Thursday, February 3, 2011

Increase, increase

So yesterday I had one of the hardest workouts ever..
It was freezing outside, especially with the wind, and I did not want to run, a feeling most unusual for me.
The workout was 1x1600, 4x800's, 4x400's with 1/4 jogging rest of what you just ran.
My times were kinda slow.. 5:46, 2:53, 2:53, 2:50, 2:52, 79, 87, 81, 85, 81, 85, 80, 81. 
From the 400 meter times you can tell that the wind was at our backs on the first, third, fifth, and seventh ones, and against us every other one.
Anyway, though, it was a great workout. Although I didn't hit the times I wanted, the way the team pushed through those conditions together was just awesome. I gave everyone the biggest hug after our last rep, and I just kept repeating, "I love my team!" haha. I get really emotional after some intense running. Just ask Connor, I always end up crying on his shoulder after races (don't worry, they're usually happy tears. :P).
I was proud of myself for not being upset with myself, if that makes any sense.
Usually I'm so hard on myself that if I don't do as well as I had hoped, I consider the whole workout a failure. This isn't healthy. It's also how ED comes into play. I have to have self-confidence and realize that I tried my hardest, and that's all that I can possibly do.
I am good enough.
The 2011 Track & Field poster and schedule was just released today! It's such an honor to be on here!
So then I was exhausted after that workout. We didn't start until 4 P.M. because one of my teammates had a late class, and we finished a little after 6. Then I had to go ice and stem my achilles and my other calf that has been bothering me, and I didn't leave the training room until almost 7 o'clock last night. 
I had dinner, and did some homework. Conrad then came over, (way too late, might I add) at 10:00, and he took me out for frozen yogurt. I wasn't particularly hungry, but I knew that I needed it cuz I hadn't had too much to eat after my workout other than a Luna Bar and my low-cal dinner (not on purpose, that's just the way it ended up). 

Yumm.. Can I just say how much I love frozen yogurt?! It's my life. I got peanut butter, caramel, a twist of the two, and a twist of dreamy chocolate and french vanilla flavors. 
We took it back to my apartment and enjoyed it with some free pretzels. Ha, meaning we didn't have to pay for the extra weight of them at the froyo place!

So last night before Connor came over I called my coach and left him a voicemail asking if I could increase my mileage to what it was over Christmas. Ever since my achilles has been bothering me, it has been drastically reduced. *Don't worry. This urge to exercise more is not ED driven. I just feel like I race better off of high mileage.* Anyway, he texted me back saying that it would be fine if I wanted to add a light run in this morning. 
So I woke up and had a wonderful twenty minute 'shake-out' run. My legs weren't as tired after the workout as I thought they'd be once I started moving.
Then I had class.. class.. boring.

Ok, so onto interesting stuff, I saw my nutritionist today. 
So far this semester I've been seeing Kelly before lunch, but last semester I was able to see her in the morning after my light runs and before I had my full breakfast. I'd eat a bar maybe and then go in to get weighed. Afterwards I'd eat my oatmeal, English muffin, apple, yogurt, whatever, & drink my water in her office while we talked. I liked that. I don't really like this afternoon thing. It makes it harder to define my weight since it's more likely to fluctuate based on my diet and water intake for that day. So luckily I am able to see Kelly Wednesdays at 8 A.M. before my 9 o'clock class now. 

My weight is down. :(
And it's frustrating. But like Kelly said, I've lowered my 'baseline' to the point at which it's gotten harder to get up to the amount of calories that I need. She's right. At one point or another I convinced myself that 2000 calories was okay, because I was just needing to maintain weight, after all. But then 2000 turns to 1900, 1800, 1700.. That is not okay when I am running as much as I am. I don't need to lose anything. 
I had some good days, mind you, but my overall caloric intake has probably average 1900 this past week. Like I said, not good. 
I feel so much stronger than ever before when it comes to talking back to ED, but that's when I recognize it. Sometimes it just creeps up on me, and I don't realize that I am having disordered thoughts. Does that make any sense? I don't even know.. It's weird.

The scale is scary. And my relationship with it is very complex and dangerous. I love and hate what I see.
Another thing I am going to work on is not including my snacks as part of my meals. What I mean by this is that I keep a food log, and I write down everything I eat and guesstimate as to the calories I'm getting. I do this so that I don't go way under for the day, which is likely to happen sometimes when I don't realize that my food for the day has all been very healthy/low-cal.

Anyway, this morning I had my oatmeal on the way to school (7:45 A.M.). Then I had a bagel thin with peanut butter and greek yogurt on it between classes (the 8:00 was cancelled, so I really had this right around 8:30). I didn't eat again until after I finished my 11:00 A.M. class in which we had a test. So I ate the yogurt at 11:50 before I went to see Kelly. On my food log I tally it all, and it's around 540 calories. Which is good if that was only breakfast. But Kelly wants me to have a snack in there, too, after breakfast. And then a 600+ calorie lunch. And then another snack. And then practice. And then a Cliff bar. Big dinner. Another snack. 

