Hardest race of my life.
We went out dreadfully slow (literally 6 minute pace), and then picked it up which just killed me for some reason.
My stomach was cramping almost the entire time *started after mile 1*, and my calves were so tight that last mile that I thought they might tear! Seriously, so uncomfortable, ha!
Anywayyy, it's over now.
Sucks that I went out in the way that I did, but I did try my best. I can only be happy with that.
|10k at Nationals!!|
|Portia at her lowest weight. This picture is also in her book. She looks so sick. It's sad.|
Something that really shocked me was that she went from 82 to 168 pounds in 10 MONTHS. Wow.
She spoke of the high she would get from eating. It was the same she used to get with restriction, except now no foods were off limits. She would then feel terrible about bingeing and go on afterwards eating salad with no dressing and only fruits for snacks, etc.. Yet then she would find that she'd go back to bingeing. See a correlation? Restriction-->binge.
It was as if I could have written these words!
Now she lives her life without restriction, bingeing, or guilt. She no longer exercises, which I was so surprised to hear considering how great she looks and how obsessed she was with it when she was suffering from anorexia. She's now at a happy weight, though, and more importantly she is happy within herself!
|Random, but I just got a blender, and I am now obsessed with green smoothies. :)|
Some of these days I have been eating so light/healthy throughout the day that I just go home at night to eat my face off. I binge. I can't stop. It all tastes so good, and I never allow myself these foods normally.
The next day I'll forgive myself. "We can start over", I think. By the end of the day I have eaten 800 calories. Not enough, especially when I'm running, I know. :/
And then the next day I'll binge again.
This has happened a couple of times...
I wasn't planning on talking about it in my blog.
This blog started out as a diary of sorts for my daily thoughts/struggles, mostly dealing with recovery from ED. But now I feel that I have so many people that follow me, respect me, and expect things of me. For me to tell you all that I have restricted, binged (repeat) is extremely difficult.
I know it's really stupid, but on those days when I eat so light/little.. I get that high again and think, "Hey, maybe I can do what I did last summer.. ya know, work out a bunch, eat light/healthy, and lose some weight. I'll just stop it before it gets to be too much." But I know that that mindset is already distorted. If I continually fall pray to eating sub 1500 calories it's just going to turn into a game of 'let's see how much we can lose.' And I don't want that. Because more than losing weight, I lose confidence, happiness, the love I feel for others as well as myself, and all that I have accomplished thus far in my recovery.
I just need to work on this balancing act, which might be hard since I can't even walk without tripping as it is ;) ha, jk. *I think I'm funny, btw*
But really, it's hard, cuz like the title of my blog, I am an all or nothing kind of
I don't want to be 82 pounds. I don't want to be 168 pounds.
I don't want my life to be defined by food. Or running. Or school. Or my relationship with my mother.
How stupid. No one thing should be that important.
|Ultimately, life is good.|
Okay, so my stomach is growling. I know I haven't had enough today. Off to eat something!
Oh, before I go.. I am planning on doing a post soon in which I share my story of how ED entered/took over my life. Gross, right? Anyway, let me know if there's anything in particular you would like to know cuz knowing me, I probably will not cover everything!
Love you all so much.
Thank you for commenting, reading, praying.. It is all very much appreciated.
P.p.s. Sorryyyy for my absence from the blogging community. Not posting, and not commenting, either! I didn't have internet for a while, and then I was out of town with Nationals and have been so behind on summer school. Tonight is the first night in forever that I don't feel like I have a million things on my plate. And I still have a speech to give tomorrow morning, ha! Things are calming down, though, so I'll be around more soon, promise. :)