So I just read what I typed, applying it to myself. Wow. How can the same girl that says & knows these things so well have such a hard time following her own advice?
All in all, though, I am doing SO well. Yes, I have gained weight. Yes, I weigh more than I ever have in recovery. And it's uncomfortable; it is hard. It's hard because I don't know whether this is the weight I'm supposed to be or if it is too much or still too little. My BMI is around 19, maybe a little less. I know that BMI is just a dumb number, and it's not really applicable for athletes, anyway. However, it is good to know that I'm not in the 'unhealthy' weight range anymore.
|After the home cross country meet in September. Eew.|
|Still a little too skinny..|
Also, my friend on the team Loren responded to my text on Monday night. Again, she is another wonderful friend who inspires me to further develop my relationship with Christ. She has struggled with bingeing in the past, and she seems to be doing so great right now. She has incorporated more food into the beginning of her day so that her body doesn't crave it at night, and it seems to be working for her. Hmm, coincidence Haley? :P I need to work harder on that..
But she reassured me that one slip up is okay. It is to be expected. Each day is a new day. I have to remember that restricting will only lead to bingeing which leads to restricting. And we all know that cycle blows hardcore.
P.S. Loren's grandfather recently passed away. His funeral is tomorrow. Prayers for her and her family would be greatly appreciated.
Yes, it was really hard to live with myself the next day.. Btw, Kelly *nutritionist* just had a baby on Thursday :) and so I won't be able to go in and see her/get weighed :( until next fall. But I talked to her on the phone yesterday, and she also had the opinion that one binge is not the end of the world. She reminded me of all the progress I have made, and she told me how proud she was of me.
It really hit home that I have made so much progress.. Yes, my road to recovery hasn't always been smooth, but hey I am working so hard. I eat my fear foods *most of them*. I go out to eat without freaking out. I overeat sometimes, too often in my opinion, but I'm still learning.
The best thing about recovery is the lack of obsession with food. I used to freak out about what I would eat after practice, what I would order at the restaurant the track team would go to this weekend, how many freaking carrots I consumed, etc..
Now I live my life without worrying about these things. Food isn't the most important thing. Yes, I love learning about food and nutrition, but I'm not scared anymore. Food isn't the enemy. It's fuel. Wow, it's great to reread that line and know that I actually believe it.
I have been eating pita chips & hummus like no other. Also protein oats have become my best friend, along with greek yogurt 'messes' :)
So finally to get back to the point of this post, the most difficult thing I'm dealing with at the moment is self-image. I never had a problem with it before, even when I gained weight. But I feel like 118 looks so much bigger than 115. Connor thinks I'm ridiculous. "What is 1, 2, 3 pounds?" he asks.
It's not necessarily the number. I can tell that my body is changing.
I don't have the abs I used to. There is now a little bit of flab there. The past few days I have been very self-conscious at practice, and I've tried my best to avoid taking off my shirt, (sometimes it's just so hot that I don't care too much). I have extra skin between my thighs, and my calves don't seem as trim as before. I also have this paranoia feeling like everyone's looking at me and thinking, "Wow, she's been getting a little too friendly with that jar of peanut butter lately, huh?" P.s. That's a stolen phrase from my childhood, courtesy of Dad.
I've written much more about God in this post than usual. I have really grown in my relationship with Him these past couple weeks. And it is making recovery that much easier. I love knowing that He could care less what I eat or look like. Maria pointed out this passage to me, and I've been trying to focus on it whenever I am struggling with anorexic/bingeing thoughts or behaviors.