Friday, July 8, 2011

Afraid to feel..

I hate being here in my apartment alone.
I went home this weekend, and things were so good.
Then I get back to Starkville, and I'm fine for a day or two, but then the loneliness sinks in again.
I was doing so well, but tonight I once again turned to food as a source of comfort..
Whether it was because I was lonely, depressed, bored, or a combination, I don't really know..
All that I know is that I was feeling terrible, and I thought eating couldn't make it any worse.
Except that it did.
I have been having super restrictive thoughts lately just cuz I look at myself and see this fat cow.
The restrictive thoughts have led me to eat very little/healthy the past few days, which in turn led to my binging tonight, I guess.

I'm just so frustrated because I was doing SO FREAKING WELL. I was happy.
And then I have to screw it up again.

I know that I need to be turning to God in times like this.
Food is not the answer.
Whether I am not eating or eating until I can't eat anymore, neither of these will make up for whatever feelings I am trying to suppress..
I just wish I could find the source of my sadness.
I know that there is a long list of traumatic things I try to avoid, but it just seems so crazy to me that things that I don't even think about on a regular basis could be expressed through my eating.
I know it's that way, though, because whenever events bring up these thoughts I turn to whatever I know best to deal with this reminded pain, that being restriction or binging.

I'm just so tired of it.
I'm sitting here crying as I type, ashamed of my actions and my thoughts. Ashamed of the backtracking and lack of hope.

I'm sorry I'm not in a better place.
I just needed to get this off my chest.


  1. don't be sorry that you're not in a good place. It's nothing to be sorry about and this is YOUR blog, you're allowed to get things off your chest. HEAD UP! :) hang in there hun. I understand your pain, trust me, I get it.


  2. *hugs* I'm the same way- if I restrict all day, I wind up eating all night :(. Totally no fun.

    You can do it... just because it's been a rough past few days doesn't mean that it has to keep being that way. I haven't been reading that long but if you need anyone to email/text let me know...


  3. Hey girl! SO glad you've found my blog! I've been following you for a while. Check your followers! I'm the second little pic ;)

    I just wanted to say that you are so brave to post all of these amazing pieces on your blog. I admire your honesty and your commitment to recovery. I can relate to you on so many grounds. Every day is different. There will be some more challenging than others. We just have to remember not to get down on ourselves. Tomorrow will be a new day.

    Keep at it. You have a LOT of people behind you. xo

  4. Don't apologize for getting your feelings out! Like you said, you've been feeling lonely and I know how much that sucks. It happened to me a LOT last year and it made me want to turn to ED to fix the problem. But--it's not the answer! Remember that you have a lot of people rooting for you to kick stupid ED to the curb, and that you can and should turn to God. You are an amazing, beautiful woman and you deserve happiness.

    You can email/FB me if you ever wanna talk :)

  5. you really don't need to apologise hun. I can really relate to the loneliness and for me it has led to the same things so you are really not alone. is their anything that you could distract yourself with? reading blogs, magazines books etc. Try not to beat yourself up as this can make the negative thoughts worse. take care sweet. xx

  6. oh haley sweetie... i hate this for you and all of us. i know you know this, but you're not alone. i totally get this. and you're right that turning to god is the answer. he's here and wants to be a comfort for our fear & alone feelings. also you're beautiful and in no way are you fat. i know that doesn't make the bad feelings and thoughts go away but it is true :) hang in there, lambie

  7. Biggest hugs! And NEVER be sorry for how you feel. We are entitled to our feelings. We are entitled to them so we can feel them, process them, learn from them, and grow in them. Keep on reflecting on what may trigger you and what could possibly change the outcome in a future similar situation. You have the strength and power in you . You DO!

  8. I hope you're feeling a little better after writing this! You're gonna have a lot of setbacks in life, but you have to turn them around and let them make you stronger. It seems like the hardest times come when you are doing so well -- it's just that there is such a big difference. You can make things go up from here, I know it and I believe in you! I want to give you a big ol' hug right now because I've been there. You will get back to your happy place. If you ever feel lonely, we are all here for you!!!

  9. You know what I see when I see photos of you? A BEAUTIFUL girl, who is strong and amazing and a freakin awesome runner. I'm pretty sure a 'fat cow' couldn't run 5ks in the crazy awesome times you can and break school records!! Don't be sorry- you have nothing to be sorry for! PLEASE don't be lonely! Any time you feel lonely you can talk to ME!! Gotta get on that webcam thing so we can Skype 24/7! :P

    And I LOVE what you said in your comment about starting over! That is what matters:) PLUS I think we both know what we have to look forward HARRY POTTER MOVIE!!!! :D

    LOVE YOU and I am sending you HUGE hugs from here!! <3

  10. There is so little I can say that hasn't already been said by some awesome ladies in the comments. Feel so loved by your readers! I think you are to brave to be completely honest about these complex emotions. Hope you're in a better place after writing them all down.

    PS--you're absolutely STUNNING in that new header picture!

  11. Oh, Haley sweetie <3 Im so sorry you are having a hard time at the moment! Even though we are all different, I think I can relate to how you are feeling. Those periodes comes to me all the time too. I can feel great for days, then all out of the blue : BAM! And Im down again.
    Remember to get up again as soon as you can. You are doing great, and there will always be setbacks! But dont let them forget about how amazing you are doing! Forgive yourself, pray, move on!
    I always used to beat myself so hard up after binging. Lately I have been trying to instead say "Im so sorry body.Thank you for giving me another chance, Ill try to treat you better this time!". Sounds silly I know, but it really have been helping me.

    You are in my thoughts Haley <3

  12. Your feelings are your feelings, so don't apologize for them at all. I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. You know that you can turn it around because you have done it before. Have faith and believe in yourself. You are amazing!

  13. Angel, you have nothing to feel ashamed of.
    Not at all.
    And it is okay to feel, to feel overwhelmed by your feelings, and whilst I am not saying, oh go ahead and use behaviours, this is a process.
    You will learn for this.
    Pick and pull out the things that triggered this - you already highlighted, the restricting (physical hunger) the emotional (emotional hunger) and missing and feeling alone.
    These are all feeling you can LEARN to manage.
    It might take time, but it won't always be this way, I promise.

    I love you my darling.
    Very much {{{hugs}}}

  14. Amen, God is the one we have to turn to!! Keep on trying hard! You'll get through this.