Sunday, January 23, 2011

Scared to confront my own feelings..

I think the reason that I haven't blogged in so long can be found in the title of this post. Yes, I've been busy. Yet, I've found the time to read other's posts and comment on those.. I've also found the time to finish 2 discs of Friends, season 9 within 3 days. I've been exercising like crazy, and reading a good bit, as well.

I don't really know where to start. I mean, it's been a whole week since I've posted. Actually, I'm looking through my food blog right now so that I can remember what all has happened these past seven days.
Well, I saw Kelly (nutritionist) Monday morning. I went to see her at 9:30 A.M. before my 10:00 practice (We were out of school due to MLK Jr. day). I texted my coach and told him I'd be late because of it, and he was fine with that since I'm only cross training now, anyway. So I woke up Monday, ate a Kashi cereal bar, put on my one tennis shoe and my ugly boot, and headed out the door.
On my way, I tried to drink plenty of water. It's pretty much a ritual of mine. Especially throughout the fall, I knew that my weight would probably be too low for Kelly's standards, so I'd try to go through my whole Gatorade bottle before I reached the hospital. I don't drink quite that much water now, but I still do drink a good bit when I'm nervous over what the scale will read..
So I walk in, take off the boot, put on my other tennis shoe and step on the scale. I weigh 1.2 lbs less than I did the week before..
I grimace, and say, "I knew this would happen.." It's true.
I had been restrictive and really weird with food the whole week previous because I felt that I was too lax over Christmas, and now was the time to make up for it.
Part of me was like, look! I can do it! I know how to lose weight, after all. I had been feeling as if I was just going to keep gaining and gaining without knowing how to stop.. Ridiculous, right?

The other *sane* part of me was disappointed, though.
After all, I've been reading all of these really encouraging pro-recovery blogs, and I've been so motivated to develop a normal relationship with food.
I felt like a failure, like a poser.
Haley, I thought you wanted to get better?
I do.. it's just..
STOP. This is where I need to stop myself. Anorexia is never ok. It doesn't matter if I felt like I had a past couple months. That doesn't make it okay for me to restrict myself today.
I don't want to use this eating disorder as my coping mechanism anymore. My blogger friend Liz had some great words to say about the matter in her last post.
I've gotta stop being so freaking scared to face my own emotions. Same with this blog. The reason I haven't posted: I don't want to deal with myself. I'm scared of what might come out of me delving into my feelings.

Anyway, this past week has been better. Kelly said on Monday that if I didn't gain weight this week she was going to tell Coach Franks (my track coach at MSU), and he would reduce my mileage. Now, Coach Franks has known about my ED since he became my head coach in August. However, he hasn't heard of any digression in my progress in the past few months, so I know that this would disappoint him as well as my athletic trainer Katie. It disappoints everyone who hears it, actually, including myself.
So, this week I have been eating more and trying to view food as my friend rather than my foe. Not my BEST friend, mind you, but a friend, nonetheless.

I made sugar cookies for my roommate's birthday on Wednesday. That was fun. I told myself I wouldn't eat ANY. I had already had too much of the dough. Yea right, I only had like half of a teaspoon of the stuff.
Please excuse how heinous I look.
P.s. I used this picture as an example to Connor of how fat I've gotten. I need to stop this nonsense.

Sugar cookies with a strawberry jelly/cream cheese royal icing. I experimented a bunch. :)
Due to this restriction, when the time came that everyone was eating the cookies (we had our neighbors over to celebrate with us), I ended up splurging and had four! I know that may not seem like an ungodly amount, but the way that it happened scares me. I had one in front of everyone. I also had a slice of cake. Yes, I felt somewhat pressured by my teammates surrounding me to eat normally. But I did it, anyway. Screw you, ED.
Then when they all left, I had another cookie. Ooh, and I'll have some more icing, too. How about another slice of cake? Yea, and another cookie can't hurt. Four cookies, 2 slices of cake, and far too much icing later, I'm feeling out of control. Thank goodness Connor walks in the door to hang out with me when he does; otherwise I feel like I would have eaten the whole plateful of cookies and half of the cake by myself in less than twenty minutes.

Ok, so this post is getting long. I won't go too much in detail about the rest of my week other than by saying that the next day I had 600 less than recommended for me to maintain my weight. Not good, especially on a week when I'm supposed to be gaining.. And then this weekend I did well because we had some recruits in for the weekend, and I had to eat out with the team multiple times.

