Friday, April 22, 2011

ED is screaming.

I had such a great therapist appointment yesterday.
I told Dr. Tatum about Monday's binge and all that I've been going through lately with self-image and dealing with my new post-ED body.
I use "post-ED" very loosely here. Obviously I am not 100% recovered. But I don't freak out about food anymore *for the most part*. It's something that goes in my mouth. It's not my life.
It was great to vent and hear her remind me once again of all the progress I have made.
She told me that I need to forgive myself for the binge and move on. Dr. Tatum always points out how unhealthy it is that I am so hard on myself. I need to be happy with all of the good qualities I do possess rather than trying to change the things about me that I'm not so crazy about.
Also, like many of you, she thinks that I look so much healthier at this weight compared to my weight at the start of recovery. Sometimes I think "healthier" = bigger, in an unhealthy, fat way. But I push these thoughts to the side and try to take these words as compliments, meaning I'm kicking ED butt and living my life for ME! I am in control by allowing myself to eat! 

As for today, I woke up and went to practice. 40 minutes easy + stretching + ice bath. I have a race tomorrow at our rival school's track. I'm racing the 1500m (almost a mile for those of you that don't run). Gag. I hate short stuff. I feel like a turtle. I just don't have much leg speed. :/ Coach thinks I can do 4:35, so that's my goal.
Anyway, I came home and had a big bowl of oat bran + 1/2 banana + Lite Vanilla Silk + Strawberry Colada yogurt. Yum :)
I took a test, hung out with Connor, made pb hummus *yum*, and read some blogs.
Making the hummus was fun, and I licked the food processor/spoon/my fingers clean ;)

Afterwards, though, I'm thinking, "Oh gosh. You are going to get so big!" You see, Dr. Tatum weighed me at our appointment yesterday, and it's official. I'm 118 on the dot. Part of me cringed when I saw that number. Another part of me was okay. It IS just a number, after all.
I think the reading of food blogs was kind of a trigger for the ED thoughts. Sometimes I see what these women are eating (salad every meal it seems!), and I'm like, dang.. I had an apple, a huge sandwich, some pita chips and hummus, and whatever else..
I begin thinking that I am leading an "unhealthy" lifestyle. Then it becomes like a competition thing. I need to start eating like them so that I can be the healthiest I can be!
So I'm thinking I'm going to stop reading many of these blogs and only focus on pro-recovery ones. The couple blogs I probably will keep reading is HungryRunnerGirl and SweetToothRunner. These ladies exercise their butts off, but they also eat whatever they want! And it's generally healthy! I love seeing that we're allowed to eat peanut butter out of the jar every once in a while. I'm allowed to go to the movies and grab a couple handfuls of Connor's popcorn. Live a little, geez!

As for tonight, the team is going out to dinner. We are going to the favorite restaurant of Conrad and I - Old Venice. It's a super yummy Italian place that has the best pasta & bread to dip in olive oil ever.
I'm nervous about going, but oh boy, Conrad's here.. Gotta go!
Wish me luck :/ I know I need carbs for tomorrow's race. Of course I could get healthier carbs if I made my own pasta, but who cares? Like I said, I need to live a little. :P

I hope you all have a great weekend!
And thanks ssoosoososoosoososo much for the comments on my last post. You're all so sweet.


  1. Hang in there. You can do this. I'm glad you spoke with Dr. Tatum :)


  2. Hey, I've added you to my Google reader, so I won't be missing anymore posts :)

    And speaking of that, a couple months ago I also deleted a lot of blogs from my Google reader. Blogs that made me feel bad for eating what I eat. I mean the lunch you described sounds really healthy when just saying it alone, but putting it beside a's going to sound like a lot! You know what I mean? It's really helped me out by not having those blogs that seem like they eat rabbit food 24/7!

  3. I totally agree with you on the food blogs! I hate seeing that all they had for dinner was pretty much a big bowl of steamed veggies with maybe a little hummus. Then my dinner seems huge in comparison, even though it wasn't. I think it's a really good idea to steer clear of those kinds of blogs because even though they aren't trying to be negative they kinda are.

    Good luck with your race! I'm sorry it's not your favorite though. I'm not much of a runner but I'm the same way that I can't do sprints or anything short and fast.

  4. Thanks for the shout out in the last post! I am so proud of how much progress you have made! You are an inspiration to me! We seriously need to hang out some time next week! Good luck today! I wish I could be there to cheer you on. You are gonna rock this race! I love you and I'm praying for you daily!

  5. Aww thanks for the shout-out girl!! You are amazing and you are totally KICKING THAT ED'S BUTT! And GOOD LUCK with that race!! You will ROCK IT and I can't wait to read all about it!!

    I remember how hard it was seeing the number on the scale go up and being both proud and secretly upset about it, but it will make you happier to be fully recovered and a better runner, I promise:) And I don't read any blogs any more that I know have a negative effect on me. I know I can't fuel myself properly on a small bowl of lettuce! :P

    And YES girl!! Let's LIVE and not let negative thoughts rule our lives, k? Love you friend!! :)

  6. I can relate to being triggered when reading other bloggers foodie posts. I tend to compare it with my food and think I'm eating so much. But honestly I'm pretty sure most of them eat stuff on the side, and even if they don't, I'm gonna keep doing what's best for my body - regardless.

    I hope you enjoy your restaurant experience and don't let ED spoil ANY of that for you.

    Take care!

  7. I don't follow "food" blogs. I feel bad for saying this, but when one of my dear followers (I read their posts too!) post about food and show pictures; I tend to not read that post, and wait for the next post. But it is taking care of me, and I know I am really not ready to be reading that kind of stuff.

    I had to get rid of some blogs that I later learned were somewhat Pro-Ana and those people were not fully recovered (not like you and rest of the followers, but more like still on sickly path and trying to stay that way).

    I think you are beautiful and an inspiration!!!

    Keep it in your mind that you will have some hard days in your don't beat yourself up!!


  8. Great that you spoke to the doctor. I totally understand what you mean about reading what other people eat. Freaks me out. Hummus is SOOOOOOOOO yummy! Sorry I've been quiet on your blog recently, I've been reading though!!