Thursday, April 14, 2011

Wishing I could conquer bingeing like I have restricting..

Ok so I know, I  know..
It has been forever and a day since I last posted..
Partly because I've been pretty busy..
Partly because I am ashamed of my problems.
Partly because I like to think that these problems will just go away if I don't write/talk/think about them.

The main problems going on right now:
1. I am unable to register for Chems 1& 2 for summer classes at my community college back home because they have YET to receive my transcript from MS State that I sent exactly two flipping weeks ago. I have to take both of these classes this summer in order to graduate on time. *Note that I am behind because I switched majors to Nutrition (still no regrets!)*. However, both classes have filled up in the time I've been waiting for the transcript to be processed. I have probably spent at least 3-4 hours on the phone with these two institutions within the past week. No joke. MS State (regular college I attend) said that they sent the transcript April 1, but Southwest (community college) says that they have no record of ever getting it. Grr..
I'm not going to go into details, but each school wants me to get the other school to call them so that they can confirm that the transcript was sent out but probably just lost in the mail.. Hopefully it will all work out after this morning's efforts.
2. Because of the whole summer school dilemna and other things going on, I had a period of bingeing *red=evil* all last week. I binged 3 times within 48 hours. Then it stopped. Then I did it again Sunday night and again on Tuesday night. Getting old? You betchya.

On a good note, I am doing so well in terms of not restricting. I hate to brag, but the progress I have made with pushing away the ED voice is so phenomenal. It seems like it happened so fast, too. One week I was worried over the amount of carrots I was eating, and the next I am taking down pita chips and hummus *my life* like no other- out of hunger, not bingeing, btw!
It's almost like it's impossible to restrict now. For example, Monday morning part of me was thinking, 'just eat an apple for breakfast, a salad and carrots for lunch, and maybe a sweet potato for dinner.' However, it only took me a couple of moments to snap out of it and realize that if my stomach is rumbling, who am I to deny it the food and nutrients it needs? Plus I know that bingeing is often times a result of not eating enough throughout the day. I ate three full meals, two snacks, and a Cliff bar after practice on Monday. I want to defeat ED, all parts of ED- restricting, bingeing, the negative self-image, and the obsession with control over food.

Story of this week's first binge:
Sunday night I had scheduled dinner with Mom and her boyfriend at her house in Memphis. Earlier that day Dad and I had switched cars so that he could fix my door handle that was broken. He said that he'd be at Mom's to switch back by 7:30. Meanwhile at Mom's, everyone had a part in making dinner. It was supposed to be ready by 7. I wanted to be on the road to Starkville (MS State) by 8. That would put me in bed at my apartment by 10:30.
Well obviously everything did not go according to plan. My dad locked himself out of my car, and he called me yelling because it's my fault that I didn't have a spare key on me. This is around 8:10, about the time that we finally sat down for dinner. My mom is a fidgetty, controlling perfectionist (wonder where I get it? :P), and she was upset that dinner was running late, so by this time I was already upset, as well. Dad calling to tell me how irresponsible I am didn't help the situation.
Long story short, I told myself to relax and enjoy my dinner, which I did. Dad called a few minutes later saying that he got in the car through the open trunk and he'd be there soon. We start cleaning up the kitchen, and Mom mentions that she has pecan pie. At this point I am full from salmon, baby fingerling potatoes, salad, and sauteed asparagus. It was a delicious dinner. I tell Mom that I don't want any. But the time goes by. I am stressed that Dad is STILL not there. It's almost 9:30. Mom and Joe go next door to give an old neighbor the leftovers, and I decide to stay in their apartment. At that point, I knew I was going to binge.
I stuffed myself with pecan pie and ice cream, then bits of another pie she had out. I started eating a few cookies and then went for the peanut butter. For some reason I wasn't in the mood for pb that night (weird? ha) and then went back to the pie. I didn't stop until I couldn't eat any more.
I drove home at 10:00 feeling like a failure.
I tried to forgive myself, but it was just too hard. I mean, I hadn't binged in a few days. Why did I have to do it again? And why on that pecan pie? It wasn't even that good. *No insult to my mom. She brought it home from work-Perkin's Restaurant and Bakery.* At any rate, it just wasn't worth it. At all.
Two and half hours I arrive at my apartment in Starkville. What do I do? Binge. I guess cuz I was so mad at myself for earlier? I don't know..

Monday was good. I had an appointment with Kelly (nutritionist) and then with Dr. Tatum (therapist). I weighed 116.4-the most I have weighed since recovery. Kelly didn't have much advice for not bingeing other than getting more food throughout the day. My body obviously wants it..
The appointment with Dr. Tatum was much more intense than I thought it would be.. I started bawling pretty much as soon as I started talking about my weekend. I don't like crying, I really don't. ED has made me cry more than I have in my entire life. That alone is reason to give up this stupid disease.
Anyway, she told me what I already know. I have to let go. I have to forgive myself, and work on expressing my emotions in ways other than restricting or stuffing myself with 'fear' foods.

Tuesday's binge was more out of a need for food, I think. I had only had 1300 calories that day before I went for it. :/ So my goal is to work in more calorie-dense foods throughout the day so that I don't have the need for these heavy foods late at night.

Well Connor just called while I was writing this-probably a good thing cuz I could write forever & ever about everything going on right now. It made me realize that I need to wrap this thing up. P.s. I miss him.

I'm in California for a race. I got here yesterday, and I leave tomorrow morning. My race is tonight at 7 western time. I race the 10k! 25 laps around the track. Coach wants me to run around 34:30. That's fast, in case you didn't know. ;)
Man, I am nervous. But I know that I can do this. I have been training all year for the 10k. It's supposed to be MY race. I can't let my nerves or self-doubt get in the way with this one. I love running. And so why wouldn't I love a race that lasts even longer?? ;)
Wish me luck!

