I hate being here in my apartment alone.
I went home this weekend, and things were so good.
Then I get back to Starkville, and I'm fine for a day or two, but then the loneliness sinks in again.
I was doing so well, but tonight I once again turned to food as a source of comfort..
Whether it was because I was lonely, depressed, bored, or a combination, I don't really know..
All that I know is that I was feeling terrible, and I thought eating couldn't make it any worse.
Except that it did.
I have been having super restrictive thoughts lately just cuz I look at myself and see this fat cow.
The restrictive thoughts have led me to eat very little/healthy the past few days, which in turn led to my binging tonight, I guess.
I'm just so frustrated because I was doing SO FREAKING WELL. I was happy.
And then I have to screw it up again.
I know that I need to be turning to God in times like this.
Food is not the answer.
Whether I am not eating or eating until I can't eat anymore, neither of these will make up for whatever feelings I am trying to suppress..
I just wish I could find the source of my sadness.
I know that there is a long list of traumatic things I try to avoid, but it just seems so crazy to me that things that I don't even think about on a regular basis could be expressed through my eating.
I know it's that way, though, because whenever events bring up these thoughts I turn to whatever I know best to deal with this reminded pain, that being restriction or binging.
I'm just so tired of it.
I'm sitting here crying as I type, ashamed of my actions and my thoughts. Ashamed of the backtracking and lack of hope.
I'm sorry I'm not in a better place.
I just needed to get this off my chest.