Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Update: Much better. :)


Eating- I'm doing much better!
I'm trying to listen to my body and feed it when it's hungry.. but sometimes I have to eat even when I don't really feel all that hungry just cuz I know I need it plus ED is the main thing that is stopping me, anyway.
Sooo yea!
I overate last night/was on the verge of a binge, but I stopped it.. I am much more aware of myself in these 'binging episodes' now, but the initial thrill of the binge definitely takes me off guard sometimes, and I get caught up in allowing myself to eat whatever I want, when really, I should be allowing myself these foods all the time.

School- Today was the last day of classes for the June semester of summer school. I made a 98 on my last Chemistry test this morning, plus I got 7 points for two bonus questions! That puts me at above a 100 for the class, so I only need a 120/200 on this final Thursday to get an A in the class! That's 60%! Since my lowest test grade is a 96, I think I can do it! :) Ahh, I am so happy all of my hard work has paid off so far.
I also took my last speech test today and got an 88. I barely studied since I was much more worried about Chemistry, but that's okay because I still made a high A in the class! Yay for being done with speech!
Running- Running has been wonderful the past couple days. I really enjoyed my 10 mile run Monday with my teammate Simone. We definitely went sub 7 minute pace after mile 2. She only ran 8 with me, though. I did the last two by myself.
That's usually how it is because my schedule has a little bit more mileage than everyone else. I really like the last bit of my runs though cuz if I feel like I didn't get much out of the run I can go a little faster on the last mile or two. Plus, it's a great time to think about everything.
My stomach hurt on the 8 mile run I had this morning, maybe from eating too much last night? But I stopped eating before 8:00, so that's strange.. Today was a bit slow, but I didn't mind too much mostly because of the fact that my stomach was flopping, plus we had company! We ran with two girls that are gonna be freshman this fall. I cannot believe I am so old! I'll be a junior! These girls probably see me as some kind of veteran on the track, but it's weird cuz I still see myself as a freshman!
We have a Kenyan tempo tomorrow. It's our first sorta-kinda workout of the summer!
4 miles easy, 4 miles progressively faster (ending at long tempo pace), and a 2 mile cooldown.
I'm really excited to get my legs moving and my heart racing! :) Tempos are my favorite!!
Farmer's Market goodies! This Saturday I bought four hair bows, three bell peppers, banana peppers, baba ganoush, and cherry tomatoes that seriously taste like candy from the local Farmer's Market. I'd never been before. I love it! P.s. The baba ganoush was gone in less than 48 hours. Look at that small container! :P
Oh, I've also been swimming every once in a while at the gym here at school. I find it very relaxing, and I'm slowly becoming addicted to it. I don't have goggles yet, so I am constantly running into the side floaty thingys. It's really annoying. For the life of me I cannot remember what that string is called right now. It's bugging me!! Ha, blonde moment! :P.
I'm pretty sure the lifeguards all laugh at me cuz my form is still pretty bad, and you can tell that I get frustrated with the side floaty thingys cuz I'll push them out of the way and swim harder, ha.
Anyway, I'm going home this weekend and getting goggles and hopefully a one piece swimsuit! I've been swimming in a sports bra and spandex.
(Part of) Lunch today: Yummy bowl of chocolate oatmeal/oatbran
with a banana fudge pudding + added almond milk swirled on top.
Mom- I texted her two nights ago with the same message that I sent my dad: "Goodnight. I love you." I told myself I wouldn't talk to her until she was at least __months sober, but I gave in.. I guess I missed her.. I just wanted to know she's alive and okay.
She responded with, "Did you mean to send that to me? I hope you did. I love you so much, and I miss you."
It made me tear up a little, but I responded, "Yes. I meant to send that to you. I miss you, too."
Today I also texted her about my Chemistry test.. She relapsed *cocaine & alcohol (for those that didn't know)* before I had even taken a test in the class, so she had no idea how I was doing, but she knew I had been worried about it since I don't consider myself to be very good at science..
Anyway, apparently Mom is getting her cervical cancer removed and then going to rehab. I heard all of this from my grandmother. I don't have any expectations, but I do hope that something changes this time around.
For now, I am taking things one day at a time.
Since I was 7, my dad has told me to be happy for every moment that we get with Mom rather than being sad about the ones we miss.. I always thought this was dumb since you're supposed to get time/have a relationship with your mom; it shouldn't be a privilege. But I understand that with addiction, things are different. Each day is a battle. So I am grateful that at least today she is sober.

