Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The truth can be hard to take *and give*.

To catch you all up, I ran at Nationals last Wednesday night.
17th place.
Hardest race of my life.
We went out dreadfully slow (literally 6 minute pace), and then picked it up which just killed me for some reason.
My stomach was cramping almost the entire time *started after mile 1*, and my calves were so tight that last mile that I thought they might tear! Seriously, so uncomfortable, ha!
Anywayyy, it's over now.
Sucks that I went out in the way that I did, but I did try my best. I can only be happy with that.
10k at Nationals!!
While I was at Nationals I read Portia de Rossi's autobiography dealing with her battle with anorexia nervosa. I'm sure many of you have heard of/read Unbearable Lightness. Wow. It was a very difficult read for me. I thought it'd be no problem since I am not a person who is easily triggered. But man did it test me! Especially since I was dealing with the mom situation, track season ending (meaning I would be taking a break from running/exercise), and being isolated/away from everyone for almost a week. *Yes, my track team was there, but only the sprinters, and we don't always flow in the same circles. I just missed my distance girls.*
Portia at her lowest weight. This picture is also in her book. She looks so sick. It's sad.
Anyway, it was hard to read, yes, but I am so glad that I did. The epilogue is by far the best part of the book. I highlighted so much of what she said on my Kindle that my dad bought me for my birthday (love it, btw). She asserted that diets do not work. Restriction does not work. When I say they don't work, I mean that one cannot live her life denying herself certain foods. It's both physically and emotionally depriving and harmful, in the end.
Something that really shocked me was that she went from 82 to 168 pounds in 10 MONTHS. Wow.
She spoke of the high she would get from eating. It was the same she used to get with restriction, except now no foods were off limits. She would then feel terrible about bingeing and go on afterwards eating salad with no dressing and only fruits for snacks, etc.. Yet then she would find that she'd go back to bingeing. See a correlation? Restriction-->binge.
It was as if I could have written these words!
Now she lives her life without restriction, bingeing, or guilt. She no longer exercises, which I was so surprised to hear considering how great she looks and how obsessed she was with it when she was suffering from anorexia. She's now at a happy weight, though, and more importantly she is happy within herself!
Random, but I just got a blender, and I am now obsessed with green smoothies. :)
Back to me, I guess.. Like I said earlier, the past few weeks have been much harder than I would have expected, but I am getting by. I'll be honest. So much so that it hurts.
Some of these days I have been eating so light/healthy throughout the day that I just go home at night to eat my face off. I binge. I can't stop. It all tastes so good, and I never allow myself these foods normally.
The next day I'll forgive myself. "We can start over", I think. By the end of the day I have eaten 800 calories. Not enough, especially when I'm running, I know. :/
And then the next day I'll binge again.
This has happened a couple of times...
I wasn't planning on talking about it in my blog.
This blog started out as a diary of sorts for my daily thoughts/struggles, mostly dealing with recovery from ED. But now I feel that I have so many people that follow me, respect me, and expect things of me. For me to tell you all that I have restricted, binged (repeat) is extremely difficult.

I know it's really stupid, but on those days when I eat so light/little.. I get that high again and think, "Hey, maybe I can do what I did last summer.. ya know, work out a bunch, eat light/healthy, and lose some weight. I'll just stop it before it gets to be too much." But I know that that mindset is already distorted. If I continually fall pray to eating sub 1500 calories it's just going to turn into a game of 'let's see how much we can lose.' And I don't want that. Because more than losing weight, I lose confidence, happiness, the love I feel for others as well as myself, and all that I have accomplished thus far in my recovery.

I just need to work on this balancing act, which might be hard since I can't even walk without tripping as it is ;) ha, jk. *I think I'm funny, btw*
But really, it's hard, cuz like the title of my blog, I am an all or nothing kind of girl woman. Life doesn't work like that, though. We're not supposed to be one thing or the other. Do this and not that. There shouldn't be limits of what we can do, where we can go, who we become.
I don't want to be 82 pounds. I don't want to be 168 pounds.
I don't want my life to be defined by food. Or running. Or school. Or my relationship with my mother.
How stupid. No one thing should be that important.
Ultimately, life is good.
I feel so much better after writing all of this. It seems that I never know where my blog posts are gonna go. I'm so scatterbrained; I'm all over the place. But I'm happy that I shared this. It feels good to know that I have the support of all of you beautiful women. And I have you to hold me accountable, as well. *Plus Renee, my teammate, who sees me everyday. I know she's reading, and she'll make sure I'm nourishing my body <3*

Okay, so my stomach is growling. I know I haven't had enough today. Off to eat something!

Oh, before I go.. I am planning on doing a post soon in which I share my story of how ED entered/took over my life. Gross, right? Anyway, let me know if there's anything in particular you would like to know cuz knowing me, I probably will not cover everything!

