Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Apologize for ED?

I just received a pretty passive aggressive letter from my ex's mother who described me as "3 people".

(Direct quote:)
1) The happy, fun loving, free spirited Haley
2) ED Haley with all the baggage that attaches to it
3) THIS struggling Haley not knowing which direction she's going

I was discussing this with Mollie, and I began to say, "Listen, I'm sorry that I got anorexia," because that was the part in the letter when ex's mom began to explain that I changed and my relationship with her changed..

Mollie brought up a good point. There is no apologizing for developing ED. I'm pretty sure no one WANTS to develop an eating disorder, at least no one that I know wished for that. 
But did it change me? Yes.. It did.
I've changed.. I've gotten more serious in certain ways. I've learned weaknesses and strengths in myself, and I have learned to love myself even when it was the hardest thing in the world to do so.

I don't agree with her. I might be struggling, and I may not know EXACTLY where I am headed in life.. but I feel like I have a good idea.. 
And I know that I can accomplish whatever it is I put my heart, soul, mind, and body into.

I may not be in a relationship right now, and I may not be on top of my game in running. And maybe to others that makes me seem lost.
But I'm not.

I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, and I'm going to show everyone what I am made of.

I'm not the struggling Haley that has no direction. I'm still happy, goofy, loving Haley, the one who beat and is still beating ED, and the one who knows what it's like to win after coming from behind, cuz that's what I've done before and it is what I am about to do.

<3 Haley

P.S. First track workout today in FOREVER. Well, really, I had one in January. But then I got hurt again. And this was my first workout since October, discounting the one. It was hard, and my times were by no means fast. But I worked hard, and I am excited about the progress I am making. I'll get there. :)


  1. Haley,

    GREAT job in the workout today! i am so proud of you. you know what it takes, and you are getting there. i am so happy for you that you are still able to run. you know what it takes, you just have to ask yourself whether you want it or not! you are doing FANTASTIC! :) GO GIRL GO!

    also, i can definitely tell you that ms. terri only wants the absolute best for you, as does EVERYONE else. you have to look at how much she has done for you over the past few years and how she essentially became a mother to you. don't forget that. as all relationship break-ups are difficult, the relationship with the mother can be harder. i know that from first hand experience, you are breaking up with the family---a group of people who earnestly care for you and you them. its tough, but its life, and we learn and grow.

    seeing you for the past 3 years, i do agree with her. there are a few different personalities floating around for you butttttt who doesn't have a few personalities and attitudes at any given time? i know i CERTAINLY do! haha. but in saying that, i love you. i love you so much. i love the fun bubbly haley that i saw reappear this summer after a long and tiresome battle with the stubborn, hurtful haley (who i still loved even at the hardest of times). i, as well as everyone, love haley, regardless of which one she is. maybe you have things figured out or a general idea, but maybe you don't, that doesn't really matter as long as you are looking for ways to improve yourself as a whole. my mom tells me she still doesn't have things figured out, so i think the minute we stop trying to figure everything out and just let it be, we start doing things we never thought we could. we start growing in areas of our lives we never thought we had.

    and hay, don't be sorry for anorexia, be sorry that that time wasn't spent on something more fulfilling. i know you are an adventurous person and could have used that time you worried about your weight in other ways. it breaks my heart to think about it :/ however, i'm SO happy that you are on a positive road (as i can see).

    don't forget to love yourself, it allows you to truly love other people. :))

    i love haley, you, you and all your quirks.


  2. Everyone has multiple personalities; that's what makes us interesting. Don't apologize for it. People change, too. Don't apologize for that, either. Be your fabulous, amazing self and those who don't like it can move on. :)

  3. You have been through a really tough obstacle in your life... you had to put your head down and do your best to plow up a mountain. It wasn't easy... and still I'm sure many times it isn't easy. But you never give up and don't plan on giving up anytime soon. Struggles should not put a negative light on you... your will to fight through the darkest of days should only be respected. Don't ever apologize for anything you have gone through in your life! I am glad you were able to realize that. And like others have said, we ALL act differently at different parts of our life... HELLO, that is human! It is not fair at all to make someone feel guilty for the trials in their life... or for being unsure of what direction they want their life to take them (that is a natural, confusing feeling). But I agree with you... you have a great sense of the direction you want your life to go... towards happiness and strength and freedom. And you are an inspiration to many regarding a fight towards all those things!... Keep loving yourself and being patient with yourself. <3

  4. I agree with all of the comments above. Keep writing and opening your heart it really helps with the healing process. xoxo

  5. I'm really happy that you have such a positive out look, Haley! You truly deserve it! Don't let others hold you back in any way! After reading some of your other posts, I realize how much you loved your ex and must have been close with him and his family. I'm sure this is rough on you, but like Renee said, I'm sure the break up was hard for you and his mom too. I've also been through that before. I'm sure that after being in your life for close to 2 years or whatever she must really care for you. Maybe the letter wasn't as passive aggressive as you thought? Just a thought. Anyways, I'm so glad you're not ashamed of who you are and the person you're becoming. Keep fighting the ED. I love reading your posts!

  6. Everyone changes through life regardless of whether they have an ED or not. Everything that happens in life changes you! So you definitely should not have to apologise for anything. Keep fighting :D

  7. You're awesome :) I'm rooting for you :) :)

  8. People either help you in life, or they try to bring you down. You don't need the later and you will know who the former always are!

    Having an eating disorder, or any chronic health issue, is not fun and it's those people who don't believe how hard it is to come back that are toxic and need to be dropped like last week's running socks. They stink up your life.

    I have colitis. When I was first ill, I dropped 30# in about 5 weeks. I had people coming up to me wondering about the "magic drug" to "look like that". They refused to believe I was chronically ill. I grew up pretty quickly in college because of my illness and never seemed to be able to regain that carefree attitude.

    Take care of YOU and know that YOU have your best interests at heart. Things get better, it sometimes takes a while.

    PS, Passive Aggressive people tick me off!

  9. Impressive ability to stay strong as who you currently are while being confronted by who you once where. Bravo!

  10. I find it bizarre that your ex's mother would write you a letter at all--let alone one that is clearly passive-aggressive (at least the piece you included). I feel like--if she considers herself your friend--then she should leave it at something like 'let me know if you need me during this rough time.' It's not about her. Doesn't she remember early adulthood?