Body Image- Still fighting ED voices..
Today I was looking back at pictures of me from earlier this semester, and I was shocked to see that I was so thin during these months where I thought I looked like a hippo! It's crazy how ED distorts our perceptions of our bodies..
So I know that I think that I look really fat/out of control/overweight now, but that is probably not the case.
I'm trying to remember that my body is stronger than ever before. I would never have been able to break 34 minutes in the 10k at 107 pounds, something that my 122 pound body CAN do, though. :)
*Sorry if the numbers are triggering. I have always used them on my blog.. For some reason numbers don't trigger me, but I know everyone is different. I hope no one uses my weight as a reason to restrict. Please don't. It's not worth it.*
I thought I'd remember the moment of a day where I'm NOT wearing tempo shorts and a t-shirt by taking a pic.
I dressed up one day last week to give a speech. :)
Wow, just to see that I typed, "It's not worth it", is crazy. It's crazy because half the time my mind ED is telling me, 'Don't eat that!', or 'You're allowed a snack, but only if it's carrots or an apple.'
So it's strange that I know it's not worth it, yet the temptation to go back to my old lifestyle is so strong sometimes, just because I didn't feel all the pain then that I do now.
I didn't feel much of anything, though.
And like some of you have said in comments on here, recovery opens a floodgate of emotions. As hard as it is, it's better to feel these emotions, both the good and the bad, than feeling nothing at all. I have to remind myself of this when things get tough.

Okay, so this was long. And it was only supposed to be a brief update- both for my sanity's sake and yours! I didn't want you all worrying about me.
Thank you for all of the concerns and prayers. They mean so much to me.
Each and every comment touches my heart more than you know. I read them over and over, reminding myself that a life with ED is no life at all.
Sometimes I get scared of who I will be without some sort of food addiction, but I am slowly finding that out, and honestly, I like this girl woman.. Yes, it's really scary and uncomfortable discovering who I really am and not relying on food to mask my emotions, but I know life is better this way.
My beloved sweet potato wedges baked in some cinnamon and maple syrup.
Originally, there were quite a few more wedges on the plate (I pick out the biggest sweet potatoes at the store!!), but I couldn't resist eating some before snapping this!
Love you all and I hope you have a lovely evening/day (depending on when you are reading this).
<3 Haley

P.s. My email is haleylovesgreen@gmail.com for anyone who wants to email/talk to me. *hint: Corrie ;) But that definitely goes for everyone, for anything! <3


  1. Haley,

    I am so proud of you, girl!!! I know that recovery is so difficult at times, particularly when body image issues come up as well as a floodgate of emotions, but it sounds like you're doing your very best to take care of yourself. You're right that feeling painful emotions is better than not feeling anything at all- you are such a passionate, intelligent, and compassionate person, and at least in myself, I find that although the ED dulls the pain, it also dulls my personality and passions. Haley without ED is BEAUTIFUL- your beautiful personality shines through your writing, and I wish I had the privilege of knowing you in person! Try to remember that while the ED is a momentary escape, it makes life harder in the long run. You're gonna get through this and move on and learn to cope with difficult emotions and be an amazing dietitian and you'll see that pushing through the hard parts of recovery was totally worth it. :-)

    I can empathize with you about the negative body image, but good for you for focusing on how much stronger you are now! One of my favorite quotes is, "I see my body as an instrument, not an ornament". But Haley, you also have an amazing body and are as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside, and someday you'll see that!

    I can only imagine how hard the situation with your mom must be- you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. My mom was hospitalized for mental health issues when I was younger and I couldn't trust/rely on her to take care of me, so although our situations are unique, I know how hard it is to not be able to rely on someone who is supposed to be a caretaker. That was really brave of you to reach out to your mom- I hope something changes this time around, too. If you ever want to talk about this, please know you can contact me!

    Congratulations on your awesome grades!

    Thinking of you,

  2. I'm so pleased you are doing much better Haley! You are such a strong young woman and I know that you can get through this. You've overcome a lot so far and you're right about the thoughts of when we look back on old photos of ourselves. I can't believe I used to think I looked fat when in reality I was a walking skeletal time machine.

    That was a big thing for you to do to be able to text your mom like that. I know how hard it must be for you right now with the situation with your mom but you cannot use that as an excuse to engage in ED behaviours because it just makes the entire situation even harder to handle.

