Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Seeking for Progress, Not Perfection

Ashley, I stole my title from your blog. Sorry, but it fits perfect here! :)

Renee took this picture as I was stretching after the race this past Saturday. I like it!
So I’m sitting in the Nashville airport waiting for my flight to Philadelphia.
The team is traveling to University of Pennsylvania for Penn Relays.
I run the 5k tomorrow night. Woo! I’m excited. I haven’t raced it since the home meet here almost a month ago. I ran a 16:40 by myself, so I’m hoping that with additional training and more competition I should be able to run around 16:20ish.. 16:33 is the MSU school record. So really 16:32 & faster = success. :)

I’m also racing the 4x1500 meter relay on Friday around 1:30. I ran a 4:37 this past weekend in Oxford (Ole Miss) with a horribly upset stomach, so I’m confident that I can run faster than that this week. Our relay team is legit. I’m the slowest leg, ha. I’m not used to being the weakest runner. :P But it’s okay; it’s not my race. I’m just excited to get out there and run my fastest/kick some butt with my teammates Chloe, Renee, and Katie.

As far as the week goes: It was very stressful. Finals week. Scratch that. Finals days. 2 days. I had two papers due and three finals to take within 26 hours. The chaos started Monday at 8 and ended Tuesday at 10. Looking back, I am pretty confident that I did well in all of my finals and on the papers, so hopefully I will end up with another 4.0!

My eating was definitely thrown off by the finals, though. Why? Because I was super stressed out and of course I binged twice this past weekend :/ I feel like it has become so much more common than before. Like someone said in one of the comments on my last post, it has become somewhat addicting. I was talking to my good friend Loren about it yesterday. She’s a teammate of mine who has also had problems with bingeing at night (and peanut butter happened to be her binge of choice too, funnily enough!). But she started seeing Kelly *my nutritionist*, and they came up with a meal plan that has her adding more calories to her daytime eating so that she may have less of an urge to eat at nighttime. It seems to be working great for her. She said that she has overeaten maybe three times since seeing Kelly, but they have not been “binges”. And hey, three episodes of overeating over a 6 week period seems like awesome progress to me!
I just typed, “I wish I could do that.” But then I erased it.. I mean, why can’t I? I can make the same progress. I am making that kind of progress. I have been eating what I want when I want, when I am hungry! I have pretty much conquered restriction. This is an awesome feet. I do need to realize how far I have come. Dr. Tatum always tells me that undermining my progress doesn’t do me any good. I should take pride in my accomplishments.

And good news- I haven’t binged in 3 days. Okay, that sounds lame. But it’s good for me. As of lately I have been on a cycle of bingeing after bingeing after bingeing. It was like I was mad at myself for bingeing so I would binge again. And then again. Blah. But hey, I am making progress. Forgiving myself, loving myself, and accepting my imperfections all make it so much easier to get on with my life and break this stupid ED cycle.

Btw, the appointment with Dr. Tatum was so very helpful. The more she gets to know me and I open up to her, the more we accomplish during these appointments. I see her again early next week, and I cannot wait to see her and tell her that I have had a whole binge-free week! *fingers crossed*

Last night I had the urge to do it but it was more out of habit than anything. I did realize that I had probably not eaten enough calories throughout the day (considering I did two 40 minute runs yesterday- I need A LOT of calories), and so I ate even more sweet potato fries with pb hummus after dinner. Before I would have considered this to be off limits. Dinner is dinner; then, you’re done. You see, I didn’t feel particularly hungry, but once I got the calories in I felt much better, physically and mentally.

Unfortunately, I’m still struggling with self-image. I’m not used to this body, and I feel like I have gained even more weight than the last time I was weighed. So I’m guessing I might even be 119. That number is ten times scarier than 118 for some reason, I guess because it is eerily close to 120. It’s weird because sometimes I look in the mirror and see a healthier, bigger, muscular body that I am proud of. Other times I see the stomach that lacks the six pack it used to bare and the new fat on my inner thighs, and it scares and upsets me. I’m trying to put my faith in God and know that he doesn’t care about numbers, weight, body types. It is helping more than anything.

