Ok so I know, I know..
It has been forever and a day since I last posted..
Partly because I've been pretty busy..
Partly because I am ashamed of my problems.
Partly because I like to think that these problems will just go away if I don't write/talk/think about them.
The main problems going on right now:
1. I am unable to register for Chems 1& 2 for summer classes at my community college back home because they have YET to receive my transcript from MS State that I sent exactly two flipping weeks ago. I have to take both of these classes this summer in order to graduate on time. *Note that I am behind because I switched majors to Nutrition (still no regrets!)*. However, both classes have filled up in the time I've been waiting for the transcript to be processed. I have probably spent at least 3-4 hours on the phone with these two institutions within the past week. No joke. MS State (regular college I attend) said that they sent the transcript April 1, but Southwest (community college) says that they have no record of ever getting it. Grr..
I'm not going to go into details, but each school wants me to get the other school to call them so that they can confirm that the transcript was sent out but probably just lost in the mail.. Hopefully it will all work out after this morning's efforts.
2. Because of the whole summer school dilemna and other things going on, I had a period of bingeing *red=evil* all last week. I binged 3 times within 48 hours. Then it stopped. Then I did it again Sunday night and again on Tuesday night. Getting old? You betchya.
On a good note, I am doing so well in terms of not restricting. I hate to brag, but the progress I have made with pushing away the ED voice is so phenomenal. It seems like it happened so fast, too. One week I was worried over the amount of carrots I was eating, and the next I am taking down pita chips and hummus *my life* like no other- out of hunger, not bingeing, btw!
It's almost like it's impossible to restrict now. For example, Monday morning part of me was thinking, 'just eat an apple for breakfast, a salad and carrots for lunch, and maybe a sweet potato for dinner.' However, it only took me a couple of moments to snap out of it and realize that if my stomach is rumbling, who am I to deny it the food and nutrients it needs? Plus I know that bingeing is often times a result of not eating enough throughout the day. I ate three full meals, two snacks, and a Cliff bar after practice on Monday. I want to defeat ED, all parts of ED- restricting, bingeing, the negative self-image, and the obsession with control over food.
Story of this week's first binge:
Sunday night I had scheduled dinner with Mom and her boyfriend at her house in Memphis. Earlier that day Dad and I had switched cars so that he could fix my door handle that was broken. He said that he'd be at Mom's to switch back by 7:30. Meanwhile at Mom's, everyone had a part in making dinner. It was supposed to be ready by 7. I wanted to be on the road to Starkville (MS State) by 8. That would put me in bed at my apartment by 10:30.
Well obviously everything did not go according to plan. My dad locked himself out of my car, and he called me yelling because it's my fault that I didn't have a spare key on me. This is around 8:10, about the time that we finally sat down for dinner. My mom is a fidgetty, controlling perfectionist (wonder where I get it? :P), and she was upset that dinner was running late, so by this time I was already upset, as well. Dad calling to tell me how irresponsible I am didn't help the situation.
Long story short, I told myself to relax and enjoy my dinner, which I did. Dad called a few minutes later saying that he got in the car through the open trunk and he'd be there soon. We start cleaning up the kitchen, and Mom mentions that she has pecan pie. At this point I am full from salmon, baby fingerling potatoes, salad, and sauteed asparagus. It was a delicious dinner. I tell Mom that I don't want any. But the time goes by. I am stressed that Dad is STILL not there. It's almost 9:30. Mom and Joe go next door to give an old neighbor the leftovers, and I decide to stay in their apartment. At that point, I knew I was going to binge.
I stuffed myself with pecan pie and ice cream, then bits of another pie she had out. I started eating a few cookies and then went for the peanut butter. For some reason I wasn't in the mood for pb that night (weird? ha) and then went back to the pie. I didn't stop until I couldn't eat any more.
I drove home at 10:00 feeling like a failure.
I tried to forgive myself, but it was just too hard. I mean, I hadn't binged in a few days. Why did I have to do it again? And why on that pecan pie? It wasn't even that good. *No insult to my mom. She brought it home from work-Perkin's Restaurant and Bakery.* At any rate, it just wasn't worth it. At all.
Two and half hours I arrive at my apartment in Starkville. What do I do? Binge. I guess cuz I was so mad at myself for earlier? I don't know..
Monday was good. I had an appointment with Kelly (nutritionist) and then with Dr. Tatum (therapist). I weighed 116.4-the most I have weighed since recovery. Kelly didn't have much advice for not bingeing other than getting more food throughout the day. My body obviously wants it..
The appointment with Dr. Tatum was much more intense than I thought it would be.. I started bawling pretty much as soon as I started talking about my weekend. I don't like crying, I really don't. ED has made me cry more than I have in my entire life. That alone is reason to give up this stupid disease.
Anyway, she told me what I already know. I have to let go. I have to forgive myself, and work on expressing my emotions in ways other than restricting or stuffing myself with 'fear' foods.
Tuesday's binge was more out of a need for food, I think. I had only had 1300 calories that day before I went for it. :/ So my goal is to work in more calorie-dense foods throughout the day so that I don't have the need for these heavy foods late at night.
Well Connor just called while I was writing this-probably a good thing cuz I could write forever & ever about everything going on right now. It made me realize that I need to wrap this thing up. P.s. I miss him.
I'm in California for a race. I got here yesterday, and I leave tomorrow morning. My race is tonight at 7 western time. I race the 10k! 25 laps around the track. Coach wants me to run around 34:30. That's fast, in case you didn't know. ;)
Man, I am nervous. But I know that I can do this. I have been training all year for the 10k. It's supposed to be MY race. I can't let my nerves or self-doubt get in the way with this one. I love running. And so why wouldn't I love a race that lasts even longer?? ;)
Wish me luck!
Oh, and eating has gone really well the past couple days. We even went to Panda Express for lunch yesterday, and I didn't freak out one bit. It was delicious/pretty unhealthy, but who cares. I eat enough veggies to make up for it. Also, no thoughts of bingeing! Woot. :) Hopefully I keep it going.
We're about to go exploring CA! We haven't done much since we've been here, so I'm excited. Probably just the mall and then some other random places before lunch at 2, but anything is better than being cooped up in this hotel any longer. P.s. Cali weather is beautiful. No humidity- something I'm definitely not used to! haha
Last thing: All of your comments mean more to me than you know. I appreciate so much the love and support I have received since starting this blog. I never knew I'd meet so many amazing people and develop some of the greatest relationships out of it, either. The comments I've received from others who are further along in recovery or post-recovery are especially helpful because they have let me know that what I'm going through is normal and just a part of the process of kicking ED's butt. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.