    Love you lots and thanks for adding me on facebook ;) <3

  3. This was so amazing to read! It makes me so happy to see that you are doing so much better! You have come so far and I can really see in your latest posts that you want to get rid of ED forever.

    I hope your situation improves with your mom. You were so brave sending that text to her so maybe it'll open up the lined of communication between you and her.

    I HATE the body image crap. It's been the hardest thing I've had to deal with in my recovery and I know it is for a lot of other people too. I also look back at photos from when I was first recovering and I'm shocked at how skinny I was, yet I thought I was huge. Now I struggle with knowing that I'm bigger and still feeling huge even though I know deep down that I'm not. Just keep remembering that you are beautiful, inside and out!

    Your farmers market finds look so good, and those hairbows are adorable! I also love your dress--you look amazing in it :)

  4. So glad that you're doing better lovely, it is a long and slow process but listening to your body is so, so important, I think it's one of the key things to remember in recovery. Glad you're smiling xx

  5. Aw Haley- This post made me so happy! Im truly so glad for you that you feel like eating is getting better! Keep it up! You are doing great, and deserves so much more than a life with ED!<3

    And I think it was really strong of you to text you mama, I know it cant be easy! But I know that it meant the world to her! Just take care of yourself too!

    I wish you the best week ever- I will think and pray for you!

    Big hugs

  6. Glad to hear you are doing so well!!! And congrats on awesome grades. :) I'd say more, but I am not feeling well and can't think clearly! Ha ha ha :) Next time, better response for sure.

    And to add....I love how you look at your mom's addiction. It's not easy to handle at all, and you are taking it in a wonderful stride.

  7. I'm so glad things are getting better!! MAJOR congrats on the fantastic grades. :)

  8. Yay for good grades (and everything else too!)
    I'm so glad you're feeling better! You have alot to deal with right now, but I love your attitude. ED is totally NOT worth it! ;)

    I love your dress, btw. So cute!

  9. oh im so happy for you Haley! great job on summer classes!!!!!
    i know, and everyone knows, that you can do this!
    now you gotta trust yourself more :)
    and i love you more when you love yourself :)

    sounds like everything is lifted up and in better place than before.
    lets keep putting everything in a positive flow!
    oh yeahhh im just so happyyy to read this blog hahaha!
    you made my day! (ive been bored these couple of days :/)

    Love, always <3 Megumi :)

  10. Finally caught up!
    I've been missing you.
    You should come to Salt Lake's Farmers Market someday! It's amazing. I love Urban Agriculture, it's so great for our planet and our bodies!


  11. Whoo! Well congratulations on those grades Lil' Ms. Smarty! That's awesome.

    Haley, I am beyond proud of you for staying so strong through everything. Being able to say and understand "it's not worth it" shows great progress. I too remind myself that this higher-weight body is the healthier body. Like you, I feel reeeeeally huge sometimes, but I tell myself it's all ok, 'cause I'm so much healthier. I couldn't dance as well in my 97 pound body as I now can in this 113 pound one. And that's ok! Just yesterday, this guy at ballet made a comment that I was the smallest girl in the class. I was kinda shocked like, whoa, you're not talking about me, are you? I'm HUGE. You must be mistaken. But then I realized, he's not looked at me through distorted, ED eyes, I am. So he must be right, and I must not be that big after all.

    So anyway, I'm really happy how hard you are fighting for recovery Haley. You so deserve a happy life.
    Oh, and last thing, that first picture of you is absolutely stunning. Seriously girl, you are so beautiful!

  12. Love the little updates! When I get frustrated with body image, I try to think of what else I am gaining besides gaining weight...I am gaining happiness, freedom, the ability to function and do what I want to do (like running faster!) and gaining a better life :)

  13. I love your update, I'm so glad things are going better for you lately :). Congrats on your grades and taking up swimming!


  14. HUGGING MY COMPUTER right now and pretending it's you (seriously!!)

    Firstly you look SO DARN BEAUTIFUL there Hales!! That is the most GORGEOUS dress and stunning person I have ever seen. Ever.

    Plus you are too smart (I want your brains!!) and all your hard work is SO paying off!! You ROCK and I know there WILL come a time when your momma will fully heal. Please believe that, because I didn't for a long time with my dad but he DID, and so will your mom!

    LOVE YOU GORGEOUS GIRL and this post has made me smile so much!! BIG HUGS and enjoy your tempo (they're my fave too!! So much fun!!) <3