Dealing with Weight Gain

I've read many other bloggers' posts about dealing with weight gain and my comments to them have always been something like, "Girly, do not worry about the number on the scale! You know that your body needs the extra food, and your weight will just balance itself out as long as you eat relatively healthy when you are hungry. Don't compare yourself now to your anorexic body. You were at an unhealthy weight then. I know that it's hard, but you can't give in to restriction. That will just undermine all of the progress you have made thus far."

So I just read what I typed, applying it to myself. Wow. How can the same girl that says & knows these things so well have such a hard time following her own advice?

All in all, though, I am doing SO well. Yes, I have gained weight. Yes, I weigh more than I ever have in recovery. And it's uncomfortable; it is hard. It's hard because I don't know whether this is the weight I'm supposed to be or if it is too much or still too little. My BMI is around 19, maybe a little less. I know that BMI is just a dumb number, and it's not really applicable for athletes, anyway. However, it is good to know that I'm not in the 'unhealthy' weight range anymore.

After the home cross country meet in September. Eew.

Being a Division 1, SEC athlete, I constantly hear about finding your "race weight" and maintaining that weight throughout the season. I have no idea what mine is. In cross country my lowest weight was 107. I honestly looked sickly at that point in time, and I know that was not a healthy weight for me. Now I weigh around 118. I'm not trying to sound conceited with this next statement, but I have raced pretty well the whole year, throughout the 107-118 range, therefore making it hard for me to pinpoint my exact "race weight". Idk, I guess I am in better shape now than I was in cross country, (at least that is what Coach says). To be completely honest with myself, I know that with the weight gain comes added strength and stamina. It's just that I don't know when the weight gain should stop.

Still a little too skinny..

I binged on Monday night. It was horrible. I cannot even begin to describe the feelings of self-loathing and shame I felt that evening. Afterwards my good friend Maria called because I texted her about it. Throughout my sobbing, she told me what I knew- God is there for me no matter what. I cannot focus on the past. What's done is done. The most important quote I took away from our conversation: "No future without forgiveness".
Also, my friend on the team Loren responded to my text on Monday night. Again, she is another wonderful friend who inspires me to further develop my relationship with Christ. She has struggled with bingeing in the past, and she seems to be doing so great right now. She has incorporated more food into the beginning of her day so that her body doesn't crave it at night, and it seems to be working for her. Hmm, coincidence Haley? :P I need to work harder on that..
But she reassured me that one slip up is okay. It is to be expected. Each day is a new day. I have to remember that restricting will only lead to bingeing which leads to restricting. And we all know that cycle blows hardcore.
P.S. Loren's grandfather recently passed away. His funeral is tomorrow. Prayers for her and her family would be greatly appreciated.

Yes, it was really hard to live with myself the next day.. Btw, Kelly *nutritionist* just had a baby on Thursday :) and so I won't be able to go in and see her/get weighed :( until next fall. But I talked to her on the phone yesterday, and she also had the opinion that one binge is not the end of the world. She reminded me of all the progress I have made, and she told me how proud she was of me.
It really hit home that I have made so much progress.. Yes, my road to recovery hasn't always been smooth, but hey I am working so hard. I eat my fear foods *most of them*. I go out to eat without freaking out. I overeat sometimes, too often in my opinion, but I'm still learning.
The best thing about recovery is the lack of obsession with food. I used to freak out about what I would eat after practice, what I would order at the restaurant the track team would go to this weekend, how many freaking carrots I consumed, etc..
Now I live my life without worrying about these things. Food isn't the most important thing. Yes, I love learning about food and nutrition, but I'm not scared anymore. Food isn't the enemy. It's fuel. Wow, it's great to reread that line and know that I actually believe it.
I have been eating pita chips & hummus like no other. Also protein oats have become my best friend, along with greek yogurt 'messes' :)

So finally to get back to the point of this post, the most difficult thing I'm dealing with at the moment is self-image. I never had a problem with it before, even when I gained weight. But I feel like 118 looks so much bigger than 115. Connor thinks I'm ridiculous. "What is 1, 2, 3 pounds?" he asks.
It's not necessarily the number. I can tell that my body is changing.
I don't have the abs I used to. There is now a little bit of flab there. The past few days I have been very self-conscious at practice, and I've tried my best to avoid taking off my shirt, (sometimes it's just so hot that I don't care too much). I have extra skin between my thighs, and my calves don't seem as trim as before. I also have this paranoia feeling like everyone's looking at me and thinking, "Wow, she's been getting a little too friendly with that jar of peanut butter lately, huh?" P.s. That's a stolen phrase from my childhood, courtesy of Dad.

Too big?

I'm praying that I come to terms with my body and find my 'normal/ideal' weight without too much fear and obsession over the number on the scale or the image in the mirror.

I've written much more about God in this post than usual. I have really grown in my relationship with Him these past couple weeks. And it is making recovery that much easier. I love knowing that He could care less what I eat or look like. Maria pointed out this passage to me, and I've been trying to focus on it whenever I am struggling with anorexic/bingeing thoughts or behaviors.

"Don't Worry"  by Luke 12:22-34

[Jesus] said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life and what you will eat, or about your body and what you will wear. For life is more than food and the body more than clothing. Notice the ravens: they do not sow or reap; they have neither storehouse nor barn, yet God feeds them. How much more important are you than birds! Can any of you by worrying add a moment to your lifespan? If even the smallest things are beyond your control, why are you anxious about the rest? Notice how the flowers grow. They do not toil or spin. But I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass in the field that grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?

As for you, do not see what you are to eat and what you are to drink, and do not worry anymore. All the nations of the world seek for these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these other things will be given you besides. Do not be afraid any longer, little flock, for your Father is pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your belongings and give alms. Provide money bags for yourselves that do not wear out, an inexhaustible treasure in heaven that no thief can reach nor moth destroy. For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.

I hope this passage spoke to some of you. If you're not Christian then I hope that you have some kind of higher power or at least a family member or friend to look to during hard times. Also, know that I am always here for any of you if you ever want to talk. You all have been sososo encouraging and helpful to me throughout my path to becoming ED-free, and I am beyond grateful.

P.s. My race in California went even better than I had hoped! I ran my 10k in 34:04 to break the school record and qualify for first round of Nationals. I felt great. Thanks for all of the good luck wishes :)

P.p.s. I put all of my binge foods (Annie's cookies, boxes of granola, literally 14 jars of peanut butter) into a bag, and Connor is going to bring them back to his dorm tomorrow and then home when he leaves  next Friday. Don't worry, I still have a jar of peanut butter, almond butter, and coconut butter. It's just that when I go on my binges it becomes an OCD thing, too, and I have to have a spoonful of each kind. If I have two spoonfuls of my dark chocolate peanut butter, then I need to have another spoonful of the Cinnamon Raisin Swirl. It's stupid, but it's what I do.. So anyway, this will make things easier for the time being.

At any rate, I don't feel like I'll binge any time soon. I have 0 desire to do so. I feel like s*** after, and I'm tired of that. I want to fuel my body when it wants it, not at 11:00 at night when I'm feeling depressed/lonely/whatever it is that makes me binge.

Ok, so I'm done rambling now. Thank you for reading this long, redundant post if you did so. I hope you all have a wonderful week! I'm going to leave you with a question! You can reply in comments if you wish :)

Have you ever had to deal with weight gain, whether it was necessary or not?

If so, how did you determine what the right weight/size was for you?

And how did you come to terms with your new non-ED body?

<3 Haley