Monday, January 31, 2011


Wow, I cannot believe I am twenty freaking years old today.
Why am I so old?
Life goes on. Or as Kurt Vonnegut writes, "So it goes.." :)

Anyway, I have had one craaazy weekend.
Everyone on my team read the blog post where I talked about lonely, and many of them expressed that they felt hurt by it because they consider themselves a friend of mine. I wasn't saying I don't have friends, though. I was just stating that I wish I would get the random text message asking me to go to dinner or to come over and watch a movie. That sort of thing, ya know? It happens once in a blue moon, but it's so rare..
So yea, everyone also read what I wrote about my roommate in a totally different manner than was my intention when writing it. I found out when I came home from my meet Saturday night about how several people on the team had been talking about me and my blog, saying how low and harsh I was & that they couldn't believe that I could be so cruel.
I cried for so long in Connor's arms when he told me this news. I had already posted the blog apologizing for my words, but apparently that went unnoticed. Oh well, it's my fault for bringing up past events in the first place.
The last thing I needed, though, was to feel even more alone. This did just that. I felt like everyone hated me. And that's jut my personality since developing ED, anyway, to doubt what others think of me and how I feel about myself.

Sunday, though, I woke up and headed to church. Connor had spent the night, and he was already at Sunday school. I decided that I needed God. I can't do this on my own. That's so me, to think that I can fix everything. But that's not the way it works. God has shown me time and time again that I can only make it in this world through Him.
Connor didn't end up staying for church service, so it was kinda funny cuz I passed him on his way back from church as I was headed that way. At first this made me doubt my decision of going. I wouldn't have anyone to sit with.. It might be uncomfortable..
Who cares? This is about my relationship with God, no one else. So I went.
The sermon wasn't the greatest, but I read a good bit from my Bible, and I really enjoyed my Sunday morning.
I felt so much confident and relieved when I walked out those doors than when I had entered them that morning. I knew that God was on my side, and we'd get through this together. Plus Connor, my friends back home, and my family are all very supportive.

So yesterday I waited on my roommate to get home, and I explained to her that I meant absolutely no harm in my words on my blog. I didn't even know anyone reads this thing other than those of you also recovering from ED *I love y'all, btw :)*. So I was shocked in the first place to find out that it had caused such a scandal. Nonetheless, she had read it and didn't know what to make of it. I almost burst into tears again telling her how very sorry I was and how much I wished I could have taken back the whole post.
She was very calm and understanding about it all. I rambled for a good thirty minutes or so, but I think she got my point that I have absolutely nothing against her at the moment, and I wouldn't want to do anything to cause distance between the two of us. No, I don't expect us to be best friends, but I like where our relationship has been heading lately. We're very civil and respectful towards each other.
So she said she's fine for dropping it if I am, and that was the best news I could have hoped for.

Yes, I still feel bad. I'm just so hard on myself that it's hard to let big mistakes like this go. But I'm trying to go with the 'let go, let God' philosophy.
It's also hard because I guess many of my teammates see me differently, and I want to have these in-depth conversations explaining myself to each of them, too. But honestly, that's neither plausible nor necessary. They weren't the ones I hurt. This was between my roommate and I, and that matter is settled.
Pretty colors :)

This morning we had a long run, and my teammate Dom and I started early because we both have an 8:00 class. It was such a great way to start my birthday. No worries, no pressure. No one watching.
Short sleeves, shorts, and trainers on January 31st. Is that not crazy? It's never been so warm on my birthday. I think it was mid-fifties on my run this morning. Love it.
Anyway, we did a 30 minute tempo run at 6:15ish pace in the middle of our run cuz that's what Coach had Dom doing, and she asked if I would join her. I in turn asked Coach, and he said it was fine, so I was excited. I love running fast for long periods of time. I did 93 minutes this morning, the most I've done in a month. I can't wait to run 100 minutes next Monday. :) I'm a running dork, I know.

Speaking of running, 0 achilles pain! Yay! I ran the 3k at Kentucky this weekend. My race wasn't until 5:20, so it kinda sucked that I was having to wait around all day, especially since we left the day before at 6 A.M., so the anxiety had been building for a while. Before the race, Coach Schmidt (my coach last year and the head athletic director of T&F this year) said, "Ok, ready to break some MSU records?" I'm like, uhhh.. I had done ONE speed workout before this race. I did not feel fast, not gonna lie.
So I go to the start line. I'm ready. I have my freshly applied lip gloss and my just-popped-in Extra Peppermint gum.
My racing gum
I have way too many of these. But I need lipgloss before I run. I know; I'm strange.
Of course he says, "To your mark," in which we on the outside lanes are supposed to step up to the line before he shoots the gun. Before we even get a chance to, though, the gun is fired. I'm cramped between 7 or so girls all trying to stay in these 3 lanes and get out as quickly as they can. Of course I get crushed and trip on the professional runner's shoe.
haha, I'm retarded.
I apologize to everyone, even though they're much more concerned about my well-being than restarting the race, and then we start again.