Love you all so much.
Thank you for commenting, reading, praying.. It is all very much appreciated.
<3 Haley

P.p.s. Sorryyyy for my absence from the blogging community. Not posting, and not commenting, either! I didn't have internet for a while, and then I was out of town with Nationals and have been so behind on summer school. Tonight is the first night in forever that I don't feel like I have a million things on my plate. And I still have a speech to give tomorrow morning, ha! Things are calming down, though, so I'll be around more soon, promise. :)


  1. yeah i was getting pretty pissed about you not updating. i was so bored....and had NOTHING to read. haha.
    just kidding.

    i love you.

    CROSS COUNTRY HERE WE COME!!! and yes, i will smack you if you don't feed yourself. and smack me if i purge. it happened for the first time tonight since (well shoot i can't even remember the last time) maybe this whole year??? im not even mad at myself for doing it. i'm mad that i let myself eat 4 cupcakes, 4 cookies, and like 3 reeses......but now i feel better. stupid i know. it won't happen again. i think it was the sugar that made me do it...i wasn't even feeling guilty.

    anyway, that was a tangent. i have alot to talk about on the run tomorrow, about support systems and all that jazz.

    love you.

  2. You are amazing and this was such a great post. Is there a way to lend the book on the kindle? I feel like I read that somewhere, but I have been wanting to read that book since it came out and I also have and LOVE my kindle. You and Renee are beautiful girls, seriously, inside and out. Obviously I don't know you both much, but I already feel like we are running sisters because that's how runner's are. Please if you ever feel you are alone or need someone to talk to, I am always here. Plus I am not one to judge and you can know that I don't see you everyday if that helps lol!

  3. Hey girl! CONGRATULATIONS on Nationals!!!!!! 17th place is incredible!!!! So proud of you girly!!!! *celebratory hugs*

    I know what you mean about being nervous about being honest on your blog about struggling. My last update was a vlog in which I was talking about the exact same thing- struggling, but being afraid to admit it b/c my blog has become more than just a diary- people get something out of it. I said in my vlog though and I will say it to you now- the ED thrives in secrecy and lies and it isolates us from the people who love us. Just by admitting that you are struggling takes its power away.

    No one expects you to be perfect at recovery, Haley, except for yourself. <3 In fact, I like reading posts about the downs as well as the ups in other peoples' recoveries, because it reminds me that I'm not alone. I struggle a lot too with the all or nothing mindset- especially when it comes to recovery- but recovery isn't so black and white. Write for yourself, and I promise you that you will reach others w/o even trying. After all, you started writing for yourself, not for other people, and people got a lot out of your words anyway. No matter how much you are struggling, you are an amazing person with a lot to offer! And I have grown to care about you very much by reading your blog and your comments on mine- I appreciate your honest so much. <3

    Never hesitate to drop me a facebook message if you ever want support outside of the blogging world!

    You are in my thoughts and prayers!

  4. I really really like your blog and was glad that you're back! Congratulations at nationals by the way- it's just amazing that you qualified! I like the honesty of your blog and I can see how hard you really are trying. I can relate so much to some of the things that you're going through! I hope I can start being as open and honest on my blog (I just started one http://kirskrumbs.blogspot.com/). Anyway, just wanted to drop by and say hi! Good luck on your presentation tomorrow! Also, if you ever want anyone to talk to I am always here (well probably pretty far from you- but online :)

  5. I read Unbearable Lightness last year. It was a pretty difficult book to get through, but I agree that the epilogue was really uplifting and encouraging.
    I completely understand the 'all or nothing' outlook. Everything has to be perfect, and if it's not, well, why bother? Life definately doesn't work like that - and I'm trying to get that outlook into my head. (With the amount of school work I have right now, it's not possible for everything to be perfect)
    And your struggles are only human - most of us can identify with what you're saying, and it's great that you're brave enough to talk about them. This community will always support you - you'll get the in the end :)

  6. HALeyy!! i so wna read that book! just remember there ar ALWAYS highs and lows with recovery... dnt be TOO hard on urself.. give urself credit for wht u have done and take small steps to keep improving!

  7. I bought the book ages ago and never read it.
    My (ex) girlfriend did and I mainly bought it because I know of her sexuality and I thought it could be interesting. I was told it was far more about her ED so I haven't really bothered.

    I am so proud of you to keep fighting.
    And what I admire about Portia is that she is FULLY recovered.

    Big love xxx

  8. Congrats on Nationals, for starters! I would like to read Portia's book---and I think I will know that I know how much it affected you!

  9. Kepp fighting hun. You and your Mum have been in my prayers these last few weeks, and will continue to be. You're a strong woman, and I'm proud of you for being so honest on this post.

    Congrats on nationals by the way! And you look so pretty in these pictures.

  10. Wow, I haven't heard of that book but now that you mentioned it, I really want to check it out. It sounds like a good reason unless someone's easily triggered.

    I follow the same cycle you do. The bingeing is more recent. I think my body was deprived for awhile that now it just wants food, food, and more food. Especially at night :(. You're not alone, and it's not an "All or Nothing" type thing, we just have to do the best we can every day. Not every day is gonna be "our" day either...

