Friday, December 31, 2010

Confessions of a teenage.. what am I?

So I know that it's been quite some time since my last post..
I've been busy, yea.. But honestly, I've been scared to admit on the blog as well as to myself everything that has been going on with me lately.
A LOT of emotions. A LOT.
I don't really know when it all started, but it's just weird being home..
Part of me feels like I need to please everyone by eating. Another part of me feels like I'm being fake because they probably are wondering what happened to my eating disorder.. She must have been faking it, I assume they say.
Who cares, though? Why should I care whether they believe that I have or had a problem? I don't understand that.
I don't understand my relationship with food in general, though.

One minute I am restricting the number of carrots I eat and the amount of hummus I put on them, the next I am scarfing down puppy chow or pecan pie. It honeslty doesn't make sense. I've asked this of a couple of my friends lately: Why would I be restrictive when it comes to being healthy, yet not so when it's the desserts and stuff?

It's actually just the opposite. This past Friday night (Christmas eve) was really bad for me. My boyfriend Connor and I had been kinda naughty earlier in the night with our snacking and overindulging of sweets, but when I was on my way home I end up eating all of the chess squares and two of the three cookies I had on a plate to take home to my family before I even finish the 10 minute drive home.
The thing is, I wasn't even hungry. Seriously. I just wanted it. Ok, so you might say that's normal..
BUT is it normal to then go and eat a super frosted cookie, THEN the rest of the haystack treats, THEN SNEAK upstairs with the rest of the praline cookies, puppy chow, and rollo candies and eat it ALL?
Is it healthy to eat all of this to the point at which you feel like you're going to puke?
No, I'd say not.

The thing is, I knew I wasn't hungry. I knew I should have stopped. I didn't want to. I think part of me wanted to punish myself for being restrictive earlier that day. So I decided that I was going to punish myself by making myself fat? I really don't understand it, but for some reason my emotions are just tied with food. It's like as soon as I think I am defeating anorexia, binging happens. *Btw, this has been happening 2-3 times a week for the past month and half I'd say (not quite this extreme, but still..)* Binging, really?
The funny thing is, I even tried to puke it up. Since when am I bulimic? Since when have I stepped backwards? I've been doing so well. :(
I think part of my logic in stuffing my face was that it would be OK for me to do so because soon I would just be able to get it out. Fortunately or unfortunately, (I don't know which) I have never been one to have success at making myself throw up. So it all just stayed in there.

I had a workout the next morning and I felt HORRIBLE. I wanted to puke the whole time, my stomach was so full. Not only that, but Connor ran with me, and I randomly just stopped in the middle of our warmup and starting crying on his shoulder about how I hated myself for what I did the night before.
Poor guy.
He must have been so confused and upset. Here he is, on Christmas morning of all days, holding his crying psycho girlfriend in the middle the road when he probably woke up this morning thinking he would just be going for a nice run and maybe opening some presents. 
Why do I have to complicate things so much?
Why are eating disorders so selfish? I hate that.

I feel like I look so unhealthy..
Why can't I see this illness in a mirror
rather than just pictures?
Pictures like these motivate me
 to continue recovering
Anyway, I have not binged since that night. I'm proud of myself for that. At the same time, though, I have been much more restrictive throughout the morning and mid-day these past few days. I look in the mirror, and I see this fat nobody. I know I'm not fat. I talk myself into the truth more often than I convince myself that I am overweight. Yet it scares me to see all this change in my body, my face, my stomach, my thighs. What are people going to say now?
What are my teammates going to think when they see me?
Geez, someone didn't know when to say no to that sweet potato pie..
I hate the way this happened so fast. I know that I need to completely let go of my eating disorder, and I really feel that I have in so many ways. However, it still scares me that I don't have it to cling to anymore.
I used to know that no matter what was going on, I had control over the amount of calories going in me.
Stupid, right? But I don't even have that illusion to hold onto now. It's scary because I only have me.
I have myself and the consequences I must live with for my actions and the actions of others. I have to deal with issues in ways other than restricting or binging on food.
AKA- I have to grow up. I have to learn to love myself no matter what. That's a big one for me.

The past couple days I have been back and forth with myself on eating because part of me REALLY wants to lose weight before I head back to school. I want to be seen and feel as fit as I can be! Maybe fit is what I am now. That's what Connor keeps telling me, but my ED is saying that I was looking and running my best 10 pounds ago.
The other part of me wants to shoot the ED part, and tell it to back the f*** up. I HATE YOU. Leave me alone. I'm so much happier without you. I don't care that I could always count on you. That's like always being able to count on my mom relapsing when I was younger. Yea, it's a for sure thing, but is it positive? Is it something to look forward to waiting around the corner for? Don't think so.

This post was very much me just venting and blabbering on about the same old, same old. I know it's not very coherent. All the same, though, I am so glad to have gotten this off my chest. It's good for me to admit that I have a problem and that I need to focus all of my attention on fixing it.
I love my life now. I definitely didn't feel that way when i was at the worst of my eating disorder.
I want to keep laughing, loving, living.
I want to beat ED.

P.S. New Year's Resolution: Post a blog every day. Yup. A lot of Haley! Hopefully you won't tire of me. If you even read half of this, I commend you, ha. 
Goodnight blog, I love your therapeutic remedies.

This is real happiness.


  1. I know I'm a newish reader, but I can understand where you're coming from. So many of these issues are things that I've dealt with.

    I sometimes feel like people won't believe that I'm anorexic if I do eat. But recovery is one of those things that is mostly a personal battle. We might know that just taking a bite of a food or eating breakfast is HUGE, but other people might not understand. That's okay. What matters is that you know.

    And letting go of your eating disorder completely is so important, but really hard! You're right, it is scary without the ED to cope. That's why I have that quote "do one thing every day that scares you" on my blog. need that motivation.

    So, wow, I'm really sorry to have written so much. You are so much happier without ED. Trust Connor. I love the picture - you guys are so cute!

    Again, sorry for the long comment. Have an awesome new year!


  2. Hum, very intense post. I could feel your struggle through the screen. I can only encourage you to keep fighting, to work on letting go of ED... It's just going to have one of those things that are constant battles (just like any addiction). Even when you master it, you still have to be aware of it. I wish you all the best. Eating disorders are NOT fun, that's why I try to run away from it if I see myself displaying anything close to it.

    Stay strong.

  3. I applaud your honesty. And want you to know that it's a great step to be able to see the sickness in the picture at all... it took a long time for me to be able to see a difference. It took almost a year and sitting down with a picture of the present versus the past. Your boyfriend sounds like such a great guy. I'm glad you have such a supportive friend. :)


  4. Hey, I just clicked over to your blog and saw this post. The same thing happened to me over Christmas break. I was around to many sweets and went a little crazy on them. I felt digust and guilt afterwards.

    Like Elle said, EDs are addictions. We have to battle it daily to overcome. Although that sounds dispairing, it is do-able if you take it in baby steps and think about it on a day to day basis rather than the long term.

    Applaud yourself for the things you did "right" today, and focus on those instead of the "awful" failures that happened

    have a great semester at school! -pk @

  5. I've been body and mind got sick of being underweight, and I battled with horrible binges for about a year. They are the worst feeling, both during and after.

    I also relate to your sentiment about feeling fine when I looked in the mirror, but was shocked when I looked at photos.

    If you ever want to talk in private, I'm happy