Non-diet meltdown

I actually had a meltdown on Wednesday afternoon. I had gone to the store earlier that day and picked up one of those gallons of Green tea. I prefer Arizona Diet Green Tea, but they didn't have any at Kroger that day, so I picked up Lipton Diet Green Tea.
I was studying all day, and doing random things around the house, just drinking out of the tea jug like always (Mrs. Terri always comments about how un-ladylike this is, ha). I looked down towards the end of the afternoon to find that I had drank about a third or more of a gallon of REGULAR, non-diet green tea.
Words cannot describe the panic that went through me.
I looked down at the calorie content.
80 calories per serving (8 oz.)
16 servings in the gallon.
OH. MY. GOD.

I freaked out. I just drank 500+ calories. Empty calories. This is a problem. I don't drink calories.
I called Connor on the verge of tears, and two minutes into the conversation I was bawling..
This was definitely a sign to me that I am not recovered.
Connor was right in that it is nothing to freak out over. I had run 10 miles that morning, plus swimming, plus circuits.. And I had eaten very light that day.
Maybe it was fate that I picked up the wrong gallon of green tea..
However, I did move on, and I did have a normal dinner PLUS post-dinner snack, even though after finding out my mistake I really just wanted to crawl into bed with an empty stomach.
P.s. I have the best boyfriend ever who puts up with so much from me. I am so very grateful for him and his patience, loyalty, and love. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I am so glad he's mine.

Since then, I have been doing pretty well.
I can't remember the last time I binged. :)
I have been trying to listen to my cravings and hunger signals, but it's hard cuz sometimes I feel like my cues to eat still aren't normal. I've been in recovery for a year now.. I don't get it :P
I find myself putting far too much space between meals and snacks, drinking lots of fluids, chewing gum, not noticing any hunger. Most of the time, I am not purposefully being restrictive with my food intake.
However, I feel like sometimes the fear of going back to binging is so great that it subconsciously pushes me towards a more restrictive diet, so I am really having to try and focus on keeping my meals balanced and sufficient.

Random picture of the girls and I getting stuck in mud on a morning run. :) *Almost 2 weeks ago!

Don't worry, I am confident that I can ward off anorexia. I can also conquer this binging.
Yea, the balance isn't the easiest to get right now, but I know that I am in a better place now than I have ever been.
I have the support of so many, and I am so grateful to you all, my family, and friends. I don't know where I would be right now if it wasn't for my therapist, nutritionist, Connor, the blogging community, and so many other unnamed others.. And I don't want to know.
Because I like where I am.
I like who I am.
Hell, I love who I am. *I have come so far to be able to say that, btw.* :)

Caroline, my best friend of 14+ years. <3
My eye is all squinty in this pic. Attractive ;)

My best friend Caroline and I hung out yesterday, and towards the end of our time together we started discussing my eating disorder.. Caroline also had anorexia throughout the beginning of high school. She went to Remuda in Arizona for inpatient rehab. Anyway, I told her how well I'm doing compared to just a couple weeks ago, and she surprised me by starting to cry. She sobbingly said that when she pulled into the Starbucks parking lot, where we met up, she immediately thought I looked so much better. Most importantly, she could tell that my personality was back. I was back to the old Haley.

I started crying, too, telling her I was sorry that I ever got anorexia. I didn't mean to turn into some sort of skinny bitch monster. I should have learned from her that starving yourself is not the way to lose weight and especially live life.
She quickly dismissed this thinking, truthfully stating that none of us plan on getting an eating disorder. It all happens so quickly.
We can't keep blaming ourselves for developing this disease. It happened. It's in the past. Now we must move on.
The good news is, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Caroline is so happy now, and right now, so am I. I can only imagine what life will be like when food is not a source of worry for me.

Until then, I'm going to keep fighting.
I hope you all have a great fourth of July weekend.
I'm going to have the best one ever. :)

<3 Haley