Sunday, July 3, 2011

Non-diet meltdown

I actually had a meltdown on Wednesday afternoon. I had gone to the store earlier that day and picked up one of those gallons of Green tea. I prefer Arizona Diet Green Tea, but they didn't have any at Kroger that day, so I picked up Lipton Diet Green Tea.
I was studying all day, and doing random things around the house, just drinking out of the tea jug like always (Mrs. Terri always comments about how un-ladylike this is, ha). I looked down towards the end of the afternoon to find that I had drank about a third or more of a gallon of REGULAR, non-diet green tea.
Words cannot describe the panic that went through me.
I looked down at the calorie content.
80 calories per serving (8 oz.)
16 servings in the gallon.

I freaked out. I just drank 500+ calories. Empty calories. This is a problem. I don't drink calories.
I called Connor on the verge of tears, and two minutes into the conversation I was bawling..
This was definitely a sign to me that I am not recovered.
Connor was right in that it is nothing to freak out over. I had run 10 miles that morning, plus swimming, plus circuits.. And I had eaten very light that day.
Maybe it was fate that I picked up the wrong gallon of green tea..
However, I did move on, and I did have a normal dinner PLUS post-dinner snack, even though after finding out my mistake I really just wanted to crawl into bed with an empty stomach.
P.s. I have the best boyfriend ever who puts up with so much from me. I am so very grateful for him and his patience, loyalty, and love. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I am so glad he's mine.

Since then, I have been doing pretty well.
I can't remember the last time I binged. :)
I have been trying to listen to my cravings and hunger signals, but it's hard cuz sometimes I feel like my cues to eat still aren't normal. I've been in recovery for a year now.. I don't get it :P
I find myself putting far too much space between meals and snacks, drinking lots of fluids, chewing gum, not noticing any hunger. Most of the time, I am not purposefully being restrictive with my food intake.
However, I feel like sometimes the fear of going back to binging is so great that it subconsciously pushes me towards a more restrictive diet, so I am really having to try and focus on keeping my meals balanced and sufficient.
Random picture of the girls and I getting stuck in mud on a morning run. :) *Almost 2 weeks ago!
Don't worry, I am confident that I can ward off anorexia. I can also conquer this binging.
Yea, the balance isn't the easiest to get right now, but I know that I am in a better place now than I have ever been.
I have the support of so many, and I am so grateful to you all, my family, and friends. I don't know where I would be right now if it wasn't for my therapist, nutritionist, Connor, the blogging community, and so many other unnamed others.. And I don't want to know.
Because I like where I am.
I like who I am.
Hell, I love who I am. *I have come so far to be able to say that, btw.* :)
Caroline, my best friend of 14+ years. <3
My eye is all squinty in this pic. Attractive ;)
My best friend Caroline and I hung out yesterday, and towards the end of our time together we started discussing my eating disorder.. Caroline also had anorexia throughout the beginning of high school. She went to Remuda in Arizona for inpatient rehab. Anyway, I told her how well I'm doing compared to just a couple weeks ago, and she surprised me by starting to cry. She sobbingly said that when she pulled into the Starbucks parking lot, where we met up, she immediately thought I looked so much better. Most importantly, she could tell that my personality was back. I was back to the old Haley.

I started crying, too, telling her I was sorry that I ever got anorexia. I didn't mean to turn into some sort of skinny bitch monster. I should have learned from her that starving yourself is not the way to lose weight and especially live life.
She quickly dismissed this thinking, truthfully stating that none of us plan on getting an eating disorder. It all happens so quickly.
We can't keep blaming ourselves for developing this disease. It happened. It's in the past. Now we must move on.
The good news is, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Caroline is so happy now, and right now, so am I. I can only imagine what life will be like when food is not a source of worry for me.

Until then, I'm going to keep fighting.
I hope you all have a great fourth of July weekend.
I'm going to have the best one ever. :)

<3 Haley


  1. Haley, I agree with Connor that any amount of cals from iced tea is NOTHING, especially with how active you are. And words don't describe how proud I am of you for picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, continuing with your life, and eating normally for the rest of the day after that incident.

    Reading this: "I like who I am. Hell, I love who I am." made me smile sooo, soooo much! My friend, I am so happy for your happiness. Everything doesn't have to be perfect, you're still working and progressing towards a 100% ED-free life. It doesn't matter if you're there yet, because you don't have to be. You WILL get there. Unfortunately, there will be bumps along the way, but what matters is that you fight to be happy and healthy, living your life inspite of the bumps. And to me it seems like that's exactly what you're doing!!! You are AMAZING!

  2. You are honestly the biggest inspiration haley! I can't even begin to describe how each of your posts resonates with me!
    Your determination is incredible and you prove to me that we CAN beat this! Everyday you are learning so much about yourself and every day you are getting stronger.

    I know that your going to come out the other end a very happy, strong woman.
    I also just wanted to thank you so so so much for every single one of your posts. It must be so difficult for you, but to see someone put into words exactly how I'm feeling and to know i'm not alone in this horrible disease make me even more determined to beat it. :)

    I do wish I could pop over to America and tell you all this properly (and also to run with you! :D)

    I hope you have a lovely weekend Haley and continue to enjoy every minute of each day as you, out of anyone, deserve it!
    Lots of love, Katie xx

  3. Unfortunately, I probably would have had a similar reaction to your tea fiasco. :p But, I'm sooo proud of you for getting on with your day and NOT restricting. You are amazing!! Plus, you probably DID need those calories, so it all evens out in the end. :)

    Recovery takes time, but you are definitely on the right path and getting so close! Keep up the great work. Happy 4th!!

