Saturday, December 11, 2010

Good to be home!

Ok so I got home from college last night, and I am loving it so far! I got to see a few of my friends, and it's just great to see the lights and decorations put up for the Christmas holidays.
However, being home slightly scares me. Over Thanksgiving I was extremely lax about food. I didn't worry about calories or how something was made. It was awesome. Yet I did binge at times. I wouldn't be hungry, but I'd eat anyway.
Then yesterday I did the opposite. I came home, and since I was so restrictive at the beginning of the day I only ended up with around 1800 calories, 700-800 less than I'm supposed to be eating to maintain my weight. That may seem like a lot, but it's not considering how many I am burning with my running/existing at the moment, ha. And I could tell that I didn't have much in my system even on my run this morning. Another reason that I sorta gave in to my ED yesterday is probably because Thursday night (two nights ago, the night before I left for home) I binged AGAIN. I had been so proud of myself for this week, too. And then yesterday I ran from my apartment and finished the whole perimeter of South Farm to make up for this lapse, a total of 67 minutes of pretty fast paced running, when my schedule only said to do 42-45 minutes at a relaxed pace. It was more like a tempo. So I felt a bit weak this morning on my actual 8 mile tempo that was posted on my winter training schedule..

Anyway, at the end of the day, I don't know why I binge or why I restrict. It seems really hard for me to find a balance, and I hate that. I just want to be normal.
Also, I don't know why I continue to give in to ED on some days. Overall, yes, I have gotten so much better. Yet that voice still haunts me from time to time. Haley, you're gonna get fat. You're going to get slow. You're going to be ugly, and you won't have any control over your life.
Really? Really? Am I psycho? Obviously these things are not going to happen. Why I listen to it on these rare ocassions is beyond me. Maybe because I miss having that stability to hold onto. No matter what I knew that I could control something with the amount of food that went into my mouth.

When I look back on these bad days, I notice that I'm not near as happy as my normal days. I'm more irritable, tired, and I just feel different. I am not necessarily hungry, but I can tell that my body wishes I would give it something of more substance than just a 6 inch sub and a small salad for dinner. It needs carbs. Ughh.. Defeating ED is much harder than I thought it would be.

When all is said and done, though, I'm going to look back at this and be like, yea! I kicked my eating disorder's ass! I can't wait for that day. I still feel like I'm kicking butt some days, but if I'm not constantly focusing on telling that devil voice to shut up, then I find myself right back where I started.

Good news: Today is a new day. It's going to be a GOOD day. And I only have to maintain weight now! *My nutritionist told me Thursday that since I've reached my goal weight and stayed there a couple weeks, I only have to maintain this weight now* Yayy me! Let's keep it up.

If you've read all this, wow. Good job. It doesn't seem like it would be too interesting with all of my ramblings. I hope you got something out of it.
Always with love,

1 comment:

  1. Haley,

    It was definitely interesting and I definitely got something out of it!!! I can relate to so much of what you're saying.

    "I still feel like I'm kicking butt some days, but if I'm not constantly focusing on telling that devil voice to shut up, then I find myself right back where I started."

    I can absolutely relate to this. Remember that you're not alone in this and it doesn't mean you aren't making incredible strides! If there's anything I've learned about recovery thus far, it is that it's not linear. We all have our good days and bad days, it's just important to keep picking ourselves back up when we slip. And you sound very determined and like you have a good treatment team, so that is going to help a lot when that ED voice gets loud and obnoxious.

    You have a great perspective- today IS a new day, and someday you WILL look back on this and be proud that you kicked your eating disorder's ass! You go girl, congrats on only having to maintain now! That's an awesome accomplishment!

    Keep fighting ED and know that you're alone in the fight!