Friday, February 18, 2011

Restrict, binge, repeat. No longer.

Ok so the last post I did was Sunday night.
Right after a binge.
Yes, I said I'm out of control & getting fat. 
Honestly? I still feel that way :/

I had a meet this past weekend at Texas A&M. We left Thursday afternoon and returned Sunday evening. It was over a ten hour bus ride, so we split the trip into two sessions each way, thank goodness. Anyway, my eating wasn't too bad over the break.. I was sorta restrictive on Thursday and a little on Friday. Friday we went to Jason's Deli for lunch. I was proud of myself for ordering the Mediterranean wrap (even though it was on their Liteline), and a cup of tomato basil soup instead of opting for the salad bar. What's wrong with the salad bar, you ask? Well, I'm still too scared to use salad dressings, cheese, croutons, or any of that stuff on my salads. Instead I like to dress them up with tons of veggies. Still delicious, but also restrictive. Anyway, it was the best soup I've ever had. Omg. So good decision.
I was kinda restrictive this day, though, cuz I didn't allow myself to have any snacks, and I also only had half of my Powerbar after finishing my run. Kelly *nutritionist* really wants me to eat one after every workout, no matter what.
Anyway, I went out with the girls for pasta Friday night & I ate it all! It was really good, and it came with a breadstick that I also enjoyed.

Random sidenote: It was really funny because one of my teammates actually ordered the Chicken Alfredo with Broccoli, and when she got her food there was only sauce, chicken, and broccoli. No pasta!! haha, who does that? They returned later with a new dish, but I thought it was funny that they forgot the main ingredient we were going for. Kinda grossed me out, actually, because they put so much sauce that they didn't even notice the pasta was missing. This is why eating out is scary for me sometimes :P

However, for some reason it's not hard for me to eat all of my food when I go out or when I make something. I guess because my dad always taught us to eat everything on our plates. In this way, I have always been one to order or prepare very light and healthy entrees so that I can feel like I'm eating a lot, but it's all very low cal. 
Are any of you that way? I've never gone a day without eating, and I don't plan on doing so. Even when I was eating 800 calories a day this past summer, I still ate 3 meals. That was part of my reasoning for denying an eating disorder. Anorexics don't eat. I always did. Sometimes my meals would just consist of a salad, some carrots, and an apple. *not enough, I know :P

Ok, so Friday night after pasta, we return to the hotel. Around 10 PM I'm starting to get hungry again, which is annoying, but I decide to eat the rest of my Powerbar. Then I was craving the Hazelnut Vanilla & Chocolate Banana spreads I bought at the World Market next to Jason's Deli that day when we had extra time to blow after lunch. I had wanted to try these earlier, but shocker, I had not allowed myself that opportunity.
So what happens when I do try them? Of course I binge. I eat all of the pretzels I had packed in a ziplock with the spreads and then I even start gorging on the honey twists that I had been so precise about measuring out the day before. 8 of these is a serving size, and on the way to Texas on Thursday I had only allowed myself 4, and I ate them very slowly. The next night I find myself almost swallowing them whole. I'm standing over my duffle bag (Chloe, my hotel roommate, is off getting a massage), and I can't seem to stop. 
What is WRONG with me?!
I think because of all the pressure I had been putting on myself about the race and other things going on lately, I decided to punish myself while also 'letting go' of the controlling part of my personality by gorging on these fear foods.

Anyway, the next day I didn't race as well as I wanted to. To be fair, my stomach had been hurting and I put far too much pressure on myself the day of the race, thus depleting my energy before I even reached the starting line. Of course I blame this 'bad' race on the bingeing the night before.
I do a 45 minute cooldown. A little too much? Yes, but I needed to get away. Plus burning calories couldn't hurt, either.

I was upset with myself that night, but I ended up eating the pasta that I had previously ordered for the bus ride home.
Sunday night-binge. On? Pretzels, peanut butter, the 2 new spreads, 2 Valentine's cookies, a Macadamia nut cookie from Jason's deli that they had given us on the bus that I hadn't allowed myself to eat, and some icing from the fridge.
Then I write the two-liner post about how I hate my life. ha

I really need to start blogging more so that these posts aren't so epic..

Anyway, Monday was Valentine's day. I hated that. If only I hadn't been so fat leading up to this day I wouldn't mind celebrating..
Well Connor and I go out for Hibachi. We also ordered sushi. Yum. I kick ED's butt by not over-eating as well as by telling myself that it's a new day, and being restrictive today will only lead to bingeing and feeling like crap later.
Then we go back to my place and exchange presents. I have the best boyfriend ever who knows just how in love with sweet potatoes I am. He got me a tray of Sweet Potato Sweets from the Sweet Potato "capital of the world" here in Mississippi.
We tried a bite of everything on my tray, and I kinda felt the urge to binge, but I didn't. I read my book Made to Crave instead.
There was a sweet potato log roll, cookies, fudge, cocoons, tiny pies, bread, bonbons, and sausage balls.
Sausage grosses me out, so I spit that one out after trying it on accident, but everything else was delish!

So then Wednesday morning I had an appointment with Kelly. I did a shakeout run for 20 minutes before my workout that afternoon, and I took a shower. When I got out, I looked at myself in the mirror, and  I made a vow that no matter what my weight is or what Kelly says, I am not ok with gaining any more.

