Thursday, December 2, 2010

Blog Therapy

Hello world!
      So Conrad started one of these bad boys not too long ago, and I got inspired to make my own. I've had a blog in the past, but I rarely wrote on it. I deleted it this morning, I guess because it was no longer being used along with it's bringing up of some bad memories.. Anyway, I'm going to begin today's post with practice this morning! 90 minutes of sub 7 minute paced running. Gotta love it. The other girls started complaining about 30 minutes in that we were going too fast, especially since when the guys were passing us, they pretty much kept the same distance afterwards. I, however, felt amazing. I want to sweat on these days; I want to hurt. I want to get out all of my frustrations and whatever else has been on my mind that week in this toxic-cleansing experience I call a long run every week. 
      So we dropped Katie and Kalli, then Anna, Lo, Eileen, and I ran the next 40 minutes together until Eileen and Lo had to stop at Barnes & Noble to use the restroom. Anna and I then went downtown, and it was really nice. We used to be best friends, but this past year our relationship has been the exact opposite of that. Feeling as if she hated me this whole semester, I've often been frustrated and confused as to why there is this tension between the two of us. However, the last couple weeks she's been so much nicer towards me. I mentioned that yesterday on the run when it was just her and I at the end and asked if it had anything to do with her just breaking up with her boyfriend. She said not really, just that it has become easier to be around me. Part of me wants to take that offensively because I honestly don't see how it was so hard to be around me before, yet I also know that this is a good thing. It means I'm getting better.
      I'm conquering this stupid disease that I've been dealing with for the past 8 months. Anorexia. I no longer dream about food. I no longer freak out if I don't know how something is made or with what ingredients. And if I DO know that it's made with tons of butter and sugar.. sure! Why not? You only live once. I burn a bajillion calories a day, and sometimes I eat this stuff just to prove the anorexic part of my brain wrong. No, you will not get fat and run a 24 minute 5k if you eat this piece of pie. I love that other people are also seeing this change in me. I'm loving life so much more than I have in a long time, and it feels great. 
     Along with that, I'm seeing a therapist. I actually have an appointment with Dr. Tatum today. She wants me to make a timeline of my life so that we can see where my disordered eating really started and why. Also, it's a control thing for me. My perfectionist personality makes it easy to drop into the pitfalls of calorie counting and restriction. So I guess we'll try to fix those things? I don't really know. But she said we can't expect things to happen overnight. Therapy is a long process, just like recovery (something I am aware of). I think part of the reason I have yet to make this timeline is because I'm scared of talking about some of the things I've experienced. It makes them true. Sometimes I just push these memories into the back of my mind and try to forget that it ever happened. I put on a smile, and everyone sees the Happy go lucky Haley. It's not like I'm putting on an act. I really do NOT consider myself fake by any means. It's just that I'd rather look at the good in life. If I constantly worried over everything I've been through I would have killed myself by now. Maybe not, maybe so.. Either way, I would not be the same person I am today. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or act strangely towards me, either. All of these reasons plus the fact that the memories are painful are what keep them from coming up very often.
     Wow this blog post is very long! I was only going to start the blog with the simple, "Hi. I'm Haley. This is my first blog," kinda thing. But I guess I had a lot to say. I feel like I got many things off my chest. Always a good thing. Anyway, it's good that I'm realizing the length of this post now because I need to stop to eat lunch anyway. And then start the timeline. Yes, I think I'm going to do it. I know it will help Dr. Tatum understand, therefore helping her help ME. Also, I have some British lit and Trig butt that I need to kick! Until tomorrow,

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