Running towards recovery

Why is my life a never ending roller coaster? :P

I guess I should start with the 12th-ish of July..

That is the day I realized that I have ONE MONTH until cross country practice begins..

I went kinda psycho that day I guess cuz I calculated how many calories I need to eat in order to lose 10 pounds in this month..

I decided that I would eat 800-1300ish a day, while running 75ish miles a week.

Yea, I know.. stupid..

I got really serious about it, though, about a week and a half ago.

So Connor came to visit me this past week.

He got here on Tuesday, and it was lovely. We had a great time, that is, until every mealtime rolled around..

Connor would want to eat pasta.. Pasta?!! That's all carbs!! I don't need those calories!

So I'd make a huge yummy salad.. Yes, I enjoyed the salad, but I was depriving myself of nutrients and calories I needed. I was counting calories. I was food logging, and I was beginning to get obsessive.

One day I ended up at 900, and I was SO excited and proud of myself.

What is wrong with this picture??

Ha, but seriously..

So Connor wanted to go out to eat one of the last nights he was here.. We went out to Old Venice Friday night, our favorite pasta place.. I had a huge freakout even allowing myself to go out, let alone for Italian.

I ended up ordering a salad and splitting half a flatbread veggie appetizer with the boy.

I still felt pretty hungry before bed, so I made a sweet potato with some sugar-free maple syrup, cinnamon, and PB2. 

I was proud of myself for fueling myself for the next morning's long run.

And I could tell that I had extra energy Saturday morning, too. It was one of my best long runs of the summer. I ran with a sophomore named Joseph from Starkville high, and we really pushed each other. He wants to win Mississippi's state title, and I want to be All-American. ha :P

I want to run towards a healthy, happy lifestyle, full of love and laughter.
Cheesy, I know.. But it's my dream. I think I can do it.

Anyway, Connor left, and I realized that I was alone, yet again..

And I was hungrier on Saturday than usual, so I ate more than I had planned, and I didn't really count calories.. This led to my feeling like I was a failure. I can't even 'diet' correctly..

So Sunday I woke up late, and I had NO desire to run..

I thought maybe I'd run later, but nah.. didn't feel like running then, either.

I know it's horrible, but am I getting burnt out already??!

What is wrong with me?

I'm Haley.. Miss 'Please, give me more mileage!', Miss 'I know the schedule said 12 miles easy, but I did 14 and I was going 6:10 pace by the end'.

Since when am I too lazy to do a 4 stinking mile easy run on Sunday?

I was miserable.

I cried. I binged. I balled. I slept. I binged. I studied. repeat.

This morning my alarm didn't go off in time.

I woke up at 6, missing the 5:30 A.M. running date that I had actually set up for the other girls and I.

So I slept in, and then went to Psych and then to Chem where I took my third test.

I got home to check the computer and find out that I got a 97 on my third test. Thank goodness because the second one was an 81. Hopefully I do better on the fourth one because you can drop your lowest grade, and if I can have three A test grades going into the final I will feel much better.

Even that didn't get me out of this rut, though..

I somewhat binged and then studied for my Psych test tomorrow.. Then slept until I ran with some other girls on the team at 6:30. I made it 4.5 miles, and I had to stop to go to the restroom..

My stomach was killing me!

I contemplated walking the 2 miles back to the track, but I saw a couple of my teammates leaving a local restaurant, so I pulled myself together and ran back to catch up with a couple of my teammates that I had previously left..

I stole the running pics from my friend Sam's blog.

When I got back we all went to the restroom and then stretched and got to talking..

I let my friends/teammates Adriana and Dom know that I have been having a pretty hard time, lately.. It was really good to confide in friends that I know really care for me.

The thing is, I don't really even have a reason for the way I've been feeling..

Things with my dad are so much better than they were 2 years ago.. I have the best boyfriend in the world.. My mother has 50? days of sobriety.. I am doing well in school..
Yet I put all of this stress on myself.

It's like I'm never good enough. I'm not smart, pretty, thin, fast enough.

For who? No one else expects perfection. Except for me, that is.

Anyway, I only ran 6.5 out of the 11 miles I was supposed to run today.

My stomach wouldn't let me go anymore than that.

And for once I'm okay with this.

Because I know that tomorrow is a new day.

I'm going to fuel my body.

I'm not going to limit my calories to freaking 1200 a day..

I'm going to work on fueling my body because I realized tonight that I love what I do. I love running.

I hate these pressures I put on myself. They make me miserable, and they completely distort my perception of myself and my sport.

No one else expects me to be the fastest in the nation. They just expect my best.

So that's what I'm going for.

I hope everyone has a great week.

Your comments, thoughts, and prayers mean so much to me.

<3 Haley

P.s. I will be doing the Q&A as soon as things will school settle down. Let me know if yall have any more questions!