My weight was 114.6. A pound up from last week, and still a little under what Kelly considers to be a healthy weight. My BMI would be a healthy 18.5 only at 115 pounds. 

Why is this so scary? 
I've been above 115 before.. For some reason, though, my body image is so horrible this week. I see myself as bigger than ever before, and I just don't want to keep losing control with this bingeing. 
I had an appointment with Dr. Tatum (therapist) last night, and I was telling her that I guess I'd rather be restrictive and underweight than at a healthy weight where if I binge I'll gain all this weight. 

Anyway, I admitted that I didn't want to gain any more to Kelly, even after seeing that I'm not even at my goal weight yet, and the fact that it scares me that I'm thinking this way.. I've always agreed with her and tried to do everything I can to recover from ED. Am I going backwards now? I don't like it.
So I'm supposed to be at 2500ish calories this week. Earlier this week I hadn't been counting calories (the first time since May), but Kelly was kinda weary of this since now I need to gain weight, and she worries that I won't eat enough without writing it down. Obviously the only reason I had gained weight this week was due to bingeing, and when I don't do that then it looks like I'll lose. 
And I'm not going to do that. I used to keep my peanut butter in my closet; I took it downstairs Sunday night after my episode.
The main thing is, I know that I need to stop restricting in order to stop this vicious cycle.

It's just harder than it's been in a long time, these past couple weeks.
However, my mileage is increased. I'm running around 69 miles this week. That's more than ever before. I ran for an hour and fifty-one minutes (almost 16 miles) on Monday morning. I went fast, and I felt great. I don't want my running to be affected by this stupid disease. I don't want my life to be affected.

Final note: my friend that went inpatient for alcoholism/bulimia a couple weeks ago came back two nights ago, and surprised me at my house after practice. It was great to see her, but I still feel like she needs much more help than she can get here. She tried to re-enroll yesterday, but I don't think it worked out. We'll see what happens next with her. I'm praying that she remains sober and that her eating gets better.

Again, thank you all for the comments and words of encouragement. They keep me going.
One of my friends actually approached me the other day and mentioned that she reads my blog and also struggles with bingeing episodes. It took me by surprise more than anything, but I also felt comfort in that I'm not alone, and maybe by writing on here I provide a small amount of encouragement for others. I just wish I was in a better place at the moment so that I could be more of an inspiration than a pity party :P
I've been scared to eat these since Monday, but Dr. Tatum suggested freezing them.
That way I can always enjoy them later, and they won't just be lying around for me to binge on if the urge strikes (which hopefully it won't). :)
I hope everyone has a great weekend!
<3 Haley


  1. Good job recognizing the restriction parts of the week! Sometimes it's easier and feels better to focus on binges as the behaviors, but restriction is just as eating disordered, so good for you for fighting those urges :)

  2. I'm so sorry you've been struggling with bingeing. It's great that you're getting those feelings out there and trying to stop your restrictive habits. That's such an accomplishment!
    I totally understood the part when you said you never went a day without eating. I was exactly the same way, I would eat well below 1000 calories but I always ate even if it was really low cal. I always feel weird saying I was anorexic but never stopped eating. Over time, it just became healthier and less and less.
    Keep fighting, girlie :)

  3. I'm glad you're in a more positive place!

    And to answer your question, even when I was at my lowest weight, I never went a day without eating. I did the same exact thing as you and just restricted my calories. I even ate chocolate every night because it kept me 'sane', but I counted the calories in my overall intake.

  4. I'm sorry that you've had some rough times this week. The important thing is that you're keeping it in perspective and moving forward, which you are! You really are a huge inspiration to me Haley, I hope you know that!

    And yes, my restricting often takes the form of cutting down my meals to an apple or some carrots. I still struggle with this a lot. I might be eating three meals a day, but taking in way too few calories. It's all part of how we convince ourselves that we're okay.

    Keep fighting this. You are doing so well.

  5. I'm sorry that you've been struggling. It mast be very frustraing to be stuck in a restrictive and binging cycle. I can relate all too well. When I cut back on my calories all day it usually leads me to using behaviors later on. Its hard to realize that the only way to regain control is to make your ED relinquish the control it has.
    You have so much insight and it is truly inspiring. I know you are strong enough to get through this. You've been trying so hard and you have the perception to see past your ED distortions.
    Stay strong girl(: You're amazing and beautiful!

  6. I'm really sorry that your having a hard time, but I'm glad to see that you have a positive attitude about it. That's half the battle and with faith and determination you WILL get through this. I'm worried about you though - I know gaining weight is scary, but your body needs it to keep up with your wonderful running/training accomplishments. :)

    Ah yes, ED liked to trick me - I'm not anorexic, I eat 3 meals a day! I even eat dessert! But, those were all just typical ED lies.

    I hope you have a good week, my dear!

  7. Haley Haley Haley

    So glad to find you posting again! I was so excited to see your post that I dropped everything and cozied up in bed just to read it! What a trying week you've had.. but it's over and the sun is shining. I'm so glad to see that you've survived this last week with a positive outlook and have learned so much. Ironically enough I have had some MAJOR bingeing issues this week as well but your post helped me realize that the root of my problem is restricting. Thank you for that, I'd never really mapped it out that way in my brain. I have a school dance this Saturday and it was very triggering for me. I'll probably blog about it soon. Those Sweet Potatoes looked delicious by the way! What a great gift for a great girl from a great guy. :D Keep troopin! Love, Hay.