Last night was fun. We went to my favorite burger place here in town. I'm not actually very big on burgers or any kind of meat other than grilled chicken or fish, but I do LOVE their peanut butter burger. Sounds gross, but trust me, it is to die for. I even wanted fries (theirs are sooo good), so I got them. This was a decision I was so happy with. I couldn't tell you the last time I had allowed myself to eat those things.
Connor and I at Mugshot's last night before our meal!
No, we did not mean to match, yet we were both wearing obnoxious purple. ha
I ordered my extra pb to dip the fries in, and it was just too good. I ate the whole burger. Plus the fries. Good thing, too, since before dinner I still needed 1500 calories to reach my 2500 cal maintaining goal.
I think I went a little too far off the deep end, though, because one of my recruits didn't eat her whole burger and I was reallyyy craving just a couple more bites. I took the rest of hers, split it, and gave 2/3 of it to Connor while I ate the rest. I also took some of her fries. I used my whole container of extra pb, plus some of Connor's, plus most of an accidental third dipping pb container we were given. A little excessive. I'm pretty positive I had at least 2000 calories in that meal, alone.

Grr, I am SO TIRED of this All or Nothing thing. It needs to stop.
Today I have been a little too restrictive due to last night, I guess. I haven't been consciously thinking of last night's episode as the reason for this, but I know that's why.. Also because I'm scared. Like I said before.
I went to the gym today and ellipticalled. I did a 15 minute warmup, a workout consisting of 6 minutes hard and 1 minute easy x6, and then a 15 minute cooldown. That's around 70 minutes of running.
I should have stopped, but this time I was consciously remembering last night, so I continued on for another 20 minutes to make it an even 90 minutes.
Then I did pushups and sittups.
Today's workout is pretty similar to the rest of my week's, as well. I've been running/biking/ellipticalling so hard. I don't want to lose my fitness. I don't want to become some fat bum.
Yes, I want to be a great runner. Yes, I would exercise hardcore even if I didn't have disordered thinking. However, sometimes the two are hard to distinguish as of late. I hate it.
Stupid elliptical
As far as my injury goes, I have been out of the boot for the past three days and I have been allowed to do very short runs the past few days, as well. The reason I ellipticalled today instead of running is because my trainer said I'm not allowed to run outside today if I want her to even consider letting me run the long run tomorrow.
I'm not going to be able to do the whole 90 minutes with the team, let alone the 105 that I would be doing if I wasn't injured, but I will be allowed to do 70 & that is fine by me! I'm just excited to be able to run.

I'm glad I've blogged tonight. I know I've said a lot, and I don't blame you if you didn't read the whole thing. I doubt I would. If you have, give yourself a pat on the back.
No seriously, do it.
Doesn't this make you feel like you're in elementary school? *I just patted my own back, btw, so I expect you to have done so, as well!*
I'm glad that we can go back to our roots for a second. When things were much simpler.
Well actually, my life was still pretty shitty in elementary school, too. But that's for another day, ha.

Like I was saying, I'm glad I blogged. It holds me accountable by allowing me to look at my behaviors and feelings from an outsider's perspective.

Also, I LOVE your comments. They seriously make my day. So feel free to leave some if you wish :)
I hope everyone is doing as well/better than I am right now.
I'll blog soon. And it won't be so long. Promise :)

P.s. I also made blueberry & blueberry chocolate chip muffins yesterday morning that my boys track team absolutely raved over. I'm sad I didn't take any pictures while they were still around. :/ Oh well, I'll make something else soon!


  1. First of all you are NOT a failure - everyone goes through their ups and downs during recovery. And don't beat yourself up over the burger or the cookies! You deserved it and you were craving it. Your body needed it! I totally understand though, when I eat "alot" one day, I have such a hard time eating my normal amount the next day...
    I'm glad you posted! And thanks for leaving such nice comments on my blog. :)

  2. I remember having that all or nothing attitude. It sucks. The way I got over it? I never restricted any certain food again. Now, I have absolute freedom to eat whatever I want which has taken away the extreme lust I would get for, say, that chocolate bar when it was around. Saying to yourself that you are NOT allowed to eat what you make is like saying to a child that they are not allowed to jump around and scream. Telling someone not to do anything just makes them want to do it even more!

    Haley, you are NOT fat. You really do need to gain weight, Sweetie. By losing weight you are damaging your heart. Please don't give in!! PLEASE keep fighting this winning battle. You will succeed!!!

