Thursday, November 17, 2011

Letting go of ED, grabbing hold everywhere else.

Okay, so hiiiii everyone, if anyone is reading..
If not, then just hi to cyberspace..
Umm I know I have been gone for a loooong time.
Buuuut I just love blogging at random times, and I know that right now it will do me some good..

To catch everyone up, my cross country season was Craaaap with a capital C.
Why? Several reasons probably.. the most important being that I felt burnt out from running.. I didn't enjoy it anymore, and I began to associate it with my ED. I wanted so bad to leave that world (ED) of unhappiness, loneliness, selfishness, worthlessness, etc..

Not until recently did I decide to get my head out of my butt and start over with running.
I acquired a new attitude, and I was so excited to battle for the rest of the year just like I did last year. However, soon afterwards, I found that my calf was hurting so badly that I began to limp when running..

I got an MRI the week after SEC's, and the doctor read it as clear.. So many people were telling me that it was just shin splints (including the doctor).. And that has been really frustrating because it hurts so badly, not like shin splints..
So the past couple weeks have been rough.

I've been cross training, (bike, pool, elliptical, etc..) and nothing hurts other than walking and running.
Most of the time I can't even walk without a gimp..

So I obviously did not run Regionals last weekend.. and I'm glad I didn't because I don't think I would have been very much help at all, and I probably would have hurt myself even worse..
I went to see Katie (trainer) when we got back this week, and she suggested that I see another doctor.. So yesterday I went to see another doctor, and this doctor actually seemed interested in my leg! He touched it, asked me questions, and said that it sounded to him like a gastrocnemius muscle tear..
He checked the MRI that the previous doctor had read as clear, and we all could easily see the tear in my leg that the previous doctor had missed..

I left the doctor smiling this time.
Of course I am not happy to be injured, but this is great news that it is not a stress fracture, and at least now I know what it is.
The doctor says that I will be back running by December 15th, and I am MORE than happy.
I seriously did not realize how much I would miss it. Sure, a couple days off is cool sometimes, but by the time I start running again I will have been off for at least 6.5 weeks.. So I know if I am itching to run now that I definitely will be by then.

Anyway, other than that.. things have been really different..
Sometimes I am way up, and sometimes I am way down.. I am dealing with a lot of family stuff right now, and I didn't realize until recently just how much of an effect all of that has on me..

But anyway, I am finding out who I am, and I am learning to love myself.
The only thing that I hate is my hold on my eating disorder.. sometimes I still find myself having very anorexic thoughts and I'll think that maybe today I can just eat 1000 calories and work out for an hour and half and lose half a pound..
Other days I go on the other end and just want to eat everything in sight, and I think it's because I want so badly to get away from my anorexia... there's something in me that calls for food, even if I'm not hungry.. it's like a void in my life that I fill with anything and everything I can get my hands on..

So yea, there's too much to mention everything in my life in this one blog post, but I want everyone to know that even though this blog is pretty negative, I am soooo much happier now than ever, and I have made some of the best friends this year, Jodie and Mollie. *No pics of Mollie cuz she hates the camera, ha. Also, I live in a wonderful house with wonderful roommates (4 other girls, eek! ha) ;) And Connor and I now have the best puppy in the whole world. Oh, and as always, I love Connor ;)
Connor's head and my baby girl PUPPY, Riley!!
Best friend Jodie :)
I'll write more often cuz there's just TOO much to say now.
Lovelovelove everyone that reads this.
Oh, and I am really growing in my relationship with Christ. It's super awesome. Just sayin'
<3 Haley


  1. I am so glad to see you writing again. I have been worried about you. I am sorry things have been rough but I am soooooo glad that you are able to see the GOOD things in your life despite all the challenges. Rememeber to hold onto those things as tight as you can to help carry you through the hard things. You got this! Recovery is worth it! And you have come sooooooooooo far in your journey ; )

    Be gentle with yourself ;)

  2. The 'hold' that you wrote about is exactly what I am going through. I hate it. More than anything. I hope things stay in the positive direction for you:)

  3. Ah I was SOO happy to see you updated your blog :) I can relate to the feeling of wanting to let go but still kind of holding on. Recovery is tough but you're right- it's so worth it when you realize how much happier you are than before.