  4. Haley <3 This post made me so happy!
    Connor sounds amazing, and so are you! Its fantastic that he talked you out of starving yourself for the rest of the day after drinking that tea!
    And Im so glad that ou are in a good place at the moment! Try to really feel this feeling, and use it whenever life isnt as good! You can totally get out of this whole ED- thing! You are doing great!!
    And your friend is right! No one ever plans to get an ED. I have to remind myself this too. I feel like I have made my parents lifes so hard by having a ED. But it was never my intention. Now I just have to get as healthy and free as I can be, and I know that they dont blame me for it!
    Have an amazing week sweet pea :)

  5. Connor is such a blessing!!! I'm so glad you have him as a support. :)

    Have an amazing 4th!



  6. i am so proud of you for trying your hardest to cope with that feeling after you saw the tea. haley, you are absolutely beautiful and i know that you cant see it, but the tea will NOT make a difference in how you look. while i was in treatment, the clinicians told me that just this will not make me look different and it helped. i know its hard to believe. but just know that it is true. and you're right, it is most certainly a blessing that you picked it up. God was watching over you because he cares about you. he wants you safe and happy just like everyone else here does. i do definitely. i really hope you stay strong. im proud of you and all of your accomplishments!

    ~Meg <3

  7. Haley reading this was such a pleasure! Connor is such a sweetie and you know what? It WAS fate that you picked up the wrong iced green tea because you most certainly needed that energy! I'm so pleased that you could eventually see the positive side to that :) You look so gorgeous I can't even believe it. I'm so so happy that you haven't binged in a long time. As long as you keep feeding your body regularly the binges will soon fade away for GOOD! You're such a strong person and I am so so so so so so so proud of you :) <3

  8. I'm so happy that you have such a great boyfriend! I'm glad that you have been doing well. You are amazing and beautiful!

  9. haley i just want to say that ive seen you grow SO MUCH just since i found your blog- i know that this drink thing would have been really hard but the fact that you bounced back.. i honestly dnt even have words to explain how proud I am of you- you are amazing and incredible and will have such a fantastic life ahead of you :)

  10. And so you SHOULD like you :) <3

    I am glad you had a friend there that gets you.
    That can be so supportive.

    I am really proud if you angel {{{hugs}}}

  11. haha sorry Haley but i kinda laughed at the episode of lipton green tea!lol
    i know it's not funny to you but well, im glad that you got over it pretty quick :)
    you cannot dwell on the past.

    time doesn't stop and wait for you (i wish it does tho).
    everything is one chance in your life. you got a life to live only once.
    and that life cannot be lived by anybody else.
    you are the only one that can live your life.
    so don't let other things screw it! anything!

    everyone makes mistakes.
    the most important thing is how you learn from it and move on.
    nobody knows what's gonna happen next in the life.
    that's why living life is so difficult, tiring, exhausting, but fun, exciting, and lovely :)
    so, enjoy every moment and stay as who you are.
    we all love you as who you are now :)

    have a happy July 4th! enjoy :) Love, Megumi :)

  12. Haley, this post almost made me tear up!!! I am so happy for you that you have learned to truly love and appreciate yourself- you deserve to see the beautiful Haley that everyone who is privileged to know you sees! You go girl for not restricting after the iced tea incident (I agree- fate!), and CONGRATULATIONS on no binging!!!!
    I can empathize with having trouble with hunger cues. I'm also just a little over a year into recovery and my hunger cues are non-existent sometimes. My nutritionist tells me that it's b/c I'm still "re-programing" my body- consistent meals and snacks, even if I'm not hungry but know I need nutrition, will eventually bring back the hunger and fullness cues. It just takes time. :-)

  13. Haley,
    I read your blog often but have never commented before. I am SO happy you picked yourself up and did what you needed to do even after ed was loud about the tea. I've done the samething with soda before, thinking it was diet when really it was regular...I FREAKED. I can so understand where you're coming from but also so admire that you're pushing past it.
    I've also struggled with binging. It's amazing that you're overcoming your behaviors so well. Of course, there is a balance between restriction and binging as you said but it IS so hard to find. Especially when our mindset is so all or nothing. But we can do it! YOU CAN DO IT :). Keep fighting, Haley!

  14. I'm so proud of you Haley. I've been reading your blog for a long time now, and I want you to know that you have come so incredibly far during the time I've been following. Seriously - it's so inspirational!

    I STILL struggle with my hunger/fulness signals from time to time, but I guess after 2+ years of disordered eating I can't expect my body to snap out of it and be "normal". But i firmly believe that this will come with time - both for me and for you.

    Hang on Haley and celebrate your victories against ED - you rock!!

  15. I am going to be honest, that would have freaked me out for a second, too,!! But in the grand scheme of things, 500 calories is NOT going to make or break you. In fact, you NEED them!! You are VERY, VERY active. You need LOTSSS of fuel, even if it's in the form of liquid :)

  16. Haleeeeey aaah I'm so proud of you!! Moving on from something like that (I remember having the same thing with full-fat milk!) isn't easy but you did and you're just amazing! Connor is so right too-500 cals is nothing for an active person anyway. Oh and 10 miles+swimming+circuits?! You ROCK!!

    And I'm so happy about you and Caroline!! You have come so far in your recovery and honestly you look STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL now. Happiness looks good on you:)

    LOVE YOU!!! <3

  17. yes, thank you for not being a "skinny bitch monster" anymore.

    that is my favorite line in the whole post. love you hay.

  18.'re still skinny, but not skeleton. and you're not a bitch monster.....yeah sorry had to clarify that.

    thanks for not being a skeleton bitch monster. hahahahah

  19. This exact same thing happened to me once last summer and I completed freaked out. Before I knew that there were calories in it I was fine, but the moment I found out I felt fat even though literally nothing had changed except for my body of knowledge.