Oh, and eating has gone really well the past couple days. We even went to Panda Express for lunch yesterday, and I didn't freak out one bit. It was delicious/pretty unhealthy, but who cares. I eat enough veggies to make up for it. Also, no thoughts of bingeing! Woot. :) Hopefully I keep it going.

We're about to go exploring CA! We haven't done much since we've been here, so I'm excited. Probably just the mall and then some other random places before lunch at 2, but anything is better than being cooped up in this hotel any longer. P.s. Cali weather is beautiful. No humidity- something I'm definitely not used to! haha

Last thing: All of your comments mean more to me than you know. I appreciate so much the love and support I have received since starting this blog. I never knew I'd meet so many amazing people and develop some of the greatest relationships out of it, either. The comments I've received from others who are further along in recovery or post-recovery are especially helpful because they have let me know that what I'm going through is normal and just a part of the process of kicking ED's butt. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
<3 Haley


  1. Haley,
    I know binges suck. But, again, it's all part of the process. I promise they will get less frequent-- they did for me! :):)

    Great job with conquering the ED thoughts. That is SO important! Regardless of the bingeing, you are making great strides.


  2. It is not easy to deal with binges. Do not feel ashamed to use your blog as a tool to write about both good and bad.

    And we all are here for you!!!

    Keep it up and try you best to conquer evil ED thinking.

  3. You should feel proud for not restricting, girl! That's definitely something to brag about :)

    As for the bingeing I think it's a really good idea to just eat more throughout the day so your body won't be crying out for food!

    Good luck on your race I know you'll do AMAZING! And have fun in Cali, I'm so jealous ;)

  4. Dolly, you are amazing to be able to write so honestly and it must have taken a HUGE amount of strength to do that. So please, be proud of yourself for that.
    ED wise, brag all the time.
    It is AMAZING what you are achieving.
    I am sorry about some of the other aspects of recovery and just know I am here and I am fighting with you xxxx

  5. For me, when I stopped restricting (mostly - we all have slip ups), I binged quite often. It's terrifying and horrid, but please don't be ashamed, because we have all been through it, and we understand completely. You're doing Nutrition, so I guess you already know a lot of this, but, when your body learns that you aren't about to starve it again, the binges will lessen - after a month or six, it's different for everyone. I don't remember the last time I binged anymore.. :)
    So, Good Luck! And have an amazing race (I was so stunned when I read 10k in 34:30! Incredible!!!)

  6. Good luck girl! You are much much bigger than this. I don't like to give advice because you probably get a ton of it from everyone...and its really not advice...but just stop, take a deep breath, and look how far you have come.

    Oh- and Kelly just had her baby!

  7. Keep going Haley! You are so strong and I KNOW you can beat this, and I think that you know you are too. I've struggled with binging as I've stopped restricting and it's hard to find a balence.
    But you're on your way! I am so proud of all that you've accomplished, I'm here for you always(:

  8. Glad to hear from you! : ) Even with the binges it sounds like your working really hard and making progress. That’s great! By not restricting, you are definitely showing ED who’s boss! Good luck with your race.

  9. Welcome to CA!!

    Sometimes I forget what an insanely amazing runner you are. OF COURSE you're body is still making you binge!! Don't get angry with yourself Haley. Your body is stronger than your mind, and it is still telling you that as a strong, fuel burning runner, it needs moooore!

    I understand the emotional aspect of it though. The pecan pie incident sounds more emotional than just a craving from your hungry body. When this used to happen to me, it was because I deprived myself of real sugar so much that when I tasted it, I would get HIGH and just go go go in a trance. Is that what it feels like for you?

    By gradually eating sugar in limited doses regularly (I eat tootsie pops, taffy, licorice), I stopped going nuts when sugar was presented and stopped binging. Just my story, yours may be very different.

    I want to watch you race! any chance it is northern CA?

  10. I feel for ya' Haley. My binges were so physically painful and emotionally draining. But I can't really say anything...everyone else has pretty much responded to it: your body is asking you for more food. Your body is so much more powerful than your mind, and it knows exactly what it is doing. I am happy you've decided to try to each more throughout the day. I think that will really help.
    And girl, I am SO proud of you for your weight. ED is probably giving you a ton of crap for it, but I'm sure YOU are proud of your accomplishment. One thing I tell myself is, "think of it as health, not weight." So 116.4 pounds is not a number of weight, but a score of your incredible health. Being at that weight it AMAZING. I am so happy for you, and I know your body is too.

  11. i feel ya- truly do.. the bingeing cycle is EXTREMELy difficult to get past... almost as hard as restricting and other parts of an ED! it is SO good you have resited the restricting voice- if you can do that.. you can get over the bingeing urges... its all part of the here to support you!! you can always send me an email Haley!!

  12. I know you know the vicious cycle and I just talked about it. remember that when you tell yourself you can't have something, that's when it all starts. i've realized that now! i eat whatever i want when i want it, and i don't go overboard because there's not limitation on it! it's amazing!

    stay strong beautiful!! and i hope you had fun in CALIFORNIA!!!

  13. pretty sure you crushed your goal time, that's awesome! I know you have a lot of friends, nutritionists, etc. telling you what to do, but just listen to your body. Look how well you have been running lately! Your body needs that food to fuel you doing your workouts/races. I've been in your position many times, and still struggle even today (I think many runners do), but the second before you decide to binge...stop, and ask yourself if it's worth ALL of the guilt and the next day restricting. All that does is end up in a never ending pattern. Go out for a walk around the block, or call up a friend to talk you out of it when your about to binge. Great job at Mt.Sac and it's good to hear your improving!