I have so much else that I could say, but I don’t want to make this the longest post in history. I will just end by saying that things are going well, and I hope I can continue to fend off restriction while denying these bingeing urges by giving my body the nutrients it wants and needs. I’m also noticing that I binge when I am in certain moods: lonely, depressed, when I’m feeling unworthy or incapable of something. This is where the self-appreciation must come in. I will not binge if I am good to myself. If I’m happy in my own skin then those urges never come on.
Therefore, I must learn to accept that I will not come in first in every race, I will not always get a 100 on the paper, and my workout might not be the one I want at the time I want it to be, but life goes on. I have to learn to be flexible.

P.s. I miss Kelly. I wish I had her right now since I’m going through this hard time with balancing my food intake for the night and day. But it will be okay. I have a wonderful therapist. I also have friends and family I can count on.

But most important of all, I have the best boyfriend in the entire world. I cannot say enough about how good Connor is to me. He always supports me without any form of judgement or criticism, no matter what. Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky. I have been thanking God every day lately that I have him in my life.

I hope you all are doing well. Your comments mean so much to me. I don’t know if I have ever mentioned that I get them sent to my email through my phone, so each message is read as soon as it is sent. They really brighten my day. It’s great to be in the middle of an overwhelming day and look at my phone to see that some beautiful young woman has taken the time out of her day to show me some very much appreciated love and encouragement.

<3 Haley


  1. Well done on the race time!! And a MASSIVE well done for getting through Finals!
    Oh hunny 119 is so tiny. I wish so bad that I could be 119. If I'm going to be brutelly honest I'm 134.4lbs. So your 119 is teeny tiny small.
    Binges really do suck, I'm resisting one right now. You can make it through this week binge-free lovely!!!

  2. ha ha no worries about "stealing" my blog's title! You're more than welcome to borrow it anytime.

    I think you are really beautiful. You may not like your new body right now, but trust us; you do look beautiful and you will come to love your body as well.

    You are making a huge progression right now by not binging in 3 days. It may seem insignificant to you, but it is pretty significant!! 3 days is an amazing work for someone who is just starting out in her recovery from binging.

    Let try to take it up to 4 days...then 5...then 6. Then before you know it, a week will pass without you binging! Maybe try to establish that for your goal right now and see if it helps??

    Keep up your wonderful work. And don't beat yourself up if you do end up binging...just ask yourself why it happened and what can be done next time to prevent it from happening.

    And we all are here for you, Haley!! Hugs

  3. YES girl you are making such AWESOME PROGRESS!! Don't knock three days! I remember counting the days, and it gradually the number goes up and up and up until you can't even remember the last binge! YOU WILL GET THERE!! And you WILL kick butt in your upcoming races!! You are so amazing Haley and you're gonna do great things:)

    P.S. Those photos of you are SO GORGEOUS!!

  4. You may not be perfect, but you sound like a superstar to me! Running fast races, and making (or at least close to making?) 4.0 at school!?!? You don't give yourself enough credit at all! Plus, like you said, you have an amazing support system of people who care about and love you. Whenever you're down again, just think about all you have in life.
    I think it's great that your doing so well now though! And good luck with the upcoming races!

  5. Angel, I know I have said this before, and I am a perspective remember, a non distorted one.
    You are still TINY.
    And the fact you weigh what you do, is probably all muscle anyway.
    I think that what your friend suggested is SPOT ON.
    And I am so proud of you for doing that.
    I also think, to some extent, you need to accept allowing your body in to a higher bracket.
    Is there any way you can NOT know what you weigh?
    You are doing so well with running and school, and I think if you actually were not aware of your weight, you would do a lot better.
    Just a thought.
    Loves you xxx

  6. Hey dear! Sounds like you're doing really well. I'm so happy for you that you're not restricting. I know 3 days without binging may not seem like alot, but every day counts. Sometimes it's useful to take one day at a time!

    You are sooo beautiful, girl! You look amazing.

  7. I absolutely love that first picture of you, it's such a cool perspective and you are so gorgeous! And even though you have been struggling, you have been working so hard and you know that you have so much to be thankful for. Connor does sound like the best boyfriend ever, I'm so glad you have him in your life!

  8. congrats on the race time and on the no binging for a week!!!!!


