Sunday, July 10, 2011

Beautifully Broken

Deciding the title for my blog posts has never come easy to me..
But tonight, upon reading an email from one very sweet follower, these words resonated through my head: "Beautifully broken".
The reader didn't mention either of these words, but the message that she sent made me realize that this is what I am.

My blog is not one that screams recovery, nor is it one that screams eating disorder.. I feel like I'm in the middle. Some days I am doing well, other days, not so much.
But the thing is, I am trying.

I'm not <15% underweight, nor am I obese..
My natural wave of thinking is that I must be one or the other.
I know how illogical that sounds, but sometimes when I see myself all that I see is this overweight cow.
Since 115 pounds is the lowest healthy BMI weight for me, that must be what I should be.
But who says that's the case?
I am an athlete. And obviously I have done well with the weight that I have gained, so that should be proof that there is no need to revert to my old ED tendencies, something that I tend to forget/ignore much too often..
The man from the Memphis paper took my picture after winning the Firecracker 5k on July 3rd.
My story is one that I guess some people want to hear.
I never imagined why anyone would want to read about my problems/twisted, crazy life, but I see now that it's not because I have everything together..
It's because I admit that I don't have everything together. 
My life is messy. I'm not perfect. I am me.

I am broken.
I have gone through hell and back.
But I'm still here.
And my scars have left beauty marks.

Keep fighting. You are worth it.
<3 Haley

18 comments:

  1. And you are loved so very much by so many!!!! I am proud of you. Keep believing in yourself and conquering your fears day by day. None of us are perfect but you sure are close. :)

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  2. Great picture! You are beautiful.

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  3. You ARE amazing!! Never forget that :)

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  4. Beautiful post, Haley. You are an amazing person and your struggles have only made you stronger. <3

    It's true that a blog that is only "rah-rah recovery" all the time isn't appealing- because that's not what recovery or life actually looks like, and no one can relate to perfection.

    I also tend to see everything in black and white, but am trying to embrace that recovery and life are often in shades of grey- we can work on this goal together.

    <3

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  5. Your blog is so real. I agree with Jess (above me), it's not all "Rah Rah Recovery", all of your struggles are genuine things that someone who's recovering goes through and not fake.

    I love the picture :). You won the race and you look healthy and strong because you ARE healthy and strong now. That's what matters!

    A.L.

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  6. Hey Hayley, nice to meet you! Thanks for commenting. I just added your blog to my blog roll. :) Can't wait to read more.

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  7. I agree that your blog is real because you don't just share your accomplishments but also your struggles. You don't focus too much on one or another, and that makes it so great to read.

    Just like your blog's title, I see things as all or nothing. Either I'm underweight or I'm huge. I'm recovering or I'm slipping. But that's not how life works at all. I'm glad that we're both realizing this now. It's okay not to be one extreme or the other, but somewhere in the middle.

    You are so beautiful in your picture, I love your new shorter hair!

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  8. Beautiful post!

    Three things :)
    1- love the new haircut, real cute!
    2- congrats on the win in the race!
    3- "My life is messy. I'm not perfect. I am me." LOVE THIS.

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  9. I have read your blog for quite some time and it always comforts beyond belief because we have gone through so much of the same things. No recovery battle is the same, but I swear ours are darn near twins. I want to tell you that you are gorgeous and strong and a person that many people would envy- it is astonishing that our brains allow us to think otherwise. Believe in yourself and do at least one thing each day that leads you to a better tomorrow. Praying for you!

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  10. dude you look like a fit beast about to pwn the shit outta some SEC bitches. that's all i have to say. UAWA!

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  11. beautiful post haley! that picture compared to the pictures i saw when i started following you SCREAMS fit! your legs look amazing and i'm sure they will get you to cover some XC courses pretty quickly this fall ;-) i'm glad you put that picture up and hopefully YOU can see how amazing YOU truly are!

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  12. Beautiful post, and it really got me thinking..
    Im in the middle too. Sometimes I feel so stupid for even posting and talking about my struggles with foods. Im not underweight, and I dont live on 800 cals a day. But my disordered thinking is still there, and it has this aweful power over me..

    I hope you are having a wonderful day<3

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  13. You are beautiful, inside and out!

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  14. I absolutely love your blog! Being an athlete as well, I am so inspired by how strong you have become through recovery :)

    You are amazing! <3

    Scott

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  15. Sorry I haven't commented in a while but I LOVE THIS idea! I kinda think that because we are all humans we are all in way beautifully broken as we work through issues... You're an inspiration!

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