Monday, July 25, 2011

Running towards recovery

Why is my life a never ending roller coaster? :P
I guess I should start with the 12th-ish of July..
That is the day I realized that I have ONE MONTH until cross country practice begins..
I went kinda psycho that day I guess cuz I calculated how many calories I need to eat in order to lose 10 pounds in this month..
I decided that I would eat 800-1300ish a day, while running 75ish miles a week.
Yea, I know.. stupid..

I got really serious about it, though, about a week and a half ago.
So Connor came to visit me this past week.
He got here on Tuesday, and it was lovely. We had a great time, that is, until every mealtime rolled around..
Connor would want to eat pasta.. Pasta?!! That's all carbs!! I don't need those calories!
So I'd make a huge yummy salad.. Yes, I enjoyed the salad, but I was depriving myself of nutrients and calories I needed. I was counting calories. I was food logging, and I was beginning to get obsessive.
One day I ended up at 900, and I was SO excited and proud of myself.
What is wrong with this picture??
Ha, but seriously..
So Connor wanted to go out to eat one of the last nights he was here.. We went out to Old Venice Friday night, our favorite pasta place.. I had a huge freakout even allowing myself to go out, let alone for Italian.
I ended up ordering a salad and splitting half a flatbread veggie appetizer with the boy.
I still felt pretty hungry before bed, so I made a sweet potato with some sugar-free maple syrup, cinnamon, and PB2. 
I was proud of myself for fueling myself for the next morning's long run.
And I could tell that I had extra energy Saturday morning, too. It was one of my best long runs of the summer. I ran with a sophomore named Joseph from Starkville high, and we really pushed each other. He wants to win Mississippi's state title, and I want to be All-American. ha :P
I want to run towards a healthy, happy lifestyle, full of love and laughter.
Cheesy, I know.. But it's my dream. I think I can do it.
Anyway, Connor left, and I realized that I was alone, yet again..
And I was hungrier on Saturday than usual, so I ate more than I had planned, and I didn't really count calories.. This led to my feeling like I was a failure. I can't even 'diet' correctly..

So Sunday I woke up late, and I had NO desire to run..
I thought maybe I'd run later, but nah.. didn't feel like running then, either.
I know it's horrible, but am I getting burnt out already??!
What is wrong with me?
I'm Haley.. Miss 'Please, give me more mileage!', Miss 'I know the schedule said 12 miles easy, but I did 14 and I was going 6:10 pace by the end'.
Since when am I too lazy to do a 4 stinking mile easy run on Sunday?
I was miserable.
I cried. I binged. I balled. I slept. I binged. I studied. repeat.

This morning my alarm didn't go off in time.
I woke up at 6, missing the 5:30 A.M. running date that I had actually set up for the other girls and I.
So I slept in, and then went to Psych and then to Chem where I took my third test.
I got home to check the computer and find out that I got a 97 on my third test. Thank goodness because the second one was an 81. Hopefully I do better on the fourth one because you can drop your lowest grade, and if I can have three A test grades going into the final I will feel much better.
Even that didn't get me out of this rut, though..
I somewhat binged and then studied for my Psych test tomorrow.. Then slept until I ran with some other girls on the team at 6:30. I made it 4.5 miles, and I had to stop to go to the restroom..
My stomach was killing me!
I contemplated walking the 2 miles back to the track, but I saw a couple of my teammates leaving a local restaurant, so I pulled myself together and ran back to catch up with a couple of my teammates that I had previously left..
I stole the running pics from my friend Sam's blog.
When I got back we all went to the restroom and then stretched and got to talking..
I let my friends/teammates Adriana and Dom know that I have been having a pretty hard time, lately.. It was really good to confide in friends that I know really care for me.
The thing is, I don't really even have a reason for the way I've been feeling..
Things with my dad are so much better than they were 2 years ago.. I have the best boyfriend in the world.. My mother has 50? days of sobriety.. I am doing well in school..
Yet I put all of this stress on myself.

It's like I'm never good enough. I'm not smart, pretty, thin, fast enough.
For who? No one else expects perfection. Except for me, that is.
Anyway, I only ran 6.5 out of the 11 miles I was supposed to run today.
My stomach wouldn't let me go anymore than that.
And for once I'm okay with this.
Because I know that tomorrow is a new day.
I'm going to fuel my body.
I'm not going to limit my calories to freaking 1200 a day..
I'm going to work on fueling my body because I realized tonight that I love what I do. I love running.
I hate these pressures I put on myself. They make me miserable, and they completely distort my perception of myself and my sport.
No one else expects me to be the fastest in the nation. They just expect my best.
So that's what I'm going for.
I hope everyone has a great week.
Your comments, thoughts, and prayers mean so much to me.
<3 Haley
P.s. I will be doing the Q&A as soon as things will school settle down. Let me know if yall have any more questions!


  1. Girl, you ARE beautiful, loving, sweet, caring, FAST, stunning, and ALL AROUND FANTASTIC! STOP beating yourself up--you ARE good enough!!

    <3 you, & i'm here for you!

  2. yes and I got those pictures from weheartit! I forgot to link it as the source :(

    This post made me feel better about myself though for sure. Here I am feeling like I am the only one in the world that isn't doing so hot with training, but hearing that you have off days too makes me feel a lot better about my crap of a week. We can form a bond together to strive for a better future ahead of us! Every day is a new start, in fact every minute is and you can be the change to the day you are having!


