Thursday, May 19, 2011

It's okay to be happy with yourself. :)

Oftentimes I find it hard to feel pride in my accomplishments. I fear that others will look at me as haughty or egotistical. And so I go to the whole other extreme; I set extremely high standards for myself, and if I don't meet this standards I am a failure.
This is definitely not healthy, and it often leads to things like restricting or bingeing.
Like I said in my last post, I usually have two sides of me arguing over whether I am worthy, good enough, fast enough, etc.. Considering that I am pretty good at debating, I find it difficult to stick with one side and listen to it. I often go back and forth.
But I'm honestly so tired of holding myself up to these super high, unrealistic expectations. It's exhausting. When I don't meet them I honestly feel like s***, and it doesn't allow for me to find any sort of contentment or happiness within myself.
This isn't real cuteness, (not on the right anyway), but this is REAL happiness. :)
For example, I got seventh place in the 5k at the SEC Championships. No, I didn't set a new personal record. No, I didn't score as many points for the team as I was hoping. Yes, a freshman beat me.
But hey, I ran a 10k as hard as my legs would allow less than 48 hours before this race. My legs were tired. I gave it all I had, and that's all I can do.
I had a therapist appointment with Dr. Tatem this afternoon. I told her how I cried after the 5k, and she says that she noticed that I almost looked guilty for admitting that. And it's true. I did feel guilty. I'm not supposed to cry. "And just why not?" she asks.
"I was taught from a young age that I just shouldn't cry.. It shows weakness and selfishness. Plus I didn't have the right to cry. There were many people on my team that didn't even get the chance to race in the finals of their event."
She proceeds to tell me that once again I am worried about what others are thinking.. I need to stop worrying about others and try to focus on my own needs. Did I need to cry at that moment? Maybe I was being a bit of a baby, yea, but if I wanted to cry I should allow myself to cry.
I don't know if that came across the way that I wanted it to, but the point is that I need to allow myself to experience emotions, even if I think I'm undeserving of them.

This includes pride.
I have come so far in my recovery from anorexia. I have come so far in discovering who I am and who I want to be, who I am becoming!
Whoever got the idea in our heads that we are unworthy of food, love, friendship, family, etc.. should be shot. Because we are SO worthy of all of these things and more.
I know my last post touched on this, as well, but full recovery doesn't happen until you accept yourself. I am finally learning to be happy with myself, all of myself.
I am a perfectionist.
I am stubborn.
I am diligent.
These things can be seen as both positive and negative attributes. But for now I am only going to focus on the positive.

I love the Haley that I am now and am becoming so much more than what I used to be with ED.
I am outgoing. I am loquacious (love that word :)). I am weird.
But I'm no longer someone who writes calorie counts for the day on my tip money.. I have better things to do.

My coach had a successful surgery today. *Thank you to all who prayed for him*. Things like this force you to realize how trivial little worries like food and what place/time you ran at the last meet are in the grand scheme of things.

I feel like I'm a new person. And I know it sounds silly, but that's why this haircut tomorrow means so much to me. *I posted a picture on my previous post for all that haven't seen it yet.* I just want to start over. I want to savor life and everything is has to offer.

For now I'm going out to dinner at a Greek place with my friends/teammates Renee & Morgan.
Pita chips & hummus, watch out. You may not be the healthiest thing, but I don't care one bit. I'm hungry, and you're one of my fave food combos. :)

<3 Haley


  1. yay hurry and get here, i am starving! haha.

  2. I love Greek food! Moussaka is the best, if they have that at the restaurant you should definitely get it! The rice is good too along with spankopeta and Greek salads are always a safe bet :). Hope you enjoy your evening with friends!

    Sorry to hear about your 5K, but you still did an awesome job. I'm glad your coach came through his surgery well, and yeah, things like that really do open your eyes as to what really matters- and it's not things like race times or weights or calories... good luck with everything!


  3. Haley!
    I haven't been able to comment as often as I would like but I am reading. I know that you've been having a tough time acknowledging and experiencing your emotions. It's so hard because I've been in the same situation. I'm a perfectionist as well, and the cycle of high expectations is one of high pressure and guarenteed dissapointment. But you are fighting this and I'm so proud of you!
    I'm glad that your coach is okay.
    Stay strong girl<3

  4. I completely agree/relate with what you said about "setting extremely high standards for yourself, and if you don't meet the standards you are a failure. This is definitely not healthy, and it often leads to things like restricting or bingeing." I always wake up at 530 to go w/o, and If I sleep through my alarm, or don't get up, then sometimes I feel guily and restrict. It was so good to hear that your coach was okay. It really does make me look at things in a completely different way. Any time I stress out about a race or workout, I think about the people who can't run. People who are ill, disabled, etc. We should be thankful that god LETS us run and workout because a lot of people out there would do anything for that opportunity. Every time I stress out about food or calories, I think about those who don't even have I'am stressing out about what/how much to have for dinner, and there's people out there who don't even get dinner. Good luck with you haircut! Im sure it will look great, and enjoy those chips and hummus any day you want! I bought some of the tomato basil hummus today!

  5. I love how much happier you are with yourself now, and how you're learning to embrace everything that comes you way! SO awesome Hales! God is seriously doing great things in your life, and I'm SO happy your coach's surgery went well! :D

    Here, I'll add some things to your 'I am' list:

    Haley is amazing in every way.
    Haley is beautiful inside and out.
    Haley is loved by everyone who knows her, cos she is the sweetest friend ever:)

    P.S. Save me some pita chips+hummus please? Definitely oone of the the best food combos EVER!

    <3 <3 <3

  6. I completely agree/relate with what you said about "setting extremely high standards for yourself, and if you don't meet the standards you are a failure. This is definitely not healthy, and it often leads to things like restricting or bingeing."

    Really. That's pretty much a daily routine for me. But I'm praying through it.

  7. Amen to the title of this post, btw :)

    Glad I could encourage a little bit today.

  8. Check my post. My therapist gave me a really great idea about using index cards as a way to alter the way we think about ourselves. It might help you?

    You don't have to check it out if you don't want to tho! Hugs :)

  9. I love when you said we ARE worthy of food, friends, family and love. I hate always feeling unworthy of all these things when it isn't true at all! I'm also so happy that you're happy now! We all deserve happiness too :)

  10. Haley you are amazing. You have so much to be proud of -because you have come so far. I hope you keep enjoying life and living it the way you want to, because you totally deserve it!

  11. Great job, Haley!!


  12. This post made me SO happy!!!! I am so proud of you, Haley. You are a truly beautiful person on the inside and out, and I'm glad you're starting to see that! <3

  13. Hope your feeling good, beautiful.


  14. You are SO worthy of everything your heart desires :-) Can't wait to see the new hair!

  15. You are gorgeous, seriously. Definitely embrace all your wonderful qualities that you have because there are many! :D We have got to meet up in the future! HA maybe a cool down or warm up together!