This is definitely not healthy, and it often leads to things like restricting or bingeing.
Like I said in my last post, I usually have two sides of me arguing over whether I am worthy, good enough, fast enough, etc.. Considering that I am pretty good at debating, I find it difficult to stick with one side and listen to it. I often go back and forth.
But I'm honestly so tired of holding myself up to these super high, unrealistic expectations. It's exhausting. When I don't meet them I honestly feel like s***, and it doesn't allow for me to find any sort of contentment or happiness within myself.
|This isn't real cuteness, (not on the right anyway), but this is REAL happiness. :)|
But hey, I ran a 10k as hard as my legs would allow less than 48 hours before this race. My legs were tired. I gave it all I had, and that's all I can do.
I had a therapist appointment with Dr. Tatem this afternoon. I told her how I cried after the 5k, and she says that she noticed that I almost looked guilty for admitting that. And it's true. I did feel guilty. I'm not supposed to cry. "And just why not?" she asks.
"I was taught from a young age that I just shouldn't cry.. It shows weakness and selfishness. Plus I didn't have the right to cry. There were many people on my team that didn't even get the chance to race in the finals of their event."
She proceeds to tell me that once again I am worried about what others are thinking.. I need to stop worrying about others and try to focus on my own needs. Did I need to cry at that moment? Maybe I was being a bit of a baby, yea, but if I wanted to cry I should allow myself to cry.
I don't know if that came across the way that I wanted it to, but the point is that I need to allow myself to experience emotions, even if I think I'm undeserving of them.
This includes pride.
I have come so far in my recovery from anorexia. I have come so far in discovering who I am and who I want to be, who I am becoming!
Whoever got the idea in our heads that we are unworthy of food, love, friendship, family, etc.. should be shot. Because we are SO worthy of all of these things and more.
I know my last post touched on this, as well, but full recovery doesn't happen until you accept yourself. I am finally learning to be happy with myself, all of myself.
I am a perfectionist.
I am stubborn.
I am diligent.
These things can be seen as both positive and negative attributes. But for now I am only going to focus on the positive.
I love the Haley that I am now and am becoming so much more than what I used to be with ED.
I am outgoing. I am loquacious (love that word :)). I am weird.
But I'm no longer someone who writes calorie counts for the day on my tip money.. I have better things to do.
My coach had a successful surgery today. *Thank you to all who prayed for him*. Things like this force you to realize how trivial little worries like food and what place/time you ran at the last meet are in the grand scheme of things.
I feel like I'm a new person. And I know it sounds silly, but that's why this haircut tomorrow means so much to me. *I posted a picture on my previous post for all that haven't seen it yet.* I just want to start over. I want to savor life and everything is has to offer.
For now I'm going out to dinner at a Greek place with my friends/teammates Renee & Morgan.
Pita chips & hummus, watch out. You may not be the healthiest thing, but I don't care one bit. I'm hungry, and you're one of my fave food combos. :)