies. :)

Back to me, I guess.. Like I said earlier, the past few weeks have been much harder than I would have expected, but I am getting by. I'll be honest. So much so that it hurts.
Some of these days I have been eating so light/healthy throughout the day that I just go home at night to eat my face off. I binge. I can't stop. It all tastes so good, and I never allow myself these foods normally.
The next day I'll forgive myself. "We can start over", I think. By the end of the day I have eaten 800 calories. Not enough, especially when I'm running, I know. :/
And then the next day I'll binge again.
This has happened a couple of times...
I wasn't planning on talking about it in my blog.
This blog started out as a diary of sorts for my daily thoughts/struggles, mostly dealing with recovery from ED. But now I feel that I have so many people that follow me, respect me, and expect things of me. For me to tell you all that I have restricted, binged (repeat) is extremely difficult.


I know it's really stupid, but on those days when I eat so light/little.. I get that high again and think, "Hey, maybe I can do what I did last summer.. ya know, work out a bunch, eat light/healthy, and lose some weight. I'll just stop it before it gets to be too much." But I know that that mindset is already distorted. If I continually fall pray to eating sub 1500 calories it's just going to turn into a game of 'let's see how much we can lose.' And I don't want that. Because more than losing weight, I lose confidence, happiness, the love I feel for others as well as myself, and all that I have accomplished thus far in my recovery.

I just need to work on this balancing act, which might be hard since I can't even walk without tripping as it is ;) ha, jk. *I think I'm funny, btw*
But really, it's hard, cuz like the title of my blog, I am an all or nothing kind of girl woman. Life doesn't work like that, though. We're not supposed to be one thing or the other. Do this and not that. There shouldn't be limits of what we can do, where we can go, who we become.
I don't want to be 82 pounds. I don't want to be 168 pounds.
I don't want my life to be defined by food. Or running. Or school. Or my relationship with my mother.
How stupid. No one thing should be that important.

Ultimately, life is good.

I feel so much better after writing all of this. It seems that I never know where my blog posts are gonna go. I'm so scatterbrained; I'm all over the place. But I'm happy that I shared this. It feels good to know that I have the support of all of you beautiful women. And I have you to hold me accountable, as well. *Plus Renee, my teammate, who sees me everyday. I know she's reading, and she'll make sure I'm nourishing my body <3*

Okay, so my stomach is growling. I know I haven't had enough today. Off to eat something!

Oh, before I go.. I am planning on doing a post soon in which I share my story of how ED entered/took over my life. Gross, right? Anyway, let me know if there's anything in particular you would like to know cuz knowing me, I probably will not cover everything!

Love you all so much.
Thank you for commenting, reading, praying.. It is all very much appreciated.
<3 Haley

P.p.s. Sorryyyy for my absence from the blogging community. Not posting, and not commenting, either! I didn't have internet for a while, and then I was out of town with Nationals and have been so behind on summer school. Tonight is the first night in forever that I don't feel like I have a million things on my plate. And I still have a speech to give tomorrow morning, ha! Things are calming down, though, so I'll be around more soon, promise. :)