Seeking for Progress, Not Perfection

Ashley, I stole my title from your blog. Sorry, but it fits perfect here! :)

Renee took this picture as I was stretching after the race this past Saturday. I like it!

So I’m sitting in the Nashville airport waiting for my flight to Philadelphia.
The team is traveling to University of Pennsylvania for Penn Relays.
I run the 5k tomorrow night. Woo! I’m excited. I haven’t raced it since the home meet here almost a month ago. I ran a 16:40 by myself, so I’m hoping that with additional training and more competition I should be able to run around 16:20ish.. 16:33 is the MSU school record. So really 16:32 & faster = success. :)

I’m also racing the 4x1500 meter relay on Friday around 1:30. I ran a 4:37 this past weekend in Oxford (Ole Miss) with a horribly upset stomach, so I’m confident that I can run faster than that this week. Our relay team is legit. I’m the slowest leg, ha. I’m not used to being the weakest runner. :P But it’s okay; it’s not my race. I’m just excited to get out there and run my fastest/kick some butt with my teammates Chloe, Renee, and Katie.

As far as the week goes: It was very stressful. Finals week. Scratch that. Finals days. 2 days. I had two papers due and three finals to take within 26 hours. The chaos started Monday at 8 and ended Tuesday at 10. Looking back, I am pretty confident that I did well in all of my finals and on the papers, so hopefully I will end up with another 4.0!

My eating was definitely thrown off by the finals, though. Why? Because I was super stressed out and of course I binged twice this past weekend :/ I feel like it has become so much more common than before. Like someone said in one of the comments on my last post, it has become somewhat addicting. I was talking to my good friend Loren about it yesterday. She’s a teammate of mine who has also had problems with bingeing at night (and peanut butter happened to be her binge of choice too, funnily enough!). But she started seeing Kelly *my nutritionist*, and they came up with a meal plan that has her adding more calories to her daytime eating so that she may have less of an urge to eat at nighttime. It seems to be working great for her. She said that she has overeaten maybe three times since seeing Kelly, but they have not been “binges”. And hey, three episodes of overeating over a 6 week period seems like awesome progress to me!
I just typed, “I wish I could do that.” But then I erased it.. I mean, why can’t I? I can make the same progress. I am making that kind of progress. I have been eating what I want when I want, when I am hungry! I have pretty much conquered restriction. This is an awesome feet. I do need to realize how far I have come. Dr. Tatum always tells me that undermining my progress doesn’t do me any good. I should take pride in my accomplishments.

And good news- I haven’t binged in 3 days. Okay, that sounds lame. But it’s good for me. As of lately I have been on a cycle of bingeing after bingeing after bingeing. It was like I was mad at myself for bingeing so I would binge again. And then again. Blah. But hey, I am making progress. Forgiving myself, loving myself, and accepting my imperfections all make it so much easier to get on with my life and break this stupid ED cycle.

Btw, the appointment with Dr. Tatum was so very helpful. The more she gets to know me and I open up to her, the more we accomplish during these appointments. I see her again early next week, and I cannot wait to see her and tell her that I have had a whole binge-free week! *fingers crossed*

Last night I had the urge to do it but it was more out of habit than anything. I did realize that I had probably not eaten enough calories throughout the day (considering I did two 40 minute runs yesterday- I need A LOT of calories), and so I ate even more sweet potato fries with pb hummus after dinner. Before I would have considered this to be off limits. Dinner is dinner; then, you’re done. You see, I didn’t feel particularly hungry, but once I got the calories in I felt much better, physically and mentally.

Unfortunately, I’m still struggling with self-image. I’m not used to this body, and I feel like I have gained even more weight than the last time I was weighed. So I’m guessing I might even be 119. That number is ten times scarier than 118 for some reason, I guess because it is eerily close to 120. It’s weird because sometimes I look in the mirror and see a healthier, bigger, muscular body that I am proud of. Other times I see the stomach that lacks the six pack it used to bare and the new fat on my inner thighs, and it scares and upsets me. I’m trying to put my faith in God and know that he doesn’t care about numbers, weight, body types. It is helping more than anything.

I have so much else that I could say, but I don’t want to make this the longest post in history. I will just end by saying that things are going well, and I hope I can continue to fend off restriction while denying these bingeing urges by giving my body the nutrients it wants and needs. I’m also noticing that I binge when I am in certain moods: lonely, depressed, when I’m feeling unworthy or incapable of something. This is where the self-appreciation must come in. I will not binge if I am good to myself. If I’m happy in my own skin then those urges never come on.
Therefore, I must learn to accept that I will not come in first in every race, I will not always get a 100 on the paper, and my workout might not be the one I want at the time I want it to be, but life goes on. I have to learn to be flexible.

P.s. I miss Kelly. I wish I had her right now since I’m going through this hard time with balancing my food intake for the night and day. But it will be okay. I have a wonderful therapist. I also have friends and family I can count on.

But most important of all, I have the best boyfriend in the entire world. I cannot say enough about how good Connor is to me. He always supports me without any form of judgement or criticism, no matter what. Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky. I have been thanking God every day lately that I have him in my life.

I hope you all are doing well. Your comments mean so much to me. I don’t know if I have ever mentioned that I get them sent to my email through my phone, so each message is read as soon as it is sent. They really brighten my day. It’s great to be in the middle of an overwhelming day and look at my phone to see that some beautiful young woman has taken the time out of her day to show me some very much appreciated love and encouragement.

<3 Haley