Man, it feels so great to race again. I was planning on hitting 80 splits for my 400's to get a 3k time of 10:00, but I came through the first lap at 74 feeling awesome. Of course the pro was a century ahead of me, but other than that I led the rest of the race until lap five. My splits were around 77-78 consistently, and I was so relaxed. When the girl passed me, I didn't freak out. I knew I could get her. I waited and stayed right with her until two laps to go. This was on a 290 meter track, so the race was fairly close to being over. My coach was cheering so loud I could hear him all the way across the track. He was jumping by the time I got around to him. I love that man, haha.
Unfortunately, I was passed in the last 150 or so meters by a Kenyan girl from WKU that just whizzed by me. It surprised me, mostly. Anyway, I got third place, and the WKU girl and I were closing in fast on the professional runner, too. My time was 9:44, so there is no complaining there. Next race I definitely want to go low 9:30's, though, if not faster. It's in two weeks, and I'm excited. :)
Yes, I got passed in the end, but I was happy with the race. :) It was fun. Seriously fun. 
I'm in white, and the girl on the left is the one that passed me with 5 laps to go..
The Kenyan in the back is the second place winner. Hey, she ran a smart race. What can I say?
Another thing: the professional girl. I see her before we start the race. Wow. Skinny. Really skinny. And of course, I'm like, ahh.. I've never raced at this weight. This pro is ridiculously thin. Her uniform top hangs off of her. It's not supposed to do that. And look at me, I weigh more than I did in cross country, when I had such a good season. But then I look at my coach (Coach Franks). He is always telling us that low weight doesn't mean fast times. Sometimes it can mean the opposite. I need to fuel my body. So I see his serious pre-race face, and I know that he has confidence in me. Heck, I have confidence in me. It doesn't matter how much I weigh. I know I'm strong. So I went to that start line knowing that ED wasn't going to affect my race. It's a great feeling telling those thoughts to eff off. 

Oh, btw, I also did wonderful the rest of the weekend with eating, too. Many of my teammates ran the mile race at 1:20 on Saturday, but like I said, I didn't race until 5:20 P.M. So they didn't eat lunch. They had to wait til after their races, and most of them raced again at 3:40. So for a second I hesitated with lunch because it's always been hard for me to eat when others are not. However, I had my bagel with PB&Co's Dark Chocolate Dreams peanut butter on one half, cream cheese on the other (We had to be at the meet at 11 A.M., so we didn't stop for lunch anywhere. I packed this from home the day before. *Always prepared ;)*). I also had my pretzels, gatorade, and an apple. And look how well I ran!
My teammate/friend Chloe and I joked that it was the peanut butter that made us fast because we both had bagels with the dark chocolate pb for breakfast that morning, and we both set new personal records. She ran a 4:56 mile. Yea, what a beast :)

This is a random picture I took the other night after eating some with pretzels. I figured I'd soon write about it on here, and what do ya know? I did! Conrad actually bought this jar for me. What a sweet boyfriend. :)
If you've never had this, you've never lived. Go out and buy some now. Seriously. So delicious.
Ok, so wow, this is a LONG post. Umm.. I will post tomorrow about my birthday presents and how my birthday went since the night is still young. Connor and I are going to Old Venice (our fave Italian place) for dinner, and then we're going to Local Culture for frozen yogurt. I also think we're going to rent the movie Easy A. He's seen it, and he really enjoyed it and thought I would, as well. 

So glad to have posted tonight. It feels great to 'online journal' again.
I've missed it this past couple days. I always feel relieved after this.
Oh, also, I meet with my therapist tomorrow. It's literally been two months since we've talked. Kinda nervous. 
Ok, so that's it. I'll stop writing now. 
If you read all this, you are either a wonderful person for caring so much about my life or you have no life yourself ;) haha just kidding.. I love reading blogs. I am a huge blog following dork.

I'm ready for some pasta, froyo, and spending time with the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. :)
<3 Haley


  1. Happy birthday to you Haley! I like how your coach said that being thin does not guarantee that you will be faster. Food is fuel, and it is necessary for atheletes to eat in order to be good athletes.

    I'm sorry about the situation regarding to your blog and people who had reacted to what you have said. I don't think you really should regret about what you have said. They were legit feelings and you had a right to feel this way.

    Do keep this in the mind, "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay then it's not the end."

  2. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HALEY!!! Twenty is a fun year :)

  3. Happy Birthday Haley! I hope you have an awesome day - you deserve it.

    Congrats on doing so well in your races! It is so good to hear that you are beating the disordered thinking, even when it tempts you. You're right - skinny doesn't mean faster and if you want to run, you need lots of fuel!

    I always enjoy reading your posts! Keep it up! And that chocolate PB looks incredible...I'll have to find a nut-free version! =)

  4. Happy Birthday. Hope this coming year will be your best yet!

  5. Happy Birthday!!! Your blog is very real, and that's awesome, I hope you keep it that way!! I completely understand about feeling so totally alone, even though you're "not." I think it's because friends can see something more than what we can see in ourselves, especially when that self is wrapped up someway in an eating disorder.

  6. Happy Birthday!!! I love the raw truth of your blog. Know that you can do this. ED is a bitch but you can do this and a lot of times I think that it may be our perception that is off. Other people see us the same but we think that they see you differently? I"m probably babbling absolute nonsense...

    but once again! Happy birthday!!! No longer a teen!!!!