AKA-I'm always eating.
And I kinda cheat by putting my snacking with my meals because then it makes my meals seem adequate.
So I've gotta stop that. I didn't really recognize that I was "cheating" until my appointment today when I was actually the one who pointed it out.

Now I have to gain at least a pound :/ Ughh, I'm so tired of this. I liked the 'maintaining' stage.
My coach pulled me over today and asked how my appt. went this morning. I told him that Kelly wants me to gain weight and I need to be eating at least 2500 cals a day, if not more. She'd prefer for me to be closer to 3000, I think. This is especially because I want to increase my mileage. Both of them don't want to do that if I am underweight. I understand completely.
So I've just gotta push through this. As long as I can make it through breakfast without being restrictive, I can make it through the rest of the day. The morning is the hardest.. :/

One of my teammates told me yesterday after the workout that I am looking so healthy. 
We ran in sports bras on Tuesday, (the weather here is crazy!!) and she said that for the first time this year she wasn't grossed out when I took off my shirt.
This may seem like a harsh comment, but I knew what she meant, and I didn't take it the wrong way. She said that before she could see my rib cage, and I just looked unhealthy. She likes seeing the progress I'm making both physically and emotionally. 
I LOVE these comments. I need to remember that I am so worth fighting for. 

Btw, my boyfriend did awesome in that workout yesterday. He runs on the track team here at State, too. I'm so proud of him. :) He was injured over Christmas break, but he's coming back strong. He's a really hard worker, a great guy, and the best boyfriend. He supports me no matter what. Random, but I felt like mentioning how blessed I am to have him. <3 

Anyway, I guess that's all I've got. I hope all of you are having a fabulous week! It's almost Friday, Yippie!
Once again, the birthday comments were especially appreciated. :) And it's great to know that you guys realize how hard it was to have that cupcake. So glad I enjoyed that! Yay for kicking ED butt.
Hopefully tomorrow I'll start off the weight-gaining week the right way!
<3 Haley


  1. i always read but never find the right words to comment. but this time i just wanted to tell you that you really are amazing! and so mature for someone your age.
    i love reading your posts.
    you're right,you're SO worth fighting for!
    keep going :)


  2. Haley, I love reading about your running. I used to think that I was passionate about running but I know now that it was only ED-induced passion. When I read about the running that you do, I really get the sense that it's a real passion and the eating disorder just gets in the way of that.

    It is really important to keep your energy levels up when you are running as much as you are. Especially because when you lose weight, you are most likely losing muscle and not fat. You need all the muscle that you can get in your sport! You can do this haley, I'm totally rooting for you :)

    You and connor are so cute!


  3. scales are fucking evil and also so hard to stay away from. Scales are like that bad first boyfriend that you can't leave.

    You can do this-you're in the right mindset to recover!


  4. Doesn't 2500, or even 3000 seem like such a HUGE amount of food? I remember, I used to be at 1900 and freak out at the thought of eating more. Now, I eat consistantly at 2600, and it doesn't really feel like a lot of food. That amount made me gain fast at first, but now it's slowed down so I'm practically just maintaining. I really have to increase again - which I'm kind of nervous about. I do think it's important that you eat the 2500, at the very least. You need the food to 1. fuel the running, 2. fuel all the calories you burn to get through your day doing everything else, and 3. make you gain weight.

    I know it's hard. I almost had an emotional breakdown the first day I was told I had to eat that much. But it's possible. The first day is the hardest, but after that, your mind gets used to it, and your body will surpise you by how well it handles that amount of food.

    I totally agree with you, I adore the comments I've been getting lately about how I look better. Keep up with your positive attitude. You are right: you are worth fighting for!

  5. You can do this Haley! Recovery is SO worth fighting for.

    You and your boyfriend look ADORABLE together btw.

  6. It sounds like you're staying postitive and doing well. I know what it's like to have to eat ALOT to maintain when you're that active. But, it's so worth it to be able to do what you love! :)
    Keep smiling your doing amazing!

  7. Your posts always make me smile so much! =) I have to agree with everyone and say that I love reading about your running! I'm not healthy enough to run now between my heart and the knee, but I hope that one day I can do an occasional early morning run if I'm healthy enough. What's important is that you're doing it for the right reasons, though. It seems like you are.

    This froyo place sounds really cool...I have to find something similar out here!

    It's surprising how many calories it takes to maintain, let alone gain weight. I was so afraid at first, but now I realize that the calories I take in aren't being stored as fat on my body - my body is using them to keep me focused and give me energy to get through the day. It helps me to think of the food as fuel for my body.

    Thank you so much for your comment. It means a lot to have your support.

    Keep fighting!

  8. Everything has been said all ready! So stay healthy and know your in my prayers!!

    Keep pushing to health!