I had such a great therapist appointment yesterday.
I told Dr. Tatum about Monday's binge and all that I've been going through lately with self-image and dealing with my new post-ED body.
I use "post-ED" very loosely here. Obviously I am not 100% recovered. But I don't freak out about food anymore *for the most part*. It's something that goes in my mouth. It's not my life.
It was great to vent and hear her remind me once again of all the progress I have made.
She told me that I need to forgive myself for the binge and move on. Dr. Tatum always points out how unhealthy it is that I am so hard on myself. I need to be happy with all of the good qualities I do possess rather than trying to change the things about me that I'm not so crazy about.
Also, like many of you, she thinks that I look so much healthier at this weight compared to my weight at the start of recovery. Sometimes I think "healthier" = bigger, in an unhealthy, fat way. But I push these thoughts to the side and try to take these words as compliments, meaning I'm kicking ED butt and living my life for ME! I am in control by allowing myself to eat!
As for today, I woke up and went to practice. 40 minutes easy + stretching + ice bath. I have a race tomorrow at our rival school's track. I'm racing the 1500m (almost a mile for those of you that don't run). Gag. I hate short stuff. I feel like a turtle. I just don't have much leg speed. :/ Coach thinks I can do 4:35, so that's my goal.
Anyway, I came home and had a big bowl of oat bran + 1/2 banana + Lite Vanilla Silk + Strawberry Colada yogurt. Yum :)
I took a test, hung out with Connor, made pb hummus *yum*, and read some blogs.
Making the hummus was fun, and I licked the food processor/spoon/my fingers clean ;)
Afterwards, though, I'm thinking, "Oh gosh. You are going to get so big!" You see, Dr. Tatum weighed me at our appointment yesterday, and it's official. I'm 118 on the dot. Part of me cringed when I saw that number. Another part of me was okay. It IS just a number, after all.
I think the reading of food blogs was kind of a trigger for the ED thoughts. Sometimes I see what these women are eating (salad every meal it seems!), and I'm like, dang.. I had an apple, a huge sandwich, some pita chips and hummus, and whatever else..
I begin thinking that I am leading an "unhealthy" lifestyle. Then it becomes like a competition thing. I need to start eating like them so that I can be the healthiest I can be!
So I'm thinking I'm going to stop reading many of these blogs and only focus on pro-recovery ones. The couple blogs I probably will keep reading is HungryRunnerGirl and SweetToothRunner. These ladies exercise their butts off, but they also eat whatever they want! And it's generally healthy! I love seeing that we're allowed to eat peanut butter out of the jar every once in a while. I'm allowed to go to the movies and grab a couple handfuls of Connor's popcorn. Live a little, geez!
As for tonight, the team is going out to dinner. We are going to the favorite restaurant of Conrad and I - Old Venice. It's a super yummy Italian place that has the best pasta & bread to dip in olive oil ever.
I'm nervous about going, but oh boy, Conrad's here.. Gotta go!
Wish me luck :/ I know I need carbs for tomorrow's race. Of course I could get healthier carbs if I made my own pasta, but who cares? Like I said, I need to live a little. :P
I hope you all have a great weekend!
And thanks ssoosoososoosoososo much for the comments on my last post. You're all so sweet.