  3. hay,

    I'm really proud of you for NOT doing all the mileage. I'm proud of you for not going neo-Nazi trying to run it anyway. I'm proud of you for recognizing your bad habits. i'm proud that you are brave enough to share this. and I'm proud to call myself your friend.

    if you read my blog you'd see that I feel like garbage and hardly ever hit my mileage. I'm glad for it bc once season starts the word "break" wont ever get mentioned.

    love you. dont beat yourself up any more than this world already inevitably will. it's brutal out there and you need to RIGHT NOW put on your I"'m good enough" armor and stand tough.

    love you.

  4. I love reading your blog and following you on your journey. It helps me with my own recovery. I love how you are so honest about how you are feeling and what you are thinking. I know it's helping so many other people who are going through the same things.

    I am sorry that the ed has been more tempting and louder lately... but I am so proud of you for recognizing that and fighting for what you know is the right things to do, not only for your recovery, but for you LIFE! Keep on fighting girly ;)

  5. I can so relate to everything you are saying. please know you are not alone. This will NOT break you because you are so much stronger than you even know. I can relate to the "I have to lose weight before the season starts" mindset, and i want you to know that the cross country season that I was at my highest weight, I ran my fastest time... by like 30 seconds compared to when I thought I was at "my racing weight." You are strong, and you will surprise yourself a ton this season. But make it your goal to give it your all each day and walk away HAPPY. 6.5 was your ALL today and the fact that you gave it that should make you PROUD. Fuel your body EVERY day and forget about that crazy restrictiveness so you don't have to experience the "in a rut," binging days. And forgive yourself for those days. So much easier said than done but you have already broken so many barriers... you can do it! I don't even know you, but your blog has helped me so much. and i pray for you often! Keep fighting and hoping and believing and loving yourself and all your flaws.

    Jocelyn :)

  6. <3
    It made me so sad to see that you started to restrict yourself again! But so happy when I came to the end of your post, and you wrote that you are going to fuel better again :D
    I know you are able to keep it up, although I also know that the desire to restrict will come again! Be strong!! And dont let ED tell you to eat less! You deserve to be happy and strong and have energy!
    Love you girl!

  7. You are NOT going to let ED take a hold of you! You are God's to him. Cry, scream, and pour it all out to him. Seriously, look how far you have gotten! This slip up may be hard, and I totally know what it's like because I'm in a similar situation, but keep fighting!Ups and downs are going to happen; recovery is not perfect!

    sending you lots of love and support!

  8. I think you need a spa day.
    Sounds stupid but really, go get some highlights, your nails done, a massage, maybe? This to shall pass Haley.
    And stop trying to make weight before the season. Remember you are going into three big weeks of mileage. Your body will find where it wants to be.
    And don't forget you are beautiful


  9. Your one of the strongest people I have come across.
    You make ME keep going.
    Thank you :)

  10. Haley--I love this quote from Tony Horton (P90X guru): "Do your best; forget the rest."
    Now, if you do your best, you will do the very best you can for your body, for your health as well as push yourself to achieve those PRs in running and those A's in the classroom. When you have sincerely done the best you can, in whatever endeavor, you can, without stress, forget the rest. And one more quote: "Be good to yourself; if you don't take care of your body, where will you live?" See you Saturday...

  11. I really wish I lived closer to you so that I could give you a hug.

    As someone who's older than you (okay, so I'm 25, but I am out of college and have been working for 4 years)... don't stress yourself out striving for perfection. I spent so many of my college days trying to get As and be super involved. I graduated with a 3.96 GPA and I wish I'd studied less and partied/hung out more. If I had graduated with a 3.5 I would still have the same type of job I have now, same pay, same type of life. But I missed out on some good times to get it, because at the time, it was all that mattered.

    Right now running and grades matter to you, it's totally understandable, but 5 years from now you won't remember or care what you made on those tests or remember how many miles you didn't run. Enjoy your time with your friends because when college and running are over, they're over. And spend lots of time with Connor too even if it means eating out sometimes. He seems like such a nice guy and encouraging from what you say about him here.

    I'm glad you listened to your body and didn't do all the running and have eaten more calories. Your body really needs it. Don't worry about your weight and losing 10 pounds- you don't need to lose any. You look great and run GREAT!


  12. Hayley...I won't lie but I was about to reach into the computer and shake you when I read the part about you limiting your calories!!! Don't worry, that was out of tough love. XXX :)....But.... That's your ED lying to you and making you feel like shit.

    I am so glad you realized that in order to run, you need to eat well. It fuels your body and gives you the strength that your body needs.

    Recovery is HARD HARD HARD. I struggle with my recovery too. So do pat yourself on the back for this realization. Pat yourself on the back for getting up once you've fallen. Pat yourself on the back for talking with your friends (reaching out).

    You are AMAZING!!!!


  13. Inspiring words, Haley! I'm proud of you :)

  14. Oh Haley, I'm so so glad that you realize you HAVE to fuel yourself properly if you want to be able to keep running at your best! I know it must be so hard for you to be on your own without Connor, and that loneliness can lead to turning to your ED but remember that it's not worth it. At all. Restriction sucks big time, especially if you're also incredibly active like you are.

    You are gorgeous and do NOT need to lose any weight! Keep reaching out through your blog and with your friends! :)

  15. Stay strong Haley. Focus on the words you've written when you feel things getting tough. You are worth every smile you put upon your face.

  16. You are one busy and strong lady!! xoxo I can't wait to hear how great you do during your cross country season. I wish I ran in college. Stay strong and be HEALTHY.