    P.S. Connor sounds so lovely! You are so lucky to have such a supportive boyfriend :)


  3. It's okay, Haley! I was scared in the fall to write my feelings down on my tumblr. So that blog basically turned into this saccharine version of my life...Who wants to be a fake? Uh, not me!

    Isn't it crazy how our eating disorders can almost be like, devilish alter egos? They tell us how to think, live our lives, determine what's best for us when "what's best" could lead us further away from recovery?

    I'm proud of you for separating your thoughts from the ED's. While we did do this to ourselves, and we have clearly taken ownership for it, the EDs want us on their sides!

    GO US! We are doing great things. :D

  4. Haley, you are beautiful! And most definitely not fat. I feel like we're kind of on the same routine- I haven't blogged recently either. Sometimes it's hard to face yourself and I feel the blogging make you have to and really come to terms with what's been going on before you share it with others. Those cookies looked really great, I'm glad you allowed yourself to indulge. Indulging is good. The more you 'limit' one thing, the more you'll want it. Eating healthy lets you enjoy little indulgences every once in a while and enjoy it. I love Cross-trainers, but definitely used to abuse them for their high calorie burning rate and the convenient little red lights that let you know just how much you've burned. Now when I go to the gym I bring books to cover up the calorie counter and forget all about it. Keep fighting the good fight, I'm so happy you have Connor. You two are a darling couple.

  5. You are not a failure! I make mistakes too. Like one day I skipped lunch and then ate "too much" ate one meal, etc. Overcoming an eating disorder is really hard, but recognizing that the thing you did were wrong, is a step in the right direction(: And your family and friends are going to love you no matter what weight you are! I've had friends who came in all shapes and sizes and I never thought about their weight. And they did the same for me. People love you for your personality, not your looks or weight. Thats just Ed trying to be stupid again. Stay strong! You can do this.

  6. First off, what's wrong with the elliptical machine?? I love them, I prefer them to running and don't think they will make you, or me a 'fat bum' or whatever it was.
    Anyway, about the all or nothing stuff, I so get what you mean I have said that sentance so many times hun, the only way to get moderation is time. I tend to restrict severly for a few months, then go into 'recovery' and binge madly, then slowly but surely my eating stabalises.

    Thankyou so much for the support you are giving on my blog, your comments are so encouraging :)

  7. SUCH a cute picture of you with the cookies! You in NO WAY look fat. Not that's it bad to be fat. It's not good though either... I LOVE SEASON 9 of Friends!! Especially the episodes with Mike in them. I'm a little in love with Paul Rudd. Don't be too hard on yourself for maybe eating more than was comfortable a few times. And remember that every day is a new day for yourself and your body so no matter what you ate the day before you need to eat enough the next day.

  8. Hi Haley!
    I just wanted to tell you that I think it's great that you were able to eat a burger and fries, as well as those treats on your friend's birthday. I completely understand how you feel about being "out of control"; that sort of thing has happened to me many times too. Don't worry, your body is smart and knows how to balance things. Just remember that ED is a jerk whom you do not need to listen to.

    P.S: Those muffins sound delicious! :-)

  9. Haley,

    *HUG* Please don't ever tell yourself that you are a failure at recovery! The definition of recovery is that it is very up and down. You have made so much progress and come so far- remember that. And I highly encourage you to give some of the love and support that you show to me and the other bloggers on here to yourself, because you deserve it!!!!

    I can relate a lot to having an all or nothing way of looking at things, but the way to go about recovery, I think, is to do our best to see things from a balanced perspective. You've lost some weight- on the one hand, you shouldn't beat yourself up, but on the other hand, you shouldn't completely let yourself off the hook either, you know? I'm struggling to find a more balanced attitude about this as well.

    I also really, really identify with restricting and then eating a lot later. Something my nutritionist reminded me of, though, is that the urge to eat everything in sight after restricting is a biological, instinctual reaction. It doesn't mean we're out of control or anything bad our EDs will tell us we are- it just means that our bodies want and need nutrients, and if we don't get them during the day, our bodies are going to gravitate towards certain foods at night that will fill us up- for our own protection. As long as we both try to not restrict during the day, we shouldn't have to worry about overreating at times.

    I will be thinking of you lots, Haley! You are a truly remarkable person, I can tell just from reading your blog and your comments, and you definitely have the strength to overcome this illness. I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!!!!! <3