Olive Garden now posts calories! Eek.

Okay so Philadelphia really is awesome.
Yesterday my teammates Chloe, Renee, and Katie went on a 40 minute run downtown and then on this awesome trail. It was beautiful. 
We didn't finish the run til around 8 P.M. Philly time, so we had to hurry, shower, and eat before bed. Renee, Katie, and I walked around and found an Olive Garden. Endless salad, breadsticks, and yummy pasta? I think yes.

Stolen photo, but this is my fave dish.

Shrimp Caprese- also yummy!

Unfortunately (?) Olive Garden has just added calories to their menu. This made ordering my favorite dish SO much harder. The Gorgonzola Steak Alfredo has 1310 calories. Yep. That's ridiculous. But I remembered what someone wrote me about how she got over bingeing and it was by exercising NO restraint whatsoever when it comes to eating what you want.
So my teammate Renee and I split that dish along with the Shrimp Caprese Linguine. 900 calories. Gah!
I had lots of salad *I asked for my own with dressing on the side cuz I don't like it drenched in it.* And I had 3 breadsticks with my meal. I ate half of each pasta dish, finishing every bite. I was pretty hungry! I had only had oatmeal, yogurt, an apple, a grilled chicken salad from O'Charleys & 2 O'Charley's rolls before dinner.

If it helps, I didn't use the butter? ha. I consider them tasty enough without it.

*Omygoodness, it has been almost 2 years since I had enjoyed one of those delicious buttery bites of heaven. I was proud of myself for eating them. It's also much easier to eat stuff like unhealthy rolls when my teammates are enjoying them, too. :) I love eating out with people that have a massive appetite the way I do.*

Anyway, I didn't count calories yesterday. I haven't counted them in a while, actually. I find it liberating. But I would say that my dinner alone ended up being 2000 calories. Wow, that is a lot. But it's better to eat 2000 calories for dinner when I am hungry and need the fuel rather than eating 2000 calories standing up in my kitchen over the sink with spoonfuls of tasteless ice cream and pb being shoved down my throat.

When I got back to my hotel room my teammate Chloe was still out with her mom that came to Philly to watch her race, and so I found myself alone. I started feeling guilty over the amount of food I ate. I definitely could have stopped eating a few bites earlier, but I kind of got into that mentality of "cleaning my plate".

All of a sudden the bingeing urge came on. I felt like a failure for eating so much at the restaurant, and I guess something in me wanted to continue the mindless eating thing.
BUT I stopped myself. I was like, how will eating more help you right now? I knew I would just feel horrible afterwards last night and all day today if I binged. I don't want anything to sabotage my 5k race tonight. I have a good chance of setting a personal record and possibly breaking the school record. I went to bed still kinda feeling bad about Olive Garden but also feeling proud of myself for not bingeing.


I woke up this morning and did a 20 minute shakeout run. Afterwards I stretched and came upstairs for breakfast. Chloe, Renee, and Katie went out to get a bagel or something, but I had packed food and didn't feel like spending money, so I ate in the hotel. I had a Kroger Carbmaster yogurt + Kashi Go lean cereal. Then a 100 cal English muffin with some lowfat cream cheese. And then ANOTHER yogurt, greek this time, with some Kashi go lean. In general, I had a bunch of cereal. And a good amount of cream cheese (3 tbsp?).
Doing stuff like this (eating randomly until I feel full) scares me. I feel like my body is trying to make me fat. Why is it never satisfied? ha.

Afterwards I got online, checked facebook, checked my grades *only 1 is posted- an A in Theatre*, and read some blogs. I got hungry literally 30 minutes after breakfast, which really annoyed me btw, so I ate an apple.

It's 1:30 now, and I don't really feel hungry. Finally, satisfaction! ha. But the girls and I are supposed to meet downstairs in the lobby to go looking for something to eat in about 45 minutes.
Part of me is mad at myself for eating the apple cuz I might not be as hungry for lunch, but what the heck, who cares? That just means I will eat a little less at lunch.

Adriana, me, and Renee at Ole Miss last weekend :)

I know I have been writing a bunch about food, but honestly it is on my mind less than ever. It's just that I know that I have gained weight, and that weight gain/changing body is on my mind more than anything. I worry over this intuitive eating thing. I looked myself in the mirror before the shower and thought, "gross", but afterwards I thought I looked pretty good. I definitely look bigger, but I also look much healthier.

A picture of me in the hotel bathroom this morning :p

Another thing that has been bothering me is my coaches' perceptions of me. I know that the wife of one of my coaches sometimes reads my blog.. What if she is letting him know how out of control I am? I hope that he and the rest of them are not disappointed in me..
I'm trying to get a hold on things now by stopping this viscious cycle.

Most important of all, today is race day!!
I've gotta put all doubts aside and kick some butt for 12.5 laps. I am excited for some competition and great race conditions.

So wow this is so long. If you read it all, then wow. Apparently you find my rambling to be somewhat interesting. Sorry if you didn't!
The comments on the last couple posts have really helped! See, I've even implemented the advice you guys are sharing. And let's make today another binge-free/doubt-free day!! :)

<3 Haley