I'm ranked 8th out of the 48 girls that are racing tonight. But that doesn't really mean anything. The top 12 will go on to the final round of nationals where we'll meet the top 12 from the East. I sooooo want to be one of those 24 girls racing at the final round of Nationals in Iowa on June 9th!
Am I fit enough?
Do I have what it takes? Am I tough enough? I know that these girls are also in phenomenal shape. This is not going to be an easy race. And last race I thought way too much about the pain. Am I going to give in?
My perspective drastically changed overnight. I now feel confident and ready. So, you may be asking what changed my thinking..?
Tuesday I was just hanging around at the hotel here, facebook stalking (shocker), and one of my facebook friends, let's call her B, had a status of a bible verse. Matthew 6:25- "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?"
Now, I don't really know this girl, but I had heard from my best friend and a few other people that she has dealt/is dealing with an eating disorder. I commented saying, "I really like this verse :)"
Next thing I know, I'm getting a facebook message from B asking if I wouldn't mind talking to her about ED cuz she heard from my best friend that I have dealt/am dealing with recovery. Of course I am overjoyed. I love talking to others about ED, especially when I feel that I can help make a difference in their lives somehow.
So we exchanged numbers and tried to get in touch that night, but it didn't work out cuz we were both busy.
The next night (last night) we finally got the opportunity to skype!
Quite frankly, I was surprised to hear her story. Eating disorder since 13. Wow. I can't even imagine.
I used to envision this girl as perfect. B was the one that sang at the school pep rally. She was on the cheer and dance team. She has money. She is also drop dead gorgeous, guys. Seriously. To think that she thinks she is too fat, ugly, stupid, etc.. is totally beyond me; it's crazy!
Anyway, I'm not going to go too in-depth about our conversation. We talked for an hour and a half. The time just flew by. We discussed distorted body image, the loneliness yet sense of accomplishment ED gives you, being scared of "normal, healthy" weight ranges, etc..
B told me that my best friend told her about me in September. She felt the need to talk to me then, but she was afraid I wouldn't want to. B had it in her head that I see her as a b**** like so many others have told her they thought of her before they really got to know her.
I told her that of course I didn't think that. I just assumed that her life was close to perfect, ya know? That she had it easy.. Little did I know that she was dealing with just as much, if not more, than I was during middle school, high school, etc..
Something that really stood out in our conversation was the topic of finding out who we are beyond our eating disorders. This can be a scary thing! She asked, "But what if I'm horrible?" I responded, "B, you aren't!" From the hour and a half I spent talking with her I could see that she is beautiful (inside AND out), genuine, caring, and self-aware. Hiding behind her ED is only masking all of these wonderful qualities.
I told her about my blog, and she has read a few posts. I used all of my readers and the blogs that I read as examples of post-recovery happiness. I told her that everyone that I have met (whether in real life or in the blogging community) that has overcome ED has come to find a love within herself like never before. The recovered woman is SO much happier than she was with ED.
I think the fact that she approached me at this time is all God's doing. Sure, I would've been able to tell B in September that food is fuel. I would've been able to say that she needs to eat more than some blueberries and a couple pieces of shrimp for dinner. But the fact that I am in such a better place now and can actually use my own experience to back up my words makes what I'm saying valid and worth so much more.
|I couldn't keep new hair pictures from you any longer ;) I LOVE it!!|
I tried to use my own experience to help B, and I felt blessed and honored that I had the opportunity to do so.
As for me, I had a doctor appointment this past Tuesday. I was weighed at 119 pounds. 4 pounds more than my last visit in late February!
At first it was like, ahh! See what bingeing/not restricting has done! You're out of control.
But instead of listening to this stupid devil ED voice, I decided to take pride in this weight gain. Why shouldn't I be happy with weight gain the way I used to be with weight loss? I worked just as hard, if not harder, to gain the weight than I did to lose it!
|Another hair shot ;) This is a random pic I sent to Connor to exhibit my super fast drinking skills. I made this drink mix in my Vitamin Zero bottle literally less than 60 seconds before the photo was taken. Ha, I have a problem ;)|
|Creepy/excited face for the 10k tonight!!|
I'm so ready for those long, grueling 25 laps because I know that by the end it will be worth it, just like recovery from ED. I can't wait.
|True happiness :)|
P.s. Sorry that I have not blogged or commented lately. I was out of town last weekend, and earlier this week didn't have internet cuz it was out at my apartment :/.
Make sure to keep B in your prayers. And maybe leave her a little inspiration in a comment about how great life is post-ED :) I'm sure she'll be reading.