  9. Three days of no bingeing is AMAZING. You deserve to be proud of yourself(:
    I can totally relate to having issues with self image. Before ED I was very toned from swimming and had a defined stomach. Now I've gained back more than my pre-ED weight and it's very scary. But as I try to remind myself (you should remind yourself this too!) that a lot of my body is made up of muscle. And the more healthy fuel we give our bodies the more it will help to reach peak performance!
    Keep on going! I believe in you<3

  10. I found your blog on Ashley's :). I'm gonna read along!

    Girl, you are amazing fast... seriously! That's awesome that you run at Miss. State but that is a FAST 5K! I mean like freak of nature fast, but that's awesome. You definitely have a lot to be proud of... including 3 days without binging because success is different for every person. And having a 4.0 while dealing with an ED and being a D1 athlete is really great.

    The pics look great :). You look really health and happy, especially the one with your boyfriend. I hope your meet in Philly goes well- I've been there before in college and it was so amazing...


  11. Haley i love that first picture of you - You should definitely frame it :)
    Congrats on the awesome run time - I know you will rock that 5k tomorrow night!!
    4.0, awesome run time and no bingeing for 3 days is just about perfect :) you are doing awesome - keep up the good work!!!

  12. You're doing such an amazing job of staying positive, Haley, and that is something to be so incredibly proud of! 3 days is an AMAZING achievement of not binging!!!!!!!! I really like your idea of increasing during the day so that you are less likely to binge at night. Why not, I say.

    CRIKEY GIRLIE you run FAST!!!!!!!


  13. HALEY YOU ROCK! you shouldbe so proud- acknowledge your binge free days and use that as motivation.. how great does it feel!?!..dont question urself.. u know deep down you NEED to be eating a ceratin amount for all your exercise and u know deep down that you are healthy- not in terms fo weight only but in terms of all the exercise u do to keep your bones strong and your muscles strong... there is nothing more u shud be trying to achieve.. you are doing what you can to stay happy and healthy and that is what its all about!

  14. P.S. your email was so sweet- thank you Haley!!!!!!!

  15. You are gorgeous! I remember when I was stuck in a bingeing cycle, it was every three days. Making it through four binge-free days was a huge achievement for me. I agree with what Emma said - eventually the numbers get higher and higher. All you're achievements are absolutely amazing - I still can't quite believe those race times. You definately should be incredibly proud of who you are and what you've been able to achieve. Good Luck!, and congratualtions on making it through those finals.

  16. I am so proud of how far you come! Each day is a success in itself! I have so much confidence in you, not only in your ability to defeat this and your beastly running ability, but also in your incredible potential to do great things outside of running! You seriously look incredible right now! Keep praying for God's strength and also for him to give you eyes to see yourself through His eyes. I'm praying for you daily and am always here for you! Good luck tonight! You are going to rock this 5K! Love you!

  17. So proud of you, Haley!!!! You're working so hard and making so much progress. Congratulations on 3 days binge-free!!! That is definitely something to be proud of!

    "Therefore, I must learn to accept that I will not come in first in every race, I will not always get a 100 on the paper, and my workout might not be the one I want at the time I want it to be, but life goes on. I have to learn to be flexible. "

    Those are really awesome goals. I'm working on becoming less of a perfectionist, too. You are doing so well for yourself and you deserve to give yourself more credit! I think you're right that more self-appreciationa and self-acceptance will help you stop binging.

    And the pictures are BEAUTIFUL. You truly look stunning- don't let ED tell you otherwise.


  18. Oh wow, I just have to comment again!
    I am so happy for you that you are making progress, and that you notice those "small" steps you are taking!! 3 days without having a binge is GREAT! I try to remind myself that I for sure WILL binge again! it will happen, but for today I will do ALL I can to listen and trust my body! Ill edo what I can today, and I try to give myself a new chance at every meal!

    THis morning I had to get up at 6 to get to work. I feel like 6 i way to early to eat. I was hungry tho, and should probably have had oat or something more filling. I decided smoothie was the "right" food for me . I looove smoothies, but in reality I needed something more. After my smoothie I was not saticfied, and ended up eating soo much almond butter! I felt/feel nasty! It is hard for me to be at my job and smile and pretend Im happy (I work at a gym). But I try sooo hard to just let it go! Next meal is a new chance! I just have to focus on that!

    I just LOVE love your blog! Thank you so much for sharing your story! And I hope youll have a good day <3