  4. I love your new pic and am glad you blogged, I commented the other day because I was worried. It's sometimes kinda scary when your friends online don't blog for awhile and you just hope all is okay. The hold is so hard... it's back-and-forth like a volleyball game for me. I'll eat and think about getting healthy, but then the second I get uncomfortable in my body, it's back to restricting and unhealthy habits. I think stress has a lot to do with it.

    Your puppy is super cute :).

  5. I'm glad to see you update and doing pretty well! I'm sorry about the injury but I always think those kinds of things are here to teach us some lessons. :)

  6. HALEY you look absolutely STUNNING in your blog's new header picture. I love your hair and you're glow! I'm sorry about your injury, that sounds really painful. You're amazing, keep troopin'! I believe in you!!!

  7. It's so good to hear from you again, Haylee! I have been missing your posts and hoping all is well. I am sorry to hear about your injury but glad that it isn't worse than it is. That must be so frustrating having to deal with something spontaneous like that. Caring for yourself during this injury could really be a chance for you to prove to yourself that you can practice self-care and listen to your body. In some ways maybe it could even be a healing experience between you and your body? You listen to it and don't push it farther than it is ready to be pushed. It will tell you when it is prepared to run again :).

    I can really relate to what you said here, "there's something in me that calls for food, even if I'm not hungry.. it's like a void in my life that I fill with anything and everything I can get my hands on.."
    That IS an eating disorder...hating food so much one minute that you don't even want to look at it and the next minute feeling as if it has total power over your behaviors. I am thinking of you, girl. I know the hell that this is too well. You can make it through this! It looks like you have some fabulous people in your life to support you through the way.

  8. I know I haven't commented much, but it is so great to hear from you :) I am so sorry you are injured, I know how bad that sucks :(

    Praying for you, don't let ED use this against you!

    Hope you had a relaxing weekend :)


  9. Soooo glad to hear from you!!

    And as one who's been there, done it- I don't ever stop fighting, but the ED voice in my head is no longer the loudest one.

    Chin up and hang in there x x x

  10. HALEY HALEY HALEY!! Haha too much to say, so I'm gonna do it in your style ;)

    1. Your puppy is SO CUTE!! I will steal her.
    2. Love the new header pic! You look gorgeous:)
    3. Sorry to hear about your bad XC season! (Side note: I can't believe yours is over already! Ours doesn't end till Feb!) I know you'll kick butt in track though!
    4. Injury sucks. Sending you my healing love <3
    5. I am SO HAPPY that you are happy despite the ED voice! God's voice is clearly drowning it out:) You are amazing and such a beautiful person!

    I missed YOU! Much love <3

  11. I'm so glad you're back! And I really appreciate the comment you left on my blog, it was really sweet of you :)

    I still struggle a lot with anorexic thoughts from time to time and it's really hard. But it's great to read that you're doing so much better. And I love that you are growing closer to God!

  12. Haley! sorry i havent come here for a while but i just read everything now :)
    im sorry that you've had rough time with that gastrocs injury with misdiagnosis as a step extra... it happened here too (to one of my athlete with different injury tho)

    I'm struggling here in my life. it's totally different problem from yours but quite rough days with a lot of thinking. Hang in there Haley.

    I love that you love yourself!! im happy to hear that Haley! :) :) :) I and everybody love who you really are and glad that you know it! that is very simple and very important and very precious thing you know :)

    well, when the life is beach, enjoy it to the fullest and appreciate it. when life is a bitch, slap her as hard as you can! hahaha

    Miss you and love you bunch! I will surely come to some of meets in the spring. Can't wait to see you!!!

    Megumi :)