    Sorry about the race not going well. You had a great time and finished GREAT... don't be hard on yourself, you went to Nationals so regardless of your place you did so much better than so many girls who hope to be there. And calling a 6 minute mile pace super slow is making your readers roll our eyes, j/k!

    Blenders and green smoothies are awesome sauce :).


  11. I also read Portia de Rossi's book and had the same opinion as you - I was glad I read it but even though I am literally NEVER triggered, that book triggered me. I thought that she should have been more considerate of the people who would read it - including the pictures in her book, the exact descriptions of her eating and exercise habits, all the numbers - i thought that was so unnecesary. But I loved the ending, the description of her path to recovery, and how she is now. However, I would have liked to read more about the emotional aspect of her ED and recovery rather than the behavioral aspect. In regards to the weight gain that she experienced, that was another upsetting thing for me to read because I've experienced the same rate of weight gain - but without bingeing or overeating or undereating (just a messed up metabolism)
    I'm sorry you're struggling a lot with bingeing and restricting - do you try to use a meal plan at all? Those can really help, and sometimes it's good to just remind yourself or write down all of the reasons you want to recover. I've been reading your blog for quite a while and I fully believe in your recovery.
    Sorry this is set as anon, the commenting on my computer is messing up. I'm laura (laura6708@gmail.com)

  12. What you have said sounds very typical for someone who is still in beginning of her recovery. It is not easy for a person to deal with both anorexia and bulimia. I think it is like double whammy in a see.

    I loved the book as well...very inspiring especially toward the end.

    Hugs. :)

  13. HALEEEEEEY!!! Yaaaay you're back!! Seeing you pop up in my Google Reader made me SO happy! Aaah I've missed you girl!! (P.S. I promise I'm not a 50 year old male creep, I just love you a lot :P)

    17th at Nationals is SO amazing!! Even getting THROUGH to finals is beyond amazing! Sorry it was such a hard race, but to get such an amazing place with all that is AWESOME!!

    And you are doing a GREAT job with your recovery!! Of course there are relapses but you know how to fix those and you are which is awesome! You have SO got this!! And you now have a blender?! Wooo!! Green smoothies are the BEST! :D

    You look so so so gorgeous by the way!! Have an AMAZING day friend!! <3 <3

  14. I'm sorry that you've been struggling girl, hearing about your struggles is really hard but I'm so glad that you've been trying to push through them. I know that you can find a middle ground and beat the "black and white" thinking. Living in shades of grey is difficult- but absolutely necessary.
    Keep going forward! You're so strong- I know you can do it<3

  15. I'm glad all is ok - was worried about the fact I hadn't had any updates from you in a while! Congrats on nationals - it's still super-duper awesome that you can even run at nationals - I mean that puts you in the top like 0.1% or something so be prouddddd :) And I know exactly what you mean about trying to just find a middle ground and accept everything as it is. you're doing so well! ps your hair really does suit you like that- it looks cute! Katie x

  16. Aw Haley I have so much to say!
    1. You are seriously GORGEOUS. It breaks my heart that you have to struggle so much. You are an inspiration! I want to be as fast and strong as you are someday.
    2. 17th at nationals is cray-zay, especially considering you were in pain for a lot of it! Congrats!
    3. I've struggled a lot with the eating light all day and then binging at night. You end up feeling sick, uncomfortable, saying you'll never do it again, and then it happens again the next day. It's so hard to get into the healthy mindset! We have to do it though, for our health now and in the future. Believe me, I don't talk about it too much on my blog, but I'm right there with you!!
    4. I'm halfway through unbearable lightness. I had finals so I had to put it on hold. I'm going to go and read right now! It's so good so far.
    Sorry for such a long winded comment! I missed you!

  17. Sorry nationals didn't go as planned, but the very fact that you ran at Nationals is AMAZING!! SO proud of you :)

    Focusing on balanced meals throughout the day is KEY. Not only to avoid overeating, but to also keep your energy level up (especially for running!!)

  18. Haley.

    I want to read that book too. It may take like a year to finish it for me (you know, i'm a sloooooooooow reader lol) but i'm gonna read it.

    I love you Haley! We all do and we are all so proud of you. I am here for you as a trainer, or just as a friend from now on i guess.

    Keep me posted! ill keep checking up here and there, and give me a call or shoot texts whenever you want!

    Megumi :)

  19. So happy you're back and I have to say your attitude sounds better then ever.

    Life doesn't need to be defined by anything - it just needs to be lived!

    And you look SO CUTE in all those photos btw :)

  20. I've been wanting to read that book since it came out! And that's so great that she's given up exercise too, because it shows that you don't have to do that to be a healthy weight.

  21. You should always feel free to be completely honest on your own blog! we read because we enjoy following your journey and we like YOU, no matter what struggles are going on in your life. It will always help to share -- you never know who will connect with you because of it and be able to help or sympathize!

    Still adore the haircut. Still in awe of your running skills. Much love!